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Original poster

Newly dumped boyfriend playing the victim

53 replies

toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 09:13

I have another thread on AIBU as I found out that my bf ( late40's) had been keeping ex dates and random women on line and interacting with them by liking posts etc, Knowing full well that I despised it, have been badly hurt before by exh affair. I told him at the beginnng of our relationship after seeing him comment on some random woman's profile( beautiful/ stunning type comment) that it was a dealbreaker for me.Funnily enough , he never called me beautiful or stunningConfused
So I found from my gut screeching at me, that he adds and accepts adds from
Various women around the world, his status is set at 'single', he likes every photo of women he met on line and had a date with ( I can't understand why they're even friends after meeting once or twice)
I finished with him on Friday and got great insight and advice over on AIBU.
My issue now is that he is playing the victim. Poor me and pitying himself .
Said his profile has always been on single and he's not chatting to anyone on line. That's it. That's the reaction .
I had to communicate through writing as he is too 'devastated' and needs time before he feels able to talk.
What is going on here ???? Am I missing something ?
Ps ... still has those ex dates/ random women as friends on sm and status set as single

OP posts:
MizzFizz · 23/01/2022 09:16

He's messing with you because he's a selfish liar? Don't pay him any further attention. Block. You broke up.

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 09:18

Youv dodged a bullet here op. Block him immediately. Hes a victim playing manipulative creep. Have some self respect, move on and raise the bar.

SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 09:18

Your gut is telling you the truth. He is so devastated to be found out! Trust your instincts, he shouldn’t even be looking and liking if he’s all loved up and in a committed relationship

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2022 09:20

Oh my heart bleeds for him

Seriously he is just trying to reel you back in so he can be the dumper instead of the dumpee then his ego will be soothed

Palavah · 23/01/2022 09:20

This is not your problem, it's his.

Just block and move on.

dopple · 23/01/2022 09:22

You did the right thing, who wants to be with someone that's constantly looking and liking others, it's an awful feeling isn't it. You know the looking is bad enough, you can't really trust them when they do that.
You dented his ego, don't feel sorry for him.

ElectraBlue · 23/01/2022 09:27

He is a liar and trying to blame you for his actions. You dodged a bullet.

You dumped him, so now you should have no further need to communicate with him. Block him everywhere and move on.

He is not 'devastated', he is annoyed he got caught and his ego has taken a hit because you dumped him. There is no genuine hurt.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 09:31

So it's an ego thing? I have blocked him now on every platform and even though I'm really sad as we had a super relationship , or so I thought , I am beginning to think there's something amiss with him ?
Would it not be a normal reaction to try to do everything to save or fight for your relationship?
Instead of wallowing and staying in bed for twenty four hours and telling people that he needs to be alone and can't talk because he is so devastated ??? That's nuts !
And still ... no changed behaviour for someone so gutted .
I don't get it .

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 09:32

But why is there no genuine hurt?
We had what I thought was a fantastic relationship. Was that all a lie too?
Nearly one and a half years together.

OP posts:
nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 09:54

Its a personality thing. Hes one of lifes ultimate victims.
Read Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that' to get a better understanding of abusive mens different personality types and how to better spot the signs and (hopefully) avoid them in future.

layladomino · 23/01/2022 09:56

I mean this kindly - you're spending too much time worrying about why he's acting as he is. It doesn't matter. I know it hurts.

You've seen him for what he is. You no longer have to be in touch him. He's an ex. Keep him blocked.

As for why - maybe he's trying to reel you back in. Maybe his ego can't deal with being dumped, and he has to rewrite history so you're in the wrong to have dumped him. Maybe he just enjoys messing with you head. Maybe he loves the attention. Maybe he is just one of life's victims and he enjoys that status.

You told him one of your (very reasonable) boundaries early on. He ignored it. He continued to ignore it. And whether or not you'd stated it as a boundary, regular interacting with other women, in a flirty way = wrong when you're in a relationship. He didn't respect you enough to stop doing it. He didn't respect you enough to think you might dump him. He thought he could get away with doing what he wanted, despite your express concerns, and that you'd put up with it forever. Or that HE would be the one to do the dumping when one of those women responded favourably one day.

You've damaged his poor ego. He wants you to change your mind or at least admit you were wrong. That doesn't mean you'd go back to being happy by the way. He would still be the same person, but with the added satisfaction that he CAN treat you badly and you'll keep coming back to him.

You deserve better. You've done the right thing. He's now just proving it.

Gilda152 · 23/01/2022 10:02

OP, it wasn't a fantastic relationship. It wasn't even a relationship if one of you was trying to appear single to others. You've been had and youve ended it. Correct decision. Why are you now trying to contact him? Regardless of any thing he might say, his 'devastation' is not because he loves you. His actions prove he did not. You're thinking about this much more than him, I'm sure.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:04

I feel like an absolute fool that I didn't see through him.
Isn't it incredible that even when you tell them what broke you, that he could do the same thing to me again.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2022 10:05

Urgh.
Cry me a river.

Block him and forget about him. He isn't a victim of anything and don't let him convince you otherwise.

Gilda152 · 23/01/2022 10:06

What broke you isn't his responsibility though is it? Maybe he's a serial breaker? That's what happens when you place your emotional well-being and the responsibility to resolve all ills from previous partners on the shoulders of a new person. That's a lesson we all have to learn I think?

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 10:08

Let him feel sorry for himself, but you don't have to.

You get turned off. Eurgh.

Nothing turns me off like ''poor me i am the real victim of what I did to you'' syndrome.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:09

I didn't place any responsibility on his shoulder@Gilda152 .
I told him what had happened to end my marriage ... he was first boyfriend after that ... and he did similar. It was cruel.
I feel like an idiot not to have seen through him.

OP posts:
nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 10:10

Ah. You seem to be going in to victim mode yourself now. Like attracts like n all that.
Block, delete n move on. All this wallowing is no good, you need to see that him showing you who he is is a good thing not a bad thing. Hes not worth this level of psychoanalysing op.

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 10:13

I think it's really tough accepting that when somebody mistreats you the only power you have is to walk away. I used to fall in to the trap of thinking that there was some behaviour I could implement that would control his behaviour (nobody in particular when I say ''his'' but it was a mindset I foolishly held for a long time)

Eventually you realise that there's nothing you can do to make anybody else be a better version of themself, all you can do is be strong enough to just walk away.

It hurts at first but then, wait! it reinforces your value! to you, it sends the message to 'core' that you have value.

Trust in that process. Get turned off by this.

Do not even waste your time agonising over what you could say to him to get him to ''see''.

You don't need him to see.

You just need to value yourself enough to give up on him.

Let him have his distorted views and his pity party. Let him have that.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:15

Really not going down the road of being a victim. That's the opposite of who I am. I just thought it was a shitty twist of fate.
I am sad and hurt though. I am beginning to wonder was it all a lie on his part.
I still need to make sense of it for me to move on and lack the objectivity atm.
I actually feel stupid and embarrassed.

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 23/01/2022 10:19

It’s natural to feel confusion when you’ve encountered a liar OP. I did with my ex, they are so very good at existing in the shadows perhaps they believe even their own lies. I would recommend reading Lundy Bancroft too - I did to try any work out my ex’s behaviour and it really sorted it all out in my mind.

At some point I had to stop trying to analyse however - at the end of the day my ex was a wrong un and it was as simple as that.

Don’t let him reel you back in, I did twice and it never got better. His nice guy is a facade - he’s now shown you who he is. Believe him.

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 10:20

Why have you not blocked him?

I do understand how difficult a break up after a marriage is, its like a double whammy of hurt. You probably havent healed enough from that experience tbh. Have you had any counselling? It would be a good idea for you to explore this and talk about your past to a professional before entering another relationship. Imo you need better boundaries and self worth going forward in the future.

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 10:21

@toomanypuns

So it's an ego thing? I have blocked him now on every platform and even though I'm really sad as we had a super relationship , or so I thought , I am beginning to think there's something amiss with him ? Would it not be a normal reaction to try to do everything to save or fight for your relationship? Instead of wallowing and staying in bed for twenty four hours and telling people that he needs to be alone and can't talk because he is so devastated ??? That's nuts ! And still ... no changed behaviour for someone so gutted . I don't get it .
You probably did have a good relationship and he enjoyed it in the context he placed it in. For Now. Good Enough.

But the fact is he was drooling over other women. You told him your boundary and he ignored it. So he's not so scared of losing you that he will CHANGE no. He will try and gaslight you with a pity party though.

If he wanted you back on your terms he would acknowledge this. But he wants you back on his terms. Be clear about that. xx He wants you back for the handy good enough for now relationship while he still keeps one eye out elsewhere.

There's no point discussing this with him and there's no point hoping he'll see the light. It suited him even though it hurt you.

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed though. I feel like people owe it to be to be a decent human being too. I don't think that that's naive.

But the thing to do when you're presented with evidence that they cannot meet this minimum bar is to walk away quickly and give up on them.

Don't make the mistakes I used to make, hover around hoping they finally understand. They have their own agenda! This guys agenda is to enjoy the benefits of a relationship while still being free to 'like' and comment on other women's photos. You don't want that so just walk away from his agenda and honour your own.

Wine Flowers
ravenmum · 23/01/2022 10:21

What's going on? Well, he can hardly say "Yes, it's true, I deserve to be dumped as I am an untrustworthy flirt", can he? Of course he has to claim that it's all in your head and he's really a good guy. If he's not already telling this sob story to the next woman on his list as a means of drawing her in, he'll certainly be able to use it with the next woman he dates as a means of putting her off of complaining about his flirty behaviour, as she doesn't want to "jump to the wrong conclusion" like you supposedly did.
You're out of the games, don't let him draw you in any more.

Zilla1 · 23/01/2022 10:34

To offer a different perspective, OP, you decided to end the relationship and you've blocked him. You might be better focusing on your future rather than then determining how he should react and deciding he should have fought for the relationship and then being disappointed when he didn't feel able to, by blocking him but then deciding he should talk to you when he doesn't feel like it. You feel embarrassed and stupid though you made the decision to end it and stood by that.

Good luck.

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