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Original poster

Newly dumped boyfriend playing the victim

53 replies

toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 09:13

I have another thread on AIBU as I found out that my bf ( late40's) had been keeping ex dates and random women on line and interacting with them by liking posts etc, Knowing full well that I despised it, have been badly hurt before by exh affair. I told him at the beginnng of our relationship after seeing him comment on some random woman's profile( beautiful/ stunning type comment) that it was a dealbreaker for me.Funnily enough , he never called me beautiful or stunningConfused
So I found from my gut screeching at me, that he adds and accepts adds from
Various women around the world, his status is set at 'single', he likes every photo of women he met on line and had a date with ( I can't understand why they're even friends after meeting once or twice)
I finished with him on Friday and got great insight and advice over on AIBU.
My issue now is that he is playing the victim. Poor me and pitying himself .
Said his profile has always been on single and he's not chatting to anyone on line. That's it. That's the reaction .
I had to communicate through writing as he is too 'devastated' and needs time before he feels able to talk.
What is going on here ???? Am I missing something ?
Ps ... still has those ex dates/ random women as friends on sm and status set as single

OP posts:
UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 10:35

So true. he sounds like a gaslighting fucker and will be on dates soon telling women he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was jealous. Then if the woman is insecure she'll have been trained in advance to keep quiet when jealousy is the logical reaction to seeing him write ''stunning'' under another woman's photo. Well, to me the logical reaction would be to get turned off, but ... I didn't get to this place over night.

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 10:36

@Zilla1

To offer a different perspective, OP, you decided to end the relationship and you've blocked him. You might be better focusing on your future rather than then determining how he should react and deciding he should have fought for the relationship and then being disappointed when he didn't feel able to, by blocking him but then deciding he should talk to you when he doesn't feel like it. You feel embarrassed and stupid though you made the decision to end it and stood by that.

Good luck.

We;re all saying that Zilla
nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 10:37

Oh sorry i missed the bit where you said you'd blocked him op.
Well done.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:39

@nopenottodaysatan I have blocked him everywhere.
I've had counselling after my ex had an affair. For now though I'm going to concentrate on me and just breathe. It's been so busy so to slow down and start looking after myself is the aim.
I now see that he is a creep and a sleaze. For me, it is such a shock. I never saw anything dodgy. Was I blind because he was hiding in plain sight ?
He was always open with his phone, left around, I used it when I needed to.
My spidey senses have been tickled lately though and my friend has said I seemed insecure and untrusting of him due to my own issues. His phone was pinging more .
Feel like I'm going mad trying to make sense of it all! Your responses are really helping me through this so thanks for the effort and time

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 23/01/2022 10:40

He's your ex. Why do you care how he behaves? He's an ex because he's not what you want. That's all that matters.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/01/2022 10:42

@toomanypuns

I feel like an absolute fool that I didn't see through him. Isn't it incredible that even when you tell them what broke you, that he could do the same thing to me again.
But you did see through him. And you dumped him.

All you have to do know is see that his current actions are part of the same behaviour.

ravenmum · 23/01/2022 10:43

You didn't see it at first because a) he was hiding it and b) despite your ex, you still have trust in other people, which is great. But while being prepare for a trusting relationship, you kept your eyes open and read the signs. Sounds like a good balance to me.

cherrypie66 · 23/01/2022 10:45

What a pathetic sad looser
Block and delete
Go enjoy your life

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:46

I'm not sure I understand @Zilla1 . He had plenty of opportunities before I blocked him everywhere to speak to me or address the issues I had. He didn't. He apparently' is just too sad and needs time' as in days so I said no to that.
I feel stupid and embarrassed at what was right in front of me for so long and I feel like I was taken for a mug.

OP posts:
nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 10:52

How long was you with him op?

Of course your going to feel hurt, your only human after all. Men like him are good at wearing a mask, they hide who they really are, its how they get women to fall for em! Instead of feeling embarrassed feel proud, you listened to your instincts, dumped him and blocked him, thats a great achievement!
I agree now you should take time out for yourself, heal, read up on this stuff (again, i recommend lundy bancroft) and move on.

ravenmum · 23/01/2022 10:55

It's easy to feel like that OP, but the men who act like this are the ones with the problem. So desperate to get ego strokes they can't stay in a relationship without being dishonest? Not exactly impressive.
Too sad and needing time for what? To come up with a better story?
He wants you to be sitting there thinking about him. Don't go along with it.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 10:57

We were together for 18 months and not once did I ever get a feeling from him that he was a creep. Not once and I was hyper vigilant. More fool me but yes I'm glad I've dumped and blocked him. I'm quite angry now thiugh that he duped me.
I do feel proud and will be ok but what a fucker.
Mumsnet has been a lifeline for me this weekend and I appreciate all your responses and thoughts and that they are overwhelmingly telling me the same thing is enough for me

OP posts:
UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 10:58

You had a line and you stuck to it.

Don't feel a fool.

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 11:07

Anger is good, you should be angry, 18 months is a longtime to wear a mask but i think thats around average when it starts to slip. You knew something was wrong, so on some level you knew the signs, not everyone acts on them so well done you.

Tbh, this is what puts me off dating, its incredibly difficult and the level of vigilance and mistrust you have to have is just ridiculous. The amount of men out there like this is mind blowing so dont beat yourself up too much op. Live, learn, grow Thanks

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 11:17

I won't be dating for a very very long time after this 😂

OP posts:
VioletOcean · 23/01/2022 11:31

You can’t control other people, he sounds like he was liking other womens posts to wind you up but he’s not a child he can like whatever he wants. As the things he did got to you, you’re better of out of the relationship. Ignore his wounded cries of poor me and delete and block him from your life

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 12:36

He was always at great pains to say that men were visual and regularly commented on women's appearances on tv or films eg I'm not sure if she is attractive or I think She is beautiful.
Never once did he call me beautiful or anything vaguely complimentary about my looks but plenty about my personality.
I think I was a stand in or maybe a front , in that he wanted to be in a relationship, lives the company and lifestyle and the sex of course but physically I probably didn't do it for him as much as I thought I did.
And yet he is feeling sorry for himself having been dumped!
Sorryfor or rambling. I feel terribly
Low this afternoon and I've got great comfort from mumsnet.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 12:40

Please be smart enough to never, ever communicate with this man again. Keep him completely blocked.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 13:02

Do you say that@Aquamarine1029 generally or is because of the update on my post below ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 13:07

@toomanypuns

Do you say that@Aquamarine1029 generally or is because of the update on my post below ?
Generally. Never communicate with him again. Move on.
altmember · 23/01/2022 13:33

People use social media differently to one another. For some, they're obsessed with the dopamine hit of getting a like, so they also give loads out themselves. They're the sort that'll accept every friend request (even from people they don't know), follow fake celebs etc. They're basically treating social media as a whole other life, like an escape from their own real (boring by comparison) life. Other people use social media as a tool to keep in touch with their real life friends - keeping their privacy settings high and their profiles locked down.

If you don't like the way your ex used sm, then you're not compatible and it's a perfectly fair reason to end the relationship.

ravenmum · 23/01/2022 13:35

He sounds like a dick to be honest, rating the beauty of women who wouldn't have given him the time of day as if women can only consider themselves attractive if some man says they are.
He sounds like he spends so much time ogling photoshopped pictures of models/porn stars that he's unable to appreciate a real live, normal-looking woman. And he is either so stupid that he didn't realise how rude it was to ogle women in front of you, or he was doing it deliberately to manipulate you.
A compliment from someone like that would be worth nothing anyway.

Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 13:37

@altmember you described him formerly, to a tee.
However I still think to interact with random women.. all of the same age, all v attractive and to keep his ex bumble dates on as friends, considering her met them twice or three times and then to be liking their photos/ selfies is disrespectful to me .
As a pp stated and I think it was @billy66. , every time he hit the like button was a disrespect to me .
I would have thought that belief would be the norm. I use sm to keep relationships with friends and family. So yes we use it for different reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypuns · 23/01/2022 13:38

Good point@ravenmum

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/01/2022 13:50

I wouldnt overthink it. You dumped him with decent reasons. Hes sad about it, thats his problem, not yours. Maybe he should reflect a bit, but its normal for him to feel sad after being dumped, surely? How is that anything for you to worry about?

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