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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic and controlling husband, I gotta go huh?

41 replies

FluffyLamkins · 23/01/2022 01:40

I think I do. Today I realised my younger DD had been invited to a birthday party as had forgotten about it. I hesitated about telling H because he usually makes a fuss or is difficult, either to do with covid or something else when the kids are asked to others houses. However realised it would be worse if I didn’t mention it so I did. And surprisingly he was ok today. Wow.

Another mum I know from the school gates, not really well but have chatted to her and know where she lives, her child and she’s a nurse which I thought was a positive - offered to take DD in her car to the party. I checked she had a car seat. Plus she was taking another close friends child too.

H was not happy. He left the house not saying anything but then called me to say he wasn’t happy about the other child’s mum driving our DD and I should take her. In the past I probably would have just done it. I’ve had to decline invites and change plans because of him in the past. He’s terribly over protective and anxious about the girls and doesn’t trust or like most other people. I debated whether just to take her myself. Because I knew they’d be a fallout or fuss if I didn’t. But I’m sick of being disempowered and unable to make decisions so I stuck with it, checked DD was fine with it and off she went. The mum texted me to say they’d been dropped off fine. All was well.

Predictably H was “upset” later when he got home. He largely was ignoring me although cheery enough to the kids. The old walking on eggshells atmosphere. At night started up about how I “disrespected” him when all he wants is the best care for the girls and to be respected ie do as he wants it seems. Says the party goer came to reassure him too that she’d be fine before he left which I didn’t know about. But that was “my fault” for saying that he’s worried - but I had said nothing. Very sad the children know he flies off the handle I think.

We’ve had it already with the girls walking the dog, visiting across the road and riding a horse. Always told by H to be extra cautious and never let them out my sight. Overly more than I’d do because they are responsible and I give them a bit of freedom.

I can’t live like this. I’m sure he is anxious but there’s no autonomy for me to make decisions and if I don’t do as he says - or “give him some respect” as he’d frame it - then I am punished by huffy or silent treatment behaviour and a talking to.

A lot of the time he is ok but I realised recently that my decisions quite often circle around him and keeping the peace. And he always points out how unhappy I am with my life - which is not true, except it possibly is when he is around. I’m sure he’s got some narcissistic tendencies and definitely toxic controlling issues.

Anyway should I accommodate his anxiety about the kids to always be super safe and supervise them? Or should he trust me when I’m making the plans? How much attention does your husbands or partners take in such arrangements as play dates, parties and lifts? Do you tell them about your plans or reassure of the arrangements at all?

I know. It’s mad. I know it is.

OP posts:
itsallgoodinthehood · 23/01/2022 06:41

I think he frames it as being worried about them but actually it's controlling you . Please look up narcissistic behaviour . Ive been through this exact situation and your post really resonated with me .

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2022 07:19

He’s manipulating you and controlling you
It’s abusive and it’ll affect your girls as well

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 07:22

Yep, he’s controlling.
Quietly get your ducks in a row, and if you’re ever afraid for your safety call the police.

Sprucewillis · 23/01/2022 07:31

What is he concerned about exactly? It does seem his motivation is controlling you rather than genuine concern for the DC. The 'respect' narrative is usually a red flag for this especially if it is on repeat.

It looks like he wants to know where you are and what you are doing all the time. I'm guessing he doesn't like you having time off radar.

Certainly it's no way to live and that's it's causing you concern and you are editing your behaviour speaks volumes.

I think you already know what the answer is OP. You will get lots of support here Thanks

OLP2019 · 23/01/2022 07:32

He's controlling you by framing it as concern for the kids. ! He doesn't really care THAT much but he can make you worry that you're doing something wrong when actually what you're allowing them to do is completely normal

OLP2019 · 23/01/2022 07:37

Also it's really telling that he was unhappy about the other parent taking your kid to a party - obviously that parent isn't going to put your kid in any danger it's totally normal to share those kind of things with a trusted other parent

Sundancerintherain · 23/01/2022 07:41

He is controlling you and in time will control your daughters too.
They will be the ones virtually grounded as teens and unable to become independent because he wont want them to be.
Trust your gut.

Bearsinmotion · 23/01/2022 07:43

That all sounds very familiar. ExDP had anxiety issues but it never extended to him doing anything, it was always me that had to find a solution. He’s been gone over a year now and life is so much better.

You sound like you see exactly what he’s doing and the impact it’s having on your DC, which is great. I normalised exDP’s behaviour for too long and should have left much sooner. Good luck, but it sounds like you’ve got this!

QuiteAtALoss · 23/01/2022 07:48

Echoing everyone else- he isn't anxious, he's controlling.

Anxiety would mean he was the one hovering, keeping an eye, taking them out, double checking car seats, etc. Not making you feel like shit when he was off somewhere else.

He wants you at home, to keep you small and compliant, worried about his reaction so not doing anything at all. (The occasional 'yes' to things is part of the process, you never know what he'll do next so you don't risk it)

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2022 07:53

I agree with others saying that this isn’t about anxiety otherwise he’d be driving the kids around etc. He’s using it as an excuse for you to comply. It is good you’ve now realised what he’s like. It sounds as if what you’ve described here is the tip of the iceberg.

Original poster
FluffyLamkins · 23/01/2022 08:07

Thank you all. It’s almost a relief to say it out loud and hear you say it is as I fear. I actually believe he is anxious about them. Being hurt, being ill, “if anything happens to them”. He says would you entrust £1million to another person so why would you let them drive our precious daughters. And yes this is when they’re younger. God help us when they’re teens and need to spread their wings.

Looking back, this was a red flag when we first dated. I was out running and he went nuts because he didn’t know where I was so after that I was to leave a note of my route.

He has health anxiety too so always paranoid he’s got covid and testing, and onto the doctor about any issue. Although that is understandable as he had cancer and was fobbed off by his gp for a year so I think that’s made him super worried about health.

He was at work when he was away. If he’d been here he would have taken her. He’s a smothering parent and we’ve had discussions at playgroup and school about certain aspects eg drop off used to be super painful if he did it because he was waiting for a child to tell him she was ready for him to leave. But the teacher just wanted him to drop and go but he’s never wrong you see.

We’re going for counselling but I’ll start getting intel about options to go.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/01/2022 08:08

My ex was like this and I agree with the others. It's not anxiety it's about knowing where YOU are at all times.

Westmeathtip · 23/01/2022 08:14

Eurgh I feel itchy just reading this. He sounds awful.

pictish · 23/01/2022 08:16

He uses the kids to control YOU.

The incidents with nursery drop off show him to have narcissistic traits, yes. He thinks he’s exceptional and entitled to disrupt long standing protocol to suit himself. If every parent came in and hung about it would be chaos.
I think he likes to feel like he’s in charge doesn’t he?

pictish · 23/01/2022 08:21

Yeah you gotta go…it’s not what you wanted or set out to do but once you see a controlling, narcissistic prick for what he is, there’s nothing to salvage from it. All respect gone, all motivation to compromise gone, all attraction dead. Who wants a bogeyman for a husband?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 08:24

Op, it's not recommended that you do counselling with an abusive partner. Could you swap to separate counselling? So you can talk about what YOU really want?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2022 09:19

Do not undergo any form of joint counselling with him; go on your own. Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Such entitled people are never going to be open either to be at all counselled by some person whom he sees as "lower" than him.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is NO relationship model to be teaching them. He is indeed using your DDs to control you and he will further cause them a lot of emotional harm. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Womens Aid can and will help you leave if this is what you want and I would suggest that yes, its time to plan your exit. I would also suggest you seek out a firm of Solicitors and one at that who is well versed in the ways of manipulative abusive men like your H. He won't make it at all easy for you to leave because he is abusive and will be obstructive throughout and post divorce too. Do not enter into mediation proceedings with him.

Did you yourself grow up with a parent like your H?. What did you learn about relationships from them?

Wolfiefan · 23/01/2022 09:26

If he really is anxious then he needs treatment.
But if he’s never wrong and won’t seek help to change then yes you have to leave. I grew up around the eggshells atmosphere and it was awful. That’s what he will do to control the girls as they get older.

Greenmarmalade · 23/01/2022 09:30

Just be completely aware that if you’re in the UK, he’ll then be granted 50-50 time with them. I’d still leave- but find out the reality of what will happen next too.

QuiteAtALoss · 23/01/2022 09:59

@Greenmarmalade

Just be completely aware that if you’re in the UK, he’ll then be granted 50-50 time with them. I’d still leave- but find out the reality of what will happen next too.
Where are you getting that information from? That's not a given, not at all.

Many controlling abusers threaten going for custody but don't follow through, it's hot air. And anyway, even if they did end up with a 50/50 arrangement, it's surely better than the 100% the dc endure now?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2022 10:09

Indeed 50/50 is a starting point; not a given and my guess too is that he will only use his children going forward as a tool to further try and control his ex wife with.

This man is only for his own self; his wife and children are there only as bit part players with he being at the centre of his own universe.

Plantagenous · 23/01/2022 10:15

Even if you arranged a 50/50 the girls would soon want to not go to his.

Plantagenous · 23/01/2022 10:24

On another thread a poster has said that when they made a decision like this, they thought about where they wanted to be in five years and how they hope their life will be.

I think this is good advice.

See a solicitor and get knowledge. Knowledge is power OP.

sassbott · 23/01/2022 10:36

I agree with every PP sadly. His ‘anxiety’ is a shield for control of you. This will eventually extend to the children as they get older and less biddable.

I also agree with not going to joint counselling. The risk is that he manipulates the counsellor / his rhetoric so that you then also have a professional effectively telling you to make compromises (if counsellors are not trained in narcissistic abusers, they make these situations 10 times worse for the victim).

I also agree with getting your ducks in a row. Womens aid. If you can, get your own counselling support. Legal/ financial prep - do you have access to your financials or does he control them? Tell a few close trusted friends (only if you can trust them), he cannot find our your plans.

converseandjeans · 23/01/2022 10:40

Where did he go? Sounds like it was ok for him to go out?

It's normal to take turns with lifts for this sort of thing. He's being ridiculous.