I think I do. Today I realised my younger DD had been invited to a birthday party as had forgotten about it. I hesitated about telling H because he usually makes a fuss or is difficult, either to do with covid or something else when the kids are asked to others houses. However realised it would be worse if I didn’t mention it so I did. And surprisingly he was ok today. Wow.
Another mum I know from the school gates, not really well but have chatted to her and know where she lives, her child and she’s a nurse which I thought was a positive - offered to take DD in her car to the party. I checked she had a car seat. Plus she was taking another close friends child too.
H was not happy. He left the house not saying anything but then called me to say he wasn’t happy about the other child’s mum driving our DD and I should take her. In the past I probably would have just done it. I’ve had to decline invites and change plans because of him in the past. He’s terribly over protective and anxious about the girls and doesn’t trust or like most other people. I debated whether just to take her myself. Because I knew they’d be a fallout or fuss if I didn’t. But I’m sick of being disempowered and unable to make decisions so I stuck with it, checked DD was fine with it and off she went. The mum texted me to say they’d been dropped off fine. All was well.
Predictably H was “upset” later when he got home. He largely was ignoring me although cheery enough to the kids. The old walking on eggshells atmosphere. At night started up about how I “disrespected” him when all he wants is the best care for the girls and to be respected ie do as he wants it seems. Says the party goer came to reassure him too that she’d be fine before he left which I didn’t know about. But that was “my fault” for saying that he’s worried - but I had said nothing. Very sad the children know he flies off the handle I think.
We’ve had it already with the girls walking the dog, visiting across the road and riding a horse. Always told by H to be extra cautious and never let them out my sight. Overly more than I’d do because they are responsible and I give them a bit of freedom.
I can’t live like this. I’m sure he is anxious but there’s no autonomy for me to make decisions and if I don’t do as he says - or “give him some respect” as he’d frame it - then I am punished by huffy or silent treatment behaviour and a talking to.
A lot of the time he is ok but I realised recently that my decisions quite often circle around him and keeping the peace. And he always points out how unhappy I am with my life - which is not true, except it possibly is when he is around. I’m sure he’s got some narcissistic tendencies and definitely toxic controlling issues.
Anyway should I accommodate his anxiety about the kids to always be super safe and supervise them? Or should he trust me when I’m making the plans? How much attention does your husbands or partners take in such arrangements as play dates, parties and lifts? Do you tell them about your plans or reassure of the arrangements at all?
I know. It’s mad. I know it is.