How do I stop hating my ex?

[Stjr]

My husband and I split up after 6 years of hell. Our marriage was awful. When I met him I was so in love with him and I thought he was in love with me too. He move bombed me and swept me off my feet. We got pregnant, bought a house and got married within a year. We now have a six year old son together. Throughout our marriage he walked out on me constantly and told me that he didn’t want to be married, I was a mistake, he hated me. This was every time we had an argument. He would go and stay at his mum’s house for days, or go and stay in a hotel. He must have done it about 50 times and each time I was beside myself. He cheated on me when our baby was 10 months old and he was working away. When our son was small he used to work away for weeks at a time and i would be left at home with the baby. If I ever tried to speak to him about anything he would stone wall me, roll his eyes, leave the room, storm out of the house and go to the pub and tell me to fuck off. He was physically violent towards me on a number of occasions and did things like pulling my hair and sitting on my chest and putting his hands round my neck. He said really horrible things to me and called me a slut quite a lot when we first got together.
When he first started walking out on me I used to beg him to come back and remind him that we loved each other. As the years went on I got more and more angry. I got to the stage where I started speaking to him the way he spoke to me calling him names and telling him to fuck off and that I hated him.
We have been properly split up for a year now. He has moved on and has a new girlfriend who he has only been with for 2 months but has introduced to our son. I haven’t moved on at all. He’s had only just had our son over night for the first time this week. He pays me the bare minimum CSA and has left me paying the mortgage and all the bills on a house he half owns. He says my financial woes aren’t his problem but he still wants half the value of the house whenever it gets sold even though he’s paid nothing towards it for a year.
I am so angry, I don’t know what to do. I want to move on with my life and not care, but the thought of him going for meals with his new girlfriend and being happy and in the honeymoon phase, feeling loved up together, like we where in the beginning, makes my blood boil. I think of the years he stole from me and how he has left me paying for everything and doing all the childcare and it makes me so angry. I also think I’m madly jealous and I don’t know why. I hate his new girlfriend even though rationally I know she’s done nothing wrong. I just can’t move past it. I think about him and how much I hate him all the time. I don’t think about anything else really. I spend my time wishing he would die. Sometimes I think I want to give my son to him and just run away. I hate my life so much but I don’t want to feel like this. I desperately don’t want to waste more of my life. We don’t even speak to each other anymore. He ignores all my texts about our son and calls me “mental”. How can I find some peace and accept what happened and move on?

Embrace your anger @Stjr. Drink whisky, play angry music. Do a motherfucking angry dance. Lie on the floor, listen to Pink Floyd and cry. Feel the tears running into your ears.💔

Disengage stop texting him about your son

Scrape a life from somewhere find some friends even virtual ones ones not connected to him my post split friends don't know what I ever saw in my ex all they know is what a bastard he is to me and the kids so when he creeps around them trying to say bad things about me they laugh at him

First, whatever he did to you, however he treated you, he’ll do again. To this gf, the next one or the one after that.
Second. Make him pay what he should be paying.
Third. Remind yourself why you left him. You can allocate him a picture in your mind if you like—- dirt on my shoe was my preferred picture.

You know logically you don’t want him, he’s no good for you—- it takes time for the emotional realisation to catch up, I think. You grieve for what should have been.
As @TooBigForMyBoots has said some loud music (Ceelo Green F* You is a good place to start) Play loudly and join in.
It will get better.

I understand, I feel the same way and it’s been 4 years now. Still feel just as angry over the situation.

May i ask,
Is he still living in the house that you bought tgt?
If not, is it possible to sell it and you move to a cheaper rent place with your DS?
The house will be a big trouble after years.

I'm 6 years down the line and my exh still has the ability to take me right back to how I felt during our marriage. He also worked away in his words 'to get away from you', called me a mistake, cheated on me. In the end I took my DC and left him. He's made sure to never forgive me for being the one who ended it, how DARE I.

It's ok to still be angry. I'm still angry. But make it work for you, that anger, make it help build you back up.

1.See a solicitor regarding the house,assets,pension etc

2.See a counsellor for you;what you've been through is traumatic

3.Dont give your ex any head space,he doesn't deserve it.Look up grey rock technique and consider do the freedom programme;your no longer together but the freedom programme might still help you.

4.You don't have to stop hating him;Your allowed too but that feeling will eventually become indifference to him.The only thing you need to do is co parent safely.

Bloody hell I would hate him too. What an absolutely vile man.

Rejoice that you are away from him.

Sell the house. Put it on the market, or buy him out, or whatever, but get rid of that link. Get a shit hot lawyer and get a decent divorce settlement. He’s love bombed you and then treated you appallingly. I’m not a psychologist and I’ve never met him, so I couldn’t call him a narcissist (though someone will undoubtedly be along in a moment to do just that), but he certainly exhibits some of the behaviours. Communicate with him only via email. He will start to treat his new GF the way he treated you. It is inevitable because that’s who he is. Consider a few sessions of therapy to help you understand your toxic relationship.

Well, simply, when you’ve left this utter piece of shit….you will feel better….and you can and you will…

Therapy could be a really good option. Learning how to be grateful you're out of that relationship with him and how to compartmentalise that chapter of your life could be really liberating.

I had a life luke yours; i urge you to do the freedom project online and get therapy this will make u strong . Take charge of your life or he wil still abuse u from afar. Show yr son what a strong woman is. Therapy therspy therspy but find a counseller who can work with someone who has been abused . . When i took control my ex found another woman and stopped seeing the kids . But the kids were already damaged so needed therspy too . We are now so happy and free . My mantra was work round everything he does , stop thinking i cant do it ... in reality i know therapy saved me as thats where i slowly took my life back and grew self esteem ( it was tough in the beginning but got better). U deserve better but until i believe it u will not get it from abusive people , also watch out he will prob use your son to get at you . Time for you to block his abuse and live your life free .

Sorry for spelling and grammer i cant find my glasses arrgh

You know what you're justifiably angry with how you've been treated but you need to accept that this is how it is
He will never change
He love bombed you
He probably doesn't really care about your child hard as that is to accept
Channel your anger and do the best for you and your child without twat

You are 'jealous' not for the woman who is now with this POS, but for the life you hoped you would have. Unfortunately, it was never going to exist with him. The way to find a happy life and loving relationship is to look to the future. Turn your hopes and dreams away from the past and a man on whom you should waste no more energy. Meet new people and rebuild your own happy life.

I’m not 100% but I think he maybe able to claim only half the value of the property up until the time he left it
If you are making the mortgage payments alone now, he has no claim to that percentage of it paid solely by you
In your shoes I would seek legal advice as the clarity would help me moving forward and would reduce worries on my part
Keep going
My ExH left me 14 years ago. I have moved on very successfully but there is a corner of mind where he sometimes sits and receives anger and disdain
I can control it, otherwise it progresses to bitterness and then that negatively affects me. As in most things, it’s time that is your here
💐

Friend here

Go see a solicitor about the finances. The house, pension, savings, investments. Everything.

Meanwhile if you’re living alone with your child you should get a council tax discount. Also try and get an appointment with citizens advice speak to them about checking what benefits 2you may be entitled to./

Are you claiming maintenance through CMS, if not do so.

Change your phone number use your current one in an old phone for communication about your DS if he’s at your ex’s. Otherwise don’t bother contacting or messaging your ex.

Block your ex on all social media.

See if you can get counselling.

Take up a physical activity it helps expend the built up anger in my experience.

The anger will fade over time.

It’s a shit situation and not at all easy to stop the emotions. I found disengaging as much as possible the best way. Limit your contact with ex to absolutely bare minimum, have him pick up from school for contact and drop back to school so you don’t even see him if it helps. Delete him off social media. Celebrate the fact that you are free of that awful relationship and can parent the way you want to. Engage with your friends more, stop yourself when you start talking about him. Aim to not let him have your headspace.

Frolo App is worth joining, it’s for single parents and you’ll find many in similar or worse situations. None of it is fair. But there is comfort in solidarity with others who know what it us like.

Part of the anger will be at him for treating you so badly the other part will be towards yourself for allowing him to treat you badly. And it is also frustration, as it seems that he has walked away with no repercussions and has never said sorry to you. But you have to remember you did not deserve this, he broke the relationship and it is a lost cause.

It will be easier if you take control now and move on, detach him from your life as much as possible. See a solicitor and get the house valued and sold. Pay him the bare minimum he is entitled to. Change your phone number & block him on all social media. Do not contact him again and just let it go.

My first husband treated me like yours has you.

Even after we divorced he was vile until our son told him to go fuck himself (long story, but he deserved it) - hasten to add my son was 17 at this point.

Several years after that event and exdh is trying to find our DS who is not interested. I had a brief chat with ex in case his Dad had died, but he was calling to say he had a young baby boy that had been taken to the other side of the country and blocked all contact. Ex is in his 50s! Took all that time, but karma has bitten him hard.

My advice to you, stay calm but stay strong. Make clear decisions. Push for what you want from the divorce. Then have zero contact other than cold, factual contact about him seeing the baby, if he bothers.

One day the anger will subside and you'll feel nothing.

Something that really helped me was someone saying “Don’t be a victim, it disempowers you”. It is so true.

In my case, It would take hours to tell you how nasty and abusive my ex was towards me and my son, but he didn’t had me chained to bed or locked me in the house. I could have changed the situation by walking out but chose not to for many years.

Knowing I had what I needed to get out of difficult situations even if at some point I failed to trust my strengths, helped me to move on and rebuild my life. If I had kept blaming him for everything I would be still marinating myself in hate even when I have not seen him for many years.

My hate and fear have morphed, I don’t know if I have forgiven him but I know that if he ends up having a good happy life or drops dead tomorrow I wouldn’t give a hoot. Simple as that.

First of all well done for separating from this piece of shit. You have the freedom to move on with your life.

Agree with @thenewduchessoflapland.

Make a fresh start and start making making happy memories with your children, dont let this man ruin your future. It's also ok to feel the way you feel however dont let it overtake your life. I still think about horrendous times that I had in a previous relationship bit now it's more of a reflection and I have the mindset now to be able to accept it was the right decision to walk away. I stopped engaging with him and cut off all communication links.

Lots of great advice from posters.
Wish you all the best, you can do this. Goodluck.