My husband and I split up after 6 years of hell. Our marriage was awful. When I met him I was so in love with him and I thought he was in love with me too. He move bombed me and swept me off my feet. We got pregnant, bought a house and got married within a year. We now have a six year old son together. Throughout our marriage he walked out on me constantly and told me that he didn’t want to be married, I was a mistake, he hated me. This was every time we had an argument. He would go and stay at his mum’s house for days, or go and stay in a hotel. He must have done it about 50 times and each time I was beside myself. He cheated on me when our baby was 10 months old and he was working away. When our son was small he used to work away for weeks at a time and i would be left at home with the baby. If I ever tried to speak to him about anything he would stone wall me, roll his eyes, leave the room, storm out of the house and go to the pub and tell me to fuck off. He was physically violent towards me on a number of occasions and did things like pulling my hair and sitting on my chest and putting his hands round my neck. He said really horrible things to me and called me a slut quite a lot when we first got together.
When he first started walking out on me I used to beg him to come back and remind him that we loved each other. As the years went on I got more and more angry. I got to the stage where I started speaking to him the way he spoke to me calling him names and telling him to fuck off and that I hated him.
We have been properly split up for a year now. He has moved on and has a new girlfriend who he has only been with for 2 months but has introduced to our son. I haven’t moved on at all. He’s had only just had our son over night for the first time this week. He pays me the bare minimum CSA and has left me paying the mortgage and all the bills on a house he half owns. He says my financial woes aren’t his problem but he still wants half the value of the house whenever it gets sold even though he’s paid nothing towards it for a year.
I am so angry, I don’t know what to do. I want to move on with my life and not care, but the thought of him going for meals with his new girlfriend and being happy and in the honeymoon phase, feeling loved up together, like we where in the beginning, makes my blood boil. I think of the years he stole from me and how he has left me paying for everything and doing all the childcare and it makes me so angry. I also think I’m madly jealous and I don’t know why. I hate his new girlfriend even though rationally I know she’s done nothing wrong. I just can’t move past it. I think about him and how much I hate him all the time. I don’t think about anything else really. I spend my time wishing he would die. Sometimes I think I want to give my son to him and just run away. I hate my life so much but I don’t want to feel like this. I desperately don’t want to waste more of my life. We don’t even speak to each other anymore. He ignores all my texts about our son and calls me “mental”. How can I find some peace and accept what happened and move on?