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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heard neighbours arguing, not sure what to do..

29 replies

Toinfinityandbeyond3 · 22/01/2022 22:42

Heard my next door neighbours arguing, it was very audible and heard every single world.. There was a lot of swearing, but not verbal abuse towards each other, It almost became physical when one stood in the way of the other as they tried to leave and they were prevented, (it didn't become physical) and one of them started hysterically crying and sobbing, I'm not sure what to do.. As far as I'm aware as their next door neighbour, I've never heard any arguing or domestic abuse at all between them and they seem relatively happy. This is the first time in several years I've heard arguing.
I'm friends with both of them and they've been there for me through a rough time and done untold favours for me, I want to check they are both ok but don't want them to think I'm sticking my beak in and also don't want to embarrass them by saying I heard their argument. I also don't want them to apologise to me for hearing..
What should I do? Keep my beak out or send them a text tomorrow? I'm closer to one of them in the couple and wanted to say if they ever needed a place to go to have some space or to chat they can always knock on my door.
How should I handle it?

OP posts:

MooPointCowsOpinion · 22/01/2022 22:45

I’d try gently with an “is everything ok…?” Slightly pointed question as soon as you can, with one of them. If they are a heterosexual couple I’d consider it being with the woman, not the man, just because of the potential there is DV and she will need you more (nearly all DV assaults are by men).

Jk24 · 23/01/2022 00:13

Id keep well out of this. Because it wasn't physical and a one off I don't see any dv going on. If it was physical and regular then yes but not going off this one occasion

RedCandyApple · 23/01/2022 00:15

I would stay out of it and not do anything, couples argue.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 00:20

Keep out of it. It was an one off occurrence and none of your business.

DustyMaiden · 23/01/2022 00:21

Stay out of it, they will mention it if they want to.

greenlynx · 23/01/2022 00:41

I wouldn’t mention anything specifically about this argument, just be friendly, sometimes stuff happens. Our neighbour once came when DH and I were having huge loud argument with banging doors during the day, I accidentally saw her through the window leaving, she probably decided not to knock it’s quite loud. There is no abuse in our relationship and we are good but there are lots of difficulties due to DD’s additional needs, we both are exhausted and stressed. Of course it’s not right but it’s how it is.

NewYearEveryYear · 23/01/2022 00:45

I'd keep out of it.

DH and I hardly ever argue (less than annually) and I'd be gutted if a friendly neighbour had overheard, let alone commented on it.

SmellyBumMum · 23/01/2022 00:51

Keep yer beak out and pretend you heard nothing!

Fl0w3ry · 23/01/2022 00:54

I agree with keep out of it. Couples argue. I think it could make them feel very uncomfortable or embarrassed if you even hint that you heard.

Bakewelltart987 · 23/01/2022 00:59

Keep ya beak out. You already said its a one off and not physical. why do you need to try and get involved?

Fluenty · 23/01/2022 01:13

Are you serious?
It was a one off argument with no physical or verbal abuse.
Mind your business
Couples argue

Figgyboa · 23/01/2022 05:52

Stay out of it! When I first started dating my OH we had a fight/argument similar to this. We were both drunk, I was hysterical and a friend overhead it. I was mortified the next day, thankfully said friend never brought it up. Several years and no fights later my OH and I are still very much in love. Shit happens every now and then

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/01/2022 06:28

@Jk24

Id keep well out of this. Because it wasn't physical and a one off I don't see any dv going on. If it was physical and regular then yes but not going off this one occasion

Yep this

My DH and I have a lovely life and get on great but I do remember one incident where we both were at break point (both bereaved, both had job issues... very stressed etc) and had an incredibly sweary heated argument about something very trivial. Can't even remember what about.

People are human

autienotnaughty · 23/01/2022 07:11

I would check the next time I see one of them, "is everything ok"? What if they need support but don't want to ask. They can always brush you off if they don't.

RantyAunty · 23/01/2022 07:14

No, just be aware in the future if things escalate.

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 07:15

Stay out.
Don’t mention it unless it becomes regular.

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2022 07:19

The only argument you've heard in all the years you've lived next to them, shouting but not being verbally abusive, no violence and one of them just wanting to leave to deescalate followed by an outpouring of emotion

I would do nothing obvious at this point. They had a really bad row. Some couples have them.

I'd make myself available for coffee and see how it goes

Original poster

Toinfinityandbeyond3 · 23/01/2022 07:39

Thank you all. And to the PP who said why do I need to try and get involved.. I'm not trying to do anything, I was just worried.
I definitely don't want to embarrass them by telling them I heard their argument. Next time I see them I'll just ask if everything is OK. It was horrible to hear as someone who used to be in a very abusive relationship, but gather its normal for couples to argue.

OP posts:

PixelatedLunchbox · 23/01/2022 07:45

@Toinfinityandbeyond3

Thank you all. And to the PP who said why do I need to try and get involved.. I'm not trying to do anything, I was just worried. I definitely don't want to embarrass them by telling them I heard their argument. Next time I see them I'll just ask if everything is OK. It was horrible to hear as someone who used to be in a very abusive relationship, but gather its normal for couples to argue.

"Is everything okay" let's them know you overheard them argue. DON'T. Just act normal. It may be rare for them to argue, but it's normal. Let it go.

layladomino · 23/01/2022 08:09

I echo don't say 'Is everything OK?' - they will realise you heard and will be really embarassed.

They had a loud arguement. Not great, but it sometimes happens. No suggestion of abuse. So best left.

I would treat them as you always have. If one of them wants to confide in you, hopefully they will.

Octopi · 23/01/2022 08:16

If its the first time in years you have heard them argue and there was no indication of violence etc I would do and say nothing. Of course if it becomes frequent or if you hear/see something violent then report.

bouncydog · 23/01/2022 09:08

Don’t say anything. Couples argue. It would have been different if you had heard sounds of violence in which case you should have called the police. You will embarrass them if you mention anything.

ClariceQuiff · 23/01/2022 09:15

Going against the grain, but I would say something along the lines of 'are you ok' to the one who was prevented from leaving.

Better to say something and to be wrong, than to do nothing and later find you were right.

mdh2020 · 23/01/2022 09:16

We kept out of it till we heard him throwing furniture - then we called the Police.

OnlyFoolsHaveMoreKids · 23/01/2022 09:17

I mean this kindly but I think you need to realise that this is more about you and your past. Sounds like it may have skewed your perception of what is okay to do?

Arguments are perfectly normal in healthy relationships. They are also often not something where we are at our most dignified, and are certainly private. You shouldn’t mention overhearing this any more than you should mention hearing them have sex.

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