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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i need him out of my life

61 replies

HappyNewYear2008 · 28/12/2007 11:44

i am sick and tired of the crap i put up with from my ds dad. we have been off and on for 10 yrs and on xmas day he was a w@nker. his family haven't bought me any presents and his db has been insistant on what to get his dw. he said while your getting ready i am going to take ds to visit and give everyone their presents and i said wait i will come with. he said no you can't cause they wont have got you anything.. anyway cut a long story short i said why would you get her something and they not get me and he said she is more important than you cause they are married (she left him for a month this year and everyone thinks it was for someone else and they have been together about 6 yrs) and when i got upset not a lot but i did cry he went mad and said no one likes you thats why . and your fat?!
we went to his house for dinner (i cooked) and he said to ds (2.10) that his presents were in the wardrobe upstairs (we get seperate presents and live in seperate houses).. what was santa tired by then.

he was then a complete arse.. He went to visit his family once ds was asleep for nap and get me a present from his dm (i know this sounds ungrateful) but it was a pair of earings from the argos catalogue for £2. and i know his sil would have got something nicer?

dinner went well and the rest of the day. he is so mean to me all the time and calling me names. somehow he has this hold over me and i need to break it. he calls me c**t more than he uses my name which he thinks is funny.

OP posts:
HappyNewYear2008 · 28/12/2007 15:12

thank you everyone. i think your right w.holly. i don't know what i needf to do and i need to break it down.
i am going to buy a phone tomorrow and change my phone number and then that's a step forward.
i am then going to sort out what visiting times etc he is going to have a make him stick to them. overtime or no overtime.
how do i stop him speaking to me like that?

OP posts:
bossybritches · 28/12/2007 15:34

Nice one Happy that's two things sorted isn't it?!!

Make sure you have a tick list-VERY satisfying when you can cross off/tick a thing done (it's a silly thing but good for feelin gyou're getting somewhere!)

Re the insults- I would very calmly say you refuse to speak/listen to him when he speaks like that to you. If necessary walk away/hang up. If he gets cross just ignore him & re-iterate the phrase "I don't have to listen to this"

It'll wind him up at first but it's a controlling thing-he's a bully & most bullies are cowards at heart so don't let him point score that way. He'll have to learn to stop or go away & lash out at someone else.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/12/2007 17:58

Well done happy sounds like you are making a good start!

I'd agree with bossy with regards how he talks toyou. Just calmly state that you won't listen tohim while he talks toyou like that and just hang up. Avoid all face-to-face contact and if he tries tostart anargument with you and getyou frawnintoit just walkaway or hang up. you don't have to listen to his insults, so don't.

Wanderingtrolley's advice RE how you think about things is spot on too and very sound, especially the bit "The questions to ask are the ones that start 'How do I...?' not 'But what if he...?'" Try to remember that!

HappyNewYear2008 · 29/12/2007 10:21

droped ds there today as i am working. i feel really stressed last night and today.
he has been texting me about new yrs eve asking what i am doing. etc

ordered a phone on play.com yesterday as soon as it's here i am changing numbers and telling him it's completely over.

it's frustrating as ds adores him and it annoys me cause he doesn't deserve it

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 29/12/2007 14:05

Be strong,don't tell him what you are doing on new years eve or feel pressured to do sometihng with him or let him stay over.

Just tell him you have plans,when he asks or demands what, just don't elaborate, keep your cool and be distant. Bite your tongue rather than get into an argument or slanging match, it will help you distance yourself and give him the signal that you are not emotionally attached or dependant on him,which I'm assuming he is banking on.

HappyNewYear2008 · 30/12/2007 17:26

thank you overmydeadbody. this is the sort of thing i was doing before and i started t feel much stronger. this helps because i feel no so alone.
thanks

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OverMyDeadBody · 31/12/2007 13:15

Hi Happynewyear, hope things are going ok for you. Whenever you feel alone just come on herefor moral support!

Have you got your new phone yet?

I hope you are feeling stronger now and have a good new year's eve that doesn't involve that idiot

catsmother · 31/12/2007 14:22

I can't give any further advice above which has already been given but am so glad you are feeling stronger and doing the right thing.

As others have said, if you need to ask anything or to seek reassurance at any time, just come here and there will nearly always be someone about to speak to you.

Of course, the whole idea of making the break isn't easy - especially when chances are he'll try to make you feel bad and cause trouble but you need to keep telling yourself that so long as you stick to your guns with this, that one day it will be over and you will have come out the other side feeling so much better - which will of course then also reflect on your son.

No - he - your son, doesn't "deserve" his parents breaking up, but the "togetherness" you have isn't really what being together is all about anyway and I think you know that deep down. What your son does deserve is a happy, self confident mummy and to be able to live in peace. If he hears the aggression and contempt implicit in the c**t word on a regular basis then he doesn't have that now. It doesn't matter that he is too young to know what the words literally means, the horrid tone of it will be enough a) to frighten him and b) plant the seeds in his mind that that is how men treat women.

Please, please, don't let yourself be treated like this any longer. There are real men out there who will treat you with love, respect and consideration but if I were you I'd simply concentrate upon giving yourself and your son the best life you can for the moment, forget about anyone else, and think about yourself for a change.

And don't waste any more time worrying about presents .... I think that worry was a symptom of how you feel - "worthless" - rather than a cause. Once you kick this "man" into touch, you won't need to think about who bought who what - it simply won't matter any more. Who'd want to be part of such a family who've managed to drag up such a revolting man anyway ?

Do see your GP and a solicitor too. There's no shame in seeking help, none at all.

Stay strong ! This will be over one day - bullies like him might try it on but as they get their kicks out of being in control, he won't stick around for long once he sees you mean business.

HappyNewYear2008 · 31/12/2007 17:00

thank you everyone. it is hard to know that there will be an end to feeling like this one day.

not looking forward to tonight. treating me and ds to dinner out nice baths and treats in front of tv.

phone not hear yet although my new attitude has got him concerned that there is someone else!?

OP posts:
HappyNewYear2008 · 31/12/2007 17:02

also he invited me to a partyat his bro house

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OverMyDeadBody · 31/12/2007 20:17

I hope you have a wonderful night tonight, I can't think of anytihng better than having dinner out with your DS, then having a nice bath and treats in front of the t.v., seriously .Enjoy it, and enjoy the peace and calm, and not having anyone call you c**t or other names.

This is the begining of a better future for you and your DS.

Great post from catsmother too.

Who cares what he thinks, let him think you have another man, and especially let him think you couldn't give two hoots about him and are not dependant on him. Maybe he'll realise you are not his property!

Happy New Year! It WILL get better. Trust me.

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