i need him out of my life

[HappyNewYear2008]

i am sick and tired of the crap i put up with from my ds dad. we have been off and on for 10 yrs and on xmas day he was a w@nker. his family haven't bought me any presents and his db has been insistant on what to get his dw. he said while your getting ready i am going to take ds to visit and give everyone their presents and i said wait i will come with. he said no you can't cause they wont have got you anything.. anyway cut a long story short i said why would you get her something and they not get me and he said she is more important than you cause they are married (she left him for a month this year and everyone thinks it was for someone else and they have been together about 6 yrs) and when i got upset not a lot but i did cry he went mad and said no one likes you thats why . and your fat?!
we went to his house for dinner (i cooked) and he said to ds (2.10) that his presents were in the wardrobe upstairs (we get seperate presents and live in seperate houses).. what was santa tired by then.

he was then a complete arse.. He went to visit his family once ds was asleep for nap and get me a present from his dm (i know this sounds ungrateful) but it was a pair of earings from the argos catalogue for £2. and i know his sil would have got something nicer?

dinner went well and the rest of the day. he is so mean to me all the time and calling me names. somehow he has this hold over me and i need to break it. he calls me c**t more than he uses my name which he thinks is funny.

Oh lovely, please get rid of this man and dear god please dont have another child with him!

Dont let him make you feel guilty for not giving your DS a sibling, in the future he may well have a sibling when you meet someone else. My ex tried this card when i was going through a number of mc's with my DP now, told me I was jealous cos hes moving on and having more kids and giving my DS what he needs a sibling. We got there in the end and now DS has a sibling from my part and no longer sees his dad.

You need to make proper arrangements for him to have access to your DS and dont put up with his shit. It will take alot for you to get strong and actually go through with it. Get back in touch with friends, go out and have fun whilst he has your DS. Get your life back

My DS is from a previous relationship and I too hated feeling left out of the things he did with DS but I soon got used to it and me and DS would always have much more fun anyway, plus it was me that put him to bed each night and me who saw his cute smiley face each morning.

People now say to me that Ive done a brilliant job on my own bringing him up and I should be proud of myself.

I promise you it will get easier being on your own and you will start enjoying yourself again.

As for the presents, is it really worth getting upset over, leave them to there silly games i think.

Good luck You just need that confidence back

your younger sister sounds like she will support you, call her and tell her you are ending it with him and need her support. If she left in tears from how he spoke to you then she will probably waht to help you make a clean break.

is that a month? a year? or a week?
he will have to give youthat whether you are '
together' or not.

womesnnaid

also citizens advice beureax
also see your gp. soem surgeries do counselling session s for free.
there is also cognitive behaviour therapy.
i'll think of some other stuff to help and advise.but it will all happen once you make the decision.

agree with pukka, you need to make the decision that it's over, that will get the ball rolling and things will fall into place. I think the hardest part of leaviong a relationship is getting the courasge to do it, once that is done everything else gets easier.

Am really feeling for u

Agree with everyone above, get out, arrange proper access etc.
Maybe you could do a meet-up thread on MN to find more friends in your area.

You have had a child with a horrible man who hates you, as does his family.

There is nothing wrong with being or having an only child.

Get in touch with CAB and a solicitor. Sort out access. Change the locks on your house and don't let him in. Look at your tenancy agreement to see if there is any way the council will help you pay for this. Make sure you are claiming all the benefits to which you are entitled as a single parent.

The problem isn't that you are fat. It's that he is a fathead.

You will get lots of support from mumsnet. Your sister will support you leaving him.

You are a single parent with a home and a job and a lovely child. You are doing well.

I really wish you a happy 2008 (see how positive your name is already!)

i went to see a solicitor before when ds was first born and he would phone constantly and refuse to leave etc and he went balistic and i had his family onthe phone as well.

what would a solicitor do anyway - it's me isn't it that has to change my way of thinking regarding him?

i've texted him to confirm what days he wants ds in new year (he worked round my hours at work which no more a problem) and he has 1 overnight.
wait and see what he says

it makes me feel sick all this-feels like mind games

Yes you do! And your half way there by realising that. A solicitor would sort out proper access, by what you've told us about this man he isnt gonna mke it easy and it may well go to court but its not that scary, Ive been there.

You say you have your own house now, he lives elsewhere, keep it that way, it is your house you do not have to have him inside if you dont want to, if he refuses to leave call the police, you really do deserve better than this.

Although I honestly think once he sees you being independant, having fun, things may get nasty but they will calm down once he realises your not going to take any more of his shit.

If you went to a solicitor and it went to court he would have to abide by what the courts say other he will risk losing his DS. Happened with my ex, he dragged us through court and didnt stick to his side of the deal and hasnt seen my DS for 2 years now what a twat. Theres plenty of them out there isnt there.

i think my problem is this isn't what i wanted froim my life.
he talked me into doing ivf when my mum had died and i knew before that it was silly to do it with him. although i adore my ds and wouldn't change that but why is he like this?

he wont see why i've gone to a solicitor. wont that just make it harder cause he'll see ds as much as he can and i like him to cause ds is a daddy's boy.
he wouldn't get a solictor even if i did.
to him he would see that as just being nasty for no reason.

he will use the fact that i have involved solictors to make me the 'bad' one using my ds to get at him.
i'll try to go without a solictor at the moment.

when they collect your children do you have them ready and how do you maintain contact when they are on visits and for him to check on ds when he is home with me.

what do you say to your gp? sorry i feel odd to go in and tell him my 'relationship problems'.

A solicitor would tell you your rights & help you make a plan.

Does he have a key to the house? Why not get the locks changed in the NY & tell him he is always welcome to come & see your DS but he must make arrangements or warn you if he's dropping by.

If he kicks off or gets nasty calmly tell him you are not having it & offer to call the police. You can get an injunstion against him if he casues trouble.

If his family start on the phone tell THEM to leave it to you & HIMm to sort out it's not their concern.

Please DON'T even think about having another child with this man your DS will be fine if he has the stability of you & not Him around .

how old is DS?

If you have gone through IVF Happy you are a STRONG woman it is NOT easy. You CAN do this & we will be here to help you !!

Well he doesnt have to get a solicitor but the court will only give him the access which they think is enough.

How it worked with me was I pretty much got to say what access I wanted him to have and the court decided it was reasonable, it started off as a few hours every other sat, after 4 weeks it went to him staying over every other sat but he had to have him back at 11am, then after 6 weeks every other fri and sat night, but that was only on my say so, we didnt even get to the over night visits though.

You still have time to make what you want out of your life but please do it without him, he will only keep dragging you down. so sorry about your mum too .

You aren't gonna make your life what you want while he is still hanging round your neck pulling you back.

Probably not the best thing you may want to hear right now but he seems very similar to my ex, I have moved on, I have a new DP we have had another little boy, bought a house together, getting married in 2009 and I am going back to college in Jan. I have the support to be able to do it all now. You can do it too.

Tell your GP the truth, he is mentally abusing you happy and you need help to deal with that.
But your GP's help will only work if you break away from this horrible man

He is a complete and utter cock.

He is an insecure bully who likes to keep you down so he can control you.

A solicitor will inform you of what rights you both have, eg what child support you are entitled to and reasonable access.

Why do you care that he thinks you would be 'nasty' by involving a solicitor? So what, he is nasty to you for no reason at all. You could also involve the police, you should have a local family protection unit. He is mentally abusing you and this is what these units are set up for, not only to protect children, but also their carer/parent.

GPs are used to people coming in being depressed through relationship problems. From there you can be referred for counselling or consider AD.

I take it you don't live with him. If you set out a proper access arrangement you won't have to see him as much. If he turns up at your house when it's not been agreed, then don't let him in. Then you will have time to concentrate on yourself and remembering that you are your own person who would be a million times better without him controlling your life.

He's got the best of both worlds by not living with you and being a proper father anyway. Selfish twunt.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are coming up with quite a lot of half hearted excuses as you why you can't sort this out.

God this guy has got me well wound up and I don't even know you.....would quite happily come round and introduce his face to the back of my shovel.

(ps I do not condone violence in anyway...but ffs!)

thank you for the advice. i just really need the support i think. i am going to sort this out otherwise my ds will start to think my name is c**t!! i know this isn't healthy.
if he just turns up he calls ds through letterbox and ds will get really upset if he doesn't come in.
this is really helpful.
also i know this is silly but i'd feel a bit of a wally telling dr - was only in there this year for referal for IVF.. i will do it though. that's it i am going to have a great year and move on. meet someone and be normal not living half lives worrying about nob head.

my ds is 2.10 btw.

Sorry if I came across as harsh there but you seem quite a strong person, having gotten through IVF and losing your parents.

Nobody is going to think you are a wally, you are just someone that needs support to get through a tough time in your life.

See Happy!

Lots of us to hold your hand & give you strength.

Why not get your sister over & sit down with a pen & paper & make a list of ALL the things that need to change. Break it down into lots of little steps to make them achievable. She can probably help identify stuff as he has been awful to her too.

Then see what you feel you can do yourself & what you need help with & gradually do stuff that way so it's not overwhelming.

BTW try & get a cheap mobile in the new year & keep the number for his access only. That way you can give him one to reach yur DS on or for you to have conact re access visits.But you can turn it off & ignore it when you want!

Change the number on your current one & tell your closest friends only so it's not available to hi or his family.

Tell ds's father you are ending your relationship, the reason being he treats you like shit.

(Which he does because he is a bully and thus a weakling who picks on nice people who don't expect the father of their child to be an arsehole)

Tell him you very much want him to see lots of your ds. You and he will arrange access between a) just the two of you or b) via your solicitors. His family will not enter into this.

You tell your gp you are ending your relationship but you feel very stressed and have realised you have problems with confidence and self esteem, and would like to talk to someone about this.

He doesn't need to see why you've got a solicitor. If he doesn't get one, more fool him.

What you really, really, really need to do is stop letting what you think he'll do influence your decisions. Work out what you want for you and your ds. If you make decisions now based on what your ex does/says, then he is still controlling you.

I think the reason you might sound "half hearted" is that you genuinely don't realise how you can do this. I think you're uncertain of the steps to take.

The questions to ask are the ones that start 'How do I...?' not 'But what if he...?'

Good question: What do I say to the gp? (practical, how to get something done)
Crap question: Won't it make things harder if I get a solicitor? (THings are already hard and sod what he does, you're getting a solicitor for you and your ds)

From your last post, I can see you are a strong woman who is determined to make life better for herself and her child. At 2, your ds won't be too affected by the break up, he's still very young. You are doing the right thing.

So hurray for you!

Nice one WH!!