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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Something always comes up when we make plans

40 replies

Verytiredofwaiting · 22/01/2022 14:40

Could do with advice please. I've been seeing a man for a few months, we were good friends for about a year beforehand. He's divorced with adult DC, I'm a single parent DC 13 and 10. We don't live near each other, but he works near here and we usually see each other once a week, speak every day.

It's tricky for me to get time as my DC don't see their DF, but we get together in the daytime on my day off (he's self employed so arranges his work round me), or my DM will babysit for an evening sometimes.

We are both very happy, neither have space for anything more full on, it suits us. However, any time we make plans to do more, something always comes up his end. So before xmas I went away on a course and he was meant to come with me - his XP had a nervous breakdown and he was supporting his DC. Okay. He asked me to go away next month but I couldn't get time off work, so we made plans to go away for a few days next week, I've got holiday from work. Now he's saying he can't go, his niece's DH is seriously ill and he needs to support her.

On one hand it feels like he's a nice guy, family is important to him and people lean on him for support. On the other I'm pissed off, it's so hard for me to get away and this is twice he's ducked out due to a family crisis last minute, I feel like I'm only a priority if nothing else is going on. Or is that unfair? I've lost perspective, so advice welcome please.

OP posts:
layladomino · 22/01/2022 15:39

It is possible that he's been very unlucky and had two familty crisis on the trot. These things happen.

It's possible that he gets cold feet and comes up with excuses / lies to cover up.

If you otherwise really like him and he seems a decent sort, then you might want to give it some more time, and see how things go. But in the meantime, prepare yourself for the fact it might not be long term. Don't put your life on hold for him. Plan other stuff that doesn't included him.

Aprilx · 22/01/2022 15:42

You haven’t said anything about how often you do see each other so it is hard to comment. You say he cancels every time but this is just twice? Or are these the only two times you have even had arrangements?

If you have literally never seen him and he keeps cancelling then you might as well call it a day. If he has cancelled twice but you have otherwise seen each other plenty then, well perhaps he is just a very supportive man to his family.

RoyKentsChestHair · 22/01/2022 15:49

His nieces husband?! Sounds like an excuse to me - if I was struggling with something or was ill etc I can’t imagine that my spouses uncle would be the first person I’d turn to in my hour of need!

Wiredforsound · 22/01/2022 15:51

He has someone else on the go. Agree the nieces husband thing is a bit of a stretch unless he raised her or something.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/01/2022 16:07

Agree with the last two posters— that sounds a bit of a stretch!! And probably something you would struggle to check

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 22/01/2022 16:08

From my experience, the repetitive plan-then-cancel people are hiding something.

TooWicked · 22/01/2022 16:12

His niece needs his support… next week?
Confused

Sounds like an excuse to me.

PeskyRooks · 22/01/2022 16:14

He's still married.

RunningInTheWind · 22/01/2022 16:15

Does his wife know they’re divorced?

TheOccupier · 22/01/2022 16:16

Usually the likeliest solution is the correct one. I'd bet you are the OW.

girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 16:19

He needed to support his adult children and now his adult niece?

His children I could maybe understand based on the individual situation but his niece is a clear excuse.

We are both very happy, neither have space for anything more full on, it suits us.
This isn't true though, is it? Happy people don't generally post on anonymous forums.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 22/01/2022 16:19

Married. That’s why he can arrange his work to meet you once a week but can’t do any longer stays. Those excuses are weak.

UserBot999 · 22/01/2022 16:20

@TooWicked

His niece needs his support… next week? Confused

Sounds like an excuse to me.

Yes. My uncles have n3ver supported me through any crises
JSL52 · 22/01/2022 16:21

He's married

Kbyodjs · 22/01/2022 16:21

I’m also thinking he’s still married I’m afraid.

Ninkanink · 22/01/2022 16:22

@RunningInTheWind

Does his wife know they’re divorced?
This.
JSL52 · 22/01/2022 16:22

@Aprilx

You haven’t said anything about how often you do see each other so it is hard to comment. You say he cancels every time but this is just twice? Or are these the only two times you have even had arrangements?

If you have literally never seen him and he keeps cancelling then you might as well call it a day. If he has cancelled twice but you have otherwise seen each other plenty then, well perhaps he is just a very supportive man to his family.

She says she sees him once a week on her day off and her Mum babysits occasionally
Verytiredofwaiting · 22/01/2022 16:29

Yep. Youre mostly saying what I'm thinking but don't want to think. I'm pretty confident re not still married, but otherwise involved is looking more likely than not, isn't it? Shit. I really like him, we get on like a house on fire. Sad Bloody men. Sad

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 22/01/2022 16:29

Sounds a bit fishy. Have have you met his niece? Does she have parents/siblings?

dipdye · 22/01/2022 16:31

He's a bad liar too, niece's husband!

Loopytiles · 22/01/2022 16:32

First time reason sounds reasonable, second one does not!

SunflowerTed · 22/01/2022 17:03

Red flag

Rainbowshine · 22/01/2022 17:03

The second reason is tenuous! He’s probably involved with several women at the same time. Sorry @Verytiredofwaiting I think he’s stringing you along. Even if the reasons are legitimate it doesn’t sound like he sees you and spending time together as very important. Neither is what I would want from any relationship, casual or otherwise.

Ancientdreams · 22/01/2022 17:08

Hmm you only see him in the daytime and he works near you but lives away? All convenient isn’t it plus I don’t believe his excuses to not go away with you for a few days.

Juletide · 22/01/2022 17:10

How were you good friends for a year before dating OP?

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