Something always comes up when we make plans

[Verytiredofwaiting]

Could do with advice please. I've been seeing a man for a few months, we were good friends for about a year beforehand. He's divorced with adult DC, I'm a single parent DC 13 and 10. We don't live near each other, but he works near here and we usually see each other once a week, speak every day.

It's tricky for me to get time as my DC don't see their DF, but we get together in the daytime on my day off (he's self employed so arranges his work round me), or my DM will babysit for an evening sometimes.

We are both very happy, neither have space for anything more full on, it suits us. However, any time we make plans to do more, something always comes up his end. So before xmas I went away on a course and he was meant to come with me - his XP had a nervous breakdown and he was supporting his DC. Okay. He asked me to go away next month but I couldn't get time off work, so we made plans to go away for a few days next week, I've got holiday from work. Now he's saying he can't go, his niece's DH is seriously ill and he needs to support her.

On one hand it feels like he's a nice guy, family is important to him and people lean on him for support. On the other I'm pissed off, it's so hard for me to get away and this is twice he's ducked out due to a family crisis last minute, I feel like I'm only a priority if nothing else is going on. Or is that unfair? I've lost perspective, so advice welcome please.

I met him through work, we got along and got closer over time so I'm fairly confident re him being divorced, living alone. But yes he's definitely got scope to have something else going on, I don't want that to be true but that's why I posted, for outside perspectives.

The niece has one parent living but with terminal cancer, so there is some plausibility in her looking to him instead for support. But it is all a bit... unlikely. Oh god, I'm so annoyed with him. And myself. Fuck!

Once maybe...but the second excuse just does not ring true. Sorry there is something else going on.

Either he is seeing someone else/is still married or he is having cold feet about going away with you.

They just sound like excuses.
Anyway, you say you only feel like a priority when he's got nothing else going on. If that's how you feel and you're not happy about it then dump him and move on.
There's nothing worse than making plans with someone who then cancels at the last minute for spurious excuses leaving you twiddling your thumbs wondering what to do with your free time at short notice. You could have planned something nice with your friends or family but nope, you planned something with you and then didn't go through with it.
I would never put up with anything like that again after bad experiences with my ex. The fact is that, even if the excuses are genuine, you are not a priority and it's always going to be like this. There will always be someone who needs him more than you and while someone caring and concerned about their own family is a good thing, it doesn't mean a partner should be last on the list of priorities all the time. (Appreciate you aren't partners yet but don't fool yourself in to thinking this will be any different even after a couple of years together)

Nieces husband….needs to support his niece…..that’s terrible, my 8 year old could have come up with a more genuine sounding lie than that!

Certainly the thing with the niece sounds a tenuous excuse, unless there are some special circumstances. But if there were, then you'd expect him to have explained them to you.

Does his Facebook say he's single?

Out of interest, have you ever been to his house Op? Or does he just come to yours?

I don't necessarily think it's another woman because a couple of the people I know in real life who "plan and cancel" are not canceling because they are juggling dates - they aspire to want to go out and take trips, make plans, and then cancel due to mental illness, anxiety, fear, depression or addiction.

Unless he raised his niece, that doesn't make sense. He could perfectly go with you and keep in touch with niece by phone if needed. Something doesn't ring true.

Have you met the niece?

@PeskyRooks

He's still married.

Yup.

Either that or he is seeing a few women.

Just reading advice from a relationship coach the other day and said the biggest red flag, the one that should be relationship ending right off the bat is if they can't make time for you. Because, they absolutely could, you just clearly aren't a priority.

The fact is that, even if the excuses are genuine, you are not a priority and it's always going to be like this This hit a nerve. Whatever is going on, this is the bit that I'm not happy with.

I messaged him that I wasn't going to be his back up plan, he messaged back it's not like that at all and wanting to talk. My DC are up so that's not going to happen soon. Wish I had some wine in the house

I'd say you want more than a quick bonk on your day off, him never being available for more than that is a red flag.

The Nieces husband excuse is very poor, I can't believe he'd think you'd fall for that, it's like you put him on the spot and that's the first thing that blurted out.

Could he be married.... ?
He seems to only see you in the week...
have you actually been to his house?