“Right person wrong time” - he means it, what should I do?

[HopesAndDreams12]

Would love to hear some of your guy’s advice on my situation. Me and my very close friend both came out of bad relationships we jumped into about four months ago, he’s (Jordan) 21 and I’m 25.
We have always got on like a complete house on fire and have always been drawn to each other in social settings. When he broke up with his ex he moved close to me and we’d been seeing each other regularly and have come to realise what a mirror image of each other we are.
We both have the same life goals, interests, hobbies, stages in our lives, backgrounds, core values, humour and we find each other very attractive. We both have the same MBTI personality type which hints at why we get on so well.
We started to get very close a month ago and had sex twice. I decided to ask him for a date which he was over the moon about, we were obviously both very feeling it.
However the next day he tells me he still feels rocky from his ex (he had been in non stop abusive relationships since he was 18) and he didn’t feel ready to commit to anything serious whilst feeling rocky and it could damage our strong friendship. He told me I’m the right person it’s just the wrong time which I completely understand from his background. He definitely isn’t sugar coating that I’m not an amazing match for him in any way, if I was in his situation I would need space too. I told him there’s no pressure, I understand and all is good in the world.

Since then we still talk daily, and I went on a blind date a friend set up (I’m not actively searching for dates at the moment I can’t be bothered) and I met someone I like, he’s a bit inexperienced and some have called him boring - there was no huge spark when I met him because he hasn’t got many interests but he seems willing to adopt mine, and his background etc. fits well with mine.

He’s been texting me constantly and is very much interested in me but I find myself being drawn to Jordan every moment of the day, if I had to wait 5 years for jordan I would (obviously no guarantee anything will happen between us). As I’ve known him as a friend and really learnt about him deep down I’ve come to understand him fully and he is the entire full package - apart from the timing

I’ve got a date with the second guy tomorrow and I don’t know what I should do, try settling for someone nice and I like but make myself unavailable to the man of my dreams who blows me away but there’s no guarantee things could work out. Ideally I’d love to give Jordan time to sort himself out but not hurt the feelings of the other guy.

Also thank you for anyones advice, I really appreciate it

I think people get round obstacles like “wrong time” if it’s the right person. It’s just an excuse.

But you’re not really being fair to the other guy. Perhaps go out on one more date and decide if you’re really not interested or not.

Don't hold out for Jordan. If you do, maybe things could work out in 1, 2, 5, 15 years, but they might not. And you'll have wasted years of your life waiting. And in those years you might have met someone better matched to you than Jordan.

When we're first with someone, we look for ways we 'match'. We actively seek them out, and we pounce on them and celebrate them. We look for signs that they are 'the one'. When 2 people do this at the same time it can be the most heady, amazing experience. It isn't real though.

You can be a great 'match' for someone but it still doesn't work out. You can also not be a great match on the face of it, and make a great couple.

So the stuff you feel for Jordan might be real and long lasting. It might not. Even if it's real it doesn't mean it's enough to make a good relationship. You might feel those exact same feelings for someone else in the future. And he might too.

In your shoes I wouldn't rush to find another relationship. If something crops up, great. Don't judeg everyone by Jordan. You risk painting him as some sort of hero that he really isn't. You could overlook someone who would be better for you.

If in time you haven't, and Jordan is still available, and you're still interested, then you might just get back together. Nothing lost.

But don't put your life on hold for someone who isn't sure. If Jordan was certain you were the one for him, he wouldn't have finished things and risked losing you.

Jordan does not want to have a relationship with you. Leave him be.

It doesn't have to be Jordan or the other guy. You could wait to meet somebody else or try being by yourself for a while.

I’m not sure your choice has to be between Jordan and this other guy you’re not really feeling it for?

You’re only 25, you can date plenty of guys of all different ages and find that spark with more people - see what you like in life.

I think 21 is way too young for a guy, especially seeing as you are 25 yourself so will be leaps and bounds ahead of him in terms of maturity.

If you find the new guy boring, no need to waste your time - call it off and get on online dating or whatever and find some more suitable matches for you.

LIVE your life and don’t wait for a man - life has a funny way of working out and if you’re meant to be then you’ll get another chance together down the line.

So - don’t pursue it with new guy as you’re not feeling it & don’t wait for Jordan. Keep dating until you find someone with an immediate spark for you!

At the end of the day, even if you were strategically trying to end up with Jordan, the very best way to achieve that would be to move on and life your life to the fullest, actively date others etc - this way you’ll be an impressive and independent woman who is showing herself to be a high status catch rather than a doormat waiting around.

He's 21. He's been in relationships (abusive or not) since he was 18. He should be going it alone for a while.

If there is serious potential between the two of you, then it can still happen in 5 or 10 years' time when you've both grown up.

As to the second guy, go on a date, have fun, but don't take it further unless you really like him. You are 25, you have twenty years at least before you need to think about "settling".

Not that other guy. You don't like him enough.

It's unusual for a right person wrong time person to ever come around imo, perhaps because if it's the right person it usually becomes the right time in a trice. Maybe you're too available to him as a friend and he can't see that he stands to lose. You will certainly never meet someone else while you're entwined with him.

I think you’ve convinced yourself he means it

Well, Jordan's categorically not interested. 'Right person, wrong time' is the sort of bs line people trot out all the time when they're just not that into you. Galling, but there you have it.

In turn, you're not that interested in the other bloke. So give it all a rest for a bit.

Thank you to all of your comments are pretty much saying the same thing - looks like I needed a bit of a reality check!

Break contact with Jordan. It's not fair of him to keep contacting you when he knows you have feelings for him. As nice as you think he is he's playing games with you. A true friend doesn't do that.

Leave the other guy alone too. Take some time to recover emotionally.

I assume Jordan isn't going to be dating anyone else while he has his time to think??
If he does, you have your answer. If he genuinely stays single and celibate and stays in platonic contact with you and shows he's still interested then you might have a chance but instinct says he'll be dating/shagging while keeping you in the background.

Jordan sounds like a bit of a project, if he has been in abusive relationships he needs help and time, not a partner.

He will have issues, they may not be apparent to you now, but your love won't fix him.
You sound like you might be his rescuer?
Look at 'karpmans drama triangle'.

Jordan is damaged and vulnerable, and that is immediate. The thing that speaks most to me about what you have written.
I'm wondering why that seems like a good prospect for you?
If the sexes were reversed I would be saying "leave her alone, let her get the help she needs, she doesn't need a partner".

Be aware he might be keeping you as a fallback, someone who will be there for him emotionally but he doesn't really want to be with.
A safety net.
This is what I see.

Also op , I can pretty much guarantee that by the time this Jordan character does decide he's 'ready' you'll be too busy living your life to pay attention.

Stop contacting Jordan. You'll not move on otherwise.
The other guy doesn't cut it for you. Pass on this one and let him meet someone who really likes him.
You're very young, there's lots of time to meet someone you really click with.
Don't wait for Jordan.

Having a relationship with your mirror image isn't necessarily a great thing. My husband and I are very different - in careers, in aptitudes and in ways of doing things. I have learnt things from him and vice versa. Our strengths and weaknesses complement each other. We have common values of course and things we both like but people would say we are very dissimilar and we've been together 30 years.

I wouldn't pine for Jordan. In my experience if a man is keen, then he's keen. Also while there is nothing wrong about being the older one, at Jordan's age most young men wouldn't be settling down.

When you get a bit older, you will learn that "right person, wrong time" actually means "wrong person". I'm sure J means it or thinks he does. But the fact is that he just doesn't really want to be with you.

You need to take a long break from him. No talking at all. Date if you like, pursue hobbies, see other friends, but leave him alone. You can't be his friend while you have deeper feelings for him and you can't get over him while you're being his "friend".

He's a 21-year-old bloke who's just come out of a bad relationship and he's not interested in anything serious with you OP. Maybe he will in the future, maybe not, but timing is everything.

I wouldn't be holding out for such a young guy to commit any time soon though. 21 is so young!

As for the 2nd guy, if you're not feeling it, move on. The kind of person who doesn't have any interests of his own and is happy to just adopt yours is not someone you want to be with.

And what @ZoeTheThornyDevil said. You'll never get over him if you keep being friends.

Just be on your own. It's ok to be and more and more women are realising this. And actually liberating not having to dance to anybody else's tune.

Neither of these men are right for you and you are still so young.

In the meantime have fun with your friends hobbies family.

Bottom line: you’re in love with Jordan, but while Jordan likes you a lot and enjoys sex with you, he hasn’t fallen in love with you. And he knows this.

Suggest you move on. If this new guy isn’t doing it for you, then end it. But don’t hang around waiting for Jordan to return your feelings: he’s tried you out (quite thoroughly!) and it wasn’t right for him.

“Right person wrong time” is the absolutely classic way to turn down someone you like and respect, but know you don’t love. If he had fallen head over heels in love with you, he’d want to be with you asap and his past would lose it’s power over him.

Sorry. Stings I know 😥

You are still young - you can just have fun for now. See the second guy - and if it’s not fun, move on to 3rd, 4th and so on.
Jordan is even younger. He is really only one of teenage-hood. He is going to still grow and mature and change.
Don’t create some sort of fantasy of you and him being meant for each other.
Don’t put your life on hold.

In the next 5 years - if you want to have kids - you should potentially meet someone who you’ll settle down with and have kids in your 30s. This is your timing.
Jordan is not in the same timeline - he’ll only be mid-20s by the time you are ready for kids. And he isn’t likely to be ready then.

So if I were you - just date around casually. Jordan and the other guys. See how it all goes.

I don't think he's into you. I don't believe in the right person wrong time thing. If you like someone enough you will be with them. Also I think this could be an age thing. Although it's not much of a gap in the grand scheme of things, most 21 year olds are immature when it comes to relationships.

Drop Jordan from your thoughts -- and think very hard about why you're feeling so attracted to someone who is only 21 and has already had a string of abusive relationships behind him.

there was no huge spark when I met him because he hasn’t got many interests but he seems willing to adopt mine

And ditch Mr No Interests But Will Go Along With Mine, too. Those kinds of person are always a total disaster -- they basically have no personality, and hibernate between relationships, adopt an entirely new borrowed personality, hobbies and friends in each new relationship, and then drop them once it ends.

Again, ask yourself why you're prepared to go on a second date with someone who has no interests -- all my alarm bells on this thread are about you, @HopesAndDreams12 and your behaviour in relationships, not about Jordan or Mr Boring.

It sounds to me as if you should be single for a while and sort yourself out.