“Right person wrong time” - he means it, what should I do?

[HopesAndDreams12]

Would love to hear some of your guy’s advice on my situation. Me and my very close friend both came out of bad relationships we jumped into about four months ago, he’s (Jordan) 21 and I’m 25.
We have always got on like a complete house on fire and have always been drawn to each other in social settings. When he broke up with his ex he moved close to me and we’d been seeing each other regularly and have come to realise what a mirror image of each other we are.
We both have the same life goals, interests, hobbies, stages in our lives, backgrounds, core values, humour and we find each other very attractive. We both have the same MBTI personality type which hints at why we get on so well.
We started to get very close a month ago and had sex twice. I decided to ask him for a date which he was over the moon about, we were obviously both very feeling it.
However the next day he tells me he still feels rocky from his ex (he had been in non stop abusive relationships since he was 18) and he didn’t feel ready to commit to anything serious whilst feeling rocky and it could damage our strong friendship. He told me I’m the right person it’s just the wrong time which I completely understand from his background. He definitely isn’t sugar coating that I’m not an amazing match for him in any way, if I was in his situation I would need space too. I told him there’s no pressure, I understand and all is good in the world.

Since then we still talk daily, and I went on a blind date a friend set up (I’m not actively searching for dates at the moment I can’t be bothered) and I met someone I like, he’s a bit inexperienced and some have called him boring - there was no huge spark when I met him because he hasn’t got many interests but he seems willing to adopt mine, and his background etc. fits well with mine.

He’s been texting me constantly and is very much interested in me but I find myself being drawn to Jordan every moment of the day, if I had to wait 5 years for jordan I would (obviously no guarantee anything will happen between us). As I’ve known him as a friend and really learnt about him deep down I’ve come to understand him fully and he is the entire full package - apart from the timing

I’ve got a date with the second guy tomorrow and I don’t know what I should do, try settling for someone nice and I like but make myself unavailable to the man of my dreams who blows me away but there’s no guarantee things could work out. Ideally I’d love to give Jordan time to sort himself out but not hurt the feelings of the other guy.

I got together with my husband in a 'right person, wrong time' scenario. It was about two seconds after my previous marriage ended and I really wasn't in the right place to be starting anything new, I didn't really have the headspace for it and it could have complicated things for me in the divorce.

The thing is, he was truly the 'right' person and so I couldn't walk away. We muddled through for the first year really, but we were both all in, no question. We have now been married about three times longer than my previous marriage lasted and have three children together.

If it's the right person, you don't walk away from it. You just don't. Sorry but I think it's just a line in your situation.

The good news is you're young and you have plenty of time to meet the right person and hopefully they will feel the same.

yup....no such thing as RPWT and its not either or....FWIW i think that Jordan is being very kind and sensible.

In my experience people say ‘right person wrong time’ when they’re just not that into you. At least not into you enough to commit.

I’ve been in a similar position - wasted a year being told I’m sooo perfect but he couldn’t commit because it was the ‘wrong time’. There was a stage when I genuinely believed him, because all I wanted was for it to work out and I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

Finally came to my senses & ended it - it was only then that I saw everything for what it actually was. If he’d liked me as much as I did him, we’d have been together. As another PP has said, my next relationship really did start at a ‘wrong time’. It really was VERY complex at the start, but we made it work because we really wanted to be together.

If I were you I wouldn’t waste any more of my time!

Thank you all for your comments I am really taking this all in. And it’s been an eye opening experience! It’s nice to have someone’s advice who isn’t a friend who can see things from perspective!

"Right person, wrong time" is just a line. It's a way of letting you down gently.
He's got no intention of starting a relationship with you now or some time in the future.
So hard as it is, you have to put this behind you and move on.

I had a 'right person wrong time' guy in my early 30s. Was he happy to have sex with me? Yes. Did he spam me with his emotional problems 24/7? Hell yes! Did he eventually find 'the one'? Yep. And spoiler alert. It wasn't me. He also tried to contact me when he argued with the one. He has 3 kids with her now and she's totally welcome to him , poor woman.

I wasted 2 years on him.

Don't do what I did.

My first connection with DH was very much a 'right person, wrong time' situation, however I think a relationship can only get that title with the benefit hindsight. At the point where it was the 'wrong time' we got on incredibly well but he was annoyingly flakey and an emotional mess, and I wasn't looking for anything serious. I cut my losses (because he clearly wasn't 'right'), wrote it off, and didn't see him again for nearly 2 years. I had no guarantee at the time that 'flakey' and 'mess' wasn't just his permanent personality, and I certainly wasn't going to waste a load of time and energy on it only to be disappointed.

In your situation OP I'd go on the date. If he's still as dull as dishwater, move on from that too. He needs his own personality surely? You don't just want a lump of playdoh to mould?
As for "Jordan", ditch. If there really is a connection there it will have a funny way of working itself out.

@Honeyroar

I think people get round obstacles like “wrong time” if it’s the right person. It’s just an excuse.

But you’re not really being fair to the other guy. Perhaps go out on one more date and decide if you’re really not interested or not.

It was totally the wrong time for me and an old friend when we found we had feelings for eachother. We have been married 20 years now and have 2DC. You can get round most things if you really want to. Sounds like he doesn’t

Right person wrong time is used by people who are just not into it. I think it is especially mean, as it is keeping you hanging about, helping him with his problems and having sex with him under the promise it might one day be the right time.
It is also very mean of you to keep going out with this other man who you find boring just because he goes along with what you like, I can only guess you are using him to make Jordan jealous, please stop seeing him and let him go out with someone who actually likes him.

@Honeyroar

I think people get round obstacles like “wrong time” if it’s the right person. It’s just an excuse.

But you’re not really being fair to the other guy. Perhaps go out on one more date and decide if you’re really not interested or not.

100% this. For the right person, there is no wrong time. It's just something people say when they're not totally sure about the other person or don't want commitment.

I think he wants to play the field a bit after being in long term relationships.
What will almost certainly happen is in a few years, he’ll meet someone who he wants to stop sleeping around for and settle down with her.
He might really like you, but just not enough to not shag other girls.
Don’t wait around for him. It won’t be you who he settles down for.
Don’t settle for Mr Boring.
You’re 25. There’s absolutely no need to make such huge compromises at this point.

I agree with all the above, simply put if a man wants to be with you, he will. Some men are very good at this

"I'm not ready for a relationship"
"I have a family crisis/ busy at work"
"Right person wrong time"

They're all excuses, designed to keep you hanging on in the background just in case. Walk away from Jordan and Mr Boring and you might meet someone where you are mutually right for each other.

This was me and DH. I was 18 when we met and he was 25. I was about to go to uni, he’d recently finished. We dated for 6 months then went our separate ways. We reconnected a couple of times but finally stuck at it 7 years later. We are now married and have a child. But I believe in moving forward. And we are an exception rather than the rule I think.

That "wrong time" bullshit is just that, bullshit. You need to step way back from Jordan and cut down massively on your contact. I wouldn't bother with the other man, either. He's not the one for you.

What's MBTI?

A second date with someone is not "settling" for them, unless you're meeting them at the alter.

But I agree with everyone else, don't bother with Mr No Interests, you're not feeling it. And that's ok, you shouldn't feel obliged to see him again, just move on. As for Jordan, he's just not that into you. When a man wants to be with you, he will be. Step back, be less available to him. Not in a game playing way but in a watch that protects you emotionally so you are free to get out there and live for yourself.

If he genuinely does need time to work on himself, give him that time, without pressure, but absolutely do not put your life on hold for a "what if".

Don’t wait for Jordan!

For a start, MBTI is mainly pseudo-scientific bollocks so don’t allow that to colour your thinking. Ticking every box still doesn’t mean it will work - sometimes perfect on paper doesn’t cut it in the end and you need some differences to make things interesting and spicy - people don’t usually end up with people who are extremely similar to themselves. Secondly, if he was the right person he’d be the right person and you’d both want to be with each other and the timing would be right because it would be the time you met. I think Jordan really likes you and you get along well, but I think he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you. I think you’re not into the other guy, so I’d leave them both alone.

I am not buying this. He is letting you down gently.

If he felt you were the right person and truly was in love with you, he would want to be with you, no matter what.

The likely explanation is that he likes you as a friend, got closer to you because he wanted a bit of human contact after his break-up but then realised after having sex with you a couple of times that you were not what he wanted/ he was not attracted to you that way.

Don't waste your time waiting for him or jumping into another relationship with someone you don't really like. Take your time to date other people.

Also you are probably better off telling him that you want to cut the friendship for a while. You want more than friendship so it is not possible for you to just jump back into a platonic friendship with him. This will just mean you will keep getting hurt. Protect yourself and distance yourself form him.

Hi all,

Thank you all so much, I see pretty much everything is saying the same thing so I’ve had a second date with mr no interests and it reaffirmed there’s nothing there, talking to him is a bit of a chore so I put him down gently.
I’m going to continue being friends with Jordan but I’ve really come to realise there is no expectations of anything developing back again and that anything romantic is dead. Ultimately I think the issue is with me and that I’m scared of dating, I’ve always had people come into my life instead (mr no interests date was arranged through a friend). That’s the crux of the issue and which needs fixing!
Thank you all though I really appreciated the support of making me not get lost in my own thoughts x

@Wiredforsound I thought it was a form that you give to your employer to request paid maternity leave.

Jordan sounds like he wants it both ways. To have you constantly there to talk to and maybe a shag every now and then but doesn't want to commit. Sorry, he's a fuck boy! Been there, did it for 5 years listening to the same old BS until finally I hit an age and thought what the fuck am I doing! ...6 years on I have no idea what fuck boy is doing and I'm glad of it. He will ruin any potential happy endings for you.