Is my marriage over

[FramptonRose]

We are really struggling at the moment.

Long story short, we have basically overspent for the last two years as we had money coming in but did have debts in the backround. We both kept pushing the debt to the back of our minds thinking we would start paying it off in lump sums when we had another big job come in.
For context my husband runs his own business and even with Covid and before was still doing OK, now it feels like everything has just collapsed around us, he is not getting as much work in etc.
Now the chickens have come home to roost and we owe money everywhere, before anyone gives me a lecture I completely hold my hands up, I normally am so 'head screwed on' with this kind of thing and hate being in debt, but I think we just got to a point where we had a fair bit coming in and I literally lost my way.
I am dealing with the debt side and have made arrangements with everyone to start paying back but we are going to struggle massively!
I feel like such an idiot as I should have seen this coming and it was so out of character for me.

In the midst of all this, DH and I are arguing constantly, he told me this morning that he is not happy and basically said some horrible things to me, now I have to say, he is under huge pressure now (as am I) and I have said horrible things to him in the past so I am not innocent, but this morning, I felt like it wasn't just coming from a place of anger, it was like he truly wasn't happy.

I just don't know what to do now, I feel like we are drowning in debt and stress!

Just to clarify these are business debts not personal ones.

Do you have equity in your home with these recent price rises? If it were me, I’d sell up, clear debt and start again. Obviously won’t work if debt more than equity. You may have to sell up anyway if you split up.

Of course he isn’t happy. His business is in trouble and depts have accumulated. And you are going to be struggling for a whole.
Unless you work as a team - the marriage will be over. Stress and money issues can do it to the strongest of couples.

So - if I were you - I’d just try to be nice to each other and see how things go.

Not really, the issue is, if we sold, we would have to privately rent which would be so so expensive where we live, we would provably be worse off. I don't really want to upheave the kids either (if I can help it)
I am spending the weekend going through every direct debit we have to try and reduce our outgoings.

I am currently trying to cancel something I had booked for the kids in the summer too in the hope I just loose the deposit for that.

I can't believe I have let it get to this, I am so good with not overspending normally and being sensible and it was like all logic went out of the window the past few years!

Thank you MMmomDd

I think the other issue is, we haven't slept in the same bed for a month, I work full time plus we have three kids, he works long hours and doesn't get in until late.
I am asleep by about 9.30 due to pure exhaustion, we are both blaming eachother for a lot!

We have been together since we were kids and I am terrified of our marriage breaking down over our joint stupidity and to be honest greed!
I just feel broken!

Divorce will cost you both more so it is worth pulling together to clear the debt.

Are you responsible for the debt, did you overspend solely? What size debt, to income, do you work? Any assets?

If you are solely responsible apologise sincerely. If you are both equally responsible then hopefully your H is not a weak man and will be able to apologise to you.

Both responsible for the debts, they are all business ones, for a business we both have our names on, if that makes sense.
We had some back dated VAT payments and some other taxes due and stupidly, made some payments off the amount to keep HMRC at bay, with the mindset we would just pay the rest off later when we had some big jobs in but we didn't we just spent.
Always was our intention to pay it off, we fully take responsibility, it was so stupid for us to not just pay it off.

We had a friend suggest we liquidate but I don't want to do that as I am fully aware of the long reaching consequences of that and plus we owe the money, it was our stupidity so we need to pay it off.

I do work but it isn't a high paying job as I took q job to work around the kids so we wouldn't need childcare in the holidays etc.

Is it a limited company or a partnership?
If it's a limited company, have you taken any dividends from the company during this time?
Did you have a bounce back loan?
Have you set up payments plans with HMRC?

Where is your husband in the contingency plan?

I expect all marriages feel the strain when couples are under financial strain, the question is do you pull together or pull apart? I suggest you sort out the business but make no decision regarding the marriage until the business is sorted...

Yes limited company.

My husband pays himself a small wage and takes some profit out the end of the month.

We have set up payments plans with one department but one problem was we were completely misadvised last November by HMRC, we basically were advised to appeal some interest due to see if we could bring our repayments down to an affordable figure, we were assured nothing would be sent over to a debt collection agency, only to discover it was and now we have 2 separate debt collection agencies, plus some additional money due with both of these taxes with the HMRC plus one other tax we have made a payment plan on.

The admin of it alone is an absolute killer, as I am at work during the day plus doing a course my work is paying for, so need to somehow get assignments in and keep on top of everything with the business.

DH wants to pay it all off and fully accepts his part in it, he made mistakes too.
We normally work together with a lot of stuff although admittedly I have always been the sensible one and he has always been the spender but never to the point he has put us in debt.

Once all the payment plans are in place, I know we will start moving forward, I just know we are going to be broke for such a long time now and I just feel so guilty for the impact it will have on the kids!

Thankfully I have just managed to cancel a booking for the summer holiday, lost £40 deposit but it was q stupidly expensive weekend.
Can't face telling the kids yet, I am just going to tell them the company cancelled due to overbooking.

The last thing I want is them stressing about money worries.

I'm not clear how your personal spending has contributed to business debts. Unless you are randomly taking money out of the business account?

Because we were taking profits out when we should have been repaying debts.
I am fully aware this should not have happened, we just kept thinking we would pay off the debts in one lump sum from the next job or the one after that or the one after that.

As I have said, I absolutely hold my hands up, what we did was wrong, stupid and irresponsible!

If there's a way to liquidate assets and pay off the debt surely that's what you are going to have to do? Anything else is just putting your head in the sand.

Pay off the debt and start again with a clean slate.

Very sensible to go through your d/d. Dump everything that does not affect your health or house.
Gym
Magazines
Hobby stuff
Extras on tv plan
Kids clubs (sorry dc, covid related)
Cut up credit cards and delete their auto fill number for payments on pc etc

How are you and dh on shopping and cooking? Do you meal plan or shop in person several times a week or order takeaways? Branded goods or shop own?

You sound determined to get out of this hole and I am convinced you can.

There are no real assets in the company to liquidate if that makes sense, apart from some machinery which wouldn't touch the sides on what we owe.

We are really going to have to pull our socks up on stuff with the kids, I have found I have been sucked into signing them up to everything and feeling like they all need to have tons of activities a week.
I need to stop that!

TV stuff I have cut out a lot now, we have got rid of sky TV and just have the broadband, with Netflix which works out to much cheaper.

I was so good at all this stuff before I just stupidly got carried away, we both did and like I said, the chickens have well and truly come home to roost!

I have been food shopping at Aldi rather than the usual online shop which is saving money and literally going through the freezer and eating our what we have in there rather than buying more.

We have had no take aways etc.

Thankfully my credit card is cleared, his one has run up so I need to get his across to q zero percent, set up q direct debit and we can get that paid off without all the interest.

I know we can work our way out of it just going to be a long haul and hoping we can survive it. DH has taken the kids out this morning to walk the dog, I am hoping he comes back with a clear head or I dont really know what we will do.

Thank you for being so nice, I don't really want to speak to anyone in RL as I don't want to stress our families out and just don't really want friends to know what is going on at this stage although I do have q few extremely close friends I know I can confide in just haven't had a chance to catch up with them.

Do you have an accountant for the business? I strongly suggest that you talk to them about the mess you are in.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I've done stupid stuff financially too (in different ways), and it's such a WHUMP when it hits you. I think the worst thing is the beating yourself up and feeling like an idiot. And this might be what's getting in the way of your relationship with DH, because you both feel stupid and reckless and unreliable, which unsettles everything.

Apart from finding a practical way forward (payment plans, etc), I think it's important to forgive yourself and each other. The past couple of years have been cataclysmic, and it's unsettled us all in different ways. Maybe your efforts to treat the kids to fun activities was your way of compensating to them for a world that seems to have turned sour. Hopefully brighter times are around the next corner for us all.

We have been together since we were kids and I am terrified of our marriage breaking down over our joint stupidity and to be honest greed! I just feel broken!
Aww, this sounds like such a cry from the heart. Have you expressed this to DH?

Everyone makes mistakes. Just focus on how to cut costs now. Leave the shame behind as it will paralyse you. Charity shops for clothes is a great way to save money too. Library for borrowing books instead of buying etc. Think of days out that don’t cost much for the future- take packed lunch so only petrol costs to pay etc..

Hang on a minute.
You have 3 kids and you are working full time.
You are in bed exhausted by 9.30.
The business is run by your husband. You can’t be expected to manage that too. That’s his job. Managing business debts is part of running a business? Why are you shouldering that? It’s not your monkey to manage surely? He’s shifting blame. My husband runs a business and I have zero involvement. I don’t understand why you are involved and why you are posting about these debts. He should be sorting that. Would you be expecting him to sort out any problems or paperwork associated with your full time job?

Maybe this is the time to confide in family and friends and ask for help. That’s what family are for. I know mine would help me out. How much are they chasing you for? How bad is it?

You need proper advice from an accountant and while I appreciate you're trying to cut costs, don't skimp on that. Ask around and go with someone with a good reputation in this area.

Have you talked to HMRC recently? Are you getting everything you're entitled to in regard to benefits? What's your priority here? If it's to save the business that's one thing, if it's to clear your debts and start again that's another. But you need to work out which approach is best for you rather than muddling along trying to do both.

For eg if your DH is in trades, might it be better for him to go and work for someone else, thus generating wages (which will be more than dividends) to start paying the debts off? I don't know the answer to that - that's why you need good advice.