Is my marriage over

[FramptonRose]

We are really struggling at the moment.

Long story short, we have basically overspent for the last two years as we had money coming in but did have debts in the backround. We both kept pushing the debt to the back of our minds thinking we would start paying it off in lump sums when we had another big job come in.
For context my husband runs his own business and even with Covid and before was still doing OK, now it feels like everything has just collapsed around us, he is not getting as much work in etc.
Now the chickens have come home to roost and we owe money everywhere, before anyone gives me a lecture I completely hold my hands up, I normally am so 'head screwed on' with this kind of thing and hate being in debt, but I think we just got to a point where we had a fair bit coming in and I literally lost my way.
I am dealing with the debt side and have made arrangements with everyone to start paying back but we are going to struggle massively!
I feel like such an idiot as I should have seen this coming and it was so out of character for me.

In the midst of all this, DH and I are arguing constantly, he told me this morning that he is not happy and basically said some horrible things to me, now I have to say, he is under huge pressure now (as am I) and I have said horrible things to him in the past so I am not innocent, but this morning, I felt like it wasn't just coming from a place of anger, it was like he truly wasn't happy.

I just don't know what to do now, I feel like we are drowning in debt and stress!

Have you actually been to anyone to advise you about the debt ? Your bank for example ? Could you raise a low interest rate loan on your house to pay off the debts ?

You need to approach from all angles really .

Thank you all, it is so nice to read the replies coming in and being able to just vent .

In reply to the accountant question, we do have one and he is really good, he strongly advised us against shutting the company down due to the long reaching consequences of it but obviously if we get to the point there is no way out than this may be our only option.

We are in good contact with the HMRC, unfortuantly we were completely misadvised by someone there back in November to appeal the amount of interest on the corporation tax due, only to find out the interest was so small it would barely have made a dent in the repayments, in doing all this, the VAT and another tax due passed it over to debt collection agency.
It is just a nightmare.

Although it is my husbands business, we both work on it, me doing the office stuff although he is still heavily involved in that side, plus my name is on the business so if I just left him to it, and it went downhill, it would affect my credit too in the future.

We were both at fault with not dealing with it.

Sorry in relation to mortgaging against the house, we did speak to a broker but ubfortuantly because I do not earn loads and the books for the business are awful, mortgage company wouldn't touch us.

But at this point I am considering a low interest loan if I can get one, just to clear the balance and get us sorted. I think this may be the best option so we don't have to deal with so many different departments with HMRC plus debt collection agencies.

The business does do well generally and would be a shame to close it down now.

Do you think this downturn is a temporary blip? I'm sure you and your husband have looked at ways of boosting the business, but is there anyone else who could also look at that for you? I took my eye off the ball one year and my business really suffered. It's back doing well again, but I did need to work hard to get back there.
Good luck to you both.

@FramptonRose

Sorry in relation to mortgaging against the house, we did speak to a broker but ubfortuantly because I do not earn loads and the books for the business are awful, mortgage company wouldn't touch us.

But at this point I am considering a low interest loan if I can get one, just to clear the balance and get us sorted. I think this may be the best option so we don't have to deal with so many different departments with HMRC plus debt collection agencies.

The business does do well generally and would be a shame to close it down now.

If you could get a low interest loan and consolidate all the debt into one loan it would greatly reduce your admin burden and potentially interest payments also. This would likely also help with the stress.

You say it’s a good business - if you have a strong order book / pipeline it may be worth asking your accountant to prepare a business plan with clear projections to help support a loan application.

Good luck

Firstly dont beat yourself up! Its very hard for everyone right now . Money problems are very difficult ,and can break up many a marriage ! I would be inclined to speak again to your Accountant .They may have some thing else to try . Loans are probably not the best thing right now .Also if you can, do try and keep some activities for DC going .With some good advice you should be able to come through .

you unscrewed your head and made frivilous financial choices that you could have avoided? Did you get off on the exciting risk? Didn't want to be responsible anymore? Do you want sympathy for all that? You could've done something else for the same feeling. Well these are the consequences of your actions. It's harsh I know

If you both could acknowledge each others pain and have a real heart to heart, would that stop you both feeling like you're alone and blaming each other so you can at least face this shoulder to shoulder. That would help with the stress. Promise each other to do your best, admit mistakes have been made and you'll back each other to get out of the mess.
Promise each other no big decisions on the marriage until you're on your feet financially. It would only make things ten times worse anyway. Bit of bearing of the soul can do wonders when you've just been in a vicious circle for so long it's become personal. Remind him what you see him in and tell him you've got into it together you can get out of it together.

Hi OP
Well done for taking control of your debt xx and owning up to it
Other ideas you could consider

• getting a lodger? If you had 3 kids in one room , a lodger could bring in more money
• working evening/ nightshift? With three kids you might be paying for after school club, night pay is quite good in some places and childcare is covered ...
• working Saturdays every so often?

With your current plan,how long will it take you to clear debts? If you have a spreadsheet on the fridge with the numbers it might motivate you :) Good luck OP xx

@Unsure33

Have you actually been to anyone to advise you about the debt ? Your bank for example ? Could you raise a low interest rate loan on your house to pay off the debts ?

You need to approach from all angles really .

Please don't put business debts against your house. This is a very bad idea. Keep your personal finances and property entirely separate from the business finances.

And don't take out a loan in your name to pay the business debts either.

Sorry but I don’t understand why this would mean your marriage is over. In a way, isn’t this just the start of it? We marry into these intense monogamous lifelong partnerships precisely so that we have someone who will always support us.

Thank you to everyone for your supportive messages and wonderful advice. I really needed it yesterday and all your messages really did get me through the day.

Dh and I sat up until the early hours once DC were in bed just talking through everything and we were just really honest with eachother.
We have made some financial plans, confirmed Direct debit we are cancelling and basically made some firm.plans for the future.

Yesterday was such an eye opener and I don't think we both realised just quite how much of a mess we had gotten ourselves into.

Well done both of you. I hope everything works out.

Go get listening to Dave Ramsey, I don't agree with 100 percent what he says but he's helped.literally millions of people in your position turn it all around. He has your tube videos and best to read his book the main one he has a few.

I'm none religious and he does mention god quite a bit but the messaging on how to tackle this stuff is decent. Helped me!

Anyway I don't think it's the end you guys just need to get in a plan together and it will be a rough few years BUT then you will have decadea of looking back together seeing what you overcame together. If you can get ok same page x
Good luck, I've been in some serious finical mess before and it can be terrifying, but it won't always be like this

Could your DH get a job ? Even a part time one in conjunction with the business would bring some much needed extra income in. At the minute it seems like too much is sitting with you - working, managing the company finances and doing the majority of the childcare.

Great news op. That's such a positive step. So much easier to face things like this if you feel you have each others back. Keep it up. Well done. 👌

Thank you.

Will def look at Dave Ramsey, thank you for the tip.

Unfortuantly DH works incredibly long hours, and he has certain contracts he is on call for, so having a second job along side it wouldn't really work.
The business does do well, which is why we don't really want to give it up. It was our pure stupidity of overspending and taking too much in profits when we owed money.
Tbh I actually feel slightly relieved to be going back to being sensible wife and mum and really thinking before spending.
We both agreed yesterday that for all the spending we did, it hasn't made either of us any happier and now just added a world of stress on to us to try and pay it off.

No advice as such OP, but just wanted to say I really feel for you. People don't always accept that they have been foolish even to themselves, let alone others, but you have been very frank about the part you played in your situation, and I really admire that. You are not the first, and won't be the last to experience this type of crisis, and I think it is very easy for others to pass judgement. You sound like a lovely, hardworking person, and with the benefit of hindsight you can see where things went wrong and this will make you wiser in the future. You come across as clear-sighted now, and determined, and I have every confidence that you will succeed. I echo other posters' comments about pulling together as a team with your partner, and it sounds as if last night's talk was a good start. I wish you both lots of luck and hope for the future.

It can be easy to bury our head in the sand and not to keep a tight rein of our spending. You're in a pickle right now but at least you are now addressing it and taking action to try to get straight again. The road ahead isn't going to be an easy one but if you work together to find a way out of it then you will eventually come out the other side in a much stronger position. Keep the doors of communication open and try not to beat yourselves..or each other...up.

I'm so pleased for you, OP. You sound like you've pulled together as a team. Being frugal has its own satisfactions. Good luck!

Weve been in this position OP with a business just over a decade ago— — not because of massive overspending , but because someone who owed us 30k didn’t pay up- they went out of business and also had a lot of our stock . It meant a normally healthyish business - suddenly wasnt— we didn’t own a house either. We took advice and based on this here are my comments. ‘If’ you don’t particularly need the name of that company as part of your business or identity and are likely to be able to continue without it —then liquidate it - if it’s mainly VAT or tax that’s due. If it’s also suppliers to your business that you owe and would need going forward then You have to decide whether to try and get through this patch or liquidate anyway , but if so call to explain the situation— and don’t run up any further debt with them. Initially I refused to do this but then a very matter of fact specialist talked it through and explained that’s what happened all the time and if setting up something new make sure your holding company name bears no relation to a name you operate under— do not tie any funding to your business secured on your house- unless it’s a straight forward remortgage - and you can pay it. I know some mumsnetters will be horrified but learn from this experience — I think the last few years have been incredibly unreal for many and lots of people have done all kinds of stuff they would normally not do— drank too much, eaten too much , spent too much on stuff to make life more pleasant. The worst part is acknowledging the issue and talking it through— how you can build it back up, how you can cut unnecessary expenses, but it’s less insurmountable if you both know and acknowledge there is an issue. In so many cases one person tries to hide the fact out of embarrassment. Don’t take any notice of people saying how can you get into this pickle— it’s very easy to do and a lot easier for 9 to 5ers who have never run a business and all that entails including erratic income patterns etc.

Thank you so so much all for your encouraging messages. I literally fell apart yesterday and there was just so much on my mind. Being able to read the messages actually got me through and made me realise I am not the first and won't be the last.

@crikeyalmighty
Out of interest, didn't liquidating screw your credit rating, that was our main concern.
Tbh, we would like to keep the company and try and get the debt paid off considering we bought it on ourselves but just interested to hear of your experience with liquidating in case we do end up in that situation, if you don't mind of course.

No it doesn’t reflect on your personal credit ratings—It’s a company name you are liquidating. That’s why people have limited companies as companies can go wrong for all kinds of reasons. If anyone Google’s you they would be able to see you have liquidated a company - but if it’s purely that you didn’t want it showing up on a credit check- it isn’t there