This is going to be long and result in me getting a pasting from other posters, I know that and I accept it’s probably what I need.
I’ve become acutely aware that the person I am today, is not who I ever thought I would or wanted to be. I can see how I got here, I can see the flaws in my own personality which have allowed me to become this person but I don’t know if I can or will make the changes I need to turn this around.
Brief life story, not a great childhood by any means. Abusive, violent father. Mother who was very beat down by life and didn’t have any other options but to stay. Never really felt I fitted in anywhere I was always aware I was acting as someone else to fit in with friends and be liked.
Met 1st boyfriend as a young teen, hopelessly fell for him and my whole identity became his life. His friends were my friends, his interests were my interests. My life was his life. Fast forward 15 years and we are married and have 3 children together. No real friends of my own, no contact with family, no career or interests. No idea who I even was. Then I discover his affair. My world fell apart overnight.
I had no money, 3 children, no career, no family, my mental health was in the toilet.
I eventually picked myself back up again and started a college course. I was doing well until I met man 2. As soon as he showed some interest in me I gave up everything I had gained and did the same thing as I did before. I had another child with him; left my college course and made myself vulnerable all over again. He left when the baby was small and I’ve (we’ve) never seen him again.
This time around I went and found a little job. And this is possibly the only thing I am proud of other than my children but I bloody grafted like you wouldn’t believe, I worked my way up the ranks and raised 4 children at the same time. No help from anyone, never even borrowed a fiver. Still had no money to speak of but I was respected. Man 3 comes along. 20 red flags but I ignore all of them and let him into my life. That lasts a year and then he leaves. No hard feelings and we are still friends, but I was aware the whole time we were together that I didn’t love him I just desperately needed ‘someone’ to love me. I was lonely and accepted a man that I didn’t even really love just to have “something”. We split up and he is now seeing someone else. I felt and do feel like “I couldn’t even keep a man I didn’t want”.
That one more than anything knocked me for six because I felt like there must be really something wrong with me if even a man who most women would run from I couldn’t keep.
Now man 4. He’s married. He has children. We’ve been together for a year. I say together when what I really mean is I accept the time he has spare for me. I’m doing the same awful thing another woman did to me. I’m that horrible awful selfish woman breaking up a family. He’s tried to talk to me a number of times about leaving his wife and it terrifies me. Because if he leaves then he’ll see the real me which he doesn’t have to see at the moment. He only sees the ok happy confident me. Not the messed up, shambles of a life me. His family will be torn apart for nothing. I don’t know why I’m accepting this half love from someone who can’t love me properly. I don’t know why I’m carrying on with this. Other than being on my own again is terrifying. He’s gone away with his wife for 2 weeks and I’m just in a state of complete breakdown over what my life has become, who I have become.
Please, what do I do here.