I don’t know how I got so far away from the person I was supposed to be, ashamed of my life

[Thefallow]

This is going to be long and result in me getting a pasting from other posters, I know that and I accept it’s probably what I need.

I’ve become acutely aware that the person I am today, is not who I ever thought I would or wanted to be. I can see how I got here, I can see the flaws in my own personality which have allowed me to become this person but I don’t know if I can or will make the changes I need to turn this around.

Brief life story, not a great childhood by any means. Abusive, violent father. Mother who was very beat down by life and didn’t have any other options but to stay. Never really felt I fitted in anywhere I was always aware I was acting as someone else to fit in with friends and be liked.

Met 1st boyfriend as a young teen, hopelessly fell for him and my whole identity became his life. His friends were my friends, his interests were my interests. My life was his life. Fast forward 15 years and we are married and have 3 children together. No real friends of my own, no contact with family, no career or interests. No idea who I even was. Then I discover his affair. My world fell apart overnight.

I had no money, 3 children, no career, no family, my mental health was in the toilet.

I eventually picked myself back up again and started a college course. I was doing well until I met man 2. As soon as he showed some interest in me I gave up everything I had gained and did the same thing as I did before. I had another child with him; left my college course and made myself vulnerable all over again. He left when the baby was small and I’ve (we’ve) never seen him again.

This time around I went and found a little job. And this is possibly the only thing I am proud of other than my children but I bloody grafted like you wouldn’t believe, I worked my way up the ranks and raised 4 children at the same time. No help from anyone, never even borrowed a fiver. Still had no money to speak of but I was respected. Man 3 comes along. 20 red flags but I ignore all of them and let him into my life. That lasts a year and then he leaves. No hard feelings and we are still friends, but I was aware the whole time we were together that I didn’t love him I just desperately needed ‘someone’ to love me. I was lonely and accepted a man that I didn’t even really love just to have “something”. We split up and he is now seeing someone else. I felt and do feel like “I couldn’t even keep a man I didn’t want”.

That one more than anything knocked me for six because I felt like there must be really something wrong with me if even a man who most women would run from I couldn’t keep.

Now man 4. He’s married. He has children. We’ve been together for a year. I say together when what I really mean is I accept the time he has spare for me. I’m doing the same awful thing another woman did to me. I’m that horrible awful selfish woman breaking up a family. He’s tried to talk to me a number of times about leaving his wife and it terrifies me. Because if he leaves then he’ll see the real me which he doesn’t have to see at the moment. He only sees the ok happy confident me. Not the messed up, shambles of a life me. His family will be torn apart for nothing. I don’t know why I’m accepting this half love from someone who can’t love me properly. I don’t know why I’m carrying on with this. Other than being on my own again is terrifying. He’s gone away with his wife for 2 weeks and I’m just in a state of complete breakdown over what my life has become, who I have become.

Please, what do I do here.

When you don’t know what to do, just focus on the very first thing you know is right and that is ending this relationship. You have to, it’s wrong and you know it.

Just do that one thing and you will be off on the right path then.

OP, have you considered therapy - something like EMDR? I had an abusive childhood too. It does a massive number on you, and I found EMDR therapy way more helpful than normal psychotherapy.

You might also find this YouTube channel helpful - the crappy childhood fairy

The only thing you should be ashamed of is your current relationship. It sounds like you have been incredibly strong, and overcome some massive hurdles, to do well in work and bring up your DC alone. Don't dismiss your achievements. You are clearly stronger than you think you are. Now you just need to do some work on your need for a man, and hopefully in a few months/years you will be proud of where you are in life.

I had a rubbish childhood. I made a mess of my life. Took years for me to realise I suffered from Child Emotional Neglect. Suddenly everything made sense. I would suggest you STOP and take time to get to know yourself and work on yourself. You do have strength and courage. Two books I highly recommend are Overcoming Chilhood Trauma by Helen Kennerley and The Self Love Journal by Leslie Marchand both available on amazon. I found them very helpful. I am a recovering Alcoholic, was in Psychiatric care now I am living my best life. PM me if you want to chat.

You sound incredibly strong, please dont beat yourself up.Really life is so random ,no one ever really knows how it will pan out! ATM get rid of the married man .He is away for 2 weeks with his wife .Use this time to contact a few friends , see if you can get counselling a session .(or at least one lined up) You had a difficult childhood ,and its easy to see how you would be vulnerable to unsuitable men that come along! Truth is while no one actually needs a man to be happy ,we are all conditioned to be "paired off" with the right man ,when this doesnt work out ,we feel we need the next one and so on . Take a bit of time to spend with your DC ,do things you want to do .Live life to the full !

OP I feel for you so much. We don't just wake up one morning with the intention of getting involved with a married man....sometimes things happen when we are vulnerable.

When you have feelings and crave that person it is so very difficult to stop. I cannot offer any useful advice as I myself have no idea how to stop but 100% I know I need to.

Wishing you well and I hope things work out for you 💐

OP, there is a book called How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera. It is really good, very accessible, and will teach you many of the same skills you would learn with a good councillor / therapist. I strongly recommend you check it out. She is also on Insta as The Holistic Psychologist - if you want a taster of what she’s about. I think you would find it really helpful in understanding yourself better and learning to forgive yourself and process your experiences.

Call the NHS and ask for therapy. Explain your situation. Single mum. 4 kids. History of abuse as a child. I did this over lockdown when I lost my job. I got 4 free 1 hour long sessions and only waited about 3 or 4 weeks. It was worth jt. She was able to point me to books and other resources so I could continue to help myself and she got me through absolute rock bottom

Cant you see his wife is you at the beginning of this story?

It sounds like you are a capable strong woman in big parts of your life. I bet you don't put up with any crap at work or when it comes to your kids. You need to figure out a way of applying the confidence you have in work/parenting to your relationships aswell. A therapist could help

Stop fucking up your life for a man! Get therapy and end this relationship.

I mean let’s say as a child doing everything to please a man stopped you getting hit and protected you. Maybe you weren’t allowed your own personality. So, at one point this behaviour kept you safe. But now as an adult you have kids who need you. It’s really hard when your natural instinct is to do a certain thing. It takes relearning not to. But you can do it.

Stop defining your success based on men. You have so much more important things going on than whether you have a guy or not. Hold out for a guy you really want (not taking one you don't even want!) or chill out and date casually if you want the company/sex but don't put so much value on it.

Good luck!

Forgive yourself firstly op. So many people failed you in the most formative years of your life. You were bound to figure out life in the hardest way, given you didn't have support and good role models. You are now at a very insightful stage and taking a step back and wanting to change something. Counselling would be a good start. And you are amazing for raising 4 kids alone! Wishing you the best.

Sounds like you function better without a man in your life - even though you only see yourself having value when you have the attention of a man.

You do have value as an individual human - all by yourself - even if no man is validating your existence. You still exist and have value.

Please don’t accept anything or ask for anything from this man. It’s a long wait but go for NHS counselling if you have to. In the meantime, use Google and YouTube to find podcasts and videos of brilliant therapy advice for free.
I repeat, don’t contact him again for anything. If you do, you’ll use it as an excuse to keep in contact or feel like you ‘owe’ him something. However you genuinely feel/ think you feel about him, he’s a crutch in your life so that you can avoid dealing with the bigger issue here. No man is always better than any man.
Some affairs are the real deal, but those are very rare. Most are to do with using the excitement/ fantasy/ fun to avoid dealing with the real life issues at hand. Discovery/ reality usually bursts the bubble and gives everyone more issues than National bloody Geographic, never mind the issues that were already there when the affair started.
You need to choose. It’s all or nothing with him. Any kind of contact will leave you vulnerable to getting hoovered up again if and after you decide to get away, or always leave you wondering ‘what if...’.
If you still need to kid yourself that you’re only using him to pay for the counselling, if that’s what you decide to do, you’re not ready to ditch him and are in total denial about the pain this is probably causing you underneath the good times, and the enormous pain that you are helping him to eventually inflict on his wife.

You can do way better than this OP if only you would concentrate on yourself first, and divert the time and energy you put into him, into your own mental well-being. Some women (not all, but some) think the attention they get from another woman’s partner means they are ‘preferred’ or ‘winning’ or ‘better’ in some way and so affair relationships feed an already hungry self-esteem much more than a relationship started in ‘normal’ circumstances. The secrecy, drama etc also fans the flames.
If you have had relationships with a series of attached men, ask yourself why you are repeating the destructive pattern.
Does your self-esteem need a boost, do you like feeling ‘preferred’?
Do you subconsciously set yourself up for failure (self-sabotage)?
Do you fear commitment (easy to pretend to myself I want him in real life but actually I don’t have to do anything about it) ?
Do you fear rejection from partners in real life (in real life they’ll see who I really am and won’t like me. If it’s not a real relationship it won’t be a real rejection, when he ends it because he’s bored with me I can dress it up as a noble act ‘for the children’ etc and not feel so bad about myself or have to admit I got played)?
Do you get off on doing stuff you know is wrong for the thrill of being ‘naughty’, even though you know it will hurt you in the end?

Or (and this one is usually the biggie with repeated destructive behaviour)
Do you not think deep down that you deserve any better?

Whatever happened in your past, whatever bad choices you’ve made recently, you actually do deserve better. Make it happen. I truly believe you can.

Well obviously the first thing you need to do is stop seeing the married man. Even if you did want a real relationship with him, the fact that he's prepared to have one with you (knowing you need therapy), says a lot about him, and not positive. Not to mention the affair, he'd likely do that to you down the road as well.

That lasts a year and then he leaves. No hard feelings and we are still friends, but I was aware the whole time we were together that I didn’t love him I just desperately needed ‘someone’ to love me. I was lonely and accepted a man that I didn’t even really love just to have “something”. We split up and he is now seeing someone else. I felt and do feel like “I couldn’t even keep a man I didn’t want”.

That one more than anything knocked me for six because I felt like there must be really something wrong with me if even a man who most women would run from I couldn’t keep.

You need to stop thinking/looking at it like that. He probably left you because you didn't love him - who'd want to be with a partner that didn't love them back? If you had fallen for him, then perhaps the relationship would've continued (although given the way you describe him it's possibly better for you that it didn't).

Stop putting your life at the mercy of men. Stop and be on your own and ditch the MM. You're obviously not early 20s if you have four kids but you come across as very naive and vulnerable. Take control of your life as a single person because quite frankly you're doing no one any favours with how you're acting now. You say kids haven't met MM etc... but I guarantee this revolving door of men is affecting them negatively even if they haven't met them.

@donesomethingterrible

OP I feel for you so much. We don't just wake up one morning with the intention of getting involved with a married man....sometimes things happen when we are vulnerable.

When you have feelings and crave that person it is so very difficult to stop. I cannot offer any useful advice as I myself have no idea how to stop but 100% I know I need to.

Wishing you well and I hope things work out for you 💐

Things don’t just happen. You make a series of choices. You feeling “vulnerable” is absolutely no reason for participating in the emotional abuse of another woman and maybe children. Stop making excuses.

@AllGoodPoints point taken, but things aren't always black and white. When something is rekindled from the past and you're in a terrible place things do sometimes happen when you never saw it coming.

6 months ago I would have 100% agreed with you - people having extra marital affairs disgusted me.

Hi OP, I feel for you. Our stories have many similarities.
I have found some answers and strength (and self acceptance) in facing my childhood abuse and seeing how it made me respond and behave as an adult.
You would not want the MM to leave as you don't know if it is love. It's almost as if you are somewhat disassociated from the woman and the children you're hurting. You know they're more important than the half relationship their husband and father has deigned to allow you.

Therapy wouldn't feel right paid for by his kid's holiday money.

He's just another selfish abusive man. You don't need him. And you sound like someone who knows what's the right thing.

I think your post here is the start for you in this, latest bit of your development and recovery from your father's abuse and your mother's neglect.
And that the first part is for you to get free of this emotional trap of him.
Thinking about his behaviour must give you the ick so end it and block. Focus on YOU.

I know that waits are very very long and private treatment very very expensive.

You can start self guided though.
I recommend:
Running on Empty by Jonice Webb
Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
The Holistic Psychologist on FB as a pp said
The work of Gabor Mate is interesting too.
You have insight and strength already.
Take care

[quote donesomethingterrible]@AllGoodPoints point taken, but things aren't always black and white. When something is rekindled from the past and you're in a terrible place things do sometimes happen when you never saw it coming.

6 months ago I would have 100% agreed with you - people having extra marital affairs disgusted me. [/quote]
Have you looked at developing your sense of agency? That would help you make better choices. Things really don’t just happen.
Sorry for whatever is going on that is so terrible in your life, but hurting others is really not going to make you feel better. Especially if your morals are telling you that your behaviour is disgusting.

www.mindful.org/seven-ways-to-develop-personal-agency/

I’m sorry to keep coming back to this sporadically, it is a lot to take in and work through. My childhood to me at the time was normal, I realised we weren’t like other families when I was a teenager but I’ve never really thought all that much about it since I’ve been an adult. I was very strict that I wouldn’t have my children growing up in a situation where they had to listen to parents fighting and arguing all the time and when I left my husband after his affair this is mostly the reason why, I knew I didn’t want them growing up around that resentment and unhappiness. Other than man 2 my children have never met any man I’ve seen (3 and 4) and I don’t plan on ever introducing them to any men in the future.

I’ve been thinking about MM and his wife and children. I don’t have any excuses here. 10 years ago I would have been as militant as any of you. I remember thinking how could another woman do that, why doesn’t she have any morals, how does she sleep at night. The truth is that it doesn’t work like that. I don’t think women (well myself anyway) really sit there and think about the wife as someone they are doing something to. I would hate to hurt anyone, it really isn’t who I am. In part I suppose that I don’t think she will find out. In another way I think that he has made this choice with intimate knowledge of their life together. I don’t know anything about his wife, I don’t ask about her, we don’t talk about her, I certainly don’t think I’m “winning” anything against her. We both play different roles, she’s the mother of his children and his life partner. What we have is very superficial, on the surface and non-committal. The money is an issue. We are worlds apart when it comes to finances, he is wealthy, I am certainly not. In him paying for my therapy I wouldn’t be taking money from his family, from what I know of his wife she is wealthy in her own right. He tells me all the time he just wants me to be happy, if that means therapy and then I leave him then so be it. If I meet someone else and I’m happy then that’s all he wants for me. I don’t know the whole thing is messed up.

I have ordered some of the books mentioned above and haven’t responded to any messages for 16hrs from MM. Small steps