I've just lost it.... support needed.

[starynight63]

As the title says, I've just lost it completely 😫

A little back story, 2.5 years ago we lost our DD shortly after birth, 1 yr ago we had second child. 6 months later DP walked out and later found out he had been having affair. Since finding out he wanted to sort things out, I had no backbone or strength and so desperately wanted my family back together and carried on. Since then he's been nothing but hurtful, emotionally abusive, financially abusive (I'm a SAHM)
Lately his drinking has been excessive again, he's started smoking again which he knows I don't allow near DC which means come the evening he doesn't help with bedtimes or night wakings (which are every few hours)
Tonight I'd had enough of it and told him to stop smoking and get showered so he could help with childcare to which he said no I had to do it. So I told him to go, if he wasn't going to stop smoking to look after his child then he could go. I've finally had enough, I shouted, I cried, I smashed a plate in the sink I was so mad. I never get mad like that, I feel like it's all coming out.
I've allowed myself to be treated like a doormat, I know I have, and I have such little self worth I'd probably do it again. But my poor little baby deserves more, I'd go to the end of the earth to protect her.
Please stop me from going back, have I made a mistake? I can't stop crying I just don't know how my world can get any worse :(

Better alone than miserably accompanied. Use that adrenaline to research the support available to you
entitledto.com explains benefits for lone parent.
Women's Aid will hold your hand - financial abuse and emotional abuse are both examples of domestic abuse. I'm sorry for your loss of your baby. He took advantage of your vulnerability

You say ‘lost it’.

I’d say you (finally) drew your line.
You said if you want to be on this side , with me, you need to do some things for me to be happier.

He said no.

This is just the start of a better life for you and DC.

I know you feel terrible now, but this is an amazing thing you've done. You've drawn your line in the sand. Many people don't get that far - really well done xx

You stood up for yourself and finally reacted like you should have. You and your baby deserve to be able to focus on just each other and not have a nasty puppet master ruin your lives a moment longer.

I don’t think you lost it
I think you found it

Your self respect
Your need to prioritise your daughter
Your righteous anger
Your strength
Your pride
Your motherly instinct to protect

Well done. Remember that energy you felt when you smashed that plate? Now channel that into construction rather than destructing - and go build a better life for you and your daughter.

You can 100000000% do it.

Exactly as @tanstaafl said.

You reached your limit.

Good for you op. After everything you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy. He’s causing you heartache.

Well done you’ve done the biggest thing now you’ll get there and get help. Hugs handhold as wel.

Not proud but I once hurled a plate of roast dinner at dh.
Now exh.
Tbf his dm had made it and the floor was the best place for it!
Tonight is the turning point in your future op.
Grab it.
Change it.
Then live it.

After what you have been through you didn’t lose it.
You’ve been exceptionally strong and keep that going forward, keep him out of your life forever ❤️

You amazing woman, well done. You have found your strength now and I know it’s scary but you’ve done the hardest bit. I am so sorry about your DD x

I know the feeling hun. My so called partner walked out last Saturday after I questioned where he was the night before till 3.30am (apparently on the sofa utter bullshit)
After 11 years I miss him so much and cry about it but I've needed more from Jim for years so I don't understand why I'm crying, he had time to change and chose not too.
I mean I'm not asking for much when I ask him to say he's going out and not just disappear for hours at a time ffs

You have definitely found it and not lost it! When my exH refused to listen when I'd said for over a year that it was over (we had two toddlers), I had a spontaneous 'Greek' evening. I was washing up and he was going on and on again, just standing there with a beer in his hand, so I threw every plate, glass, knife, fork and saucepan on the tiled kitchen floor whilst screaming.

I left him to clear up. About the only thing he did.

He moved out a couple of days later.

20yrs on and I still give myself a little pat on the back for my once in a lifetime moment of assertiveness.

Well done OP! I am also patting you on the back. Stay strong!

Well done.
Time to plan finances, job, child care and future
It won’t seem so daunting if you have plans

Well done and welcome to the rest of your life without this dickhead pushing you down all the time.

Well done OP, that anger you felt was you finally acknowledging that the way he treats you and DC is not acceptable. You can hold your head up and be proud. You tried everything to make your marriage work, you forgave him and tried to works on things. In return he put cigarettes before his own child. Your child is very lucky to have you as their mother.

You didn’t lose it, you stood up for yourself and your child. That’s the action of a strong woman who has had enough.

I was already a tearful mess, but your kind & empowering words have just brought more tears. I wish I knew such kind people in real life. I really hope this is the start of a new life for us, I'm so worn down and I'm only 28.. If anyone has any positive stories to tell of life after they hit rock bottom I'd love to hear them. Xxx

@FloatyBoaty

I don’t think you lost it I think you found it

Your self respect
Your need to prioritise your daughter
Your righteous anger
Your strength
Your pride
Your motherly instinct to protect

Well done. Remember that energy you felt when you smashed that plate? Now channel that into construction rather than destructing - and go build a better life for you and your daughter.

You can 100000000% do it.

This means a lot... all those things I lost a long time ago and I hope I have started to find them again. Thank you for your kind words x

@Weenurse

Well done. Time to plan finances, job, child care and future It won’t seem so daunting if you have plans

I've just grabbed a note book & started writing.. planning, I need to keep this mindset. Thank you x

I can't relate to being a mother or a female. But I am a human being.
A better life awaits you without this man. It won't be easy at first but you'll look back in a couple of years and thank god you did it.
Good luck and be strong. You will survive this.

Ooooh lady, you have not lost it! This is the start of a new, happier life for you and your baby.

You’re 28, still so young. Don’t stay with this waste of space, you are incredible and deserve so much more. If you let him back in your blocking all the good stuff that is making it’s way to you, don’t do that to yourself.

It’s hard now, but it’s harder being with him. You’ve got this, I promise x

You can fucking do it op! You are worth so much more ! 💜

You can’t tell someone to stop smoking they’re an adult who gets to make their own decisions.

However I actually don’t think this is anything to do with smoking - I think you’ve realised you’ve made a mistake taking him back so quickly and he now knows you don’t care what he does as you’ll end up taking him back.

You’ve already given him an ultimatum - he either quits smoking or you’ll end the relationship - you can’t go back on it now you’ve said it. Give yourself a week and if he’s made no effort then leave.

Op firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a loss no parent should ever go through. You're stronger than you know. Its you and dd from now on and you have 100 percent done the right thing, good for you! Now syay strong for you both and look forward to your future

you are only human op you have feelings and a breaking point . glad you seen sense you and your daughter deserve better xx