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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had massive row after a lovely christmas

60 replies

GettingIt · 28/12/2007 00:04

Me and DH have had a huge row over his kids. Basically they dont send thank you notes to people after christmas and I think they should. My kids do.

So I told them to start writing them, they refused and said it was geeky and they've never had to before I got cross at them and said I'd be disapointed in them if they didnt.

I left them to it expecting them to get it done and returned to find them playing on the xbox . I took the xbox off them until they'd wrote them and DH said I was being unfair and he'd told them they didnt need to bother . I was so angry with him. I insisted that they write thank you notes whether they wanted to or not and they started shouting stuff at me and DH just said "calm down" to them and I heard him say to them "ill talk to her" in a patronising way about me.

Anyway I was supposed to be taking all the kids to the cinema tonight so he could get some work done but I refused to take his kids until they'd wrote the thankyou notes. DH said I was being ridiculous and they wasnt going to write them so I took my own kids to the cinema only expecting the notes to be written for when I got back and they'd STILL not done them .

Anyway we'd arranged to have a take-away as a treat tonight and I have them until 9pm to get the notes done or no take-away, they didnt do them so I didnt get them a take-away and DH took them out himself and bought them one to completely undermine me.

So we've had a massive row straight after christmas when it had all gone so well up to now

OP posts:

moondog · 28/12/2007 00:05

How old are they?
Are you new on the scene?
it seems a bit much for you to be throwing your weight around like this.

Scramble · 28/12/2007 00:06

Difficult but you are both using the kids now to prove a point to each other.

JingleyJen · 28/12/2007 00:07

Oh Dear - blending of families can be so hard. I am very much of the letter writing persuasion - however - to me this is more about your Dh not backing you up and undermining you.

Can't offer practical help sorry - I know lots of people don't write thankyou notes any more and I am determined that even though it will be a chore for them my children WILL.

Good luck!

Original poster

GettingIt · 28/12/2007 00:07

they're 9 and 11. We've been married for around a year but surely all kids should be treat the same and if my kids do thank you notes why shouldnt they?

OP posts:

moondog · 28/12/2007 00:08

Let them be and let them live with the consequences of their behaviour too.

ChorusLineMistletoeAndWine · 28/12/2007 00:09

I suppose he could say well my kids don't so why should we have to do what you do - not that I agree with that as I'm into thank you cards in a big way

Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:10

I had a bit of a tiff with my BF over this. She told me not to bother a few years ago. Maybe it's guilt because she doesn't see the need and was quite offended as she has never done it. But I really want my kids to say thank you for any gift they get. I stopped but once they could write their names I began again.

I don't care if I get one or not, but it's lovely when I do.

However, my BF still doesn't believe in them, so it's perhaps not something you should force another child to do if they haven't been asked to before. You are laying your parenting choices on them which is not really right, looking at it from where I am.

MotherFunk · 28/12/2007 00:10

Message withdrawn

Scramble · 28/12/2007 00:11

You could reverse it and say they never write notes so why should yours.

Fair enough you thought they should ddo them.

Fair enough he wasn't backing you up.

But I think you have to be very careful about involving the kids in what has now become an argument between you and DH, noone will win in this.

madamez · 28/12/2007 00:13

Sorry but I think you are being a bit of a bully here. Had you had any prior discussion with either your DH or his children about writing of thank you letters? Because if not, then you really are being unreasonable to think you can just order people to do stuff that they are not used to doing, did not expect to do, and make them obey you. Sounds like you and your DH need to have a thorough discussion about discipline, childrearing etc and work out a strategy that suits you both so you can present a reasonably united front to all the DC in the future - but your post does imply that you just told your SC what to do then started chucking punishments at them, without consulting their father - no wonder they are all a bit pissed off with you.

Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:14

Yes, sorry, I should add that whilst I think it's fine that you are doing your thing with your children. This is quite personal and if I wasn't into them (I am) and another person tried to force the issue I would be very annoyed.

mysonsmummy · 28/12/2007 00:15

to answer your question 'if my kids do thank you notes why should'nt they'? - because they are not your kids. if their mum hasnt made them do it in the past i think you should have thought a bit more before making a big issue about it.

they are very aware now how easy it is to divide you both.

Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:16

Moondog

Madamez

You lot say it so much nicer than me.

MaLopez · 28/12/2007 00:25

Have to be a bit harsh. It is not your place. Your kids do what you say, you are their mum. Not a good idea to say: I am not taking you to the cinema until you write the notes that your Dad says it's okay not to write. It is blackmail expecting it to be done when you come back.

Because your kids do something does not mean your DH's children should do it. He can use the exact argument back at you.

Please do not use the children as pawns. You will not win. I know so well.

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 28/12/2007 00:34

You haven't brought them up so I'm sorry but I don't think it's your place or right to try to change the way they have been doing things for 11 and 9 years respectively.

More than anything I feel you and he should be communicating about this, and reaching an agreement without involving the children.

If they were my kids and they came home and relayed this to me I would be

ChorusLineMistletoeAndWine · 28/12/2007 00:39

Have thought about this some more as i have 2 siblings from dads previous marriage. If my mum had made them do it I can only but imagine how they would have gone straight home and told thier mum - the conversation following that to my dad would not have been pretty.....

lulabelle · 28/12/2007 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2007 09:50

It's really easy with hindsight to ask was this discussed before - whether each family sends thank you notes. I would just asume that thank you notes would be sent to aunts and uncles etc and not think to ask "do you do thank you?"

What now needs to be done is damage limitation and advanced problem solving with two sets of children.

Both adults need to agree to let this drop and decide how you will deal with this type of situation in the furture - will you decide that you do not back each other up and take the side of your own children? OR you back each other up and parent as step parents to each others children. Neither is wrong - if you know where you stand at the begining. Doubt though that the first way would suit either of you long term.

Sit down and work out what you both feel you should do next time - there will be a next time. Then talk to the children all together and let them know how things will work, communication works well if you all know where you stand and who backs up who and stick to it.

colditz · 28/12/2007 09:51

not up to you what his kids do.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2007 09:52

Oh and ps

11am Thursday was the prime time for Christmas arguments for couples with most happening then.

Julezboo · 28/12/2007 09:54

I was 11 when my mum and dad got divorced, my new "stepdad" started throwing his weight around like this it made me hate him.

I think YABU, also as the others have said DP was wrong in what he did but you both should of discussed it away from the children.

We have never wrote thankyou note and phone call off the children is much more personal imo.

I would be pissed off if my son came home from his dads and told me something like this had happened and he wouldnt be going back until it was under control

FluffyMummy123 · 28/12/2007 09:56

Message withdrawn

Freckle · 28/12/2007 10:03

You do seem to have rather got yourself entrenched in your view that it must be done your way. Different families have different traditions. I make mine do thank you notes, but I rarely receive them. I accept that some don't, although I do think it is not really setting the right example to children in this take, take, take world. Children should learn to thank people who take the trouble to give them presents.

However, they are not your children. Your dh and his ex-wife have obviously done things differently in the past and threatening things like no cinema or no take away because they won't do things your way smacks a little of control-freakery.

Sobernow · 28/12/2007 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 28/12/2007 10:15

Surely the spectacularly crp postal service would make a phone call more prudent?

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