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Original poster

Had massive row after a lovely christmas

60 replies

GettingIt · 28/12/2007 00:04

Me and DH have had a huge row over his kids. Basically they dont send thank you notes to people after christmas and I think they should. My kids do.

So I told them to start writing them, they refused and said it was geeky and they've never had to before I got cross at them and said I'd be disapointed in them if they didnt.

I left them to it expecting them to get it done and returned to find them playing on the xbox . I took the xbox off them until they'd wrote them and DH said I was being unfair and he'd told them they didnt need to bother . I was so angry with him. I insisted that they write thank you notes whether they wanted to or not and they started shouting stuff at me and DH just said "calm down" to them and I heard him say to them "ill talk to her" in a patronising way about me.

Anyway I was supposed to be taking all the kids to the cinema tonight so he could get some work done but I refused to take his kids until they'd wrote the thankyou notes. DH said I was being ridiculous and they wasnt going to write them so I took my own kids to the cinema only expecting the notes to be written for when I got back and they'd STILL not done them .

Anyway we'd arranged to have a take-away as a treat tonight and I have them until 9pm to get the notes done or no take-away, they didnt do them so I didnt get them a take-away and DH took them out himself and bought them one to completely undermine me.

So we've had a massive row straight after christmas when it had all gone so well up to now

OP posts:

LIZS · 28/12/2007 10:17

Get them to email them ? Is it really wirth falling out over or is this symptomatic of a them and us mentality re the kids ?

Sobernow · 28/12/2007 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 28/12/2007 10:27

Oh dear. I don't see why it matters that much. Most people I know don't write thankyou letters - we do but only to people we don't see over Christmas. I hated them as a child and I don't force my DCs to do any more than is absolutely essential.

And they are his DCs - perhaps he didn't like to see you bullying his children. I wouldn't.

partypiece · 28/12/2007 10:30

You can't behave like this with stepkids. You are setting up a horrible them and us situation, dividing up children. I assume your stepchildren are going home soon? That's the time to ask your children to write notes. This has got totally out of hand and you need to back down. He is their dad and I would be furious if my husband remarried (we'd have to get divorced first mind you!)and his new wife started at my children over Christmas like this. In future if there is a clash of traditions discuss it with your husband before you start on the children. There is a real risk they will start to resent you if you start behaving like this and that won't do your marriage any good at all.

KaySamuels · 28/12/2007 10:46

I have step kids, I do thank you notes form ds, they never do them and seem to struggle to even muster a verbal thank you - just the way they are brought up, they are lovely boys.
I am doing thank you notes with ds today, have never and would never ask step boys to do them. Incidentally however my mum and sister used to buy for sks bdays and xmas - I told them not to bother any more a few years back as they are bogged down with presents, never know who got them what or say thanks, and as both relatives where strugggling financially I put a stop to it.

Surely a forced Thank you note is a bit rubbish anyway? As kids I always did them but my sister didn't, we were just different kids who said thank you in different ways.

lilacclaire · 28/12/2007 10:53

It was very cruel to exclude them over such a trivial matter, you cannot expect everyone to bow to your traditions, you sound like a bit of a nightmare to be honest.

cheeset · 28/12/2007 11:27

GettingIt, I think you tried to do the right thing and from what I can understand from your post, your heart was in the right place. You just want to bring your kids up correctly in what I can see as a bit of a wishy washy world we now live in. IMO, kids rule nowadays.

Must be hard with step kids, i don't know because I dont have them.

Not rubbing in but other op's were right, his kids...At least discuss first but then you prob know this, just sounds like you got a bit entrenced in the whole drama and prepared for battle.

Good luck.

cheeset · 28/12/2007 11:29

I don't think we can say she's a bit of a nightmare, she handled it badly and did come on here for support.She took her kids out treated them well, we all make mistakes.

cheeset · 28/12/2007 11:33

In any case, she only wanted them to write a bloomin thank you card, she didn't want to send them down mine with pit pony!

It just backfired because the DH didn't support her over a thank you card, he could have sorted this out tbh, it was ONLY A THANK YOU CARD

OverMyDeadBody · 28/12/2007 11:34

Gosh I'd say you where very unreasonably to force his kids to do something you believed in but they didn't. It's not your place, sorry.

But it can't be nice to have arguments like that, bringing in the children too, maybe you should be the one to back down and respect your DH's right to make his own choices about how he parents his kids?

OverMyDeadBody · 28/12/2007 11:36

I'm single, and if and when I get into another relationship, if my partner starts insisting on making my DS do things I don't think are important or that I've never made him do, I will leave him.

I went out with someone once who dared to suggest I make DS eat everything on his plate which I've never done. He didn't last long.

tribpot · 28/12/2007 11:37

Gotta agree with the others, to be honest. If my step-mother had done this to us, my mum would have gone completely mental about it (although I would add, my mum did make us do thank you notes, but as an example of an issue).

Agree that your heart was probably in the right place and you are new to step-parenting but they aren't your children and you can't set the rules for them as if they were. You and dh need to come to an agreement about what you expect, if necessary with his ex's agreement as well.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/12/2007 11:37

cheeset, she could have sorted it out too by dropping it, after all it's only a thank you card!

OrmIrian · 28/12/2007 11:38

But the 'it's only a thankyou card' argument works both ways cheeset.

I've always felt that if ever I met someone else, discipline of my kids would stay firmly in my hands just to avoid this sort of issue.

cheeset · 28/12/2007 11:39

But gettingIt has to look after his kids too.

I can see how this could have unfolded at the time but the DH could have stepped up to the mark and supported his dp. He could have helped sort this out too, he is her partner.

It wasnt as if the op was trying to get them to do something really awful was it? It was a respectful thing.

Personally I can never be bothered to get my dc's to write anything as it's like pulling teeth

Chardonnay1966 · 28/12/2007 11:41

Crikey, are we living in Victorian times?? Why do we have to write official "thank you" notes and send through the post for it to count? Times have changed thank gawd. Did the kids say thanks for pressies or will they when they see the people who gave them the gifts? If so, that's fine! What a waste of paper.
p.s I didn't even send anyone any Christmas cards this year or last. I said "merry xmas" to all my friends. I'm a bit evil aren't I?

cheeset · 28/12/2007 11:42

christmas cards suck

cheeset · 28/12/2007 11:52

Am i the only one dissagree with their dp sometime on how to bring up the dc?

Isn't this the same as with step children?

wotz · 28/12/2007 12:02

I think cheeset worded it well

I have a sd and my own dcs.

If your make them to write thankyous, then what's the point of them. They should do it because they want to do them.

If you want to thank members of your own family for their gifts, then you could write to them yourself about your Christmas and add your own thank you at the end.

Give them a break. Hope it works out.

NotEvenHopingForAWhiteXmas · 28/12/2007 12:06

Who were the thank you letters too? My mum gets very angry and very upset when she doesn't get thank you notes from children she has sent presents to. She has stopped buying for my neice's brother (not actually related but used to be included) because she never gets any acknowledgment of her gifts.

If the people who have sent the gifts are from that generation it is very rude to decide that the children don't need to bother to say thank you. How long does it take to write a short note? 10 minutes?

I make mine do them and they are 16 to 21. It doesn't hurt them to have to put themselves out for someone else.

I think the OPs DH was totally out of order in undermining her in front of the children. He should have taken her to one side quietly to discuss it. I do get the argument about them not having been brought up like this but different house, different rules.

WalkinginawinterWOMBAland · 28/12/2007 12:06

My brother and I have always written thank you cards...my children will be expected to write thank you cards,( i'll write and they'll scrawl on them). I write thank you cards from my dh and me... i feel it's common courtesy.
However, my dsc's never have, and i doubt ever will, write thank you cards. They are 17 and 15 so it's not as if they need help to do this..and if their own mother can't be bothered to have good manners, then i'm not going to waste my time by stressing about it.
My dh says to them that it would be nice to thank people if they've taken the time to send them gifts etc..it falls on deaf ears.

I know that my dc's will have good manners and to be honest, thy're my main priority.

wotz · 28/12/2007 12:15

Sometimes its the only time extended family get to have a letter, card, from the children they care about and don't get to hear or see from that often, so it is nice. Nothing about being in a modern world and it isn't Victorian.

I don't agree there is a set time limit to respond. My dcs have spent a few days making them and will then write in them later when they want to.

Its not really about the cards IMHO, its about power over the dcs and expecting her dp to take her side. Well all partners don't always agree on things, but there are better ways to handle it infront of the children.

I expect your actions have upset not only you, but everyone.

You need to put things right as it was your expectaions that got you into this mess. Sorry.

partypiece · 28/12/2007 12:17

Er, SHE undermined him in front of the children too! And they are HIS children. This is not the way to have a happy stepfamily. Though judging by, say Walkinginawinteretc's post, that's something a lot of people don't have. The hostility is really clear.
I think it's totally stupid to make such a fuss about a trivial matter when there is something so important at stake - a family and a marriage.
A stepfamily is absolutely not the same as a 'normal' family. The love isn't there in the same way, the kids already have a mother, and they were there first, you are the newcomer and I think that should be respected unless you actively want to be resented.

Chardonnay1966 · 28/12/2007 12:18

r u having twins or something, WWWL?

WalkinginawinterWOMBAland · 28/12/2007 12:26

Partypiece..i have a wonderful relationship with my dsc! But i have certain expectations surrounding manners etc. They think it's hilarious that i write thank you letters etc, but i point out that they are always appreciated by the recipients, and if it puts a smile on an elderly relatives face, then i think it's great!

My dsc's know my feelings on certain topics and vica versa. I'm not their mother..they already have one so i try to be more like a big sister and it works for us. We love each other to bits...i just wish they would say thank you a little more often.

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