Controlling behaviour

[lemmeavabru]

I’ve started to journal any controlling behaviour.
It has been restrained for a couple of years but creeps back up which makes me anxious. It might just be that I’m sensitive or quickly triggered.

I’m looking for a term for this type of behaviour. When DH doesn’t like something he becomes quiet. I can sense that there’s something wrong. He then asks questions in an aggressive tone and I find I’m defending myself which is stupid because I haven’t done anything wrong. Then this quiet aggression continues for a few hours, sometimes a few days. He might proceed to become ‘lecturey’ or angry over other things and then may or may not bring up the initial thing.

Like today. A boiler and grants person came to survey the house. We started talking and he came from upstairs, greeted the man and went into the other room. But I knew he was off. As soon as the man stepped outside he came to ask, in an angry tone, what he’s doing here? I explained but then he started to get angry at the kids for being late for the kids.

I can handle myself a lot better and not as anxious as I used to be but it still unnerves me. I’m trying to document it all because over the years I couldn’t articulate that well the impact his behaviour had on me.

@chargingback Thank you sooo much for your encouragement!
I was meant to come back to the post but got side tracked.

@PickAChew

@ChargingBuck
I’ve got an appointment to see a house next week. It’s ideal. Number of bedrooms etc. Not told anyone. Usually I always tell someone but I feel I need to do this on my own without any influence and judgement.

Im going to go with my instincts. Im going to see if I can afford the house on my own without selling first. I just have this feeling that once the house is in the market everyone’s going to find out and try to talk me out of leaving.

They’ve done this before.

Gonna agree with everyone. Writing things down is just delaying the inevitable. Gotta do this.
My biggest worry are my kids. I don’t want their lives negatively impacted. They’re my whole world and I’d do anything for them.

@ChargingBuck

Lemme, rest assured, you are making perfect sense :)

I'm going to make a blunt observation on the back of your latest update:
But the idea of calling a tradesman or doing anything to the car or house makes me doubt myself. For many years I believed that I wasn’t any good with finances and he’s better.

Your posting style, despite the distress you've been handling, is clear, calm & measured. You sound like a smart woman who maybe doesn't say a lot (why bother, if you are only going to get 'corrected'?) ... but doesn't miss anything.
Unlike your micromanaging cheapskate husband, I suspect that you have the wherewithal to talk to tradesmen, negotiate discounts, stay on top of timescales etc ... in short, you'd have made a MUCH better Site Manager than your husband ...

This isn't a passing observation.
It's a declaration that - no matter how difficult & overwhelming the thought of it can be - you have the life skills to make a happy, productive & sane life if you choose to end your marriage.

Of course your confidence has been knocked. Anybody's confidence would suffer from your husband's particular ministrations. But your resilience & capability is just shining out of your posts.

So don't allow self-doubt to be your husband's final 'gift' to you.
It's never as simple as "LTB!!" - but, step by step, if that's what you want, you have the ability to make it happen. Please keep posting, you are not alone, & many PP's have experienced some of what you have to cope with.

Fantastic post, as usual 🙄🤣.....OP, pls re read.

This is the truth.

Don't tell anyone your business unless you are sure of support.

Get out.

Keep posting

Not told anyone. Usually I always tell someone but I feel I need to do this on my own without any influence and judgement.
Ha ha ha often this is your better self's way of telling your doubting self to crack on with it.

Erm ... yeah, amply demonstrated by -
I just have this feeling that once the house is in the market everyone’s going to find out and try to talk me out of leaving.
They’ve done this before.
Fuck 'em, "They" like him so much - THEY can move in with him.

Blimey, if you can do this affordably without waiting out the awful in-between period, & so make a clean break from current house to the next, bloody well done! So lovely to see a woman who has taken enough, is taking no more, & who has the independence & wherewithal to not have to endure it due to financial constraints.

Keep us posted, when you can be arsed. You don't owe anybody updates - just for the joy of it. Or even to ask for a handhold if/when you feel overwhelmed. You're doing great, Lemme x

Cheers @billy1966. On the same page, literally & often metaphorically :)

I’ve just looked into getting a mortgage on my own and it looks like I can’t afford to buy on my own.
Renting is too much also. Half my wage would go on rent!
I think the only option is to sell and get with half the assets. Probably after mortgage!
My head’s hurting!
Also, it was his turn to do the school run, once a week on a Friday afternoon and he went to do some errands out of town!
It wouldn’t have bothered me on other days. I’m so used to just getting on with it. But today I was absolutely fuming!
I actually considered walking out and getting an apartment somewhere to rent. But then thought my actions would be reactionary and not thought out. So left it!

@lemmeavabru

It will be 25 years for us too next year *@freeatlast2021*! I do feel like a shell of my former self. But what guarantees are there that my life will be any different on my own? I feel stuck financially, I have a sn child which means I can only work term time school time only. I have kids that are various ages.

You can do it trust me

I did and life is so much easier

Had a meeting with SENCO and just blurted out that I wasn’t coping. There’s sooo much to think about with an SN chilld and endless appointments and therapies that he needs; physiotherapist, speech therapy, optometrist. Opthologist, Occupational therapy, dermatologist, peadatrician. I’m sure I’m forgetting something.

After the optimetrist told me I need to ensure he has eye drops 4 times a day I just stared at him and told him how difficult it was, he refuses to have them. He was kind but pointed to how important it was. He also said that taking care of your ds is a full time job! I nearly broke down.

Ever since he was born, and I love him no less than my other dc, our lives have been different. No one in the family, especially DH realises this, the fact that it is a full time job. He still expects me to take of everything else and work, and live by his rules.

After he was born I went part time, left work, retrained professionally, went back to work, left, went back to school hours job. And everything in the house still falls to me inc care of ds.

I cannot go on. He needs to step up.

And this is why I also have to think long and hard about leaving altogether. I’m not sure I could cope on my own.

Anyone who tries to prevent you leaving is someone you need to get away from along with him
Good luck!!!

@freeatlast2021

When we think of abuse we immediately think of physical, but there are all kinds of abuse and often times, like in your case OP, it is so subtle that it cannot even be explained, you just feel it. It is unfortunate that more isn't said and done to educate people about this kind of abuse because a lot of us stay in relationships for too long, or forever, just because we simply cannot explain it and therefore justify the leaving.

I was in a similar relationship myself, where I literally felt abused but just could not put it in words. Even today, after twenty five years of marriage and six months of separation, I still cannot tell you in a few simple words what it was that my ex was doing to me. What I can tell you is this, trust your instincts. Just because you cannot explain it or name it does not mean that the abuse is not there. If you can feel it is real. Just leave, just get out. This changes you, damages you, in so many ways. I am just hoping that the damage is not permanent.

Good luck OP.

Basically, it's this ideas.ted.com/peoples-words-and-actions-can-actually-shape-your-brain-a-neuroscientist-explains-how/?fbclid=IwAR3Fafm0L-1oKs2ymb1VmJjZLQHNLmZq4gLsbM54x1l98jpyNA4wEom59Ds

Question pls.

Just hypothetical. If I moved to a rented accommodation with my sn ds , for now with the view to applying for 50 / 50 custody with the rest of the dc, would there be any housing benefit help? Or would they see me as making myself purposefully homeless?
When applying I would state that we are formally separated.

Thanks

Lemme, a call to Women's Aid will help you assess how to manage the leaving process.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

& Gingerbread will advise on everything you need to know about housing, re-housing, & benefits.
www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/housing/your-housing-rights-when-you-separate/

He also said that taking care of your ds is a full time job! I nearly broke down.
I think the optometrist was making a kindly remark, to show empathy, & admiration for your parenting ....

And this is why I also have to think long and hard about leaving altogether. I’m not sure I could cope on my own.
... & while I know these 2 sentences were not directly linked in your post ... do you feel that they are linked in your mind more strongly just now, after another busy day, another let-down from DH (arbitrarily opting out of school DC pick-up), & another understandable round of self-doubt & overwhelm?

All that's absolutely fine Lemme.
You need to take your own sweet time with this.
You'll want to establish the best route 'out', ensure you get treated fairly with division of assets, & manage your own mental wellbeing while you do all that. It's a lot! You will get days where it feels like too much. That's ok too.
Sit with the doubt & let it inform you. Separate out what is real, & what is 'other voices' in your head. Your DH who has told you for so many years that you are incompetent - when actually, it's you who who make the better Site Manager, you who holds everything together for the DC, you who is the competent life admin person for the household. Those others who you are convinced will throw a spanner in your works - I just have this feeling that once the house is in the market everyone’s going to find out and try to talk me out of leaving. They’ve done this before.

Let it all percolate. Don't allow it to dismay you.
You have survived years of being ground down, told you are 'appreciated' (WORDS) but left to do everything (DEEDS) so in fact totally UNappreciated. This has a cumulative effect, as does the blaming, constant 'corrections', temper tantrums etc from DH.
Imagine living free of all that.
Imagine how much stronger & capable you will feel when you are not constantly undermined, constantly on egg shells, constantly let down, constantly fixing the mess/waste/pissed off builders/your & DC's hurt feelings that DH engenders in your life.
Without that weight, you will cope so much more easily.

I actually considered walking out and getting an apartment somewhere to rent. But then thought my actions would be reactionary and not thought out. So left it!
Wise.
You'll want to ensure that 'optimum' leaving timescales & new living arrangements also manages to ensure optimum cashflow for you.
However ... please also consider - what's necessarily wrong with "reactive"? You have a LOT of shit to react against!
Gingerbread & WA will assess your current situation as Domestic Abuse - believe it. You have managed for so long, becoming accustomed to so much poor behaviour from DH that it's easy for you to minimise it. But if it gets to much, just from what you have been able to write about in this so far very short thread, constitutes DA & if you come to the point where you want or need to make a "reactive" move - that's ok too. You WILL be believed, you WILL be supported. So that is an option for you.
Your mental health is just as important as anyone else's. Agencies will recognise that. Even if you go 50/50 on the parenting, they will recognise who is the competent parent, the emotional caretaker. You will be heard, & taken account of.

Another point that strikes me hard is this:
After he was born I went part time, left work, retrained professionally, went back to work, left, went back to school hours job. And everything in the house still falls to me inc care of ds.
When you find a solicitor, they need to know this.
Your career suffered a detriment.
Also this:
Ever since he was born, and I love him no less than my other dc, our lives have been different. No one in the family, especially DH realises this, the fact that it is a full time job. He still expects me to take of everything else and work, and live by his rules.
That detriment has been unacknowledged, & must be reflected in the divorce settlement & asset split.

It may be - depending on how much equity you have in the marital home, mortgage cost, earnings, etc, the WHOLE financial set-up - that more of this can be offset in your favour, as DH will be unwilling/unable to step up to a 50/50 childcare arrangement.
It could even be that you could obtain a Court-ordered arrangement for you to stay on in the marital home, as resident parent, as you are shouldering the DC load.

You may not want that.
You may not know what you want yet, & that's fine too. But what you MUST do is inform yourself of your options.
Solicitor! - when you find the right one, you will find that having the practicalities spelled out, having a committed professional on Team You who is only concerned with protecting YOUR best interests, will give you more strength & clarity of mind.

From the comment you made about the nay-sayers who you know will convince you to stay if you put your house on the market, it's obvious that you have - in effect- a conspiracy around you, selling you the bullshit that you can't leave/must stay for DH's sake/mustn't break up the home because DC/won't cope on your own (ha!)/insert bullshit of your choice here.

You need to build a Team You to counteract that bullshit.
WA
Gingerbread
Solicitor
Citizens Advice Bureau
(Mumsnet!)

Who do you have in real life you you can trust 100% to keep your secrets, not nay-say you, & be an outlet for your concerns & emotions?
If you can't immediately think of someone - that's ok too. Pardon my cynicism, but I'm kinda betting that DH has manoeuvred you into some form of social isolation. Even if not deliberately (it happens, it's common, it's all part of the pattern your DH is showing) - the social cost to you in being the default parent, the default fixer of DH's messes, the default person to get all the blame & none of the decision-making, will have taken a toll.

Take care of yourself, when you feel overwhelm again, (I am thinking of your 'moment' at the optometrist) tell yourself THAT's OK TOO. Several short 'breaks' in the day can help more than one longer one. (yeah, chance would be a fine thing sometimes for you?)
This link has some helpful tips, but please - take it with a pinch of salt, don;t look at it as yet another job on your to-do list. Your overwhelm is situational. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not need to 'fix' yourself, & you do not need to assume getting a small boost from e.g. some very quick breathing tricks means you are "not coping".
You are clearly a coper! - this is just a little extra help for you - psychcentral.com/stress/how-to-deal-with-feeling-overwhelmed#mindfulness

Dashing out with the dog now, but will be keeping up with your thread OP. Please use the thread as support when YOU want it, with no feeling of obligation to respond to any of us. You have so very much on your plate, & this thread is not about you owing anybody anything. It is about a safe space for you to vent.

@ChargingBuck
Thank you sooo much for your response.
There’s so much information here. I’m going to keep coming back to this.

I did yesterday think that I’m having a breakdown. There’s just so much to do. But if I’m honest, and like you say @ChargingBuck it’s the mental load and self doubt that sometimes is crippling.

I go from being overwhelmed and wanting to leave, to thinking I’ve stuck it out for so long, just need to manage better.

I go from being overwhelmed and wanting to leave, to thinking I’ve stuck it out for so long, just need to manage better.

Yes. I recognise this. Your feeling is understandable, & valid.
The thing is - it's not upon you to "manage better". It's upon the DC's dad, the home co-owner, the man purporting to be your husband, to STEP THE FUCK UP.

But as he is unable to see that, let alone do it, here you are, feeling stuck.

You can manage.
You've managed so far.
What you don't need to do is manage indefinitely.
Hang on to that thought, go slow, & start arming yourself with information & by building your Team You.

Just had a bit of a health scare and went to A&E upon GPs advice. May have had a mini stroke! But I think it’s more likely severe migraine caused by stress. Been told to take time off work.
Going to take this time to rest and ring women’s aid and gingerbread.

Hope you get some good rest, & establish some helpful contacts.

Sending lots of good wishes op

Been there

It's hell

Thank you

Wishing you well

I’ve had an overnight stay at hospital. It’s making my decision to leave even more harder at the present.

I do need to make some changes to my life. I can’t seriously keep going on like this. Working full time and then do the same at home with caring responsibilities. Something has to give.