If you were bullied how does it affect you as an adult?

[rosequartz8]

I thought the relationship board would be a good place for this question. I have been thinking about my own life in relation to bullying especially throughout lockdown in the last year. I'm now late 30's and was bullied the whole way through primary school and also some of secondary. I was a shy, introverted and nervous girl who was kind to other people but it always seemed to lead to me being a target for bullies. Some of the experiences that I had were quite horrific and even after years of therapy, I still have crippling social anxiety and PTSD. Due to other health problems, i have struggled to work and a lot of the friendships I have had seem to mirror the bullies I met throughout my life.

I'm now at a place where I'm trying hard to rebuild some kind of life for myself but sometimes it feels like one step forward and 2 steps back. There are some days when I struggle to even leave the house or to make a phone call and it can be incredibly debilitating and lonely. I have people to speak to about it, but the majority of the time they are dismissive and think because it happened years ago that I should be over it by now, but that's easier said that done

If anyone else here was bullied, how has it affected you to this day and what are your strategies for coping?

I'm so sorry, you've had a really difficult time haven't you?

I was bullied throughout my school years, especially in primary. I was a quiet, introverted, clever, slightly socially awkward and very shy child. It was horrible and you don't forget it, or the people who did it to you.

What it's done to me is make me tougher. Not until my 30s though, when I had my children and I had to be strong for them. I don't get bullied now, I simply won't allow it.

I got there, it took time but I did. Hope you do too, OP

@DramaAlpaca

I'm so sorry, you've had a really difficult time haven't you?

I was bullied throughout my school years, especially in primary. I was a quiet, introverted, clever, slightly socially awkward and very shy child. It was horrible and you don't forget it, or the people who did it to you.

What it's done to me is make me tougher. Not until my 30s though, when I had my children and I had to be strong for them. I don't get bullied now, I simply won't allow it.

I got there, it took time but I did. Hope you do too, OP

This is me too. Now in my 60s and refuse to be bullied or put upon. I recently said 'no' to a load of shit at work and it has empowered me even more. I refuse to be brow beaten now, but yeah , it started when I had kids and started taking no shit off anyone. Including my eldest DSs father, who was shown the door after pissing me off once too often.

I think it made me more wary of people and more cynical of their motives - but yes having kids made me much more assertive generally but expect that would have happened anyway.

I'm also probably less open with people - which does mean more distant.

I have two cats - one often acts like prey so other goes after her - usually means her condidence needs building up with play. I think it can be similar with people - sometimes I think I can still give wrong vibe and people get idea I'm a push over - so shoulder back head up and make sure I don't sound unsure when I speak - no uplift in voice and careful with phrasing and make sure my boundaries are respected - so no taking shit or letting things slide start as mean to go on - don't let people get away with treating me poorly - all easier said than done by come with practise.

Also helps found out have dyspraixia - so probaly do stuggle with understanding/reading people or did when as child many things have improved with age and experinence- and have found as adult many people do like me and it's okay if rest don't and it's on them to behave well despite dislike.

Aslo helps to look at upbringing - raised a people pleaser with parents very critical which I think did lead to over analsying dwelling on my mistakes - silencing those thoughts helps - distracting/cutting them off - deliberately thinking about times I did well instead - again constant work in progress.

Nobody liked me a senior school, I was alone at break times and had to sit with boys in form as none of the girls would sit by me I often wished I was invisible. As an adult I still feel nobody likes me (I work with a lot of women) . I do not hold anybody close to me beyond my immediate family and have no time for friends. I prefer to have a life without many people in it.

I don’t allow it

But bullying is an abuse of power. If someone is bullying you, it doesn’t mean you are allowing it, it means it’s being forced on you.

Cynical, guarded and mistrustful. Mind you it hasn't helped that I managed to pick bullies for partners too.

Doesn't help that I had undiagnosed ADHD throughout school and struggled to maintain friendships, really didn't 'get' how connections worked. Still don't tbh.

I don't bother much with getting to know new people and haven't done for years. I'm happy with the people I already have in my life, I trust them, I'm connected to them. I've come to terms with a pretty awful school life and a pretty vile marriage, but I don't feel able to put myself on the line again.

I was bullied constantly through primary/ secondary and it's left with me with terrible general anxiety, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, depression and i literally don't trust a soul.

It's not made me tougher, all it's done is make me guarded, untrusting and a nervous wreck.

I was badly bullied throughout school about how I looked.

I'm in my 40s now and have a good life. A job I love, a happy marriage, 2 DC, supportive friends and interesting hobbies.

But I still carry the invisible scars of my experiences. I get very anxious about meeting new people, I feel my face is deformed, I fear people "noticing" what I look like.

I had very few female friends. I just don't trust other women.

I assumed my general anxiety and social anxiety in my 20s was down to upbringing and bullying at school.

However I came of the pilll late 20s and it got better - around time I was having kids - then when moved here late 30s got hard sell on coil which I didn't want so got really pushed on pill again - went from really happy moving here to struggling to get out the door - again went away very dramatcially when stopped the pill.

GP insisted it was nothing to do with it despite huge study coming about linking pill and depression and anxiety.

I wonder if menopause will badly affect me with anxiety - it's apparently very common occurance.

I mention it just in case it helps anyone but it also shows how hard it is to see effects - similar to me about what me and what's the dyspraxia - how much is it hormones how much pretty shitty bullying experiences or is it some combination of both.

I have generally liked getting older - more agency in my life to avoid or walk away from/managae bad situations and people and supposed with DH more support to tell people to fuck off rather than DParents suggesting I'm one in the wrong all the time.

Concentrate on doing as much as you can for yourself. I was bullied, and I imagine I'm happier than any of them now, which lays it all to rest.

Childhood bullying has left me with a lasting mistrust of women my own age to the extent that I resist forming friendships even though I’m lonely. I’m also socially awkward which doesn’t help.

Add to that; low self esteem, anxiety, depression and emotional numbness. I switched-off and dissociated from years of abuse and find it hard to fully feel emotion now as a result. I'm also hyper vigilant of perceived threat which has resulted in me avoiding situations where I can't see an escape route; e.g. taking temporary work contracts so I have an exit if I become anxious or intimidated.

On the plus side some things have improved with counselling and age. I have enormous empathy for suffering and an almost psychic ability to read others thoughts and feelings which I believe developed from years of reading and predicting my bullies mood swings.

I’ve also been told by doctors and dentists that I have a very high pain threshold which is handy sometimes but unfortunately has also lead to me overlooking health problems.

I was bullied from primary through to the end of secondary. My confidence and self esteem were very badly affected. I tried to improve and I was beginning to be more comfortable with myself, I had hobbies and friends then at 18 I met my ex husband and he abused me physically, financially, emotionally, sexually, psychologically and used coercive control. I personally feel that if I had not been bullied at school I would not have been drawn towards my ex.

I then met my second ex and he's an alcoholic who would physically abuse me, gaslight me and if I didn't go to the shop for him if I was home then he would go on and on at me until it built up to such a level that I was every swear word under the sun.

Neither worked, I was the bread winner. Obviously there's a lot more to the abuse etc My Fiance now is amazing and the total opposite to me exes. It took me ages to understand and accept what a normal relationship is like. I firmly believe that the bullying I went through affected my judgement if people and I struggled to read red flags. Now I'm a lot more aware.

I am successful and confident but have never like socialising with groups of women. I’m happy to socialise with a mixed group but avoid women only groups. I am a natural people pleaser and was used terribly. I have learned to recognise the “controllers” and try to be allusive so I don’t get drawn in.
I think as a result now if I resist/refuse it is a bit of a shock. Fortunately I’m happy one to one and have some close reliable friends who are low maintenance. They realise that I am not constantly available.
I feel much more comfortable in male company they are so much more transparent. I don’t flirt though, only with my husband.

I had a couple of years of low(ish) level bullying by a boy at school, coupled with being heckled by a group of girls in the village if ever I passed them in the street, topped off with siblings at home doing normal sibling mocking and put downs. Although none of these issues would have been massive on their own, with it all going on at once I became pretty sure there must be something inherently unlikeable about me. I've never shaken the feeling. I'm lucky to have some fantastic friends now who I've had for long enough to know that they can put up with things about me that aren't great. Newer friends, I'm always paranoid that they don't really like me or that they're going to realise sooner or later.

I go through cycles of feeling more confident and then I'll say something obnoxious or too something or other and knock back to square one.

I've never had a long term relationship. I can't cope with receiving compliments because I don't trust anyone who says a lot of positive things about me.

I am dreading my DD being bullied because I know my whole life has been coloured by it and I just really would like her to escape that.

I was bullied through most of school, from a very early age, not too much from about 15 onwards and at peak first two years of secondary school, so 11-13.

It has made me tough, I can cope with most things, most people. I have had a good and successful career. It holds me back socially, I don’t make friends easily, I assume nobody will like me.

I was bullied all through primary and secondary. I had terrible skin and it was jumped on.

Now I really value loyalty, I have no time for anything that even has a whiff of bullying - probably why I don't do social media.

I'm also very drawn to anyone who doesn't follow the crowd. Even now I pick adult friends based on that. DH can't start a debate in an empty room so he's perfect 🤣

DH was one of those kids that were completely intellectually removed from the pack, he wasn't bullied but also wasn't popular.

It's definitely made me tougher. I don't try and keep up either. I'm used to being the odd one out.

However DS is turning out to be the in kid at school. Given what we are like it blows my mind.

I also assume I'm a complete idiot and it's only a matter of time before everyone else notices too.

@INeedNewShoes - I feel exactly the way you do. Obnoxious is the perfect word

It's shit isn't it?

I have been left with difficulty trusting others, poor self-esteem, Body Dysmorphic Disorder (which has been crippling for long periods but I currently have it under control) and a constant feeling like I am generally unlikeable. I said to my DH the other day that it must be very weird to walk through life just expecting others to like you. The world must feel like a very different place.

Oh I also suspect I may have CPTSD or PTSD. I have an extremely strong reaction to seeing depictions of any sort of bullying in TV for example as in hysterical crying so I think it may be a type of flashback. However when I think back to me being bullied I feel nothing like I've totally disassociated from it. Very odd.

Thee was a big study done a few years back that found that bullying was just as or more harmful in terms of ongoing mental health issues than sexual abuse and tbh that doesn't hugely surprise me. It's had a massive and lifelong impact on who I am as a person and how I feel about myself in relation to everyone around me and it affects every single setting where you might interact with others.

I am get terribly lonely and have no close friends (I do have a husband and adult son I am close to). This is partly also because I have ADHD and chronic illness altogether has affected my social skills, removed my social crutches, and my ADHD means I am really shit at keeping in contact with anyone.

"Doesn't help that I had undiagnosed ADHD throughout school and struggled to maintain friendships, really didn't 'get' how connections worked. Still don't tbh. "

This really resonates with me @KurtWilde I have ADHD and don't feel that I properly connect with people or how or why many people connect with each other. Many connections seem on such a superficial basis but lots of people seem very happy with that and that they get something out of having lots of these superficial connections. It does nothing for me. I also don't know how people keep them all going. I can barely keep up with what's going on in my pared down day, I don't get how people can keep up with 20+ acquaintances. Blows my mind!

@Angrymum22

I am successful and confident but have never like socialising with groups of women. I’m happy to socialise with a mixed group but avoid women only groups. I am a natural people pleaser and was used terribly. I have learned to recognise the “controllers” and try to be allusive so I don’t get drawn in. I think as a result now if I resist/refuse it is a bit of a shock. Fortunately I’m happy one to one and have some close reliable friends who are low maintenance. They realise that I am not constantly available. I feel much more comfortable in male company they are so much more transparent. I don’t flirt though, only with my husband.

Me too! I can't do groups of women and much prefer a mixed group. Groups of women tend to get very weird very quickly ime.

I always assume people are coming from a place of not wanting me around, or can't find anything to like about me. It makes dating and trusting men's motivations hard (there are other reasons for this). It's that feeling of being odd, not good, unlikeable, being laughed at. Not sure why anyone would really want me so assume they don't.

Bullied at school, by loads of people. And then by my supposed friends. And then I was also bullied by one of my teachers.

My friends told me everything about me was wrong and then completely rejected me for months. I had no one. Spent every break in the school library. I spoke to no one apart from my teachers. I don't think I ever really fully recovered.

With friends now I often think they all hate me and that I'm barely tolerated. I suppose I feel like I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop...

I was bullied from the age of 5 and that then followed through to horrific work place bullying and abusive lonely romantic relationships. My mother is a borderline bully so I think I was conditioned at an early age. I don’t have close, stable relationships. My life is full of anxiety and crippling social fears. It’s really held me back in life. It’s like trying to climb up a greasy pole constantly. I’d love a happy family and some nice reliable friends but I don’t know how to get those things. Every day is a struggle. I’m still trying to figure this out in my 50s. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror because my first thoughts are negative “old, fat, tired, boring, weird” trying to change that negative self talk is something I really need to work on