If you were bullied how does it affect you as an adult?

[rosequartz8]

I thought the relationship board would be a good place for this question. I have been thinking about my own life in relation to bullying especially throughout lockdown in the last year. I'm now late 30's and was bullied the whole way through primary school and also some of secondary. I was a shy, introverted and nervous girl who was kind to other people but it always seemed to lead to me being a target for bullies. Some of the experiences that I had were quite horrific and even after years of therapy, I still have crippling social anxiety and PTSD. Due to other health problems, i have struggled to work and a lot of the friendships I have had seem to mirror the bullies I met throughout my life.

I'm now at a place where I'm trying hard to rebuild some kind of life for myself but sometimes it feels like one step forward and 2 steps back. There are some days when I struggle to even leave the house or to make a phone call and it can be incredibly debilitating and lonely. I have people to speak to about it, but the majority of the time they are dismissive and think because it happened years ago that I should be over it by now, but that's easier said that done

If anyone else here was bullied, how has it affected you to this day and what are your strategies for coping?

I try not to give it headspace as if I think about it, it makes me upset and angry that no teachers noticed or did anything or even my parents. Nothing good comes from reflecting on it. Now, I think I've got quite a hardened attitude where I recognise bullying, even quite subtle stuff like constantly delegating the menial jobs at work etc., and I feel confident at being able to stand up for myself, if not in the moment then making complaints confidentially because I'm not a scared, upset little kid any more, who didn't make a sound and that only encouraged the bullies because there was no consequence, but I try to stand up for myself as much as possible as speaking out is a lot more successful than staying quiet

I was bullied terribly through secondary. Absolute hell. School did nothing - there parents donated a fortune to school plus section 28.

I ended up with eating disorders, depression and suicide attempts. My last attempt would have been successful but my father came over.

It has affected me in every way.

I have trust issues. I don’t believe anything. I don’t believe anyone. A mum at my kids school I’ve had coffee with her three times, I’m bemused and wonder why and I’m just waiting for her to turn too. Tbh she does seem patient. And I am trying. But then my anxiety kicks in and I’m left wondering about what I’ve said, if I dominate the conversation etc as I’m pretty sure I’m crap when it comes to social skills. I even get anxious at the kids extra curricular clubs as people try and talk and tbh I think I’m just the weirdo. Most now just leave me alone. The poor coach just takes a deep breath as I approach.
I have permanent issues with food.
I even had a panic over ds starting secondary- what if he has hell too?
Actually it’s the affects on my kids that upsets me the most, my loneliness is mine and I’ve had it for nearly 30 years but they don’t have play dates or birthday invites because of me. If they had a better mum they would have a better life.

So I’m alone apart h - and I’m pretty sure he regrets our marriage considering what he says when drunk but he won’t leave because of the children.

Anyway sorry op I’ll stop before I start crying and make h cross.

I was badly bullied from age 8-12 (when I changed school). It does affect you.

I recently listened to an episode of a podcast called Heavyweight about bullying. The podcast series is lovely - each episode they talk to someone about an experience in that person's life and sort of revisit it. The episode in question is called "Julia" and I would recommend you listen to it. Julia was badly bullied and talks about how it has affected her life, but then when they find various of the bullies, she gets a different perspective on what was going on at the time. Not to diminish your pain or experience in any way, but bullies are usually quite damaged themselves. As an adult I can see that my bully was in a lot of emotional pain herself and that's what resulted in her behaviour. I often wonder what her life is like now.

I'm so sorry, OP - you've had a really tough time. My family moved around quite a bit when I was younger - I went to seven different primary schools and was bullied in most of them, as well as at secondary school.

It made me very anxious but also quite self-absorbed - I would spend all my time worrying about whether or not people liked me and whether I was popular, and I used to get very stressed. I am now in my 40s and I'd say since my early-mid 30s I have calmed down a lot and realized that the bullies' behaviour was ultimately not about me. They just saw me as an easy target for their own egos. I've realized the people over whose I approval I agonised really didn't give me the same level of thought and that mostly people are just trying to get on with their lives and deal with their own shit and all I really need to be concerned with are the people who clearly do love and like me, and want to be part of my life. I'm still a bit of a people pleaser, but I'm much more relaxed in myself and much more forgiving with other people. I find it quite easy to make friends now and am in a very loving and supportive relationship.

I think what I am trying to say is that although I was utterly miserable at the time and although it stayed with me well into adulthood, it is no longer a part of my life. I have let it go.

Very occasionally I'll find myself in a situation where the feelings come flooding back but I try and be aware of that and not give into it - to remember that it's a trick and that's not who I am anymore.

No idea really what the bullies are doing these days. Don't really care and have no desire for revenge - I am in no way affected by what they think of me.

Tragicmuse that is very similar to me. I was rejected by friendship groups a few times. Once in late primary. Then twice in secondary. I tried to find my way into a group of girls to be friends with but each time they turned on me. Often it was arranging to do stuff at lunchtime and deliberately avoiding me so I would end up in my own again. It was pretty soul destroying. I used to walk around and around eating my sandwiches rather than have to sit in my own. As it happened a few times with different groups, I assume it is something to do with me.
I did have some good friends at university thankfully. But not had much luck since really. I largely prefer not to expect friendships and just keep to myself now.

My older brother was a bully (still is).

I learned to stick up for myself the hard-way (hated having to do it, because it wasn't in my nature).

I don't let anyone bully me now/certainly try to stick up for myself.

I always remember someone saying that bullies when confronted are the biggest cowards and I do think that is true.

I was bullied up until my mid 20s.

Most people say I'm intimidating until they get to know me. I don't tolerate bullshit nowadays and I'm upfront about things.

I tend to think the majority of people aren't worth my time.

I stick up for myself (though I rarely need to these days) and for others.

I have low self esteem as a result I think. I assume people don’t like me and I’m embarrassed by the way I look and sound. I’m working really hard on improving my self image but it’s uphill. I’m 42 now and still will say out loud to my reflection “you’re disgusting” or “ you ugly bitch”.

I’m considering trying some sort of professional help but not sure what I need really.

I was bullied and socially ostracised by boys and girls in primary and secondary schools. I changed school multiple times but it made no difference. I don't know why I attracted this behaviour apart from that I was unconventional in my likes and interests and my family were not very social. I also tended to be outspoken, and so attracted negative attention.

It has affected me deeply in life, particularly in that I have an aversion to joining groups of any kind (formal or informal), as I have a persistent belief that they do not want me there or if I commit even the smallest error I will be excluded.

This has got better as I have moved into middle age and work in a job which requires a lot of socialising. People who know me are usually very surprised to hear of my past experiences and fears as I come across as confident and relaxed in social situations.

Like another poster up thread, I was sexually assaulted as a teenager but the bullying was far more hurtful and damaging.

Another survivor here. I’m confident on the face of it, always stick up for the underdog. It has made me sometimes too kind or too nice as people have described me. I always feel under more pressure to make friends. Became “the funny one” to deflect bullies and it was only at primary school. I thought I was well over it until a recent event at a friend’s party when we were having a really good laugh, bit of karaoke (I am a singer anyway) when a complete stranger came over to me and whispered in my ear “You think you’re brilliant, but you’re not”. Well I can tell you that hit my Achilles heel and I left the party (head held high) but dissolved into tears at home for about two hours. Totally uncalled for and hurtful. I’m not a massive show off but I do perform regularly on stage. I found out there was a back story to this later and that she had “assumed” I was shagging the host. I’m not. Anyway, I was totally floored by this aged 48. But most of the time stuff washes over me. I do think I’m a much more empathetic person as a result of my childhood though. And I wouldn’t be any other way. Don’t know how to be.

@MeOldBamboo funny you should mention sticking up for the underdog, as I find I do the same. I'll always be the first to rush to someone's defence, particularly if they're getting piled on. Actually I do it on here quite a bit, I've just realised! Cannot stand a bully. I'm also massively protective of my DC, I'll defend them to the hilt.

I was bullied at school, mainly secondary but at primary too to a lesser extent. Also in the workplace it has happened. As an adult i know its because i am autistic and adhd and kids. As an adult i have had to work so hard to understand that not everyone hates me and its not a disaster if i say something stupid or cringe or if i look shit. People arent all waiting to catch me out and laugh at me. I am allowed to be here as much as anyone.
Im still affected by it in my 40s, but nowhere near as much.

@MrsPear

I was bullied terribly through secondary. Absolute hell. School did nothing - there parents donated a fortune to school plus section 28.

I ended up with eating disorders, depression and suicide attempts. My last attempt would have been successful but my father came over.

It has affected me in every way.

I have trust issues. I don’t believe anything. I don’t believe anyone. A mum at my kids school I’ve had coffee with her three times, I’m bemused and wonder why and I’m just waiting for her to turn too. Tbh she does seem patient. And I am trying. But then my anxiety kicks in and I’m left wondering about what I’ve said, if I dominate the conversation etc as I’m pretty sure I’m crap when it comes to social skills. I even get anxious at the kids extra curricular clubs as people try and talk and tbh I think I’m just the weirdo. Most now just leave me alone. The poor coach just takes a deep breath as I approach.
I have permanent issues with food.
I even had a panic over ds starting secondary- what if he has hell too?
Actually it’s the affects on my kids that upsets me the most, my loneliness is mine and I’ve had it for nearly 30 years but they don’t have play dates or birthday invites because of me. If they had a better mum they would have a better life.

So I’m alone apart h - and I’m pretty sure he regrets our marriage considering what he says when drunk but he won’t leave because of the children.

Anyway sorry op I’ll stop before I start crying and make h cross.

Just read this @MrsPear and wanted to send you hugs ❤ Please don't listen to the negative self talk. We all come into the world the same way - there's nothing that makes anyone else inherently better than us.

With every bully, it was always due to them feeling insecure and wanting power over someone else to boost themselves, absolutely not a reflection on the person being bullied. A good therapist will really help you