DH making me ill! How do I be brave and leave?

[Plainmain]

Following yet another argument last week where I admit I said hurtful things due to my frustration at DH lack of attention and love in our relationship, I think I’ve finally realised we can’t go on like this. We’re in separate bedrooms most of the time and this week he hasn’t spoken to me except with regards to DC school run, etc.

I’ve been unhappy for some time as he never engages with me and he is a workaholic, as a family we don’t do anything together as he’s always tired or focused on the tv, watching stuff only he wants to watch. No sexual relationship whatsoever for a long time, he makes me feel unattractive anyway to bother. I know he doesn’t care even though sometimes he says he does and he makes me out to be the cruel nagging partner. This is only due to his behaviour!

I know we are at the end of our marriage, I’m trying to be brave about it. But it really hurts. I desperately want to leave him but it feels so painful. His behaviour at the moment is tortuous. He’s not answering my calls to talk tonight. How do I cope with this next step of the marriage finally ending? I feel so low😢.

I don’t have a great relationship with my family and no friends I can talk to about this. Feel so alone which is why I finally posted on here.

Well done for posting. You've taken the first step.

First of all, you can keep talking on here, at every step.
And maybe some counselling might help (on your own, not with husband), to help you work through your feelings for the next steps.

It sounds like you're doing absolutely the right thing. Noone deserves to feel unwanted, unloved and ignored in their own home and their own marriage.

Have a look online at local solicitors and make an appointment to see one. They will explain the steps and what you need to do at every step.

Stay strong. You deserve better.

Thank you @layladomino, I’ve felt really upset and spaced out all morning, just not been able to do anything. His ignoring me is also so triggering, I feel so lonely now so it’s good to post on here.

If you know he doesn't care, then you're definitely doing the right thing in leaving. Perhaps you could stop spending so much time phoning him trying to get him to talk, as it sounds like this is a fruitless endeavour, and use that energy to get yourself sorted for leaving. Re-direct that energy to yourself, rather than him.

If he's ignoring you, then all the more reason to stop. Just move away from that as it's just going to make you feel worse. Start considering your next move.

I have left - it's scary but it is normal to feel scared. What I find is even though he showed me no love or affection during not marriage, I am still very much attached to him at that's the painful part. I'm guessing you sort of feel that too?

What I have realised is the attachment I have to him/our marriage is mine and mine to control. Only I can help myself with the scared/uneasy feeling of a new life.

As pp said, therapy for you will really help you. I would really recommend it. And make a plan of how to leave and stick to it. Keep posting here, I posted so much (through many different usernames) for advice and now I look back at my previous threads and realise how far I have come.

Only you can make the change, it's your life we're talking about.

Well done for taking the first steps. I have the same feelings, although my marriage is over for different reasons. Feels overwhelming so I've broken it down into lots of small steps for example today I will open a bank account in my own name. Tomorrow I will search for a solicitor and so on rather than keep thinking of the big picture.

You are stronger than you realise and you can do this. Keep posting x

Do you mind me asking op, do you have RL friends, family support, or colleagues at work?

Is there anyone else you can talk to? Your GP perhaps?

You sound (understandably) depressed. And of course the pandemic doesn't help.

Thank you all for your replies. I am in therapy and they’re a great help for me to talk. I’ve actually felt quite embarrassed to talk to them in therapy about DH and my plans as I’m still dithering over that next step.

@judoludo you are so very correct, I am attached and I’m trying so hard to break it probably because in all I do still love and care for him even if it’s not reciprocated how I want jt to be.

No RL friends @Slingingcontest pandemic killed the connections I had. Would be weird telling anyone about my relationship anyways as they don’t know me well enough.

I doubt things will ever improve so you are doing the absolute right thing in making plans to separate from him - and seeing them through. Yes it's a huge exhausting upheaval but you can do it. Gets to the point that being in exactly the same situation in another 12 months is more frightening that leaving - and I think you are at that point.

@Plainmain

Thank you all for your replies. I am in therapy and they’re a great help for me to talk. I’ve actually felt quite embarrassed to talk to them in therapy about DH and my plans as I’m still dithering over that next step.

@judoludo you are so very correct, I am attached and I’m trying so hard to break it probably because in all I do still love and care for him even if it’s not reciprocated how I want jt to be.

No RL friends @Slingingcontest pandemic killed the connections I had. Would be weird telling anyone about my relationship anyways as they don’t know me well enough.

Have you left him before? I'm just curious to know if you have and gone back, as I did many times. And now I see, the more times I left and then returned, the worse his behaviour was because he knew I'd gone back after his crappy behaviour so felt he could carry it on but each time worse.

They do tend to 'love bomb' you after you leave with promises and that they will change, nice gifts etc...but please don't be fooled. They never change and as I've said, they just become worse as they see your return as you being weak which therefore leaves them able to treat you however they wish.

I'm glad you are in therapy - you are not dithering so please don't think that. This is a huge change to go through, it will mark how your future changes. You are in no way dithering, it's so easy for everyone to say 'just leave him' but then you are in it, it's such a scary process.

I've been doing so well in my therapy but I had a little blip last weekend where I almost wanted to go back to exH. I felt like I'd taken a huge step back but after speaking to my therapist, it's normal. She gave me tips to cope and I'm feeling strong again now.

As for the attachment part, I wish I had answers. Im still working on it. Building self esteem is my priority, the more I build my self esteem and self worth, I know I will realise that I am worth more than what he ever gave me. My dcs are also worth so much more.

You can do this op, just take the giant step and leave....then after that, it's very small steps in your recovery. X

Before you say anything to him it is really important to do the "ducks in a row" list.
That means finding and copying every single piece of financial and legal information you can lay your hands on.
Bank accounts
Mortgage
house deeds
Payslips
P60s
Tax returns
Pensions
Life insurance
Marriage certificate - you need the original if you wish to file for divorce.
Credit card statements
Household bills/accounts
Children's birth certificates

If I have forgotten anything I am sure someone else will add to the list.
Put everything in a safe place.
The solicitor will advise you to do this so you might as well do it now.

@endofthelinefinally

Before you say anything to him it is really important to do the "ducks in a row" list. That means finding and copying every single piece of financial and legal information you can lay your hands on. Bank accounts Mortgage house deeds Payslips P60s Tax returns Pensions Life insurance Marriage certificate - you need the original if you wish to file for divorce. Credit card statements Household bills/accounts Children's birth certificates

If I have forgotten anything I am sure someone else will add to the list.
Put everything in a safe place.
The solicitor will advise you to do this so you might as well do it now.

Can't recommend this enough. My exH hid a few things when I realised I needed them and would be very controlling when I asked for them 'come round for a coffee and you can have it'

If you need to apply for benefits, also your passport/driving license will be needed along with proof of address so utility bills etc.

I took my name off all the bills - I imagined it to be a stressful process but it really wasn't.

I also have my marriage certificate for divorce - I'm waiting until April when the 'No fault divorce' even though it's entirely his fault comes into place.

Thanks both. My self esteem has been shot to peaces and yes we’ve talked about ending it so many times, never happens. It’s like a dependency, he does do that love bomb @judoludo in like a way that makes me feel sorry for him and need to look after his needs rather than my own. I think the silent treatment is punishing me at the moment and testing me to see if I’ll break down. It’s awful feeling this way, I just want my sadness and fear to go.

Thank you both for this itinerary, at the moment just looking at that is overwhelming, strangely I cannot find my marriage certificate needed it for something else and no where to be found..does it matter if I don’t have the original?

I will get round to doing this, it’s going to be tough doing.

You can order another "original" certificate from the Registrar's Office. You will have to pay for it. It is worth it though because a photocopy is no use for anything legal.

Also op, I'd really advise you also start writing a diary if you haven't already - it's not for everyone but oh my goodness it has helped me and been my life saver.

I was advised to use the front of it as day to day things, how I was feeling, what had happened etc and in the back write down all the examples of times I felt mistreated. I couldn't believe how many there was writing it down.

Now I am at this stage of leaving but still having the attachment sort of thing, I have the diary to look back on. I started writing it a week after I left and I'm still going. Carrying on with examples in the back. It's so useful to have.

Thank you @endofthelinefinally, I’ll get sorted.

Sorry to spew more on here, I finally spoke to him after calling and texting him lots. Don’t ask me why, even though I know I’m needing to move on, I’ve had a sickly pit of worry about how he’s feeling in himself. So I did my usual trying to at least get an answer so I can move on with my day. This is why I feel ill, stressed and anxious as I don’t like the feeling of being ignored.

He’s just replied after I last texted telling him I’m so concerned that if he doesn’t reply I’ll check in by ringing the reception at his work. Sure enough he answered and was so snappy, telling me he’s busy at work and he can’t answer all these stupid calls, that I know he can’t answer. I just said to him all you had to do is text back and then I apologised and hung up.

At least I know he’s ok now! Still hurts and I’m mad at myself for being crazy chasing even though I didn’t want to!

Thanks @judoludo, I do also write in a notebook - I realise all my feelings and his awful behaviour have been going on for years!

It’s just now I’m seeing more and more he won’t change, if anything he’s getting worse, the ignoring and snappy attitude has been more recent, particularly at the DC too. You’re right when you said when I give in/ go back it’s gives him permission to be more mean.

I know what you mean about him ignoring you hurts you physically. Maybe he is stonewalling you? You can look it up and see if it fits what he is doing.

My OH does it and I find it so painful that I am pushed to force an argument, otherwise it goes on for days. If feels like popping a big spot, hurts while its red and angry, really hurts to squeeze it, and then when its pops I feel relief.

It hurts now but this is the worst. You know you want it to be better. It’s never going to change or it would have already. You have to be brave and push through. You don’t need all of those documents right now. Just your ID to book the solicitor. Book an appointment. Go talk to a solicitor about the facts of what you need to do. This will help you make a plan, this time next year you’ll be done

@Plainmain

Thanks *@judoludo*, I do also write in a notebook - I realise all my feelings and his awful behaviour have been going on for years!

It’s just now I’m seeing more and more he won’t change, if anything he’s getting worse, the ignoring and snappy attitude has been more recent, particularly at the DC too. You’re right when you said when I give in/ go back it’s gives him permission to be more mean.

They don't learn. When they realise you are serious and not coming back...well you need to prepare for that and stay strong because you know NOTHING will change. It might for a week, 2 weeks...a month...but eventually you would be back on here writing another post about how bad things are. It's not worth it.

Yes so very true @judoludo

The silent treatment and now the long text from him that I’ve really hurt him with MY anger and cruelty in our argument has mentally exhausted me. I cannot do right from wrong.

The silent treatment is a recognised sign of abuse. Helpful in your divorce.. Imo stop trying to engage. You are giving him power.
Enjoy the peace and make your own plans. Practice for the future.

I am confused is th silent treatment becuase he isnt responding to you when he is at work or just in general? Why are you calling him and texting him at work? I dont understand why your worried about what he is eating. I would lose the plot if i was getting multiple texts and calls from my OH when I am working.

You say your not happy, so focus on planning to separate.

oops typo not eating it should read how he is feeling