DH making me ill! How do I be brave and leave?

[Plainmain]

Following yet another argument last week where I admit I said hurtful things due to my frustration at DH lack of attention and love in our relationship, I think I’ve finally realised we can’t go on like this. We’re in separate bedrooms most of the time and this week he hasn’t spoken to me except with regards to DC school run, etc.

I’ve been unhappy for some time as he never engages with me and he is a workaholic, as a family we don’t do anything together as he’s always tired or focused on the tv, watching stuff only he wants to watch. No sexual relationship whatsoever for a long time, he makes me feel unattractive anyway to bother. I know he doesn’t care even though sometimes he says he does and he makes me out to be the cruel nagging partner. This is only due to his behaviour!

I know we are at the end of our marriage, I’m trying to be brave about it. But it really hurts. I desperately want to leave him but it feels so painful. His behaviour at the moment is tortuous. He’s not answering my calls to talk tonight. How do I cope with this next step of the marriage finally ending? I feel so low😢.

I don’t have a great relationship with my family and no friends I can talk to about this. Feel so alone which is why I finally posted on here.

@rogueone

I am confused is th silent treatment becuase he isnt responding to you when he is at work or just in general? Why are you calling him and texting him at work? I dont understand why your worried about what he is eating. I would lose the plot if i was getting multiple texts and calls from my OH when I am working.

You say your not happy, so focus on planning to separate.

I think it's because op is scared of her husband. She needs to know what mood he is in so she can prepare herself for when he comes in from work. No doubt she is always on edge and walking on eggshells as it were. It's a very scary place to be.

The constant calls to her husband is her trying to make herself feel better, put her mind at rest. She just wants everything to be ok. However it isn't going to help with things with her H as he will become annoyed as op has stated.

It's a never ending cycle and it is abuse unfortunately

Thank you for clarifying what I meant. The silent treatment has been unnerving. I don’t normally text that much but he made feel like I should be worried about his welfare.

Then I get told off in that call earlier and then a text that as usual criticises my behaviour from last week without acknowledging his own behaviour.

Again when I respond I get silence.

I’m investigating solicitors as he is playing mind games. It’s not that he’ll be violent but it’s this new silence alongside me feeling constantly belittled, unloved, dismissed, ignored, crazy that is sending me over the edge today.

I have previously made the mistake of telling him that I thought he was manipulative and abusive. It made him extremely angry and defensive and in denial. Then I get told I’m hurtful and cruel for saying he is these things when he thinks he’s not or that it’s actually me that is abusive.

Can you go somewhere else for the weekend? Ignore him. Play him at his own game

judoludo thanks for that. Totally get it.

Plainmain i think your emotional wellbeing will improve greatly when you separate from this man. I hope you can move forward with that in mind. Sounds very tough

@Plainmain

I have previously made the mistake of telling him that I thought he was manipulative and abusive. It made him extremely angry and defensive and in denial. Then I get told I’m hurtful and cruel for saying he is these things when he thinks he’s not or that it’s actually me that is abusive.

To be honest, it doesn't really matter who is in the wrong, your relationship seems to be well and truly at its end.

Just get things ready, one at a time, and once you've done that, take action.

Your kids are certainly better off with you splitting too

@Plainmain

I have previously made the mistake of telling him that I thought he was manipulative and abusive. It made him extremely angry and defensive and in denial. Then I get told I’m hurtful and cruel for saying he is these things when he thinks he’s not or that it’s actually me that is abusive.

I have done exactly the same op. I have told him he's controlling, emotionally manipulative, emotionally abusive...obviously he gets angry and refuses to accept that is what he is. You won't find an abuser that admits to being abusive.

I am learning to keep quiet, there's no point defending myself or getting him to try see what he is. Deep down I think my H knows what he is - a narcissist but he will never admit it

@judoludo they are aren’t they?

Thank you for all your comments everyone, I’m going to get children now, just reading through this thread has helped me see things even more clearly now. Still very scared and trying to pull away from him is hard😢.

See a solicitor - take all financial info. You need to know what will happen when you separate - where will you live, custody of the DCs, what money will you live on, share out pensions, savings etc. Once this step is taken and you have a picture of the future, rather than it being some scary unknown, you can calmly make plans.

One step at a time OP
Think of the bigger picture , when you and the kids have a happy none eggshell treading life with fun and happyness not silence and arguments and abuse.
you are stronger than you think!

@Plainmain

Thanks *@judoludo*, I do also write in a notebook - I realise all my feelings and his awful behaviour have been going on for years!

It’s just now I’m seeing more and more he won’t change, if anything he’s getting worse, the ignoring and snappy attitude has been more recent, particularly at the DC too. You’re right when you said when I give in/ go back it’s gives him permission to be more mean.

Hello @Plainmain

Please ensure that your communications, including your journal, are secure. Eg: change your passwords to your computer, email and Cloud accounts, pincode on your phone. Make the passwords unique but memorable to you and hard for him to guess. If your devices are linked with his, unsynch them or anything you do he'll become aware of. Clear down your browsing history after each session and/or use "Incognito" for private browsing. Also if you don't have separate bank accounts open one online for yourself, with a strong password, and start paying/transferring money into that.

Regarding your wedding certificate, maybe this will help:

www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

Good luck. 🌹

Thank you all, I’ll make sure I start getting everything together, you are so correct about passwords and joint things @Newestname002.

I’m probably going to come back on here to vent as I can’t in RL as no one to listen😢.

@Plainmain please do. I'm so proud of your strength.
I want to do the same - I'm in ecaxyy the same situation except it's my house, (partner moved in a year ago), my things. Not married. So it's much easier, but I've not found the strength. So reading yours - if you can do it so can I 👍👍👍👍