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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

70th Birthday Party

30 replies

Morag57 · 21/01/2022 08:09

I got married 5 years ago and my husband was 70 in 2021 and I have been organising a surprise 70th birthday party for him since 2019 but because of COVID have had to cancel three times. It is now happening in March and all he knows is that we are going out with a few friends for a meal. Originally it was for 80 guests but half of them are not attending now and I have 40 guests. I have booked and paid for the hotel, band, balloons, cake, limo, the guests have all booked rooms in the hotel and he has told me last night that if I have organised anything for his birthday that he will not attend and that I should cancel everything I have booked. I am devastated, and don’t know what to do. I can’t cancel anything. He says he is worried about money but if I cancel I will lose all the money I have spent. I am so down and will NEVER be able to see any of his friends again if I have to cancel this.

OP posts:

layladomino · 21/01/2022 08:18

If his concern is only about money, then explain to him it's already paid for, so cancelling it won't save any money.

Do you think it's all about the money? Does he have an aversion to parties or being the centre of attention?

Or do you have other problems, and it is manifesting in him not wanting to 'celebrate' with other people?

PinkMoon22 · 21/01/2022 08:20

Do you not think he just doesn't want a surprise?
Tell him.
It sounds amazing.

PinkMoon22 · 21/01/2022 08:20

Also tell him everything is already paid for so nothing further to pay out for

Original poster

Morag57 · 21/01/2022 08:40

Thank you for your comments all of you. I don’t know what is wrong with him because he is usually very sociable. I had Cancer and chemotherapy just before our wedding and he was so supportive and I just wanted to give him something to thank him for being such a wonderful person and share it with friends of which he has many. It has taken me a while to recover from the chemo and I have been fighting to get back to normal and this has given me a focus over the last couple of years but now I am totally broken.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2022 08:41

What is actually going on re him, there are reasons why he has made such a decision and my guess is that it is also not solely about money.

What will you do if he still chooses after more discussion to not attend what you've planned?.

ravenmum · 21/01/2022 08:49

Or maybe it is about the money and he doesn't know that you've booked something big, so doesn't realise it can't be cancelled? He might think you've just booked a restaurant and can easily cancel and save money. Tell him you have booked something and won't get the money back, and explain that you want to spend money on him to say thank you?

Esspee · 21/01/2022 08:53

So many seniors are avoiding gatherings because of the covid risk. Has this anything to do with it?

ravenmum · 21/01/2022 08:53

If he's still not keen, maybe you could get some of the money back, and just write off what you do have to spend, tell the guests that sorry, you're having to cancel it again for personal reasons. Why would that be embarrassing? It's already been cancelled before, they probably wouldn't think anything of it. Tell them you're doing something on his 80th instead and then never mention it again?

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 21/01/2022 09:18

You definitely need to talk it over with him. Otherwise the tension until March will be terrible and there is a real risk you’ll have to cancel last minute or he’ll go along with it but hate it which clearly isn’t your intention.

Some people hate surprises and prefer enjoying anticipated a nice event like the one you have planned.

It obviously means a lot after what you’ve been through but clearly he has to enjoy it for you to enjoy it. Good luck.

HazelBite · 21/01/2022 10:39

I know how he is feeling.
In December DH and DDIL threw a surprise 70th Birthday Party for me, lovely venue, lovely food, loads of family and friends all good but I was furious!
I had to plaster on a smile, whilst wearing a thick dress and Dr Marten boots (I thought we were going for a meal to a particularly draughty old pub)
I felt so blindsided, with my minimal makeup and unwashed hair. But they had gone to so much thought and trouble every last detail had been planned to the nth degree and I did sort of enjoy it.
But part of enjoyment is the looking forward to seeing friends and the actual occasion. I would have much preferred had DH and DDIL had said "No arguments, we are throwing you the Mother of all parties, we want to celebrate both you and your birthday"
I hated the being blindsided and I'm sure that your other half has got wind that something is in the offing (as I did!) but is nervous as to what you have planned!

Original poster

Morag57 · 21/01/2022 11:14

All very useful points. ,thank you all. Lots to consider and think about.

OP posts:

layladomino · 21/01/2022 11:43

You describe how wonderful he was when you were ill, which suggests a decent person and a good relationship.

But then his announcement sounds really unpleasant and unkind.

What's changed in the middle? By that I mean has he been his normal self until now, and this has come out of the blue? Or has he been moody / argumentative before?

Original poster

Morag57 · 21/01/2022 13:10

He can be very hurtful if we have a argument and says a lot of things that aren’t true just to hurt me. Afterwards he always says he didn’t mean any of it, so how am I suppose to believe anything he says like he loves me? I don’t know what to do. I got in touch with his best friend who knows him better than anyone and he said he would speak to him. He has just sent me a message saying that I should NEVER include his friends in our arguments!

OP posts:

Hbh17 · 21/01/2022 13:16

My husband of many years knows that if he ever books a surprise birthday party for me then I will divorce him. I'm not kidding. It is just so unreasonable to force a spouse into something you might like for yourself but they would not. Please respect his wishes.

Original poster

Morag57 · 21/01/2022 16:35

I just wanted to give him something special with all his friends and family around him, what’s wrong with that?

OP posts:

GrapefruitPink · 21/01/2022 16:36

@Morag57

I just wanted to give him something special with all his friends and family around him, what’s wrong with that?

Nothing, just it's sometimes someone's worst nightmare. Have you told him what you organised? If I knew before hand I'd be fine, surprise I think you'd be able to tell by my face I wouldn't happy.

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 21/01/2022 17:47

Nothing wrong with giving him a special time with family and friends. Why the need for a surprise if he wouldn’t like that?

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 21/01/2022 17:48

Unless he’s a nasty, controlling git in which case why bother?

Beebumble2 · 21/01/2022 20:20

@Morag57

Some people can be very sensitive about reaching 70, it can be seen as a negative mile stone birthday. However, if my DH ( who is 70) spoke to me and treated me like this, it would be a surprise divorce not a party.

layladomino · 22/01/2022 09:56

I can understand why he isn't happy that you spoke to his friend. I'd hate it if my DH confided in a my friend about something we'd disagreed over.

You say he can be very hurtful. Are there bigger issues in your relationship than the party disagreeement? Is he often unkind? Is he often argumentative?'

You need to get to the bottom of his objection to the party - lots of people are saying they'd be angry if someone planned a surprise party for them (I'm such person) but you haven't suggested that's the reason he's angry about it.

Is it really about money? Or is he just being arguementative and wanted to punish you in some way?

Because if he's just being mean for the sake of it / if he's regularly mean and argumentative / if he's unkind and disrespectful then you need to question why you're with him.

It sounds a bit like he's just trying to cause you upset and worry. If that's the case, he doesn't deserve you doing all that organising, and I'd just cancel (sorry you'll have lost some money) and tell people he found out about it and didn't want a party. Just be honest.

If he is a decent person, he will have a respectful and reasonable conversation with you about what his objections are. And when you tell him it's organised he'll be reasonable and come up with a plan with you.

Original poster

Morag57 · 23/01/2022 10:37

Layadomino - that is very helpful, thank you for you advice with this, I so appreciate it.

OP posts:

MermaidEyes · 23/01/2022 11:09

@Hbh17

Same here. I hate surprises. Why do people feel the need to force their own ideas of a good birthday onto others?
OP, if your husband already knew from the start that you were planning a big party then his behaviour now seems very unreasonable. However, if he genuinely just thought he was going out for a quiet evening and now he's realised he's got 40 guests to entertain then he's completely justified in being angry.

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/01/2022 11:51

Time to be conompketely upfront and tell him exactly what you've organised I think... see what he says after that. Oh and that you've already paid for everything so will lose the money

SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 13:13

I would be really s as noted if somebody arranged a surprise party for me. You need to respect his wishes and cancel

SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 13:13

Annoyed

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