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Original poster

Grandparents after divorce

47 replies

realsavagelike · 21/01/2022 03:15

I live outside the UK. I will be coming back to visit later this year with my dc and I am not on speaking terms with my ex in laws (they have had nothing at all to say to me since I divorced their abusive son out of whose ass the sun shines). I am pretty sure he is going to ask me to take them to see his parents. Does he have any right to do this or can he take a running jump?

OP posts:
DPotter · 21/01/2022 03:24

My gut reaction - his parents, his responsibility. And that doesn't mean he asks you. He takes the children to see his parents

TooBigForMyBoots · 21/01/2022 04:06

He can take them to see their grandparents. Why would he ask you to do it?

Original poster
realsavagelike · 21/01/2022 06:03

We are both outside the UK. He won't be there at the same time as the kids and I. He is choosing to go without them at another time.

OP posts:
layladomino · 21/01/2022 07:45

If he's choosing to go without them, then he can't be that bothered about them seeing them. So he can't use that against you.

I would normally say that you should encourage a positive relationship between children and GP post divorce (assuming that it's possible, ie the GP aren't toxic).

But in this case, as they have supported their abusive son, and ignored you since you split, I don't think you should feel any obligation to go out of your way and put yourself through the stress of seeing them.

Schoolchoicesucks · 21/01/2022 07:48

For me, it would depend whether the DC wanted to see them and how easy it would be to include a visit.

5 minutes from where you're staying and the kids love them - fine I'll take them round for an afternoon. 3 hour drive and the kids are indifferent - nope.

Subbaxeo · 21/01/2022 07:53

I would take them. Your children have a right to see their grandparents. I would do what I could to facilitate this as one day they won’t be there. Don’t let the understandable resentment you feel affect your children.

toomuchlaundry · 21/01/2022 07:55

Do your DC want to see them?

Goawayangryman · 21/01/2022 07:56

It's an 'absolutely no way' from me. His job. Why should you retraumatise yourself?

Branleuse · 21/01/2022 07:58

I think its his responsibility to take them to see his parents if thats what he wants. I wouldnt be taking them out of my way to see people who didnt like me. Their relationship with his side of their family is for him to facilitate

LaurieFairyCake · 21/01/2022 08:00

Of course you shouldn't take them if there is any chance they could be rude to you Confused

That would be much worse for the children

(And you don't HAVE to take them at all)

ChipButtyCurrySauce · 21/01/2022 09:28

His parents, his responsibility to facilitate contact.

Fl0w3ry · 21/01/2022 09:44

In your shoes, I wouldn’t take them to see them. Leave that job to your ex if he ever decides to visit with them. Don’t put yourself through it. Sounds like they haven’t treated you very well, your DC are unlikely to be missing much from people like that.

Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 09:51

His responsibility to manage any relationships between his dc ad his own dps. I am sure you have enough to juggle as it is.

FrenchBoule · 21/01/2022 09:53

Wants doesn’t get.
If your ex wants HIS kids to have relationship with HIS parents then he can facilitate that when kids are with him.

You say your ex in laws had nothing to say to you since you divorced. If they wanted to have relationship with their grandchildren they would stay in touch. Not getting in touch at all means they are not bothered about seeing them.

Your ex was abusive. Your relationship has changed and you have no obligations to him. He could take his kids to see his parents, he CHOSE to not to. He can’t dictate what you do on your time in UK(or anywhere else).

You have no obligation to your ex and his family.

Starseeking · 21/01/2022 09:58

Even though you've split, he still trying to dump wife work on you. NO.

He should be the one facilitating a relationship between his DC and his parents.

How convenient that when he comes to the UK he comes without the DC, so he isn't able to take them to see his parents. HE COULD CHOOSE TO BRING THEM, BUT HE CHOOSES NOT TO. THAT'S ON HIM.

Don't open yourself up to the abusive gaslighters, just enjoy your travels with your DC.

Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 09:59

No, I wouldn't facilitate a relationship between my children and someone who a. had no respect or common politeness towards their mother and b. supported and condoned abuse of them (abuse towards you IS abuse towards them).

I would just reply 'They've made it clear that they are not interested in maintaining a relationship with the children outside of your time, and have failed to show any indication that they can even be polite to the mother of their grandchildren. So no. However they think you are simply wonderful and do no wrong, and I'm sure that that means that they are not going to be disappointed when they expect such a wonderful son to make time as soon as possible to take their grandchildren to visit them. It's what amazing sons do, surely?'

Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 09:59

Oh and yes to wifework! FUCK THAT.

ravenmum · 21/01/2022 10:02

How about if you set aside a specific afternoon when they can come to you and see their grandchildren if they so desire?

Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 10:07

@ravenmum

How about if you set aside a specific afternoon when they can come to you and see their grandchildren if they so desire?
Why, though?
  • To show her children that she is the one that can be treated like shit by wider family and she'll still suck it up and facilitate arrangements for them all?
  • To take time out of her plans to encourage a relationship between her children and someone who actively sows division in their family? (good grandparents - REAL good grandparents - would be swallowing any personal dislike of OP for the childrens' sake - 'How lovely to see you and Mummy!')
  • To show her ex that she's still meek, mild and available to pick up the shitwork he doesn't want to do?
  • To give the message that if he fails his kids, it won't be on him - she'll help cover that up, so he can still pretend to be SuperDad?
  • To help prevent his parents maybe realising that no, he ISN'T the one prioritising his kids, and maybe they should re-think their opinion of what might have gone on, when they see that he's not willing to put himself out for either his children or them to have a relationship?

No.

Wiredforsound · 21/01/2022 10:11

@Subbaxeo

I would take them. Your children have a right to see their grandparents. I would do what I could to facilitate this as one day they won’t be there. Don’t let the understandable resentment you feel affect your children.
Nope, that’s her exes’ job. If he wants his children to have a relationship with his parents then he organises it. OP has no obligation to facilitate anything, particularly for people who have failed to treat her well. If the grandparents were so desperate to have a relationship with their grandkids they wouldn’t have behaved negatively towards their mother. That’s a no brainier.
Subbaxeo · 21/01/2022 10:14

I really do get what other posters are saying, I really do. However, I would want my children to have as many people in their lives who love them as possible so would try to make it possible if the ex doesn’t. I would try to facilitate the interests of my children irrespective of the actions of their father. And yes, I did do this when my exh and I divorced. I made sure they saw their only surviving grandparent and took them to visit him. I wasn’t a doormat or a martyr or doing my ex’s work-I just wanted my kids to know their grandparent. I think there was an earlier suggestion they visit you and see the children-would that be possible?

Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 10:19

My now ex ils never once contacted me about their dgc. Not once. If ex took them they saw them. They also thought he could do no wrong..

Ourlady · 21/01/2022 10:21

Absolutely not. Enjoy your trip to the UK and don’t give them a second thought.

ravenmum · 21/01/2022 10:23

Why, though?
So that she is the one making the offer (ideally before her ex mentions it), and she's in control of any visit, and can tell the gps to leave if they turn out to be e.g. rude. She then comes across as a reasonable person, and if they don't want to visit, or behave, then that's on them, not on her.
I don't see anything about the gps being abusive. They haven't spoken to her, presumably based on whatever their son is saying to them. He wants OP to be the horrible ex who hates his family. Why follow his narrative?

TheSnowyOwl · 21/01/2022 10:24

What do your DC want to do? Would he visit your parents if he came back to the U.K. with the children? It might be worth establishing expectations and agree on what’s acceptable now so you don’t have battles over it in the future.

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