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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Grandparents after divorce

47 replies

realsavagelike · 21/01/2022 03:15

I live outside the UK. I will be coming back to visit later this year with my dc and I am not on speaking terms with my ex in laws (they have had nothing at all to say to me since I divorced their abusive son out of whose ass the sun shines). I am pretty sure he is going to ask me to take them to see his parents. Does he have any right to do this or can he take a running jump?

OP posts:

Velvian · 21/01/2022 10:30

@Skeumorph, 100% agree, you have summed up the situation really well.

I could have done with your advice about 20 years ago.

BlingLoving · 21/01/2022 10:46

I think it depends on where on the venn diagram two key points overlap: Circle 1 is how much they love and have a relationship with your DC
Circle 2 is how inconvenient it would be for you to facilitate such a visit.

If it's relatively simple and they are grandparents who do love their DC, even if they're not wild about you, I'd probably do it. If i involves driving for 8 hours to spend 4 hours being ignored then driving 8 hours back, no matter how much my DC love them and are loved I'd probably refuse.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/01/2022 10:50

@Santahasjoinedww

My now ex ils never once contacted me about their dgc. Not once. If ex took them they saw them. They also thought he could do no wrong..

Well to be fair, why would they have any need to contact you about them if their father was in their lives and facilitating a relationship. My exes family haven't done so but it has never occured to me that they would.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/01/2022 10:54

@Schoolchoicesucks

For me, it would depend whether the DC wanted to see them and how easy it would be to include a visit.

5 minutes from where you're staying and the kids love them - fine I'll take them round for an afternoon. 3 hour drive and the kids are indifferent - nope.

This sums it up perfectly.

But with the caveat that any abuse or rudeness towards you and it will be “ok kids! Time to go now! Give granny and grandad a big hug and say goodbye!”

Starseeking · 21/01/2022 12:10

@Subbaxeo

I really do get what other posters are saying, I really do. However, I would want my children to have as many people in their lives who love them as possible so would try to make it possible if the ex doesn’t. I would try to facilitate the interests of my children irrespective of the actions of their father. And yes, I did do this when my exh and I divorced. I made sure they saw their only surviving grandparent and took them to visit him. I wasn’t a doormat or a martyr or doing my ex’s work-I just wanted my kids to know their grandparent. I think there was an earlier suggestion they visit you and see the children-would that be possible?

It doesn't sound like the grandparents love them that much, if they can't even be bothered to pick up the phone and ask their mother how they are.

Starseeking · 21/01/2022 12:24

@Skeumorph I can't quote your response to @ravenmum, but everything you wrote is exactly why the OP should not be going out of her way for this. I wholeheartedly agree with you.

Society expects women to lay down and be doormats for everyone, except themselves. How about OP put her mental health and well-being first for once...that's what I would champion.

Nothing is stopping the father from bringing his DC to see his parents, he just can't be arsed. OP really shouldn't be expected to make up for his shortcomings especially now they are no longer married.

c190 · 21/01/2022 12:25

To answer your question - he has every right to ask you to do it. You have every right to tell him no.

If I wasn't on speaking terms with somebody, there's no way I would spend some of my precious holiday time with them! Would he take the kids to visit your side of the family if he was visiting the UK with them? There is your answer...

theleafandnotthetree · 21/01/2022 12:30

But @Starseeking, presumably they pick up the phone and ring their son, the children's father and talk to HIM about them. This notion of the mother as the sole gatekeeper of information about their children is bizarre. My very nice ex inlaws never once phoned me after seperation to ask after the children, why would they?

Starseeking · 21/01/2022 12:38

@theleafandnotthetree

But *@Starseeking*, presumably they pick up the phone and ring their son, the children's father and talk to HIM about them. This notion of the mother as the sole gatekeeper of information about their children is bizarre. My very nice ex inlaws never once phoned me after seperation to ask after the children, why would they?

The mother is not the gatekeeper, however in her very first post OP says she is not on speaking terms with her ex's parents.

I'd expect grandparents who were bothered, to reach out by ringing OP to see how the DC are, maybe speak to them/FaceTime? Even 3 year olds can do that. It sounds like the DC spend the majority of their time with the OP, so yes, I would expect the grandparents to make the effort to engage with her, rather than the DC being delivered to their door like parcels.

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/01/2022 13:42

If you feel you should, then I would send them an email telling them your dates and then leave it up to them. Are the DC old enough that you could drop them off for a couple of hours and you not stay?

I don't think you're under any obligation to do this by the way, but it would indicate you're being grown up about the situation.

Ieatmarmite · 21/01/2022 13:47

When my DM & DF split up, my DM forbade any contact between me & my siblings and my paternal grandma. We were too young to understand the dynamics and I loved my grandma very much. 50 years later it still hurts that I never saw her again. In your shoes I would ask your ex to take them to visit grandparents.

Cameleongirl · 21/01/2022 13:52

If they want to see their GC, their son can let them know when you’re in the UK and they can contact you to see whether they can drive over and see their GC. You don’t need to put yourself out to make arrangements, especially given they haven’t bothered staying in contact with their GC. If health reasons prevent them from coming to you and you’re feeling generous enough to drive, fair enough. But it’s really not your responsibility.

AnguaResurgam · 21/01/2022 13:54

How old are the DC?

I wouid arrange for them to see their DGPs, but in a way that means you don't have to join in. So meet somewhere, handover the DC, and you go off and have a while doing something that's just for you

gsaoej · 21/01/2022 13:55

"exMIL and exFIL do not speak to me so I will not be visiting them"

Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 14:11

You do know the best bit about him being an ex is ignoring him right?

Sillydoggy · 21/01/2022 14:24

Grandparents who dislike mum will often take it out on the children. Maintaining a relationship for the children's sake is fine if they really care for them but in my experience it is a chance for the gps to make mean remarks and make everyone feel uncomfortable. What would a visit actually feel like? Would it be a fun afternoon where the loving gps spoil the grandchildren or would it be a tense visit used to score points? It's important to be realistic about what is actually on the table. You only have a responsibility to your self and your children now.

Goawayangryman · 21/01/2022 17:51

@Subbaxeo meh. Love doesn't necessarily come from blood. Love comes from doing and showing and being respectful.

My exes' parents remain in contact with my children because he does the facilitating and driving etc. No way am I doing it, because they cut me dead after our relationship broke down and I'm not sure they treat both of my children equally. One is much more like their father, the other much more like me. Guess which one is favoured!

Anyway, that's by the by. Absolutely it is not your job to do the wifework here because you are no longer a wife, and thank god for that.

Toomanypeople · 21/01/2022 20:12

If DC want to see them I would try to visit. If they aren't bothered then no

Original poster

realsavagelike · 21/01/2022 22:11

Thanks everyone. The situation is basically this. Exh is taking a trip to the UK with his new wife before my planned trip and hasn't offered any of the dc to join him because it is 'too expensive'. Before he planned his trip, he knew I was intending to go to the UK this year and would be bringing my children (because they are with me the vast majority of the time). He has form for being extremely tight with money as well as a cheeky bastard, so will think nothing of trying to pressure and guilt me into paying homage at his parents' house. They live about 2 hours from where I intend to stay. For those people who asked, hell would freeze over before he took the kids to visit my family if the situation were reversed (which it will never be - see aforementioned tightness with money). The grandparents speak occasionally on Facetime with the kids and I would be very surprised if they asked to go visit.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 21/01/2022 22:27

In that case, you can tell the GPs that the DC will be available in the place you are visiting.

If they're keen to see their DGC, they'll leap at the chance.

If they carp, then you tell them that is all that fits in with your plans, and that perhaps they should make arrangements instead with their son

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 22:34

🤣

I would tell him if he reimburses 50% of all the DC travel costs to the UK you will make them available to his parents for 24 hours in the town where you are staying.

He'll be too tight to pay.

Jk24 · 21/01/2022 22:37

I would offer them to visit you where you're staying for half a day. I wouldn't be driving 2 hours away

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