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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will I ever be happy with a nice guy?

28 replies

WoodSageandSeasalt · 20/01/2022 23:24

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months, he’s really decent, good fun, kind and thoughtful. He texts every day and we talk or meet up regularly - I never have to worry about him letting me down. He’s interested in me as a person and also finds me attractive, in fact he thinks I’m amazing 😳 He’s not really my type physically but the sex is surprisingly good and we’ve got shared interests and values.

Trouble is a lot of the time I just feel stifled and even a bit irritated by him. He also wants things to move a bit faster than I’m comfy with eg meeting kids and friends, going on holiday etc.

It’s so frustrating, I’ve been single for a couple of years after a very painful breakup and on paper he could be just what I need but I’m not sure it’s enough. My ex (and others previously) was a total bastard but I had such a strong attraction to him. Sex with him wasn’t that great but it felt more real although physically it’s much better with the current guy.

I don’t want to hurt him and my heart sinks at the thought of going back to the dating world or being lonely on my own which I very much have been. I just feel like staying with him would be settling (which I’ve done before and don’t want to repeat) but am I expecting too much? He ticks a lot of boxes and it could be everything I want but something is stopping me. I honestly wonder if I’ve lost the ability to feel for someone like I did about my ex but maybe I’m kidding myself and I’m just not that into him.

OP posts:
Toffeepieandcream · 20/01/2022 23:34

I've been in this exact situation...I could have written it. I ended the relationship a year ago and I still don't know of I made a mistake but I couldn't let it drag on knowing that I wasn't giving him enough and I felt guilty. I would suggest giving it another month or so. He sounds like a good man who you can trust. I did wonder with mine of the excitement wasn't there because I was so used to being on the edge and never quite knowing if I was enough. When it's the other way round , it can feel weirdly unnerving!

Do you do nice things like go away for weekends? Do your family and friends like him?

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/01/2022 00:02

If you feel stifled by and irritated with a man you see for fun times, what, once or twice a week? after two months, can you imagine how much worse it’ll be when you’re going through all life’s niggles together?

The male population isn’t divided into two categories of “dicks who are sexy and engaging” and “nice men who don’t give you a spark”: there will be men out there who are both nice and interesting and also who you fancy and can’t wait to see again. But you aren’t going to find those men if you think that just having somebody is better than being single for a bit longer.

It also isn’t fair to prevent him from meeting somebody who thinks the world of him and can’t wait to see him again, when that’s clearly what he also wants.

villamariavintrapp · 21/01/2022 00:07

Yeh, stifling and irritating isn't good. But try to consider what the 'attraction' you felt for your ex really was? Was it sexual attraction? Was it the adrenaline rush of being with someone unpredictable? Was it actually anxiety? Maybe what you're considering attraction isn't something worth choosing?

Pinkbonbon · 21/01/2022 01:25

Not really sure what about this guys seems nice when you are just a few months in and he is talking about meeting your kids and making you feel stifled op. He sounds like a love bomber.

You'll find a genuinely nice guy who you actually like enough if you set better boundaries for yourself. And learn red flags of narcissists because I actually wouldn't be surprised if Mr so called nice guy here was one. They often seem completely the opposite to the abusive ex...in the beginning.

But your instincts are already telling you that there's something up because you're not feeling this relationship is right for you. Listen to that gut reaction, stop ignoring it. Or then will you fins live with the right person instead of wasting time with the wrong ones.

Pinkbonbon · 21/01/2022 01:27

*only then will you find love

GrandmasCat · 21/01/2022 01:28

You don’t like him as much as you think. Try to think of him as “he is a good man and will make a wonderful husband to another woman” and move on, you just need to keep him because he is “good”, he is not good for you and that’s the end of it, even your body is telling you he is not the one for you.

HeddaGarbled · 21/01/2022 01:35

The male population isn’t divided into two categories of “dicks who are sexy and engaging” and “nice men who don’t give you a spark”: there will be men out there who are both nice and interesting and also who you fancy and can’t wait to see again. But you aren’t going to find those men if you think that just having somebody is better than being single for a bit longer

So true. It’s such an insulting and sexist dichotomy. The equivalent of the Madonna/whore thing.

Original poster
WoodSageandSeasalt · 21/01/2022 07:54

It’s not that I think sticking with him is better than being alone, it’s more that I don’t trust my own feelings. It’s as though I’m looking for the impossible because he’s mostly what I’ve been looking for but it still doesn’t make me happy. I think I’m too messed up and not sure it’s fair to him to be with someone who doesn’t know what they want.

OP posts:
Catcrazy83 · 21/01/2022 08:00

You’re just not that into him. You can fake it with him, but you can’t kid your self. Move on

Iamnotamermaid · 21/01/2022 08:18

So is it the fact you are still not 100% sure but he is and wanting to move things along too quickly (for you) which is irritating you. Maybe you are being a bit quick off the mark to write this off. Have you asked him to just slow down a bit? Maybe try a weekend away together to see how it goes.

I have found nice blokes tend to be more of a slow burner as they don't have that instant attraction that all bastards seem to have (maybe it is a confidence thing).

layladomino · 21/01/2022 08:46

If you aren't that in to him but aren't sure why, I'd listen to your gut.

It may be that you need more time along, or some counselling, before setting out on a relationship.

Perhaps it's time to be honest with him. Explain you think he's great but you aren't ready to move things at the pace he wants, so you either need to slow things right back down, or to split up. If he's a decent bloke, as you say he is, then he will respect this and show some understanding. If he sulks, or continues to push your boundaries, then he isn't so decent and you will feel more confident ending it.

And I echo pp, you don't have to be a bad boy to be sexy and charismatic. There are plenty of decent, kind, thoughtful, attractive, sexy men out there.

If you think it's that YOU equate bad boy with sexy, then that's something that counselling could help you work around.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2022 08:53

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your own dad similar to some of your ex's?.

Do you on some level equate nice with dull and perhaps boring?. I am wondering if you actually think deep down you're not good enough for him.

I would read this article:-www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-boy-lovers/. Baggage Reclaim is a good website anyway. Reassess your own boundaries here and work on those more particularly if abusive types have chipped away at those.

Lovemusic33 · 21/01/2022 08:55

This sounds like most of my relationships, I am now on my own. I just can’t find anyone that doesn’t annoy me, I quite like my own company but also get lonely, I have had several relationships over the the past 6 years after leaving dh, most have ended because when things get more serious they end up annoying me or I just don’t want things to move on too the next level. I think I will possibly be single forever, I’m sure I have probably dumped several decent men just because I can’t cope with them being around me too much. Or maybe I just haven’t found anyone I click with?

Original poster
WoodSageandSeasalt · 21/01/2022 12:03

I think it's very much my issue - my dad is lovely but not the most sensible of people so that's an interesting point. By contrast my ex-husband was extremely sensible and as far from a 'bad boy' as you can get so I'm very conscious of not choosing someone like that again which is perhaps unfair to current bloke.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoodSageandSeasalt · 21/01/2022 12:08

I think women confuse bad-boy behaviour and “Alpha-male” potential. We mate with the rebellious ones because they seem strong carriers of Alpha genes… But when you scratch the surface of a bad boy’s veneer, you’ll see underneath a pack of insecurities and weaknesses that are less than exciting. Bad boys dump good girls because they know that–if they were to stay in the relationship–the good girl would grow disgusted by the reality beneath the veneer and walk out. Bad boys don’t really like themselves, which is why they’re so hateful of others–they project their self-hatred outward. So, ladies, don’t date a prince–date a king. Date someone who is truly strong and worthy.

This is so true from the website linked above...

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 21/01/2022 12:17

Perhaps it would be kinder to let him go, he can hopefully find someone that can love him and appreciate him fully for what he is. And hopefully you can do the same. Give yourself enough time to work out what you really want in a man.

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 21/01/2022 12:18

I could have written this EXACT post word for word. I tried to settle with him even though he was irritating me from day one because he was a nice guy. I managed to keep it up for just under a year before I let him go, at the time I cried and cried and dreaded being alone again but 2 months later I'm actually happier than I was when I was with him because I'm no longer living a lie. If there's no spark - let him go.

scousemousex · 21/01/2022 12:38

You're not messed up OP. I've been in similar and recently broken things off with a nice guy for similar reasons - but I've had "the spark" and now I'm just not prepared to settle without it.

There has to be someone out there that treats us right and that we treat with mutual respect and love, and equally that we fancy the pants off. Surely! That's what I'm holding out for, anyway.

Bouledepetanque · 21/01/2022 17:05

Have a look at this maybe?

Original poster
WoodSageandSeasalt · 22/01/2022 08:02

Omg that video is spot on! It’s literally what my life is like and how I think - really interesting!

OP posts:
Toffeepieandcream · 22/01/2022 15:46

That group, The School of Life, have also published a brilliant book called 'How to find love', it's the best and most enlightening book I have ever read. I'd thoroughly recommend to anyone in this position. I have to keep going back and reading bits to remind myself to try not to fall back into familiar patterns.

Toffeepieandcream · 22/01/2022 15:47

Sorry I m ant the group that produced that video are called The School of Life

totallyoutnumbered · 22/01/2022 16:19

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your own dad similar to some of your ex's?.

Do you on some level equate nice with dull and perhaps boring?. I am wondering if you actually think deep down you're not good enough for him.

I would read this article:-www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-boy-lovers/. Baggage Reclaim is a good website anyway. Reassess your own boundaries here and work on those more particularly if abusive types have chipped away at those.

This link is brilliant. Something all young women should read and one I wish I'd read 20 years ago. I could never figure out why I went for the bad boys. Totally harks back to My first serious boyfriend, the inevitable highs and lows. Rinse and repeat. I ended up marrying one. Now 5 years separated and with the kindest men I've ever met who turns me on the second he walks into the room
HelpWendy · 22/01/2022 20:16

I always think if you label someone a ‘nice guy’, it immediately suggests some sort of settling or unconscious recognition that he’s not meeting some of your needs, by being ‘nice’

HelpWendy · 22/01/2022 20:16

If you really like someone, I don’t think you’d ever label them a nice guy, even if they were.