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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on what to do

41 replies

nojudgementwanted · 20/01/2022 17:18

I know it's unlikely because this is Mumsnet but no judgement is required and any negative or nasty comments will be ignored.

I've been with my husband for 22 years (no other family or children) but have fallen in love with a man I've been having an affair with for the last 18 months.

He's also married with grown up children

We are now at a point in our affair where we really cannot cope being apart from each other.

I'm all the family my husband has. And if I choose to leave I am leaving security, our home and our pets. Our marriage is 'familiarity' because we have been together for so long. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and therefore we haven't been intimate for a very long time (even before my affair started)

If my lover leaves his wife, he is going to be instantly disowned by both his parents and children.

However, when we are together the adoration for each other is second to none. He absolutely worships me and I am at my happiest when I am in his company.

I guess what I'm asking is what would you do?

A) Carry on the affair and have the best of both worlds (security with the husband but happiness with the lover)?

B) Stop the affair and go back to a mundane life of housework and an alcoholic husband who won't admit to having a drink problem?

C) Own up to the affair, leave the husband, take the fallout/fights/arguments and give a new life with the lover a chance?

As I said at the start of this post no judgement is required and any negative or nasty comments will be ignored

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Lockedoorsopen · 20/01/2022 17:21

You both have to end your marriages for the sake of the other people. Its not fair that you both are cheating on them, they deserve to be with people who are honest

And take the fall out

Shoxfordian · 20/01/2022 17:24

Option C

Ozziewoz · 20/01/2022 17:26

Personally, I would separate from your husband. If you were just feeling stuck in a rut eith him, I’d suggest therapy for you both to try at least. Because of the affair though, I feel as though revealing this would cause more damage to the people involved. Maybe then spend some time looking after yourself, and evaluating what you want from life.
It’s about psychology in short. Don’t leave a man for a man. Leave a relationship for you. Find out who you are, look after yourself and if the ‘other chap ‘ wants to eventually join you then all well and good. If you leave your husband and then five straight in, you face the wrath. If you leave your husband and the other guy goes not do the same, then you may feel differently about your whole situation.

LeifSan · 20/01/2022 17:26

D. End your marriage and leave your affair partner.

JSL52 · 20/01/2022 17:28

Leave husband , irrespective of the affair you're not happy.
Set up on your own.
Are you sure your AP would actually leave his wife ?

chickenninja · 20/01/2022 17:36

I agree with @LeifSan but you won't do that. You'll do C. But all that 'adoration' you have with your other man will fade.

He'll have bad habits, the shine will ware off and you'll wonder if he's cheating on you now.
You'll have bad habits and he'll start to resent you because he gave up his family for you.

Why didn't you give option D? Leave your husband but stop the affair? You win in every scenario don't you

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/01/2022 17:39

How about get rid of the alcoholic because he's a fucking alcoholic and then regroup, rather than dashing headlong into bed and living with the boyfriend?

If nothing else, leaving for another man will trigger the binge of all binges and constant focusing on that rather than the shit you've been put through for years.

JDaytona · 20/01/2022 17:41

@LeifSan

D. End your marriage and leave your affair partner.

This.

Suzanne999 · 20/01/2022 17:41

I’d go for C. But I’ve lived with an alcoholic husband so I know the shit that brings……

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 17:42

I'd bet my house your "lover" will never willingly leave his wife, and he will choose her over you, every time. Be prepared to be alone.

WineThenMisletoe · 20/01/2022 17:43

D

Liveandlove91 · 20/01/2022 17:44

@LeifSan gotta agree with your comment leave both of them your husband doesn't deserve that nor does bit on sides wife and children !! Do the right thing

Bluebluemoon39 · 20/01/2022 17:45

Has he said he's going to leave his wife? There's no mention of that in your OP.

My guess is when you end things with your dh and tell your lover your ready to be with him for good - he'll run for the hills.

FindingMeno · 20/01/2022 17:46

Take a break from both.

thenewduchessoflapland · 20/01/2022 17:50

You're really unhappy in your marriage so leave but do it for you and only you;don't do it for this other man.

draramallama · 20/01/2022 17:55

However, when we are together the adoration for each other is second to none. He absolutely worships me and I am at my happiest when I am in his company.

Presumably though that's because you don't have any of the mundane elements of daily life in this relationship? It's an escapist fantasy relationship and it wouldn't be like that anymore in Option C.

I couldn't countenance options A or B and you clearly aren't happy with them either or you wouldn't be posting. But I don't think C is very realistic.

2022sucksalready · 20/01/2022 17:59

@Aquamarine1029

I'd bet my house your "lover" will never willingly leave his wife, and he will choose her over you, every time. Be prepared to be alone.
This. But honestly, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to face up to the fact your marriage is already essentially over. It can’t be healthy for either yourself or your husband.
SunflowerTed · 20/01/2022 18:02

I think when it comes to crunch time he will choose his family over you

Shelaydownunderthetable · 20/01/2022 18:03

Hmmmm. If you hadn’t met this other man, would you want to leave your husband anyway? Or would you stay for the security or out of guilt, despite his functioning alcoholism? I have a lot of sympathy for you and I think anyone who presses you on owing your husband honesty maybe doesn’t know what it’s like to live with someone with substance misuse issues. I mean, yeah, obviously you should be honest. Everyone deserves honesty in their relationship. Cheating isn’t fair. But neither is being abandoned in your marriage by someone who refuses to acknowledge the impact their drinking is having on the person who should be most important to them. I imagine you’re pretty lonely in your marriage. I might be mistaken there. But in my experience partners of alcoholics always come second to drink, and over time it takes its toll.

I would start by asking yourself what you’d do if this other man wasn’t in the picture, because you can’t rely on him to be there if you do choose to leave. And if he does leave - it might not be the same as it is now. Danger and the taboo nature of affairs are a power aphrodisiac.

Get some therapy to help if you can?

I wouldn’t come clean about the affair yet. What does anyone have to gain from it at this point? Not to say you shouldn’t ever come clean. But once the cats out of bag, there’s no way to usher it back in.

toppkatz · 20/01/2022 18:04

E. End your marriage, and find somewhere to live on your own.

Your affair partner needs to be responsible for his own decision on whether or not to leave his family.

sassbott · 20/01/2022 18:13

Zero judgement. Your marriage sounds incredibly lonely and lacking, I see no reason to stay.

Your AP will lose his family and children. That is beyond immense. And something I would think of very carefully in terms of longer term happiness. The gloss will eventually wear off this affair, every person becomes eventually becomes mundane (I mean Christ out there is a woman divorcing Jason mamoa/ a man divorcing Lisa bonet). What I would think very carefully about is how your AP will feel when you hit your first rough spot. Or major argument. Will he think he gave us his family for you? Will he say as much to your face?

So in summary. I think you should leave your marriage because it isn’t making you happy. But not for your AP. And stop seeing your AP.

Give it 6 months - a year. And if your AP has independently also left his wife/ family because he is unhappy. Then you may stand a chance.

I categorically would not leave my marriage for an AP. Especially one who stands to lose so much. I’m sorry but I would not want to live with that, it feels far too much of a weight to carry.

SoManyTshirts · 20/01/2022 18:31

Option C - leave your husband, but let your affair partner make his own decision. That choice should not include the option to continue deceiving his family.

Figgyboa · 20/01/2022 19:36

Option D. Leave your husband, start afresh on your own.

Momijin · 20/01/2022 21:14

Leave your husband but don't expect your AP to leave his wife.

It isn't fair on your spouses what you're doing.

Anan1212 · 21/01/2022 03:12

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