Advice on what to do

[nojudgementwanted]

I know it's unlikely because this is Mumsnet but no judgement is required and any negative or nasty comments will be ignored.

I've been with my husband for 22 years (no other family or children) but have fallen in love with a man I've been having an affair with for the last 18 months.

He's also married with grown up children

We are now at a point in our affair where we really cannot cope being apart from each other.

I'm all the family my husband has. And if I choose to leave I am leaving security, our home and our pets. Our marriage is 'familiarity' because we have been together for so long. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and therefore we haven't been intimate for a very long time (even before my affair started)

If my lover leaves his wife, he is going to be instantly disowned by both his parents and children.

However, when we are together the adoration for each other is second to none. He absolutely worships me and I am at my happiest when I am in his company.

I guess what I'm asking is what would you do?

A) Carry on the affair and have the best of both worlds (security with the husband but happiness with the lover)?

B) Stop the affair and go back to a mundane life of housework and an alcoholic husband who won't admit to having a drink problem?

C) Own up to the affair, leave the husband, take the fallout/fights/arguments and give a new life with the lover a chance?

As I said at the start of this post no judgement is required and any negative or nasty comments will be ignored

Thanks for reading

What does om think about it all? He has more to lose, emotionally and financially.

Divorce your husband for any reason you like. No fault divorces become a thing in April I think.

Do you really want to be the cause of your partner having little contact with his children, future grandchildren, his extended family for the rest of your life? Do you honestly think when the dust settles he’ll see your ‘sacrifices’ as the same as his own?

Leave your husband, absolutely, then make it on your own. If he follows then it’s his choice, I suspect he won’t.

Leave them both.
You've both got excuses as to why you shouldn't end your marriages. If you truly believed everything you've said you'd both be willing to take that risk.

Option A is kicking the can down the road and living a half life imo.

I don't blame you for not being happy and I, myself, would not stay with an alcoholic or a sexless marriage.
I'd go for C which may in reality end up being D.
Life is short so if you love him be with him. My fave place in the house is my hall as its where I greet my husband/he greets me when one of us has been out.. coming home to him is just the.best. feeling.
That said, I think that it's really hard to see or know what life will be like once you are "public" in your relationship- because secrets can bind us and create a bit of an us vs them fake world.
you will both have to deal with some of the common Problems blended families bring and that strains things. Resentment from kids, awkward family events, friction as he spends too much on them/in the divorce, unfair treatment, not enough attention to x, too much attention to y

Leave your husband be with who you want life is short

D. Leave husband, stay away from affair. If he's that miserable and not just having his cake and eating it he would have separated from his wife.

As others have said…option D. Leave the husband, and start afresh. Stay away from your AP. You’ll soon know if he’s going to leave his wife. If you do end up together at some point, it may be wonderful. Or it may be strained and difficult because you’re both going to be carrying baggage that hasn’t been dealt with, and ties to others aren’t easily broken or ignored, even if there is no contact.

Leave your husband but be prepared to be alone or just an affair on the side.

Adoration is not real life and is usually a red flag. Has OM had other affairs before?

…and give a new life with the lover a chance?

A new life as his mistress?

Is he actually telling you that he will leave his marriage? He claims that he’ll be
‘instantly disowned’ by his parents and adult children if he leaves, so he has that loophole to use to avoid following through. It’s ironic, though, that he doesn’t seem to mind humiliating his wife by lying and cheating, which will cause untold devastation when discovered.

Prioritize honesty and integrity. Use your agency to end your marriage and this illicit relationship. They are both destructive. Establish a stable, independent life. If OM eventually ends his marriage and stabilizes in his own home, you can reevaluate the lay of the land. Honestly, though, I would consider him a very bad bet.

@MsDogLady

…and give a new life with the lover a chance?

A new life as his mistress?

Is he actually telling you that he will leave his marriage? He claims that he’ll be
‘instantly disowned’ by his parents and adult children if he leaves, so he has that loophole to use to avoid following through. It’s ironic, though, that he doesn’t seem to mind humiliating his wife by lying and cheating, which will cause untold devastation when discovered.

Prioritize honesty and integrity. Use your agency to end your marriage and this illicit relationship. They are both destructive. Establish a stable, independent life. If OM eventually ends his marriage and stabilizes in his own home, you can reevaluate the lay of the land. Honestly, though, I would consider him a very bad bet.

Exactly this. If he was that scared of the repercussions he wouldn't have the affair.

Good excuse to string you along though.

You need to leave your husband. I wouldn't be factoring the affair into that decision at all.
Who knows if the affair would then work out?

Ditch the alcoholic first if you leave for this valid reason and it does not work out with other man then you left for a sensible reason not on the off chance something may work out with OM he may well not even be interested when you are actually free
Or when you see him all the time with less drama the shine may well go quickly
Leave because you need to leave not to run into someone’s arms

Honest answer, I wouldn't go with any of those options.

They will all end up with unhappiness and heartache.

Would you really want to be with a man who has given up his children to be with you? If he's willing to do that, then he isn't a good person.

But nor should you have to stay in a dead marriage with an alcoholic. Whatever happens with your affair partner, you would do well to leave your marriage.

From an outside perspective, based on reason and logic (and life experience), leave the marriage, drop the bf and take time to heal.

If your bf decides then to leave his wife, you might in the future get together and be happy. If he doesn't, he was never goingt to anyway.

Thank you for all your advice - some helpful, some not!

I think I'm going to leave the husband when I find the courage to take the next step on my journey - it's the leaving familiarity into the unknown that's the scary part to me.

Like the majority of you say there's no guarantee he will leave his wife and family and it probably won't be all romance and roses with us in the future.

I think I just need find happiness within myself first and then see what happens

All replies appreciated x

You're desperately sad, lonely, and feeling the weight of responsibility to take care of (or at least not abandon) your alcoholic husband. It's no surprise you've been tempted away by the comfort someone else brings. It's not excitement or a bit of fun, it's comfort, reassurance, I know.

The thing you have to force into your mind is that you need to make a decision to leave your marriage entirely for you, not for OM. If he really wants you and you want him, the only option is that you both leave your marriages. For me personally, I wouldn't want to live with the feeling that my new partner has given up his whole family for me, it will always be the elephant in the room whether things go wrong or stay good.

But please seriously consider leaving your marriage to be fair to yourself and to your husband. Nobody should be trapped into a relationship out of guilt or obligation if it makes them so unhappy. After that, you can start to make decisions about what else you do with your life. Good luck OP.

Leave both of them. You're all living a lie. Your respective partners doesn't deserve this, nor do the children, adult or not. I expect even if you leave your husband, your AP will find an excuse not to leave his poor wife.

Either way your marriage is over, why prolong the fallout