Ex partner is making me life a misery

[Chowbella123]

We split 5 years ago. I ended up in a women's refuge. He was emotionally, mentally and financially abusive. Even after the relationship has ended he still managed to find ways to get at me/control me.

His parenting style is different to mine which i accept. However, i've told him certain things we need to both agree on to keep our DS life stable such as bedtimes, DS medicine, screen time etc.

We spoke on the phone last week after we tried to put differences aside and try co parent. I had said that our DS needs to have a similar bedtime routine as when he comes back from his my DS can never settle and wakes in the night often (DS is 5 almost 6).

I tried my hardest to get DS to sleep well as it affects both me and him but his dad's lack of routine affects him. He still co sleeps with our DS and lies to me about it. Get our DS not to tell me as he knows this is going against what we both agreed on previously. A friend of mine has just sent me a screenshot of exes profile of our DS sleeping in his bed, although ex was trying to make out he snuck in his bed in the morning- it was clear to me he had not eg. DS pillow was in there and all his cuddlies, DS wakes up at 6 and never goes back to sleep especially when other people are up.

Other instances- DS requires medication for asthma and reflux. Previously i've found out via DS that ex does not regularly give this medication. When I confront ex he gets defensive, just says he forgot etc. But i mean this is very important!

DS came back to mine the other day with his ipad from exes house. I had a quick scan on screen time- its regularly over 8 hours every time hes at his house overnight. Fair enough i'm not condoning playing on games but its more the frustration that he makes out hes dad of the year and does this and that when in actual fact he puts DS in front of a screen and regularly gets his mum to look after our DS so he can do his own hobbies.

What can i do about this man!? I thought our conversation last week was respectful and civil. He seemed to take on points i made and i thought all was good. Then i see this screenshot and actually he doesn't seem to care.

You can't control if he's co-sleeping op. I know you don't agree with that but it's not harmful and it's really his choice.

Don't mention that...choose your fights. Re. the medicine, I'd text him every time the medication was due and if he didn't like that then I'd suggest an app for him to keep track.

Re the computer time...not ideal but not much you can do about it. It would be more beneficial for you personally to let go of these things you can't control because it will only stress you out.

The thing about the co-sleeping is that you need to lose the idea that you are right and XP is wrong. Co-sleeping is something parents get to make up their own minds about. Trying to micromanage how he looks after DC when you are not there is generally a bad idea - at the very least it's a waste of energy.

@FortunesFave

You can't control if he's co-sleeping op. I know you don't agree with that but it's not harmful and it's really his choice.

Don't mention that...choose your fights. Re. the medicine, I'd text him every time the medication was due and if he didn't like that then I'd suggest an app for him to keep track.

Re the computer time...not ideal but not much you can do about it. It would be more beneficial for you personally to let go of these things you can't control because it will only stress you out.

The sleeping is harmful though. Its shown that children that co sleep when older are more anxious and my DS is already a bit anxious. He gets scared in his room and doesn't ever like to be alone. It affects his sleep and that can't be good for his health either

You can't tell him how to parent. Well, you can TELL him but he doesn't have to listen. He has just as much rights as you to decide on the parenting. You'll never be able to control what he does, so unless it's plain abuse (that you can prove in court) you need to let this go.

The only “real” problem/ issue you have here is the failure to give the required medication.
As others have said.

The sleeping is harmful though. Its shown that children that co sleep when older are more anxious

Where is this shown? Genuine question as I have always seen research suggesting the reverse.

Medicine is the only thing you should be making a fuss over here. The rest is just different views on parenting.

Pick your battles, focus on the medicine.

As long as there is no partner, the co-sleeping is fine.

The sleeping is harmful though. Its shown that children that co sleep when older are more anxious and my DS is already a bit anxious. He gets scared in his room and doesn't ever like to be alone. It affects his sleep and that can't be good for his health either

Hmm, I'd be dubious about that. Does co-sleeping cause the anxiety, or is it just that more anxious children are more likely to want the comfort of co-sleeping with a parent?

Either way I don't think you can enforce a no co-sleeping rule. Your ex knows you don't like it. He's going to do it anyway. You both know you're not going to be able to force the issue. I'd err on the side of not giving him the satisfaction of knowing it's getting to you. Same goes for the screens.

With the medication is this something your son takes as and when necessary (like an inhaler) or is it something that has to be taken at a set time through the day? I know he's only little and it shouldn't be his responsibility, but if it's "every lunchtime" or something is your son able to remind his dad?

Finally, why is your friend shit-stirring by sending you your ex's FB profile pictures when presumably you have him blocked or unfriended and for good reason?

Yes I think you need to let go of everything apart from the medication. The others are parenting choices - not choices you would have gone for (and with cosleeping I would say anxious children are more inclined to rather than it causing children to be anxious)

Why are friends sending you screenshots of this.

Focus on the medication - this is the thing he needs to do

I am not trying to control him in anyway. We had a discussion, all i said was can we make our bedtime routine more similar as it must be hard for our DS to have different routines. I said i've been trying really hard to get DS to sleep in his room and without waking up in the night and calling me for no reason. I just feel all this has been undone. He agreed with me on the phone, i didn't push it down his neck.

Also our DS is not very independant. Ex does everything for him, its not good for his well being down the line.

heres one study:
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10802-017-0387-1

@RocketAndAFuckingMelon

The sleeping is harmful though. Its shown that children that co sleep when older are more anxious and my DS is already a bit anxious. He gets scared in his room and doesn't ever like to be alone. It affects his sleep and that can't be good for his health either

Hmm, I'd be dubious about that. Does co-sleeping cause the anxiety, or is it just that more anxious children are more likely to want the comfort of co-sleeping with a parent?

Either way I don't think you can enforce a no co-sleeping rule. Your ex knows you don't like it. He's going to do it anyway. You both know you're not going to be able to force the issue. I'd err on the side of not giving him the satisfaction of knowing it's getting to you. Same goes for the screens.

With the medication is this something your son takes as and when necessary (like an inhaler) or is it something that has to be taken at a set time through the day? I know he's only little and it shouldn't be his responsibility, but if it's "every lunchtime" or something is your son able to remind his dad?

Finally, why is your friend shit-stirring by sending you your ex's FB profile pictures when presumably you have him blocked or unfriended and for good reason?

Every evening he needs to take his medication

Apart from thd medication, drop it.

You’re not going to get anywhere snc all you’re doing is revealing which buttons are available gif him to push. It’s not worth it.

If your ex is abusive then any issue you focus on or seem worried about, he will probably use to stress you out further. The less concerned you seem about certain things, the less likely he will use them as a stick to beat you with.

Also, be aware, he has no interest in compromising with you or doing what you want. He sees you as his enemy on a battle field. And your child is a pawn.

As pps said, choose your battles. But try not to show emotions like anger or worry. Because those are exactly what he wants to provoke. Be matter of fact. 'He needs to take his medicine or he will get sick and then will happen which will mean for you' (try phrase things in a way where it shows how how he will personally be inconvenienced).

Generally speaking with the exception of when and where pick up and drop off will be and extremely important things like medication, there is no reason for you to talk to this man at all. Stop being goaded. Or you will never get any peace.

You can’t control how he parents, it’s not how it works. Imagine if he was telling you things had to be done how he did them? The only thing you can justifiably raise if the medication but other than that you need to drop it.

FYI maybe he likes sleeping with his dad as he’s away from you and finds it less stressful than sleeping alone?

I have an anxious co sleeper and it is anxiety due to other things rather than due to co sleeping (if that makes sense) older than yours and had some CAMHs help with managing it and sometimes she does need the security of cosleeping.

But I suspect here it is due to either laziness or deliberately because you asked to. If it is the former you are not going to win that. If it is the latter you need to let it go. I imagine the more you push it the less likely he will to let it go.

And I agree with this

Generally speaking with the exception of when and where pick up and drop off will be and extremely important things like medication, there is no reason for you to talk to this man at all. Stop being goaded. Or you will never get any peace.

It is the only way forward.

The agreeing a deliberately not doing as agreed (and posting photo evidence he knows you will probably see) is another form of control. You really need to stop engaging other than medication. Because ex is not going to change, he’s always going to be an idiot and the less engagement he gets from you the better

How often does DS stay with him?

The sleeping is harmful though. Its shown that children that co sleep when older are more anxious and my DS is already a bit anxious. He gets scared in his room and doesn't ever like to be alone. It affects his sleep and that can't be good for his health either

Not sure where you’re reading this OP but its rot. Ive two very confident extended co sleepers as have all the other like minded families we know who did the same…a lot of people also do it but dont like to admit to it. . I’d drop that worry and focus on the medication, which is the most important one by miles.

I know it's hard (I've been there) but you can't control these things. Have you heard of parelel parenting?
This is the way to go with someone you can not co parent with. You have your own rules. You tell your child, that's daddy's rule, but while at mummy's it's mummy's rules. I've had to do it and it works.
The only real concern is the medication, I suspect when your ex feels like you have backed away on the other stuff he will be more inclined to "remember his medication".
It's very very hard to let go as you only want the best for your child, but you have no control over what happens in his house.

I’m really sorry but YABU. My kids are older and everyone was in the bed until at least 9. They pile in and it is what it is. Nobody is anxious. They are high achievers and brilliant in all aspects of life. If you google co sleeping and countries like Norway and Finland it’s the norm. How do you think super cold countries raise their kids? How do people who live in igloos do it or tribes? They all have kids. They all bunk in together. We are a small population by comparison with the huge billions who do things differently. Try and pick your battles. Sure 8 hours screen time isn’t great but again, standard. If it wasn’t iPad he’d be glued to CBeebies. At the kids school they do all their lessons on iPads. It’s normal. You’re going to have to chill out and stop talking to him unless it’s about something specifically life threatening like medication. Drop the rest and get a GP letter detailing when he needs his meds. That’s non negotiable and if he has asthma it’s life threatening.

I also have a difficult ex partner and so I sympathise. But I agree with the other posters - you cannot control how he parents. You can only control how YOU parent. And as your ex is abusive, there's a possibility he may do the opposite of what you ask just to piss you off.

My advice would be to accept that you cannot make your ex into the father you would like him to be. So be the best mum you can be when your son is with you. Stick to your routines when he's with you and only deal with your ex on the really important matters, such as medication.

You sound like a very loving and caring mum so I can quite understand your frustration

Generally speaking with the exception of when and where pick up and drop off will be and extremely important things like medication, there is no reason for you to talk to this man at all. Stop being goaded. Or you will never get any peace.

Agree with this.

And tbh your friend who sent you a screenshot of something not directly harmful sounds like a shit stirrer / someone who likes to insert themselves into drama. I would understand them sharing if it was of your son in danger that you needed alerting of but I would tell people you don't want screenshots sent to you like that. Good friends wouldn't stir things up like this over stuff that isn't dangerous.

What can i do about this man!? Nada!

You need to let go of your co parenting ideals, he isn’t that man. There’s your time with your son and then there’s his time with his son.

Pick your battles and his medication is the battle you should be having. In the meantime get your son a watch and set an alarm so that he is reminded to ask for his medication.

I understand your frustration but you need to start disengaging from this man, lessening your interactions with him is how you retain your sanity.

Meds are your only concern here. You have to let the rest go. I know it is difficult. And you're dead wrong about the Co sleeping. Anecdotally the only one of my lot that didn't cosleep is the one with severe anxiety! My least anxious most sociable easy going child is still mostly cosleeping age nearly 8. Kids are also really adept at following different rules in different places too. They follow different rules at school and at grandparents houses and at friends houses etcetc and itd just a fact to them. So you do your routines, let your exH do his. Let go. Stressing out isn't going to do anyone any good.

Also him telling your child to lie and not tell you about co sleeping is/will be far far more damaging then any any of your worried about actually co sleeping.