Disruptive crises with DH

[ItsUnderTheSauce]

I’m noticing a real pattern with DH.

Every time I had something important to do, from medical tests, or an educational course, there is some kind of crisis just before hand I have to get dragged into because he simply must have my attention or help. And if he doesn’t get his way he gets really stroppy.

When I’ve something important to do I like to be well prepared and have time to go the preparation and think things through. I time things so I have cleared the decks to create space for that.

And as soon as he sees I have some space he just starts dumping stuff on me, either practically or emotionally.

I hate it. I feel like my life is getting swallowed up with this crap. I do set clear boundaries but he just pushes them all the time. If I don’t go along with that, cue a massive fight, he’ll goad and goad to get one going, followed by a huge strop, then sulking and the silent treatment.

I can’t take it, it’s like living with a silky teenager.

Sounds awful. Would he consider couples counselling? (Assuming you don’t want to kick him to touch, which is another good option).

He's deliberately sabotaging you.

Why do you think he doesn't want you to do these things?

Be physically unavailable. Do your preparation somewhere else, like a Library, with your phone off. From experience.

He's probably not sabotaging you. He just thinks, oh she's not busy and I need xzy done, so...

Dont tell him that you have stuff coming up.

Rethink the relationship. He is saotaging you - why?

He is controlling you.

So, when you say you can't take it, what happens when you can't take it? It sounds like at the moment, you simply do take it.

When you say you set boundaries, how do you go about that?

@Avarua

He's probably not sabotaging you. He just thinks, oh she's not busy and I need xzy done, so...

What makes you think that, given that OP is setting boundaries and he keeps crossing them?

Agree with others that he is sabotaging you. These tasks or projects you're doing, does he consider them some sort of threat to him? Is he trying to keep you done/stuck?

Push the timings forward so he sulks when you need the time to get yourself sorted. You can then carry on in peace

My ex (note the ex), was like this, I saw a pattern eventually which meant I could use his shitty behaviour to my advantage. I also realised just how toxic, selfish and unhealthy it was so eventually left

@AtlasPine I’ve suggested that many times. It’s a flat no.

@Twizbe I think he’s afraid he will lose me if I spread my wings.

@Avarua Being physically unavailable used to work before Covid. Now he wfh, so he’s around or sees my comings and goings. It will at best delay it, which means I get nervous. I have considered the “she’s not busy”…thing, but that doesn’t explain the depth of emotion and amount of grief I get if he doesn’t get his way.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I am starting to rethink it. I don’t want to be ina relationship I have to be secretive. I want to be able to say “I’ve got stuff coming up” and for my partner to be able to say that too. At least to get space, but maybe also support: I think it’s insecurity-if I grow, I’ll leave him behind.

@Mumof3confused That has occurred to me. I think it’s more fear than conscious manipulation. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

@TheFoundation I restate that I have something important to do, I tell him I won’t fight with him and then I disengage (walk away, end call etc). Later I’ll say something positive like I need us to talk about important things in a calm and respectful way in a timely fashion. I don’t do whatever it is he is after. I tell him that if he needs me to do something for him or take on a responsibility, he needs to ask me and give me notice. This isn’t for real emergencies btw. Just the manufactured drama.

Sabotaging AND control. As you know it will happen, next time, prepare a simple calm response for when he attempts it, "DH, I am about to leave for x,y,z so I cannot do [this thing]." Then, equally, be prepared for the strop at which point, again, pre-prepared comments such as, "I am not going to apologise for prioritising this important thing that I had to do.]

But truthfully, it doesn't sound good. I bet he doesn't like you going out with friends either? What about family? How often are attempts to see/spend time with family sabotaged? How much time while you're out, away from him, do you spend responding to calls/messages from him and/or worrying about what he'll be like when you get back?

He needs to know that behaving like this is going to make you leave.

Tbh is LTB anyway. Like you say a partner should want you to grow and flourish in your own way.

@2DogsOnMySofa It is shitty and toxic. We separated for six months last year for this and other reasons. I moved out. I’d forgotten how bad it is. I thought the separation might galvanise some change. Looks like it hasn’t. I’ve tried making the timings work to my advantage, but I don’t really want to live like that. Life’s too short.

Quite early in BIL's relationship with SIL, we noticed him doing this - but in the context of family events. It was completely 100% impossible for us to do a family bbq, a child's birthday, christmas without some crisis from him that usually led SIL to be late/distracted/unavailable. It was clear to us that his goal was to separate SIL from the rest of us, and he'd often then get mildly aggressive with us in a way that was very obviously designed to make us look like the bad guys.

this sabotage did not work for him, although he was more successful with friends/hobbies. Nearly 15 years later, she's finally divorcing him but they have 2 DSs now and the whole thing is proving tortuous and painful.

Address this now or leave. Sorry.

@BlingLoving He’s actually fine with family/friends and isn’t own to blow up my phone when I am out.
I do the calm explanation thing but to be honest I am always upset on the inside afterwards and it’s affecting me.

@Twizbe I thought the separation would maybe bring it home. He did clean up his act over that for a while. Now he thinks I’m back he’s going back to old habits.

@TiredButDancing I know. I didn’t want it to be like this. I’ve only been back for about a month. We starting talking about giving it another go about three months ago and I came back in time for Xmas. I really hoped the separation would resolve things. Oh well at least I tried. Ducks in a row time again.

My DH does similar... But he has two modes.

1. Involving me in his crises.

I’m in bed, he comes in insisting I must come out & help with his online flight booking. There’s an issue with his boarding pass / luggage / covid whatnot, because he’s left it all until the night before the trip. He comes to me last minute to cover him financially for said trip, last minute, as he hasn’t bothered to do his tax so hasn’t been paid fully. Expecting me to just have the readies, and pissed off if I don’t. Fucks up a job application, that was sure to get, I then have to email the relevant HR etc, as he’s not able to word these things correctly. It then becomes my fault that it’s all gone wrong. And so on... It’s always the same. I take care of finances, savings, bills, holidays, bookings etc...

1. I come home perfectly happy, in good form. Then I say something that he doesn’t like (it’s akin to stepping on a land mine, I just don’t know when it will happen) (editing myself at all times is just not possible).

He then kicks off big time, accusing me of “always moaning” “never being happy” “always criticising him”. None of which is true, I’m an easygoing person. He actually in fact often does these things to me... This leads to a big blow-up, that I didn’t ask for. And is all my fault! It’s usually when I have something going on, like a new job or a nice day out or a family event. Then I have to put up with fallout, which is me feeling depressed (and thinking divorce), him not talking to me, and my good mood / home life wrecked for the week.

When I think of my future, I just see me & my kid living a happy life together...

It sounds like you don't have children. If so, for fuck's sake don't 'work on things' with a controlling insecure loser like this.

Just read the bit about being afraid to lose you. Same here. I’ve lost weight, got a new job & am just out of the small baby phase (DS is 18 months). He’s scared I’ll go this time... So, why is doing everything in his power to make that a reality?
When he’s normal, it’s actually nice.

Have you told him that you can't continue the relationship if he continues with this behaviour, and that if it happens one more time, it will be over between you?

That puts the responsibility squarely with him to make the decision about his behaviour and its effects, which is really what adults are meant to do instinctively anyway.

It sounds a bit like you might be a bit on the side of 'I really don't like this, Sweetie...', when you might get a better result with 'Stop or lose me.'

Bin and move on. This man will never improve his behaviour because of his fixed and unchangeable belief that you (or any woman in his life) exist for his benefit and that he and his needs must be your priority all the time.

@HelloBunny The crisis isn’t the bad thing, it’s the tantrum for not getting his way.

@Skeumorph I’m 46 so bit late for kids thankfully. I did think the other night I was glad I didn’t have kids earlier/

@TheFoundation I have told him before that this behaviour will destroy our marriage. I left and lived in another city for six months. It’s really not just
“I don’t like that sweetie”. It did stop for a while when I was moved out. Now he’s gone back to “I know I have things to work on to get this right”.

@Wreath21 I am facing up to this. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing though. I think it’s an emotionally stunted thing. He’s just never grown up emotionally.

Sounds like you've done all you can, OP, and that you're facing up to what you need to do. Sorry