Disruptive crises with DH

[ItsUnderTheSauce]

I’m noticing a real pattern with DH.

Every time I had something important to do, from medical tests, or an educational course, there is some kind of crisis just before hand I have to get dragged into because he simply must have my attention or help. And if he doesn’t get his way he gets really stroppy.

When I’ve something important to do I like to be well prepared and have time to go the preparation and think things through. I time things so I have cleared the decks to create space for that.

And as soon as he sees I have some space he just starts dumping stuff on me, either practically or emotionally.

I hate it. I feel like my life is getting swallowed up with this crap. I do set clear boundaries but he just pushes them all the time. If I don’t go along with that, cue a massive fight, he’ll goad and goad to get one going, followed by a huge strop, then sulking and the silent treatment.

I can’t take it, it’s like living with a silky teenager.

You gave it another go, but nothing has changed. Walk away with a clear conscience.

So many similarities here, IUTS. I get you. We’re the same age, actually! I had the kid, and it’s not easy. As in, DS is easy, DH is not. Others saying, tell him you mean it this time, etc...
You’ve done that. You actually left. He won’t change. My DH is the same. Says he’ll get help. But he hasn’t in the last 50 years. Childhood trauma, and I can’t fix it no matter what I do. I don’t want it for our kid.

You're falling into that typical trap where you think his issues are because he's damaged, or insecure, or immature or whatever.... but it's not. Whether or not those things are true, his behaviour is the issue and it is clear that he doesn't want you to have your own things.

My dad used to do this, also on important days like birthdays and weddings etc. Engineer a drama (usually a row) so that everyone was late and stressed and / or our family unit cancelled going. It was so stressful.

You've tried, nothing's changed. It's time to leave and live your own life. You deserve happiness.

Bang on, BlingLoving. My DH turns on the waterworks every time there’s an episode. He says sorry, does the little boy lost thing. I don’t listen to it anymore...

My ExH used to do this on important / anxious days for me. Leave again and stay gone. Don't give him another chance. Life it too short for someone else's manufactured drama.

“always moaning” “never being happy” “always criticising him”

I know this isn't from the OP but it's such a big red flag when a partner criticises you using sweeping always/never generalisations. It shows a tendency to see things in black and white, rather than being able to appreciate nuance, think flexibly and appreciate that life involves give and take.

It's really easy to write off this behaviour as "they're just being dramatic" but if you do, ask yourself whether you really appreciate having a dramatic partner. Dramatic tendencies can be exciting in a relationship, particularly at the start when there are mostly good feelings and few shared responsibilities, but in a long-term relationship, the ability to offer predictable comfort, understanding and support are much better personal characteristics.

OP, why did you go back after you separated?
IMHO, based on experience, once you forgive/go back to them, they see it as a sanction to lapse back into the same shitty behaviour. He won't change, no matter what empty promises he makes. The ball is in your court

[quote ItsUnderTheSauce]@Wreath21 I am facing up to this. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing though. I think it’s an emotionally stunted thing. He’s just never grown up emotionally.[/quote]
Fair enough, but that is no reason for you to waste any more of your life pandering to this loser. There are less tiresome men out there and, anyway, being single is great.

You are not compatible

That’s right CheekyHobson. I’m not a drama person at all, and prefer calm & peace in my life. DH is from a family who are more like a soap opera... There’s always trouble!
On black & white thinking, that’s exactly how he thinks. It’s just how he is. His mental landscape is very different from mine. He finds it difficult to figure things out, find the nuance as you say. He’s actually booked in with a therapist, seeing them next week.