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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Supporting Boyfriend through Child Contact

29 replies

SingleTTC31 · 20/01/2022 11:08

Hi,

My bf of 3 months is having a hard time just now with contact arrangements with his children. Going through courts now and he is looking for 50/50. We were speaking on the phone last night and he was saying how he didn't want to bore me with it all. I have been trying not to comment too much when he tells me about what is going on. Not because I'm not interested, but not sure how much to say, don't want to push in or say anything which isn't my place IYSWIM.

Just wondering if any of you have any advice about how best to support with out getting overly involved, because I know it isn't really my problem, but as it involves someone who I see a future with I want to support them.

TIA

OP posts:
Moretodo · 20/01/2022 11:16

As he is a boyfriend of three months I would just be a listener, and an encourager.

You don't know him, you don't know the children, you don't know the history.

How would you support a new friend of three months? Do that.

Do. Not. Get. Involved.

itwasntaparty · 20/01/2022 11:24

3 months? Yeah, I'd be reconsidering getting involved. BAGGAGE.

Parsley1234 · 20/01/2022 11:27

Your user name I hope you’re not TTC he needs to sort himself out and to echo the above don’t get involved not your circus not your monkeys

PicaK · 20/01/2022 12:17

Ask him why he wants 50/50.
If his first answer includes money then run fast
If it references what he wants then run
If it references any name calling of her run
In fact anything other than a genuine conviction this would be to his kids' benefit, and able to verbalise why, run, run, run.

SingleTTC31 · 20/01/2022 12:26

Hi,

Thanks for the comments. Although we have been going out for 3 months, we have known each other for over 3 years and have been good mates so I do know the history, although only met the kids in passing over a year ago.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 20/01/2022 12:28

I couldn't be bothered with all that. He needs to tell a friend or relative these things, not you.

Dating is supposed to be fun.

astoundedgoat · 20/01/2022 12:31

Are you trying to conceive right now? Because that's NOT supporting him at all, or yourself, or your own future child.

Just stay out of it, and consider if maybe this man isn't better being back in the friend category. This matter will dominate your entire future with him, and heavily impact his ability to be a father to any children he has with you. Also, without knowing ANYTHING about him other than what you have said, this is a man who has already left a woman with young children. He has form.

There are so many men out there without all this baggage.

delilahbucket · 20/01/2022 12:35

If this isn't already sorted and you are well embarked on a relationship, then that would be a reason I would run for the hills. These things need sorting before he brings in a new relationship to the fold. I would guess he's not been single for very long at all before you started seeing him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2022 12:36

Do not at all get involved. You are supposed to be a girlfriend, not his therapist.

Rex knowing him already for three years, you do not know him as well as you think you do.

delilahbucket · 20/01/2022 12:37

I would so be questioning why he's going for 50/50. It's more often than not, not in the best interests of the children.

jimmyjammy001 · 20/01/2022 12:51

It's still early days yet, so as others have said I'd be walking away and not getting involved, him having to go to court will be time consuming and expensive and put alot of strain on your relationship, you say he is longterm so you are happy that one day in a few years time when you would like to progress the relationship and move in together you will move into a house with him and his children and be step mum to them? Sometimes you won't be able to do the things you want to in life because of the restrictions that come with children and if it's a lifestyle you have no experience of then by all means give it a go, but be prepared for alot of problems/hassle/dramas with the children and the ex partners, it won't be plain sailing, you will allways be second priority in the relationship

Bananalanacake · 20/01/2022 14:55

Nothing to do with you, just listen and smile then talk about something else. And don't get talked into looking after his DC.

RedCandyApple · 20/01/2022 16:36

@delilahbucket

I would so be questioning why he's going for 50/50. It's more often than not, not in the best interests of the children.
Because he wants to have an equal relationship with his children and see them as much as the mum does, why is that a bad thing? Only on Mumsnet would people think a EOW dad is a good thing. I would be questioning why any man would only want to see their kids every fortnight
2022success · 20/01/2022 16:48

At your age I would run for the hills. Have a good read through the step parenting threads.

delilahbucket · 20/01/2022 20:33

@RedCandyApple what you have said is purely for the benefit of the parent, not the child/children. As I said. Kids seeing both parents regularly is very different to having a split living arrangement with nowhere to call home which is what 50/50 is.

RedCandyApple · 20/01/2022 20:45

Yeh it would be much better for kids to only see their dad once a fortnight 🙄 since every weekend is also frowned upon on here, people knock part time dads on here and also the ones that actually want to be equally involved 🤦‍♀️

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2022 20:49

Doesn’t sound like he’s in the right place for a new relationship.

Wherearemymarbles · 20/01/2022 20:55

I’ve heard some seriously fucking stupid things on MN but the last comment from Delilah is right up there.

PicaK · 20/01/2022 21:39

Crikey. I pointed out it needs to be about what's best for the kids and your answer is about what's best for him.
You start with the kids. You think about what's the most stress free living situation for them, you factor in things like consistency and routine and stuff like that that kids Thrive on. You put them first.

delilahbucket · 20/01/2022 22:55

@RedCandyApple where did I say once a fortnight? That is the polar opposite of 50/50.

@Wherearemymarbles care to elaborate? You think that putting the parents needs first is correct? Then the needs of the kids second right? 50/50 is often a ploy so maintenance does not have to be paid, it involves the kids staying over 7 out of 14 nights at one house and then at another, passed from pillar to post, with two houses, which we have seen time and time again is awful for kids because they need a base to call home. Parents can see their kids regularly without the yo-yo effect of 50/50 custody. I think your comment is the most stupid because it was unnecessarily insulting with absolutely no basis whatsoever. You must have had a bad day.

@PicaK you get it. At least someone else does. I worry about other parents who demand they have their kids 50/50 because of what they want, not what the kids need.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/01/2022 23:03

[quote delilahbucket]@RedCandyApple what you have said is purely for the benefit of the parent, not the child/children. As I said. Kids seeing both parents regularly is very different to having a split living arrangement with nowhere to call home which is what 50/50 is.[/quote]
No, 50/50 means having two homes. Not no home. Quite obviously.

danorak · 20/01/2022 23:05

Let me guess, his child's mother is a crazy bitch who won't let him see his child 😴 tale as old as time.

PicaK · 20/01/2022 23:30

My ex and I split our DS 50/50.
We split our daughter 2/7.
No matter what our other disagreements are we both absolutely recognise this is right for our kids. We had to present a very solid case to our mediator and then in the paperwork to the judge.
Because its absolutely tailored to them and their needs. It has pros and cons for us both and we take that on the chin.
Because you start with the kids and put them first. No bleat about your own wants or what's fair

Livelovebehappy · 20/01/2022 23:57

Sounds like it’s a difficult situation for him and his ex atm. I would stay out of it. The ex will be mightily pissed off if her ex dh’s Gf of three months tries to involve herself in it.

altmember · 21/01/2022 02:19

It sounds like you're both doing it about right - he's trying to avoid over discussing it with you (despite it probably being the biggest thing in his life right now), and you're trying to listen without getting too involved.

Just tell him that you're happy to listen, and that you'll give advice if he asks for it, but equally you don't want it to become the dynamic of your relationship and all consuming. Take things steady and don't get too committed to quickly. Have a think about how things will work between you if he does get 50/50 of his children? Could possibly make future cohabiting with him unfeasible.

Ignore all the above posts about leaving him because he has 'baggage'. In that case, the same would be true for every single mother too, but would you advise a man never to date a woman just because she has the 'baggage' of children? And there's nothing wrong with 50/50 shared care, as long as both parents are co operative and put the children first (many aren't, especially the ones who think they should have the kids most of the time). Every other weekend is not enough contact for a child to have a healthy relationship with that parent.

I was seeing someone ages ago, at the same time as my ex was causing drama, so it would come up in conversation quite regularly, and we'd both be quite comfortable discussing it. Despite which, I was managing the problem comfortably by myself - I wasn't looking for shoulder to cry on, I knew how I wanted to handle the issue. But the person I was seeing was very outspoken and constantly telling me my approach was completely wrong and how I should be tackling it. We had such very different ideas - mine being more tact and diplomacy, playing the long game, theirs being out and out confrontation and ultimatums. We'd end up arguing over it regularly, just being so polar opposite in that personality aspect, despite appearing to be a very similar/compatible in others.

Ironically, whenever they had problems of their own that we discussed, it nearly always appeared to be something caused (or worsened) by their own confrontational and unreasonable nature. Of course I did the diplomatic thing and bit my tongue rather than give my honest opinion when I didn't agree with them.

By contrast, with my current partner, we can openly discuss anything, and we both give and respect each other's opinions. But then we just seem to be on the same wavelength so we're usually thinking along similar lines anyway.