Why can’t I just go with the flow

disappear · 19/01/2022 18:30

It’s understandable that you feel like binning him. He needs to think about it??? Is there a reason that you spoke for so long before meeting?

Honey83 · 19/01/2022 18:32

Agreed, what does he need to think about? He already has plans or he hasn't. That's off-putting

Suprima · 19/01/2022 18:34

@Unluckyloo

I feel like I’m never going to have a relationship that will ever go anywhere. I’ve started talking someone recently, we’ve been talking for over 3 months and went on our first date at weekend.

He seems really nice and clearly interested in me. We both live busy lives and I do worry it’ll be hard to sustain. He’s currently on holiday till Thursday, I’ve suggested weekend plans but he said he needs to think about it. Part of me just wants to tell him to stick it.

But whenever I first date dating someone I’m always anxious and on edge when Im not with them. Like I expect something bad to happen, which usually does. My friends always tell me to relax and go with the flow. But I’m 26 my last serious bf was uni. I’ve seen plenty of people but they all cheat on me and tell me the spark went. I find it hard to trust new men.

Your spidey senses are on point and you definitely shouldn’t be going with the flow. You won’t feel anxious if a man really likes you. You won’t be confused.

You were talking for three months THEN went on a date.
You had to ask him for a follow up date he fobbed you off.
He’s not bothered. Stop chasing him.

Suprima · 19/01/2022 18:35

Only make time for men who ask you out and are proactive. Men aren’t shy for women they really fancy, and will take the lead.

This isn’t about being all 1950s and ladylike- it’s about not sacrificing any of your energy, your free time, your emotions by chasing blokes who aren’t interested in you.

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 18:48

@disappear

It’s understandable that you feel like binning him. He needs to think about it??? Is there a reason that you spoke for so long before meeting?

Tbh I haven’t realised we’d spoke for that long prior to today. I think at first I wasn’t really that bothered. Neither of us even mentioned it and then we started to discuss meeting around Christmas but he was working all Christmas.

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 18:49

@disappear

It’s understandable that you feel like binning him. He needs to think about it??? Is there a reason that you spoke for so long before meeting?

He’s got plans Sunday and he’s worried about meal prep and cleaning

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 18:50

@Honey83

Agreed, what does he need to think about? He already has plans or he hasn't. That's off-putting

He has plans on Sunday. Agreed makes me feel not so significant

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 18:52

@Suprima

Only make time for men who ask you out and are proactive. Men aren’t shy for women they really fancy, and will take the lead.

This isn’t about being all 1950s and ladylike- it’s about not sacrificing any of your energy, your free time, your emotions by chasing blokes who aren’t interested in you.

So far he has taken the lead.

I did ask about the second date as I’ve got plans Friday and my friend may want to do something Saturday or Sunday so I wanted to see if he wanted to do something

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Suprima · 19/01/2022 18:52

@Unluckyloo - if he liked you, he wouldn’t give a shit about meal planning and cleaning.

You haven’t slept with him have you?

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 18:53

I get anxious whoever it is, I put this down to past experiences

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Suprima · 19/01/2022 18:53

@Unluckyloo - he hasn’t taken any lead, you were his penpal for three months and now needs to be pinned down for a date when he’s not cleaning or putting food into Tupperware boxes

Texting lots isn’t taking the lead. It can be done on the toilet.

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 19:05

[quote Suprima]@Unluckyloo - if he liked you, he wouldn’t give a shit about meal planning and cleaning.

You haven’t slept with him have you?[/quote]
He can be weird about things like this in general I’ve noticed as he doesn’t get much time in the week as works 70 hours.

Not slept with him

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 19:05

[quote Suprima]@Unluckyloo - he hasn’t taken any lead, you were his penpal for three months and now needs to be pinned down for a date when he’s not cleaning or putting food into Tupperware boxes

Texting lots isn’t taking the lead. It can be done on the toilet.[/quote]
He asked me on the first date and took the lead when we’re together. I can see your point though

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CamsPaisleyCuffs · 19/01/2022 19:08

He'll never have time for you working those hours, seeing his friends and whatever else he has going on in his life. Men who are into you will make it very clear, and certainly don't leave it 3 months to meet any woman they have an interest in. Move on from this one.

TheFoundation · 19/01/2022 19:10

I think you feel anxious because you don't have your own back; you're not respecting your own feelings. If you put yourself in that situation, you're very vulnerable, because the guy can do something you don't like, and you'll just feel you need to put up with it.

That's what's happening with this guy; he tells you that food prep might be a higher priority than you, you think 'Fine, sod you, then!', but you don't respect that feeling in yourself; you criticise yourself instead, for not 'going with the flow'.

'The flow' isn't 'what he wants'. You don't have to relax and do things however a man says. You have to go with your flow. Look after your feelings. If you start doing that (firstly by not contacting this bloke again, and then if he gets in touch, telling him you're too busy brushing the cat to talk to him any further) you'll find that you don't need to trust men. You just drop anyone who does anything that makes you feel crap, so you don't have to put up with their rubbish. At some point, you'll have gone with the flow of your own feelings until you meet someone who never makes you feel crap, so you'll never want to drop them.

Your friends aren't being supportive. They're essentially saying 'Keep seeing people you don't feel happy with, silly!'

Milkyway34x · 19/01/2022 19:31

I think the way dating is done now has killed off romance. It's rubbish. You are not alone. My friends going through the same. Keeps attempting to find love online and they meet. Have a kiss or sex or date. Then they ghost her or get cold feet.

Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 19:34

@Milkyway34x

I think the way dating is done now has killed off romance. It's rubbish. You are not alone. My friends going through the same. Keeps attempting to find love online and they meet. Have a kiss or sex or date. Then they ghost her or get cold feet.

The last guy I was seeing was so keen. We were seeing each other for 3 months. Saw him on the Thursday and he was telling me how happy he was everything. On the Friday told me he was going to Manchester with friends and basically ignored me all weekend . On Monday he rang to say the spark had gone.

Found out recently he’d in fact met some girl of a dating app and slept with her

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Original poster

Unluckyloo · 19/01/2022 19:34

@TheFoundation

I think you feel anxious because you don't have your own back; you're not respecting your own feelings. If you put yourself in that situation, you're very vulnerable, because the guy can do something you don't like, and you'll just feel you need to put up with it.

That's what's happening with this guy; he tells you that food prep might be a higher priority than you, you think 'Fine, sod you, then!', but you don't respect that feeling in yourself; you criticise yourself instead, for not 'going with the flow'.

'The flow' isn't 'what he wants'. You don't have to relax and do things however a man says. You have to go with your flow. Look after your feelings. If you start doing that (firstly by not contacting this bloke again, and then if he gets in touch, telling him you're too busy brushing the cat to talk to him any further) you'll find that you don't need to trust men. You just drop anyone who does anything that makes you feel crap, so you don't have to put up with their rubbish. At some point, you'll have gone with the flow of your own feelings until you meet someone who never makes you feel crap, so you'll never want to drop them.

Your friends aren't being supportive. They're essentially saying 'Keep seeing people you don't feel happy with, silly!'

I don’t think I ever feel happy as I’m always on edge as I don’t know where I stand

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Steelesauce · 19/01/2022 19:40

You need to be ruthless. Anyone who doesn't seem keen then bin them, they aren't the one.

TheFoundation · 19/01/2022 19:43

You have to know where you stand with you. You have to know that if the inner you says 'I don't like this', the outer you will pull away from the situation. You won't feel safe if the outer you says to the inner you 'Don't be stupid - go with the flow, or you'll ruin everything, AGAIN.'

That's self disrespect. Self respect is listening to that inner voice, and when it says 'I don't like this', you say 'OK then, shall we go somewhere else instead?'

The bit of you that wants to tell him to stick it is the real you. Respect her.

Robin233 · 19/01/2022 19:44

Please read the rules.
Old fashioned dating advice you granny use to give out.
But it's true.
Never accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday.
Remember you are the prize.
When you start dating you can never know 100 percent where you stand at first.
That's dating but you can shorten the odds.
Listen.
Don't give too much of yourself away early on (3 months chatting in line is definitely out ).

Milkyway34x · 19/01/2022 19:52

@Unluckyloo

Yes people have forgotten how to respect people and don't appreciate people. People don't know how to treat one another now because of phones. Sadly social media and online dating has created this mess. There's always someone else as am option now and 8t ruins it. Many just are not willing to put that effort in.

I met my current boyfriend when he was working for my neighbour. The connection we shared very much came from the eye contact. The conversation. The body language. On a screen I'd have been unable to pick up a real feel for him. He isn't perfect. He was a terrible Facebook flirt when we met. He seems to have stopped now and he does love me and we have a good bond. But its still a little hard to trust or relax as he met a woman off tinder when we were on a break. We hadn't had sex at that point. We were just talking. We had some time apart so he could figure out if he could do a relationship. In that time he had sex with a tinder connection and she stayed at his a few times.

It's a different world when its linked to online. Gone are the days you met someone in the pub and fell for them.

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/01/2022 19:59

Red flags for this not turning into an enjoyable relationship for you:

He works 70 hour weeks - when will he have time to see you anyway?
Took him 3 MONTHS to ask you out. Not exactly keen to meet was he? That's not taking the lead, zombies move faster than that.
You've had to ask if he wants a second date. So he hadn't made it clear he was keen and up for another date, and you just needed to set the where and when.
Given a choice between seeing you and cleaning up and preping food, he choose cleaning up. How much of the day is he going to spend cleaning and prepping ffs? All day? If he was keen he could sort that out in the morning and see you in the evening.

You shouldn't be waiting for him to tell you where you stand. Your sharkcage should be telling you, you stand very far down on this man's priorities list. After cleaning and preparing food 24 hours in advance!! You should be thinking "rude bastard keeping me on the back-burner, he can fuck off" but instead you're still considering him as bf material. Which means while you wait for him to pick you and wasting your emotional energy on this waste of time, you're stopping yourself meeting and picking a decent, keen, non-waste of time man.

waterrat · 19/01/2022 20:35

Hey op..I struggled hugely with anxiety and knowing how to behave in early stages of relationships in my 20s.

You need to have very clear boundaries. You feel anxious because you are allowing yourself to stay in a bad situation that isn't at all what you want. Please see this. This man isn't interested and is just chatting with you with no commitment at all. You are absolutely right to feel uncomfortable but the mistake is to continue any sort of conversation with him

Stop wasting your own time and walk away now. Decide that you will trust your instincts and be clear that men need to be showing some level if interest fir you to give them your energy.

You will get there and find the right person.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2022 20:40

You're allowing these men to control the direction of the relationship. Stop it. If they seem flakey, weird, not interested, if you're not keen, whatever, in the bin they go. You're giving them way too much head space.