Why can’t I just go with the flow

[Unluckyloo]

I feel like I’m never going to have a relationship that will ever go anywhere. I’ve started talking someone recently, we’ve been talking for over 3 months and went on our first date at weekend.

He seems really nice and clearly interested in me. We both live busy lives and I do worry it’ll be hard to sustain. He’s currently on holiday till Thursday, I’ve suggested weekend plans but he said he needs to think about it. Part of me just wants to tell him to stick it.

But whenever I first date dating someone I’m always anxious and on edge when Im not with them. Like I expect something bad to happen, which usually does. My friends always tell me to relax and go with the flow. But I’m 26 my last serious bf was uni. I’ve seen plenty of people but they all cheat on me and tell me the spark went. I find it hard to trust new men.

The reality OP is you shouldn't go with the flow. You should try to enjoy life while having boundaries and being clear what you are looking for.

It's really hard and I sympathise trying to get the balance right but this guy is not in any way entering into even the very early stages of a relationship! He is nothing to you and is not showing any signs of real interest. Move on.

Have you had any therapy? I found it so helpful talking through my anxieties around relationships

If someone told me they didn't know if they could meet me for a second date due to food prep and cleaning I wouldn't even bother replying to them tbh

And even worse that he's said that after you e had to take the initiative due to his lack of interest/effort

I have learnt that the people who leave me on edge and anxious, are people who my subconscious is telling me are bad for me.

When I was dating, there were 2 guys like this. Dated them at separate times! Both were lovely and enthusiastic on the actual dates but would take weeks to set up follow up dates/be vague if I asked them out, and when we weren't together I felt like I didn't exist. They both texted regularly, yet not that interested in meeting up.

After 2 months of this nonsense, I confronted them and one admitted that he liked me and had a great time but something was holding him back from progressing. He thought it was likely he wasn't yet over his ex. The second one got defensive and claimed he was just busy with work but it was bollocks because he certainly had time to be out and about with others. I suspected he was maybe interested in his neighbour and I was just a back up. I dumped both because honestly life is too short.

When I met my current partner, there was no anxiety. He asked for a second date the same day we finished the first, worked long hours but would come to meet me after a 12 hour shift, and I never doubted his interest because there were weekly meets planned. And that's how it should be. Dating is tough and if someone cba to meet your gorgeous self because of Tupperware(!), then he's not worth your time. He can find another pen pal and you can find a man who wants to date you consistently.

I have learnt that the people who leave me on edge and anxious, are people who my subconscious is telling me are bad for me

This is the heart of the matter. Feelings are signposts. Negative ones mean 'distance yourself', positive ones mean 'move closer'. How can anybody expect to ever feel happy if they keep trying to be in places/with people with whom they feel unhappy/confused/anxious etc?

Therapy. It will really help you solidify your boundaries and find a sense of security within yourself. You need to trust your instincts and tell anyone who falls short of your needs to bog off, basically