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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else got an ex that makes it impossible to be on civil terms

35 replies

tacostacostaco · 19/01/2022 16:29

Nc for this as he's stalked me on here in the past Hmm

I'm long term divorced, over a decade, and dcs nearly grown thankfully, so he will soon be mainly out of my life. Although he causes dcs no end of grief and upset so it's me that they turn to, so I end up picking up the pieces of that.

Anyway, I was just thinking about how really after all this time it would be nice to be on civil terms. But no, he acts like he hates me SO much, which is bizarre because he had an affair and left me high and dry when the dcs were small.

He resents every penny he gives me, he no doubt slags me off to his partner, he's just been an absolute thorn in my side when there's really no need.

Given the choice I'd be on civil terms for the sake of dcs. I don't tend to talk to friends about this in case I just seem like someone whinging on about my ex, so it's such a relief to get this out!

OP posts:
coldfeetmama · 19/01/2022 16:37

He's probably jealous that your life didn't fall apart without him
Maybe regret ?
Very childish
Let him sulk in his own space , you carry on doing great

Bowwowwowoh · 19/01/2022 16:43

He sounds very immature. You can't change his behaviour. But just wanted to say how wonderful that you are there for your DC when he causes them grief.

Original poster
tacostacostaco · 19/01/2022 17:04

I am blown away by these kind messages, thanks both.

He has expressed some regret on one or two occasions, but the rest of the time is very nasty. I do try to avoid him or thinking about it but sometimes he manages to create some sort of drama which makes me think about it all, and how I don't want to be hostile towards him or be 'enemies' but he seems determined for this.

Thanks again for the kind words of support.

OP posts:
HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 19/01/2022 17:05

Yes. I have one too. Every time I think we’ve finally got to a stage where we can be civil he pulls another dickhead move out of the bag...he doesnt even have the intelligence to realise that who he is really hurting is our babies. Twat. Ive given up now…karma will sort it.

Pinkyxx · 19/01/2022 17:59

Yep I have one too... 11 years no sign of it abating, sadly. Like you I pick up the pieces for DC / wipe the tears and try to not get caught up in the drama or hostility. It find draining but I've come to peace with the fact there is literally nothing I can do about it as we share a child. The part I can't come to terms with, or forgive, is the impact on our child (who is in therapy because of his behavior towards her).

Hen2018 · 19/01/2022 18:02

Yes.

Separated/divorced for 17 years. I haven’t spoken to him for 15 years.

Santahasjoinedww · 19/01/2022 18:04

Once the youngest started secondary school I stopped responding to abusive messages. Been nc for years now ds is 18 and went nc with his df 5 years ago!!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/01/2022 18:04

I also have one like this. Divorced over 5 years, and if he ever needs to contact me, his emails descend into vitriol.

I think he's probably furious I have a nice life.

sunshinelover69 · 19/01/2022 18:10

Yep mine is totally like that. Resented every penny he gave 'me' in child maintenance and found every way imaginable to pay less and less over the years. Made our daughter's life hell to the point that she needed therapy. Complete narcissist. Daughter is 18 now and only sees him when she absolutely has to. Thankfully I don't have to speak to the twat any more. In the early days I was like you, hoping we could be civil. Had him round for dinner. Got nothing back in return and gave up. My advice would be to accept that you can't change him and ignore. You will feel a weight off your shoulders from not having to deal with him.

Celynfour · 19/01/2022 18:31

I also have one of these
9 years . He lives in a different country and I’m bringing up the children alone and working full time .
He begrudgingly pays (not all) of the court ordered maintenance .
Professes to be heartbroken at not being with ‘his’ children .’
Can be civil at times and then yup , another dose of total arseholeness . Usually by spouting utter unsubstantiated shite to the children about me .
A thank you for all my hard work in place of coparenting civility would suffice occasionally ,

Take heart - lots of us feel your pain

plantmadness · 19/01/2022 19:53

3 years and he is as pathetic now as when I said we were separating. Owes a fortune in maintenance but CMS have got an attachment of earnings and are clawing back the arrears (he's also hiding other income). He purposely withheld items belonging to the children each fortnight making things really awkward for me and the children (eg vital sports kit, school coats etc). So I've stopped providing anything. He now has reduced his contact further as I 'won't' provide him with everything. The children are too little to see it's not me reducing contact but their dad's behaviours and choices. He's never attended a school event (pre covid), bought a school photograph or the design their own Christmas cards.
He is purposely obtuse during every encounter and him and his family have a steady on off campaign of harassment towards me including sexually explicit videos, using my email address for unpleasant things, false allegations to my employer and false allegations to police. I can't see a time any of it will end any time soon but I'm getting resilient to it and find him a sad specimen of a man

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 21:07

Yes but I just don’t have any contact with him...

Original poster
tacostacostaco · 19/01/2022 21:42

Take heart - lots of us feel your pain

Thank you. It really helps.

Huge sympathy to all who've had to contend with this, there are some terrible stories here. My own dcs could benefit from therapy after all they've been through as well, that is definitely the worst part seeing them get dragged into it when you're trying your best to avoid this.

A thank you for all my hard work in place of coparenting civility would suffice occasionally

Wouldn't that be nice. I am treated like the worst person on earth Its all very sad and unnecessary. Best ignored wherever possible I know.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 19/01/2022 21:51

Yep. Though mine continually cycles through being civil and even affectionate, before realising I'm not going to want to get back together (we've been separated for years now) or getting sunk in his own misery and going back to hurling abuse and blame at me.

It's just a continuation of what he's always been....I believe he has serious mental health/personality issues (that he refuses to explore and deal with) and he definitely does that "splitting" thing where I am either up on a pedestal or I'm worse than the dogshit on his show. Ho hum.

I do my best to keep things civil for the sake of our child, but sometimes I get sick of always having to be the strong, stable one.

But I'm glad I'm not like him. And I'm glad my child has me!

Well done you for carrying on. I know it's tough.

CousinKrispy · 19/01/2022 21:51

*shoe

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/01/2022 22:37

Yes. Me too
I just ignore him. Kids are old enough to sort contact with him themselves - if they want to so I stay out

But if he could have been civil and not nasty it would all have been so much easier

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 19/01/2022 22:52

Yes! He’s just horrible. I know he says horrible things about me to the children. They don’t repeat it but it’s obvious from the way they behave or things they say, particularly when they’ve been to see him. Oldest is NC and he gets the other two children to try to talk oldest into meeting again. It’s very difficult trying to be the bigger person at times!

Locomelon · 19/01/2022 22:52

We are civil for the most part. Until we disagree and all hell breaks loose and I am all the names under the sun. It's draining beyond belief. Can't wait to be free of him (remarried with more dc but still feel trapped by him)

Merrymermaid7 · 19/01/2022 22:57

Yes, it's been years now. We can be civil but only if I agree to defer to him and agree to everything. One disagreement sets it all off again, I feel it will never be over and my kids have to deal with this, sorry you are dealing with it too

spellingtest · 19/01/2022 23:06

I could have written this post myself OP. I have tried everything to appease him but he's just horrible to me and about me. My children are beginning to stick up for themselves (and me)
He's even reported me to childrens services (no action) and sued me for custody (judge reduced his contact). Both my children have therapy caused by his nasty comments and actions.

I think he's jealous that I can manage perfectly well without him and that our children are very happy despite him badmouthing me at every opportunity. I always make sure never to say anything nasty about him in front of them - they are 50% part of him and despite his bad behaviour they still love their father (as they should)

I've given up trying now. I just ignore his nasty messages and see it as noise.

Mulliganandohare · 19/01/2022 23:10

I have one, and I’m counting down the days until I never have to communicate with him again.

Even if I have to confirm something essential I get bile back. I am always polite, say please / thank you, I think it really riles him that I don’t bite.

He lies to the kids, his family and to other mums about me. All I can be is consistent with the kids, open to them etc without pressing them for ‘info’. Really, really hard! I totally empathise.

5 years to go…

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2022 09:04

@CousinKrispy do we share an ex?? 😂 I experienced the exact same cycles even after 10 years. Mines been blocked for the last few months now.

OP you're doing great, one thing I learned was to never bite and react to the vitriol, grey rock all the way. He's pissed you're managing just fine without him! Keep the high ground at all times and stick it to him with your success. X

bibliomania · 20/01/2022 10:07

I found it frustrating that family court judges kept telling us that we needed to sit down together and have reasonable discussions and seemed to blame us both equally. God knows I tried, but I ended up doubting myself - was I somehow not being fair? But ex is now in prison for assault (against someone else - I don't know the victim but I strongly sympathize with them) and I'm not, so I feel reasonably confident in saying It Wasn't Me who was the difficult one.

Original poster
tacostacostaco · 20/01/2022 10:51

I found it frustrating that family court judges kept telling us that we needed to sit down together and have reasonable discussions and seemed to blame us both equally

Yes there's an assumption that it takes two people to create a hostile situation like this. That's really difficult to take.

Sympathy and support to all of us dealing with this, and thanks again for all the posts and all the words of support, which have really made all the difference to me this week Flowers

OP posts:
iloverock · 20/01/2022 10:56

Yes 10 years later and he's still a dick.
I asked him to have the dds for week in august and swap a weekend in July.
I got messages back refusing saying I won't be dictating his year too him and who do I think I am.
Youngest is nearly 15 so thank fuck it won't matter very soon.

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