Anyone else got an ex that makes it impossible to be on civil terms

[tacostacostaco]

Nc for this as he's stalked me on here in the past

I'm long term divorced, over a decade, and dcs nearly grown thankfully, so he will soon be mainly out of my life. Although he causes dcs no end of grief and upset so it's me that they turn to, so I end up picking up the pieces of that.

Anyway, I was just thinking about how really after all this time it would be nice to be on civil terms. But no, he acts like he hates me SO much, which is bizarre because he had an affair and left me high and dry when the dcs were small.

He resents every penny he gives me, he no doubt slags me off to his partner, he's just been an absolute thorn in my side when there's really no need.

Given the choice I'd be on civil terms for the sake of dcs. I don't tend to talk to friends about this in case I just seem like someone whinging on about my ex, so it's such a relief to get this out!

You are most definitely not alone.
Ten years apart, the thought of being at a social event together makes me feel ill (children's weddings...??)
Communicate through very occasional text messages or curt emails.
Ater separate counselling with a view to joint, the counsellor advised me that joint shouldn't proceed due to his attitude.
The resentment and blame to me on his part is what really grinds me down, considering I left in secret due to DV.
It's hard for the children. But I feel like I have to stand my ground and not get emotionally destroyed again.

@Merrymermaid7

Yes, it's been years now. We can be civil but only if I agree to defer to him and agree to everything. One disagreement sets it all off again, I feel it will never be over and my kids have to deal with this, sorry you are dealing with it too

This is what I find. Being civil means I do exactly what he wants.

Been divorced 12 years and now completely NC with exH. Divorce was fairly amicable and financial settlement agreed including lifetime spousal maintenance because of his high earnings. Five years later, new younger wife who took a dislike to our DD. Cue an attempt to stop final years school fees for our DD, would only pay if I stopped the maintenance. Fought that one off. Then two years after that launched a farcical court case to end the maintenance, went to three final hearings. Totally unnecessary as I was prepared to negotiate. Result was a substantial final settlement to me which has given me my life back. In the process realised how much he had ripped me off because of non disclosure.

However, collateral damage was our DD. His behaviour indicated how little he cared for her. Allowed his new woman to verbally abuse and intimidate her. DD hasn't seen him for about seven years now and unlikely to be resolved because he doesn't do emotions or apologies.

In an ideal world exes would move on and behave with maturity and magnanimity. Some make it work and I do admire them for it. Unfortunately you can't control how people behave and there are consequences which probably accounts for a fair proportion of broken relationships.

I get the 'if only you weren't so stubborn/were more reasonable/more civil' messages. Everyone of them is code for be quiet, compliant and do as you are told.

I think they are just using the same control tactics that they used while you were together, making things difficult for you unless you do what they say. I read that this is why they are so angry about child maintenance - they get no control through this the way they might have when you were together, it doesn't serve them so they resent it. I think a lot of reasonable people think/hope their partners will do the decent thing and think about what is best for the children but the reality is the person you are seeing now is the person they always were. You have my sympathies because it sounds enormously stressful, tiring and demoralising.

Thanks Sleepytimebear you've hit the nail on the head it really is all of those things.

Thanks for all the posts on here and sorry to all of those going through this, hope it at least gives some comfort not to be alone, it has to me.

So hard to see the dcs getting dragged into it all I know

@Sleepytimebear you are definitely onto something about maintenance. My ex has to be forced by the state to pay and is penalised 20% extra for the pleasure but in his mind it's worth it to 'deprive' me of 4%. I often get messages questioning what I spend the money on. He gets the same answer EVERY time 'booze, fags and getting my nails done'. I also get the 'my children' texts. Hmmm I carried, birthed, fed and now raise them so less of the 'my'. He hates that I earn double what he does, he hates I live in a significantly nicer area in a nice big, brand new house, he hates I have great friends and family support and when I get my new car and take the children away abroad later on the year he will be apoplectic!
He's got no control over my life. Even when he doesn't turn up for the children with half a days notice it causes me no disruption as I always have a plan b if I'm working or have plans. It's just the children he emotionally harms and that is the upsetting part.

@sleepybear You've summed it so so brilliantly here.

@Sleepytimebear, utterly this.

I can't believe how many of you also seem to have been married to my ex husband! I wish I'd discovered MN when we first split up 11 years ago.