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Original poster

Partner has new job working away

50 replies

Lcar · 19/01/2022 01:57

My partner started a new job in November, working away. He’s been home for 10 days (Christmas) since then, and he won’t be back till the end of March.
He’s 2 and a half hours away at the moment, so I’ve been going to see him every couple of weeks, but he’s busy working even when I’m there.
We talk every night, but already I can feel the conversation getting more ‘today I did this’ and less personal.
He didn’t work away when we met - this is new.
He enjoys the work, and in a big way he’s happier, and that makes me happy to see him fulfilled.
But truthfully I hate him working away - it wasn’t on the cards from my point of view, there was never any suggestion that he might work away.
I can imagine the best way to handle it is to very much get on with my life without him, but I can only imagine that our relationship is going to get more distant as we both get more used to being apart rather than together.
Any good advice on making the best of it?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2022 02:13

If it's not working for you, it's not working. It might be time to go your separate ways.

Imayhaveerred · 19/01/2022 02:40

Been there, got divorced in the end.

Does he have to work when you visit, or is he choosing to?

Pekkala · 19/01/2022 03:04

Does he travel to see you as well?
If not, does he contribute to your travel costs?
Can you meet at a central location for weekends?
Is this likely to be a long term situation?

My DP is away long term at the moment... we have managed to get through multiple moves, time differences & shift patterns. It can be exhausting, but can work if you both want it to enough.

On the conversation front, we talk (argue!) about politics and current affairs, and have a couple of shared nerdy interests so can quite happily blather on and not be reliant about talking about our respective days. Also - phone sex to keep the connection!

TheSandgroper · 19/01/2022 04:43

Look up fly in fly out (Fifo) websites, Facebook and forums. There will be a lot of people to support you.

Plmoknijbuhv · 19/01/2022 05:37

It would easily be doable to travel to see each other every weekend. It is not that far. I did this for a year with my now DH when circumstances meant we had to be in different cities. Had to use public transport but the cost was managable

icklekid · 19/01/2022 05:43

Bigger issue if he’s working every weekend and not willing to stop when you visit. If it was just week days easily manageable for visiting alternative weekends or meeting half way. But he has to engage in the relationship to keep it working. If he isn’t interested in seeing/ prioritising you between now and March that’s your answer…

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 05:45

Is he working 7 days a week? If not, there needs to be more effort to make it work

peachicetea · 19/01/2022 05:47

This happened with my relationship op . We were together 8 years and he started working away . Once it was for the whole year and only back on weekends . In the end we stopped texting and no phone calls at night . When he was home I was so used to him not being there I just felt awkward . I told him how I felt and after him arguing with me loads about it and not staying home to work , which he could of there was really no need for him to work away , I finally built up he courage and said if it carries on il end the relationship because it's not working for me . He stopped working away o my surprise. Maybe have a talk to him about how you are feeling x

Gargellen · 19/01/2022 05:55

My ex took a job where he only came home at weekends. We drifted apart. He then started spending weekends away too for the overtime and like peachicetea I got so used to living on my own that I started to not enjoy his company when he did come home.

He found someone else and lied about it for ages. By that time I frankly didn't give a shit one way or the other and we separated.

BDavis · 19/01/2022 07:13

@Lcar A few questions OP. How long have you been together? Does he work everyday when he’s away? Are you comfortable saying what kind of industry he’s in? How long will he be home for each time? What is your situation regarding work/where you live?

My DH works at sea. He started the job 5/6 months after we got together and it definitely took a while for us to get into the swing if it. When ever he’s working in the UK I could go and see him when I’m off work but he works 7 days when he’s away, he’s always “on call” and doesn’t work typical hours so I know I’ll end up sitting alone in whatever accommodation he’s staying in - so I just don’t go 🤷🏻‍♀️ We’ve been together now for 11 years.
The longest trips he’s done have been about 12 weeks and the shortest are 2 weeks. He’s been everywhere from 3 hours away to working in the Middle East.
I’m happy for you to DM me if you want a proper chat about lifestyle etc 😊

Fatgalslim · 19/01/2022 11:17

2.5 hours away?! That was my commute to work before I was WFH, I never stayed out overnight, neither did my then DP whose commute was longer

Momijin · 19/01/2022 11:19

Why is he busy working even when you go and see him?

MrMrsJones · 19/01/2022 11:24

How long have you been together

Does he work Mon to Fri weekends off

Why can he travel to you as well

Seems like he isn't putting in much effort

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/01/2022 14:51

It doesn't sound like he's putting in much effort to keep the relationship going. It takes two and all that!

For me, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it leads to emotional distance and indifference. You may be the same.

belle40 · 19/01/2022 15:51

This wrecked my marriage. Sorry OP. I was used to my exH being away (military)but when he took a job on the other side of the country where I wasn't able to get a job and I ended up driving up and down, living in a spare room for a few days a week and then driving to him for the rest of the week. It became apparent that all of the plans we had made were less important to him that having what he wanted. He started another relationship and our marriage ended. I think you need to think about what you want. The working at weekends is really odd. Have you had a conversation about how you feel?

Wnkingawalrus · 19/01/2022 15:59

Why isn’t he coming home at the weekends? Or has he moved permanently? In either case now that the longer Christmas visit it out the way you need to figure out a routine that works for you both, and that shouldn’t be you doing all the travelling.

2.5 hours really isn’t that far.

RunningInTheWind · 19/01/2022 16:02

2.5 hours is nothing. My Tesco is 2 hrs away and I go most weeks.

Original poster
Lcar · 19/01/2022 16:03

Thanks all.
We’ve been together 2 and a bit years.
Not living together, but we were planning to move in together this summer when my youngest finishes A levels and goes to uni.
I’ve been separated from ex nearly 4 years, my oldest and youngest kids live with me, the middle two are at uni.
I work full time, from home at the mo, so I can be flexible as to where I work.
But it isn’t fair to leave my kids more than every other weekend, so I go to Devon (where he’s working) Thursday night to Sunday every 2 weeks.
Partner works as a construction site manager, he’s in charge of up to 30 workers 7 days a week, 7am-7pm. He’s first aider and his head’s on the block re both meeting schedules and health and safety, so he has a lot on his plate.
He’s always on call, 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, but the first couple of times I visited (before Christmas) he only had a few staff on site and was able to spend time with me, and we went out for lunch.
Last weekend when I went, he was working solidly, I barely saw him, and he was too tired when he’d finished to connect in any real way.
He’s trying to arrange cover for next time I go to see him, and said he feels bad and he’ll make it up to me.
This job ends late March.
He’ll take 10 days or so leave then, and said he’ll take me away for part of it.
His next job is likely to be in Glasgow, so no visits, and he then has a site lined up which is twice the size of his current job (100 Parkdean chalets to rebuild, rather than 50 this time).
That feels like a long time to be apart.
I don’t want to move from where I’m living with the kids while he’s working away - I’d rather stay close to my friends, and what’s the point in moving when he won’t be there.
He says after those jobs, he can work close to home, but will we still have a relationship?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2022 16:05

I don't understand why he doesn't come home at weekends? Everyone I know who works away drives home Friday eve then either goes back Sunday eve or really early Monday morning.

Fair enough if he was in another country, or you lived in Cornwall and he worked in the Outer Hebrides but 2.5hrs is nothing!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2022 16:06

Did he work 7 days a week when he lived nearby?

Justkeeppedaling · 19/01/2022 16:08

Two and a half hours isn't "working away" - it's having a long commute!

Can he wfh at all, or request flexible working so that he works 4 long days and has a 3 day weekend each week? Then he can either come home every weekend, or you could go there - or meet up somewhere to shake it up a bit.

Original poster
Lcar · 19/01/2022 16:20

He was supposed to be home every weekend, but couldn’t get site manager cover at weekends and decided to work anyway. Then it was supposed to be 12 days on then 3 off. And now he works 7 days a week regardless. He likes the extra money.

The first few weeks in this job he worked 5 days, home at weekends, which was fine. Well, it was ok.
Before that he was home every night.
For the last 2 years we’ve spent 3 or 4 days a week together, including most weekends, either at his place or mine.
He says he has to take these big jobs to get the experience he needs to move up the ranks and work closer to home, but he’s already on good money, and so am I. We wouldn’t have money worries, and I’m frankly not interested in loads of money.

This is second/third time around for both of us, both had horrendous 20+ year relationships which it’s taken us a while to get over, we’re both in our 50s and it’s been fantastic for the last 2 years. I’m determined to live right now. Who knows what 5 years will bring? Now is what’s important. I’m very, very afraid that in a year and a half or so when he moves back closer to home we’ll have no relationship left.

OP posts:
Justkeeppedaling · 19/01/2022 16:22

Have you told him how you feel? If you have, and he still doesn't come home, I would just get on with enjoying your own life. I hope that you can find a way to still be together when he eventually does return to the fold.

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 16:26

And now he works 7 days a week regardless. He likes the extra money.

Right now hes telling you the money is more important than your relationship.

It's not healthy for him to work every single day and it'll catch up with him eventually.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2022 16:42

He is 50 and works 7 days a week every week?

Screw that. He should be getting ti the point now where he works on a better work life balance not a worse one

You don't have to accept this.