Partner has new job working away

[Lcar]

My partner started a new job in November, working away. He’s been home for 10 days (Christmas) since then, and he won’t be back till the end of March.
He’s 2 and a half hours away at the moment, so I’ve been going to see him every couple of weeks, but he’s busy working even when I’m there.
We talk every night, but already I can feel the conversation getting more ‘today I did this’ and less personal.
He didn’t work away when we met - this is new.
He enjoys the work, and in a big way he’s happier, and that makes me happy to see him fulfilled.
But truthfully I hate him working away - it wasn’t on the cards from my point of view, there was never any suggestion that he might work away.
I can imagine the best way to handle it is to very much get on with my life without him, but I can only imagine that our relationship is going to get more distant as we both get more used to being apart rather than together.
Any good advice on making the best of it?

@RunningInTheWind

2.5 hours is nothing. My Tesco is 2 hrs away and I go most weeks.

Rofl 🤣

What’s so funny dear?

He was supposed to be home every weekend, but couldn’t get site manager cover at weekends and decided to work anyway. Then it was supposed to be 12 days on then 3 off. And now he works 7 days a week regardless. He likes the extra money.

This is the crux of it really OP, as sad as it is. He likes the extra money more than he likes the prospect of spending more time with you.

This doesn't sound like a happy, healthy, fun and fulfilling relationship.

If he couldn't get the site manager to cover, what's his role? Is he more senior than the site manager? If not, it's not his problem.

@RunningInTheWind

What’s so funny dear?

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend, it was just a light-hearted comment in the middle of my moaning and it made me smile 😊 x

@girlmom21

If he couldn't get the site manager to cover, what's his role? Is he more senior than the site manager? If not, it's not his problem.

He’s trying to prove himself in a new role on a £3.5m contract. He’s doing really well and is ahead of schedule, but he doesn’t want to invite any criticism if it doesn’t land on target - he doesn’t want them to be able to say ‘you could have done it if you’d kept the site open at weekends.’ The issue is that he can’t get another site manager to cover him for weekends off - though his boss is going to cover next weekend when I go to visit. Though actually my heart sank when he said he still won’t be able to leave site as his boss isn’t a qualified first aider 🤔

Maybe I’m over-reacting, but I can just feel things going downhill 😔

I wouldn’t be sticking in this relationship unless we were married and it was for our joint financial benefit.

What do you get out of this?

It’s quite standard at his level of responsibility on a live site to be working/available 7 days a week. Agree 2.5 hours is really not far though.

He is prioritising work over you. That would be a deal breaker for me.

He's prioritising the money and job over time with you.

He can't be surprised if you decide this isn't acceptable.

For a short time, sure, but this looks like a longer term plan for him.

He’s trying to prove himself in a new role on a £3.5m contract.

In that case, I'm more on his side. I understand his argument.

Why not just leave things as they are ... you are both busy, you have four DC (does he have DC?), you have only been dating for two covid years which isn't really that long. He sounds like a responsible, hard working bloke ... just get on with your life and see him as and when it suits you.

I wouldn’t be sticking in this relationship unless we were married and it was for our joint financial benefit.

This!

I was just thinking to myself "I bet all the extra money goes to him".
Sounds like he's doing some retirement planning, at your expense.

Our current distance is 6 hours. I'd love 2.5. It's entirely doable for weekends and emergencies.

I think that kind of job would be an issue even if you lived much closer. The 7 day a week nature is a nightmare (why can't his boss get first aid trained?!) and you'll probably have this situation for 10-15 years at least if he stays in the sector

Dp has a 3-5 year get-out plan for his. And gets an insane amount of annual leave which means regular chunks of time are spent back with us. It's very difficult and often lonely. I'm trying to build up new friendships as our old circles have drifted due to their own moves and circumstances.

Clearly puts work and money before you. It’s up to you if you don’t want to be part of that.

@Suprima

I wouldn’t be sticking in this relationship unless we were married and it was for our joint financial benefit.

What do you get out of this?

Absolutely this.

@Lcar, his actions clearly show you're NOT his priority. Frankly, I'd have ended it when he decided to take up that job. Why are your relationship expectations of men so low OP?

You're letting him have his cake and eat it and just use you for his own benefit. He's getting to focus on making a shed load of money for himself and his own future while having a pliable "good for now" girlfriend on the side who he's not committed to via marriage who takes it on herself to travel to provide him with relationship benefits.

My DH worked away Monday-Friday for a long time but in the end it wasn't working so he stopped.

Could you meet for dinner once a week at 8.30 somewhere in the middle? 1hr 15 minute drive to meet up seems reasonable- particularly if you work from home so it's not on top of a commute?

I wouldn't like this at all. You have no ties with him. He doesnt seem that interested and I say that kindly. I would be very bored of this relationship.

I find it annoying that posters are getting hung up on the 2.5 hours detail. The OP isn’t in a relationship with her local Tesco, she’s in one with a man who appears to prioritise working some distance from her and it’s eating at her happiness.

OP, my recent ex worked long hours overseas for two weeks at a time and, like other posters, the absence and flitting in and out of my life (whilst he tried to accommodate his family and friends alongside me) left me feeling distant and disinterested. The fact his working pattern didn’t benefit me in any form probably contributed to that and I can relate to what you’re saying about phone calls being underwhelming and almost admin-like in their quality.

I think you have already sussed out that this arrangement won’t work for you long term. I’d suggest building a life that is too good to up-sticks from (not saying you don’t have this already) and be really upfront with him about what you expect from a relationship and how you don’t feel he is meeting your needs. He may surprise you but he may not. Either way you will have an awesome life to fall back on where someone who’s willing to prioritise you could fit in nicely.

I would never date anyone again where significant distance and time apart is part of the equation. I learned my lesson.

Sounds like he is prioritising money here
Ok if married for join financial advantage
If you hang around you have paused your life / fun for him
He has done as he likes improved his position and has a big wedge of cash if you part
2.5 hours is not a million miles away
I think some solid plans are needed one way or the other

If your relationship is otherwise great, then perhaps you can ride out this temporary inconvenience. If it's a dealbreaker to you, then you can at least give him fair warning of that...'You know I don't like not seeing you, that isn't what I signed up for. I'll support you through this busy period and until the job in Scotland finishes, but after that I'd like you to go back to how it was before. If you want to continue working away from home 7 days a week then I'm not up for that and would see that as the end of our relationship. Not a threat - simply a statement of how things lie, so we're both clear'.

My ex husband started to work away during our marriage. It killed the marriage over time. Then he had an affair With someone he met at work. I wouldn't go into this situation again with a husband, never mind a boyfriend. It's a disaster for intimacy.

His job is his priority evidently, which is fine, but it's not unreasonable for you to want more from a relationship. My DH is ex forces and he used to live away during the week, but he would travel back whenever possible, even if just for an evening and night if on duty at weekends etc- and it was a 3 hour drive each way in his final posting. Some are content with minimal contact, but for me personally I think if long distance there has to be an effort both sides, he should be prioritising travelling to see you too.

In a lot of ways I admire how hard he’s working, how he puts heart and soul into his job.
But what it means for me is that he’s constantly tired, he doesn’t have much to say and yawns constantly (which I don’t take personally), and when we do see each other he’s too tired to do anything or even talk much.
I did say right at the start that I’m not feeling the working away thing, and I don’t think it will work for me.
Certainly not long term.
But he explained why he needs to do it for a while.
If it’s more than a while, then it’s definitely not right for me. I want a flesh and blood partner, who’s here more often than not. Work is a phase of life - life is for as long as it lasts, and should take priority.

@Coffee4685 Thank you, that’s pretty much mail on the head.
I have some hangover relationship issues from my 23 year former marriage, but things have been really good for 2 years with my partner.
I’m just wondering whether things actually aren’t that good - maybe I’ve got my rose-tinted glasses out as it’s ‘so much better than it used to be’.
I know I hate this distance thing. It’s not the way I want to live my life, long term.