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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Come and tell me I am a fool

36 replies

FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:30

I have messed up. I have fallen in love. I am having an affair and I know he is using me. I want to stop but I feel trapped because he says he will love me forever and I have promised the same thing. We work together (he is my mentor and far up the food chain). I know I am a fool. I am lying here crying because of how he has behaved today. I just need straight, don't be an idiot.

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/01/2022 00:37

Affairs never end well.

Even if the person leaves their partner there will always be a lack of trust.

What is so special about this man in particular that your sitting crying because he has behaved badly? There are millions of men on this planet, this man is not the one. He's a mistake who is using you for an ego boost.

The promises to love each other forever are ridiculous too, you can't promise that to anyone except your children. Your love should always be conditional with a partner.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2022 00:38

Stop being a fool then and stop acting as though you don't have a choice as to how you move forward. End it, get a new job if you have to.

Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:40

Yes, it's all ridiculous. I don't want to leave my family. He doesn't want to leave his.

He made me feel special but I am younger than him, more popular than him and a 'catch'. Nothing more.

I need to see him tomorrow and end it. I know. It has all been utterly secret and I just needed to articulate this

OP posts:
Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:42

Thank you. This is exactly the narrative I need to stop this all. He spins all this we are meant to be together crap and I know it is crap. He is 20 years older than me and has all sorts of influence. It is all so wrong

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 19/01/2022 00:47

how did he behave to you today?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/01/2022 00:48

Don't meet to end it, he will talk you round and flatter you into keeping it going.

He 100% has done this before you, and will do it again after you too.

If you keep it going then you won't have the choice whether to leave your partner or not, he will leave you.

Just stay away, block his number, and make sure you're not alone with him. If he attempts to pursue you anymore then report him. He will not want to risk his career.

You've made some stupid decisions up until now, let this be the end point of this whole mess now.

Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:52

@bluebell34567 Just off really and hot and cold. I think there is a lot of game playing. Bombarding with affection and then withdrawing. The thing is I can see it.
@ABCeasyasdohrayme I can't avoid him

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 19/01/2022 00:54

can you act like it never happened?

Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:54

@ABCeasyasdohrayme you're right he has done it before. The field I work in everyone is sleeping with everyone else. I get propositioned all the time but until now I always said no.

He just makes me feel really special. And Ioved that feeling but today I realised it is all just words.

Of course I always knew but today it was clear

OP posts:
Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:55

I can't act like it never happened. He wouldn't understand. We didn't fight. I just realised it was all bullshit

OP posts:
Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:57

The things he likes about me are things no-one else ever has liked. He is kind to me and nice.

I believed him but I realised today it is all words. Words are cheap.

OP posts:
Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 00:58

Writing it here helps, it breaks the spell of secrecy. The idea that we are 'destined' to be together. It helps me see he doesn't really think I am 'the one' he sees me as an easy lay

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/01/2022 00:59

Its easy to make someone feel special when all you get are snatched moments and you don't have any of the monotony of normal life. He can say whatever he wants to you and never have to face the consequences or live up to his words because you have too much to lose.

Can you look for a new job? Inform HR there was a brief fling and you're worried about any backlash from him?

He sounds awful, a sleazy old man who uses his position to flatter those under his guidance into sleeping with him, promises the world and delivers heartache.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/01/2022 01:01

@FoolishWoman453

The things he likes about me are things no-one else ever has liked. He is kind to me and nice.

I believed him but I realised today it is all words. Words are cheap.

He is very clever, he's picked up on your insecurities and used them to flatter you.

How long have you been with your dp/dh?

FreyaMaya · 19/01/2022 01:05

You're a fool! A very very big one

Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 01:06

I can move departments. It's possible.

I'm not a teenager, I feel like such a fool for falling for it all.

And yes, he promises the earth always and then there is always a reason he can't deliver. I was on the phone to him tonight and I realised he does not really care.

I am not happily married but everyone thinks I am. My husband was violent and a gambling addict but that stopped in lockdown. Nobody knows that either. I can't leave my marriage because it means leaving my whole social network and my children.

I thought this was my compromise. I have been with my husband for 25 years since I was 17 and I thought I would just have 5 years if romance and then grow old with him.

Such a fucking idiot

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 19/01/2022 01:06

Clearly he's filling a void of some kind - you need to look closely at your motivation here... it's not really about HIM at all. He symbolises something.

Distance yourself and book some counselling to work out what's happened to put you in this position. This is something you're going to have to live with forever, so start making less harmful choices.

Christoncrutches · 19/01/2022 01:07

@FoolishWoman453

I can move departments. It's possible.

I'm not a teenager, I feel like such a fool for falling for it all.

And yes, he promises the earth always and then there is always a reason he can't deliver. I was on the phone to him tonight and I realised he does not really care.

I am not happily married but everyone thinks I am. My husband was violent and a gambling addict but that stopped in lockdown. Nobody knows that either. I can't leave my marriage because it means leaving my whole social network and my children.

I thought this was my compromise. I have been with my husband for 25 years since I was 17 and I thought I would just have 5 years if romance and then grow old with him.

Such a fucking idiot

why would it mean leaving your social network and children?
Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 01:10

The thing is that I am really successful in my professional life. I am not stupid.

I just don't want to leave my husband and I wanted someone to love me. My husband does sometimes but doesn't other times and often says he doesn't like me. I have tried so hard to make the marriage work.

And here was someone also clever and successful saying let's be each other's escape roots and I fell for it. But he meant for me to be his escape

OP posts:
Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 01:12

@Christoncrutches
All my husbands friends and mine are mutual. They all think we are a golden couple. Nobody knows how hard things were. Nobody would take my side

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 19/01/2022 01:13

At least get a payrise and promotion from the old coot.

Are your DC about grown up?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/01/2022 01:13

Op, given what you have said about your husband I can absolutely see why this has happened.

Its not about this guy, its about escaping from your reality.

You're the same age as I am. I too got trapped with a violent man, and used to fantasise about getting swept off my feet and 'saved' from my crappy marriage.

I contacted women's aid, got me and my kids away, and made a whole new life for myself. I know it seems impossible, but, trust me when I say, one day ,you'll be in your own home, with your kids, no violent man, and you'll look back and wonder why you stayed so long.

This man isn't a Knight in shining armour, but he may be the catalyst for realising you deserve more from life than your husband.

VioletLemon · 19/01/2022 01:14

I hear you, this man is going to wreck your life and your families lives and believe me when you are the reason that your partner is crying in front of your children and the children are scarred you will never forgive yourself.

Don't meet him in person, Do it by text and say this, "This isn't working. I'm bored, it's run its course goodbye"

No man will ever follow up with anything remotely stalkerish due to the insinuation they are boring.

He has been shagging around forever, how many STD tests do you think his wife has done? Imagine she was your Mum, how would it feel. Get yourself tested, for everything.

You know it's in the wrong, please get out. You Are bored but you can find a different way forward.

Original poster
FoolishWoman453 · 19/01/2022 01:15

My children would choose my husband.

I know I sound so fucking wet. Hiding abuse from one man, running into the arms of another sleepy arse.

You wouldn't believe me if you saw me in real life. I am known as confident etc.,

I am never going to leave my husband. I know I am going to grow old with him.

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/01/2022 01:16

Did your children not witness any of the abuse?