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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I stay or should I go?

68 replies

WitchSpace · 18/01/2022 19:16

I'm with a man who I'm totally in love with. He says he loves me too and shows it all the time.
We've been together almost 2 years and he says that he's on the point of either asking me to marry him or to split up- big difference!!
He says he loves me, I'm the best partner he's ever had. His daughter adores me and I love her. His worry is that we have a lot of differences and he wonders if he was with someone more like him it might be easier.
He's a business person and in tech and I'm an academic scientist.
I think that we work because where one of us is weaker, the other is stronger. He's my best friend.
He also says that because his body has gone through massive changes- he's now got a six pack and used to be chubby,he wonders what it would be like to be desirable and have women after him and kind of wishes he could play about.
He was married before and doesn't want to make a mistake again.

I want it to work and genuinely believe we are great together. What do I do? Carry on and wait? Try to convince him? Tell him to get lost? I don't know.
We talked about a break but I told him I wouldn't be sitting waiting on him once he was done screwing around. It made me rage a bit!

OP posts:

JM77 · 19/01/2022 08:37

I’m pretty sure I want to leave my husband and that I’d be happier without him. This has been a reoccurring though of mine for years. He was unkind and critical towards me for a number of years and it got to the point where I didn’t feel like he liked me anymore let alone loved me. We went through counselling which tried to help me understand certain behaviours of his (all due to stress and undiagnosed depression) and to help me move on and for him to change and to a certain extent it did, he’s tried really hard, but I still have this feeling I’d be happier alone, maybe too much water under the bridge. I tried to leave twice last year but he manages to convince me to stay. Tells me I’ll regret it, this isn’t what I want, think of the children, give it another few weeks, If I do this he will disappear for a while because it’s just too painful. And then I can’t bear going through all that process again so I don’t. We have 2 children aged 2 and 5 and I’m so torn as to whats best for them and that maybe I can just push this feeling down and carry on. He’s a good dad and treats us nicely mostly now until he gets overly stressed but is better at reigning himself back now, he’s good around the house and makes effort for us but I just can’t shake this feeling. I still feel like I can’t be totally myself around him. We can have a laugh sometimes but I see it more like friends and awkward when it gets flirty. He’s doesn’t like me going out and will badger me constantly when I am “just checking in” “where are you now” and I’m just so tired of living like it. Promises of this change never actually materialises although he is trying.

Would I be happier Or am I just going through a tough few years and need to fight it? Reading that second option it’s clear to me it’s not what I want but he won’t accept anything but is making this marriage work. I know I’m the only one who can sort this but I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance to listen to what my hearts telling me I suppose. Has anyone been here before and have a happy ending either way? Thanks for reading.

PicaK · 19/01/2022 10:14

In the nicest possible way you need to start your own thread

KurtWilde · 19/01/2022 10:23

@JM77 .. kindly.. this is OP's thread, a place to discuss her issues. If you need a chat about your relationship best to start your own

JM77 · 19/01/2022 10:26

Yes apologies OP I’m new here, I thought I was starting a new post and now I don’t know how to delete.

Crumbs22 · 19/01/2022 11:08

He's told you more than you need to know. Waste no more time with this one, please.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2022 11:11

he's on the point of either asking me to marry him or to split up- big difference!!

He sounds insane.

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/01/2022 11:17

He sounds like a self-important twat. What a bloody cheek. Chuck him out now.

bjrce · 19/01/2022 16:20

"he wonders what it would be like to be desirable and have women after him and kind of wishes he could play about!"

The fact that he thinks its acceptable to speak to you like this - demonstrates a total lack of awareness or he is complete dick head!

I am thinking the later! Someone in love doesn't speak to their partner like that!
The only person he loves is himself!

I think its awful that you are even asking the question- its like you are immune to his horrible self entitlement!

Do yourself a favour and get rid of him -

CheekyHobson · 19/01/2022 18:39

he says that he's on the point of either asking me to marry him or to split up- big difference!!

Yup. Anyone who finds themselves torn between asking their partner to commit to the relationship forever or breaking up with that same partner so they can play the field obviously has no understanding of the relational foundation that marriage rests on.

A couple is ready for marriage when both partners feel an unshakeable sense of certainty, security and trust in the other's love for and commitment to them. Telling you that he is 50/50 about staying together or breaking up means that you absolutely cannot feel a true sense of security or trust in committing to him. So him saying that to you means that even if he asks you to marry him, your answer should be a hard "NO" because that level of uncertainty at this point in your relationship shows a deep ambivalence towards marriage on his part. He's not a good bet.

Given that his first marriage failed, I think it's clear that he hasn't learned the important lessons from that failure.

pictish · 19/01/2022 19:57

I’d say, “Let me make it an easy choice for you by taking the decision out of your hands. We’re splitting up.”

Seriously, I’d be outraged that he saw fit to present this to me as a dilemma. Fuck off then…clearly.

Milkyway34x · 19/01/2022 19:59

Well it sounds like emotional abuse. He's debating whether he could have better than you now he feels better. What sort of insult is that. How will you get over that.

You can't convince him. You are not up against other women.. you are not fighting for a place. You didn't sign up for that. If my bf Saif this to me I'd be telling him exactly where he can go!

Soulstirring · 19/01/2022 20:01

Leave the prick. He doesn’t think you’re good enough for him and assumes he can do better.

When I was in my late teens I had an ex who would say this kind of thing to me and talk about how he would break up with me in x year at university etc for more experience. I ended it with him and never looked back - I realised I could do so my much better and did. He however has spent his life unfulfilled and at one point told me he regretted it all (he’s still a distant family friend)

Chose you!!

00k198300 · 19/01/2022 20:13

Hi
Im looking for a little advice iv been with partner 18 years the last couple of years hes been really deep in all this conspiracy theroies about coronavirus,vaccines just everything. He spends all his time on his phone on youtube looking up watching videos he never communicates with me or our children. Me and him can be in the same room for hours and he dosent say a word to me and when he does its always about conspiracy rubbish that i believe nothing in its so hard to live with someone like this i think its become an obsession the relationship feels dead he spends all his time on his phone researching rubbish i feel alone and upset that all this conspiracy has taken over and i mean nothing. Iv told him how i feel about all of it but he just shouts and says im shutting him down. He calls me a sheep and that i need waking up.
What can i do? What should i do?
Hes driving me mad with this i have heart problems and its not doing me any favours.
I have no adult conversation at all only talk to my children.
I

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 19/01/2022 20:26

He's a knobhead and he's is stringing you along, getting you to try harder. Knob. Don't play that game you'll never win. Take control.

antivaxxer123 · 19/01/2022 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

00k198300 · 19/01/2022 20:32

Picak
Im so sorry i realised after i put it on someones post and cant seem to delete it.
Its my first time here i just saw it said add post so i did just that.
Iv no found it and created my own post

Fairycake2 · 19/01/2022 23:09

What a prick! I hope you've told him to go fuck himself

layladomino · 21/01/2022 12:25

Eugh he sounds vile!

What an arrogant, imature arse!

Of course he isn't deciding between proposing and splitting up! That just doesn't happen. To want to marry someone, that means you love them and can't imagine life without them. He clearly doesn't feel that way about you, if he's considering - even for a nano second - splitting up.

So he's lying to you. Add that to the list of his failings.

He's playing with you (add that too). He's trying to make you feel insecure. He wants you to think he deserves better and you're lucky to have him. When in fact he sounds like a arse and he's no catch.

You deserve so much better.

When someone loves you and wants to get married / make a commitment, there are no question marks. No questions. On either side.

At best he's immature, arrogant, selfish and lying.
At worst he's a controlling abusive man (and you're starting to see it).

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