Depressed DH improves but now expecting too much of me?

[Rocket123]

My husband was severely depressed for at least 2 years and my life with 3 little kids was very hard and isolated especially during lockdowns. He's recently done a lot to improve his situation, working again and sticking to routine etc which is really good, I know that can't have been easy for him so I've told him it's impressive. But he's getting angry every so often that I haven't snapped back into normality now he's 'normal' again. I feel detached because I learnt to detach in order to survive the bad times. I'm struggling to give my all to him. I am not horrible but I'm probably a bit cold... I'll hug him and tell him I'm proud of what he's done so I'm not totally cold. But I am just not feeling the same.

He keeps getting mad at me, saying I'm making the marriage fail. I tried to explain that I detached to survive the bad times but he doesn't seem to understand and I'm not strong enough to split the family when I feel this doubt over whether I should just try harder. Guess I have low self esteem so I easily believe I am to blame.

Anyone ever felt like this? I've gone from surviving him being depressed straight into being told I'm not trying hard enough to keep the relationship. Got 3 kids and I'm so scared about splitting up and how I and he would cope, but I feel tormented by all the things I feel I'm doing wrong given that he had a mental health issue. Have therapy but 1 hour a week just doesn't cut it really, too many things to work on!

Jeez, he's never happy is he?

When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

Never! But he has been trying to sit with me in the evenings, hug me and kiss me etc. He feels he's trying and I'm rejecting him. I guess I kind of am keeping him at arms length but it's not fair is it! Seems he can't actually understand how the whole thing might have affected me

So he's very much an 'now I'm alright Jack you need to be too, centre me again and forget your needs'?

Yes! That's a good way to put it. I'm so used to worrying about him I can't think clearly

I guess I keep thinking he's still fragile so I'm still giving him a bit of a pass. And I have to make him see his efforts to improve were worthwhile. I just need to write this all down because I feel so stuck. He has a strop and huffs a lot and I think it's affecting the kids :( struggling to understand when it's really over vs I just need time to adjust

You're not doing anything wrong, at all.

He's not seeing (or deliberately ignoring, maybe out of guilt) the enormous impact that his illness had on you, too. I've been on both sides of this and actually, found supporting someone very mentally unwell harder - at least when I was very mentally ill I was more selfish and self-protective, but when I was supporting DH I was exhausted and having to do so much to keep him afloat too.

Also, a caregiving relationship is not good for attraction and connection - it takes you from equals to unbalanced in some way, and it can be hard to work your way back from. Ditto for being very financially imbalanced - it's tiring and a lot of pressure and resentment (not necessarily by choice, but it can feel that way).

And, in this case especially, the fear that you 'let' yourself get comfortable with the status quo again and it suddenly goes difficult again - it's a huge shift in your relationship you've been through, it's no wonder you're feeling the after effects too.

He needs to understand you went from 'wife and equal' to 'emotional support, sole/main financial provider, sole/main childcare provider, without the same support or connection from your husband'. You don't blame him for that, but that it is what happened, and it isn't something you're going to snap back and be fine from overnight.

I suspect some of it is guilt - like acknowledging the toll on you will make him feel bad for how his illness affected you, which isn't his fault but is understandable. But it's still not fair for him to expect you to just snap back into perfect-marriage mode considering the long shadow mental illness casts over a relationship.

It's good that you're in therapy, but some suggestions...

1. Therapy together (if it's possible)

1. Talk about what specifically he's missing: it may just be that you've not elaborated in your OP but if he's just unhappy with the general 'feel' of your relationship, it'd be useful to know what it is exactly he wants to fix (so you know how to, or if you can, fix it). Is it sex? Quality time together? Do you no longer discuss things with him jointly? Does he feel like you get on with life without him? Have you stopped being playful and fun together? Does your relationship feel more functional or transactional?

1. Think hard about what you need from him - you've spent 2 years giving a lot. What can he do to make you feel looked after, loved, not like the caregiver? Can he change things to help that? Can you give him (back?) a bigger share of responsibilities on certain things, or can he go back to buying flowers and your favourite takeaway every Friday like he used to (or whatever!).

1. Do you still love him? As in, in love with him? If your immediate, guilty thought was no - is it because of something he is or isn't doing? Is it 'yes, but...'? What I mean by this is - it seems coincidental that you'd just fall out of love at the same time he was ill, so although you can leave a relationship for any reason you want at all, it seems to me it's not him you're not in love with, but the situation you've been in. That's fixable, over time, if you want it to be (and if he's willing to do the work too). On the other hand, you deserve to be happy and if your feelings about him have fundamentally shifted, that is okay - you aren't required to stay with someone forever just because they were ill. It would be hard and you'd feel guilty, but if you genuinely don't think there's something worth working on here, don't waste your life being unhappy with someone you can no longer love how you want to.

Fine line between depression and being a twat. Exh refused GP advice and used me as an emotional punchbag. He was too depressed to help with dc and our home but managed golf and the pub just fine.
Exh.
Ex
.
Yanbu to not accept this as your life..

It might be interesting for him to set out all his expectations of the things he feels you are not doing that will make the marriage fail? It might be early days so I'm not expecting he should return to normal but is he doing equal shares of child care, housework, paid work and so on or does he expect you to find the emotional space and time to meet his expectations on top of you doing more?

I think the depression is a red herring. He treated you like crap when he had depression and he's treating you like crap now he's over it. He sees you as his support human - not a real life person with your own wants and needs.

He will always be the person who had depression, and you had to battle through because of it. You can’t forget what happened and he needs to accept that. He is now trying to put the blame on you, but he needs to see and accept his part in it.
It may well be that your relationship is spoiled for ever now. Resentment is a relationship killer.

It doesn't sound like his MH issues ended with the depression subsiding. He needs psychiatric help and maybe a referral for his own therapy. You sound very giving and tolerant but nothing in your marriage is worth permanently damaging your own mental health.

Depression is a complex and debilitating disease. One of the hardest things is that depressed people do not always behave in a way that elicits sympathy. I suspect he has not recovered fully. Its really tough supporting someone with this illness. Many people walk out on their partners when it becomes too much for them

I feel detached because I learnt to detach in order to survive the bad times

Detaching when somebody is ignoring how you feel isn't a fault in you. It's what emotionally healthy people do. It's the appropriate response.

I agree with @Booboobadoo: regardless of what happens, he expects you to be there for him, without considering that you need to be there for you and ideally, you need him to be there for you, reciprocally. You have a one way relationship, where you take care of him, and he takes that.

I’m in a very similar position. My DH was severely ill with OCD/depression/anxiety for 4 years. I had to help him do EVERYTHING. There were times I had to clean him up because he would piss himself after not being able to get out of bed in time.

I didn’t get thanks for this - just rage & anger. The more I handled the more angry he became because he couldn’t handle even small normal things. It was incredibly difficult and I wanted him to leave but there was nowhere for him to go - well he couldn’t get out of bed for a start and the DC love their Dad so I felt I wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye if I left and something happened to him.

He is much better now and is looking for work again. He does housework, DIY, picks up DC from school etc…

But of course all this has affected our relationship. I detached from him and can’t seem to trust him again yet. Our relationship become unequal and I do know how to get it back.

He’s getting annoyed with me for not being affectionate and emotionally there with him. I’m really trying because I don’t want to break up NOW after we’ve overcome so much and I want DC to have a stable, happy home. But it’s really hard. God I need therapy don’t I?

Op I went through a similar experience with my exDH. He would periodically have bouts of depression and anxiety, where I had to nurse him through. I would submerge my feelings of frustration and exhaustion in order to get through it. Then when he felt better I was expected just to snap back into devoted wife mode and anything else he took personally as an unfair rebuke when being unwell was "not his fault". I eventually realised that I was living a shadow life I didn't want and whether it was his "fault" was irrelevant. I am much happier now and don't regret breaking up at all. You only have one life!

I'm guessing the therapy you refer to is couples/relationship therapy? If so you both need separate therapy to work through your feelings and how to communicate your needs to each other.

Also, he may feel a lot of shame about his depression and how he behaved during that time and it might now be coming out as denial plus anger, blame and impatience towards you.

As a generalisation, men often use demands for physical and emotional "affection" (read - sex) as a shortcut to re-establishing the relationship. Totally missing the point that it is not possible to just 'go back to normal' and indeed for most women, sex & intimacy is the LAST thing to come back into the relationship once the reconnection as partners has been made. He rushing you (and himself).

Great advice already from previous posters on how to work out what you want and need and go from there - even if your marriage doesn't survive it may help in getting there more amicably.

It's all about him, isn't it? I agree with pp who said he treated you like crap when he had depression and he's treating you like crap now.

Why does he get to call all the shots? Why do you have to behave in a way he thinks you should? He needs to understand that maybe life was damned tough for you throughout his depression, and maybe you could do with some support from him now. Rather than even more demands from him that you pander to his needs yet again.

Does he mean sex? I might have got the complete wrong end of the stick but wonder if the kissing cuddling etc is a come on but you aren't in that place because you are protecting yourself from his moods etc.

Really sorry if I've read that wrong.

Thank you so much for these replies - so many comforting words of wisdom and solidarity.

I’m several years ahead of you all, and I will say that our relationship never really got back on track.
I have a lot of resentment over stuff that went on when he was ill. It affected our sex life, and he didn’t do anything about that. I personally think sex is the glue that keeps you together, keeps the spark.
Now we sleep in separate rooms and I can’t remember when we last had sex. One, two, three years ago. We don’t kiss, touch, go for a coffee.
I should have gone then.

Similar situation here. Now DH is “well” (better yes, well no) I think he is frustrated it’s not a magic wand and I feel he has no idea of how much he messed us up (I have told him but I’m far from over it) I’m still full of resentment. How do you deal with the resentment though? Is there a certain amount of apology that makes it better? Do you have to just let it go? That would feel like erasing what has happened.

@housemaus This is exactly it, you explained it so well. I think it's guilt - things not being normal is a constant reminder of his mistakes. He wants sex and wants me to be really close to him and to snuggle up with him etc but I feel like there's something stopping me. It's so hard to live like this, I'm emotionally exhausted! I'm going to work through all the points you have raised and give it a lot of thought. Definitely need couples counselling- going to find one. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

@TheGreenLady Yes to all of this.
The DC love their Dad so I felt I wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye if I left and something happened to him. This is me completely. I have felt like I have to make him better for them, they deserve a healthy Dad. I know it's not the right reason to be with him though and it doesn't model a healthy relationship. I am really struggling with knowing when I can be at peace with how much I tried. I'm terrified that he will get really bad if we split, then the kids will have to see it and it will upset them and take away their innocence. They're so pure and sweet :(

I'm also detached and lacking trust. He was bad with money and I'm trying to keep control of it but he doesn't like it much. It doesn't help the dynamics. I don't really respect him any more after everything. He really wants intimacy but it is so far away from how I feel about him right now. He can tell I'm not fully emotionally open to him and it's upsetting him, but I can't fake it. I want the family together so much for the kids, but maybe this is the worst of all options, and I'll regret not making a happy home for the kids?? But what if it makes him worse and that traumatises them and i could have stopped that? It's a massive decision, so much harder from the inside than I could have imagined! I really feel for you going through this too.

Depressed people can be incredibly self-centred. You need to explain to him that you are a person with your own complex range of feelings, emotions, weaknesses and vulnerabilities and you can;t just switch back on at his beck and call. you are not a Stepford wife. What you endured when he was ill was very tough on you and left its mark. If he wants the marriage to work he must stop blaming you and start listening to you, respecting you and supporting you as well as continuing to work on his own wellbeing. His support for and appreciation of you and all you endured while he was ill has to be part of his journey.

@CowboyBebop it is so hard and you're right - he told me I seemed happier when he was fucked up and now he's 'better' I'm just miserable. I tried to explain that I wasn't OK, I was in survival mode and now I'm recovering and need to have my feelings respected too. He does so for about 2 days then the little digs start and he starts making little comments like 'who cares what I want' when I ask him what sandwich he wants. Its so annoying! If I mention being damaged by the last few years I'm told to stop living in the past and frequently told I'm a broken record. I can't quite get over the mental hurdle of letting go and to stop being his crutch. I just want a happy life! But I also want my kids Dad to be OK.