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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depressed DH improves but now expecting too much of me?

67 replies

Rocket123 · 18/01/2022 14:43

My husband was severely depressed for at least 2 years and my life with 3 little kids was very hard and isolated especially during lockdowns. He's recently done a lot to improve his situation, working again and sticking to routine etc which is really good, I know that can't have been easy for him so I've told him it's impressive. But he's getting angry every so often that I haven't snapped back into normality now he's 'normal' again. I feel detached because I learnt to detach in order to survive the bad times. I'm struggling to give my all to him. I am not horrible but I'm probably a bit cold... I'll hug him and tell him I'm proud of what he's done so I'm not totally cold. But I am just not feeling the same.

He keeps getting mad at me, saying I'm making the marriage fail. I tried to explain that I detached to survive the bad times but he doesn't seem to understand and I'm not strong enough to split the family when I feel this doubt over whether I should just try harder. Guess I have low self esteem so I easily believe I am to blame.

Anyone ever felt like this? I've gone from surviving him being depressed straight into being told I'm not trying hard enough to keep the relationship. Got 3 kids and I'm so scared about splitting up and how I and he would cope, but I feel tormented by all the things I feel I'm doing wrong given that he had a mental health issue. Have therapy but 1 hour a week just doesn't cut it really, too many things to work on!

OP posts:

Mumof3dogs · 20/01/2022 20:55

@Rocket123
Thanks for posting this thread!
I've been struggling with a similar situation with my DH and your post and others on thread have helped me recognize that what I am feeling is not abnormal!
My DH has been depressed, angry and generally grumpy for several years which has left me reeling.
We have done some separate counseling which has made him realize how shit he has been to me, so been apologetic and now apparently reformed.
I however am left dealing with feeling frankly broken after the way I was treated. My counseling is helping me re find myself slowly..
He is now being all super affectionate and trying to be touchy feely when he is ready for this and I am nowhere near - any time I reject him or act negatively towards him he acts mighty wounded and blames me for not trying hard enough
It's all rather trying and exhausting!

Original poster

Rocket123 · 20/01/2022 21:30

I'm so glad that this post has helped others that are in a similar situation. It is such a difficult thing to live with. Being in survival mode, being the one keeping life going for the family and then switching to feeling like you're the problem. I wanted him better and wanted a happy family, but now I feel so utterly confused about what I actually want.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rocket123 · 20/01/2022 21:39

I really struggle with feeling like I might be responsible for someone's mental health declining. But I can't win because I'm doing that anyway with the fact I am struggling to be close to him and it's upsetting him. Complicated by the kids and the guilt I feel if I don't try my best to help their Dad.

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 20/01/2022 22:06

But if it's your fault, the best thing to do is leave anyway.

You've tried. You doing your best doesn't make him happy. You don't have to assign blame or fault; accept that it doesn't work. If you want to make him happy, and you think you're the source of his ills, the best thing you can do for him is to stay away from him.

Ideally he'd be taking responsibility for his own welfare and distancing himself from the relationship, but instead he chooses to criticise you until you feel so guilty you're at breaking point. But either way, it's better to put space between you.

silverley · 20/01/2022 22:13

@Rocket123

Do you think he's feeling responsible for the decline he's caused in yours? Do you think he's agonising over his guilt of what he's done to the family? Worrying about the kids and trying to do his best by them and you? Or is he throwing a tantrum because he can't get sex on tap?

TheFoundation · 20/01/2022 22:17

I really struggle with feeling like I might be responsible for someone's mental health declining

Also, how much power do you actually think you have? Do you seriously think that you, being you, is enough to challenge someone's mental health? Have you made anyone else go under recently?

It's REALLY not your responsibility to keep other people sane. If they feel like you're making them lose it, it's up to them to leave. Just like if you feel someone is making you lose it, it's your responsibility to leave.

freeatlast2021 · 20/01/2022 22:29

I am sorry OP but I think that his behavior has nothing to do with his MH but with his personality. Many posters have pointed it out and I am just going to repeat, your husband is selfish, self-centered man. Reminds me a lot of my ex who did not have mental illness btw. There are men out there who think that the world revolves around them. If he is sick, you have to take care of him and the whole house, if he is better you have to “take care of him” and the whole house. You have to do it and be happy doing it too or appear to be happy.

I do not think that you can solve this puzzle at all. His expectations are simply too high and totally unreasonable. He does not care how you feel, what you need, what you want, all he cares about is himself. What he should be doing is trying to understand, empathize, be patient with you and the truth is, I do not think he is capable of it. You only have two options, to stay and suffer or leave, and you need to make that decision sooner rather than later.

candycane222 · 21/01/2022 09:45

That sounds awful, he seems to have no insight or empathy for what you went through.

My DH was seriously ill (physical illness, life- threatening for a bit) and yes he was very selfish during, and remained somewhat oblivious after, but he has always been respectful of where I am at too, if I wasn't "feeling it" immediately afterwards (although perhaps this was easier in our case as his recovery path was slow, so it gave us both time iyswim)

However I will warn you that it was only when he was fully out danger and more or less functioning normally in the family etc that my adrenaline ran out, and I became depressed - enough to need medical help myself. The whole experience left me a bit less mentally robust for several years, I think. Which is not surprising, thousands of people must go through similar.

So your priority in my view is to look after yourself, and not be blackmailed into feeling it is your job to keep on giving, keep on keeping the family together. I doubt you have anything left to give, you must be so depleted. . If anyone now needs care and consideration and a chance to recover, it's you

irene9 · 21/01/2022 14:35

You know, a lot of us are 'rescuers'. We like to rescue, nurture and meet the needs and demands of others.
But that is a defence mechanism in itself that keeps us away from our own feelings. It also ensures that the person is distracted by our one-way traffic of interest in them and their problems. Therefore, those of us who are private don't have to have the partner asking us about ourselves.
Thus, when the 'Rescuee' becomes better and can look after themselves, and turns their attention on us, that's intensely uncomfortable and doesn't suit us.
We can control a man by constantly asking how he is, how is his mother, what happened at work today, what do you want for dinner, did your sister find a new car.....
It's a bit like if you keep throwing 'caring actions' at others, they don't get a chance to get close to you.

headunderthewater · 21/01/2022 14:49

If he’s snappy, that means the deporession didn’t go anywhere, it just changed outlet.

Keeping routine, job etc are good things, but thise are external things, sounds like he’s not well internally.
That’s what matters.

irene9 · 21/01/2022 15:33

Does he take antidepressants? He might benefit a lot from those.

FinallyHere · 21/01/2022 16:50

He keeps getting mad at me, saying I'm making the marriage fail.

Ironic, isn't it. I'd say he was the one putting the marriage at risk.

He feels he's trying and I'm rejecting him

Sounds a bit sex pest-y to me.

I admire you for staying with him during the hard times. Anyone decent would absolutely understand if you decided to at least separate in the face of this latest trial. When will life with him start to be a joyful please for you.

It is really not reasonable for him to treat you as his support human. Or a blow up doll, for that matter.

Is there any way you could share that opinion with him?

user1481840227 · 21/01/2022 17:09

It sounds like what has happened could have possibly broken the relationship permanently.

You've stated your feelings and they are perfectly understandable.

but I know I couldn't personally deal with my partner being cold or detached either so I can understand your husbands reaction too.

I don't see either of you as right or wrong. You're both human beings with emotional needs and trauma and everything else that goes along with being human.

"He keeps getting mad at me, saying I'm making the marriage fail. "

I know he's accusing you of causing it and that's not true, but the bottom line is he is feeling and senses that the marriage is failing, which sounds absolutely correct based on what you have said.

Original poster

Rocket123 · 23/01/2022 19:04

Thank you everyone. It's nice to be told that objectively I'm not doing anything wrong. I often feel like I'm in trouble with him for no specific reason and that's because my lack of affection is upsetting him, and maybe causing his depression to reappear. I know this isn't really my fault and it's his behaviour that got us here but it's a heavy burden to carry. I feel so sorry for him that he's so sad. I'm far too empathetic, need to work on that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rocket123 · 23/01/2022 19:09

irene9 I've been reading Codependent No More and I've definitely tried to be his rescuer. A lot of the early chapters in the book resonated. So used to feeling that worry in the pit of my stomach that he's done something stupid and the relief when he's OK, that I imagine leaving him will give me that all the time as I simply don't know if he's OK and have done things that will make him worse (by leaving him). He already says how lonely he feels and he has no family here, so I've come to feel like his only support.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 23/01/2022 19:32

so I've come to feel like his only support.

I'm so sorry lovely, I'm afraid that's no reason to stay married to someone.

Phineyj · 23/01/2022 22:27

I haven't been through what you've been through but my DH has had bouts of mental and physical ill health during our 20 year marriage and these were not such a problem before we had a DC. That feeling of detachment is what you get and what you need when you know you have to give the DC 100% because you don't have any proper backup.

I also found it hard to deal with the fact he'd get a lot of sympathy and understanding from family but I wouldn't, even though my workload had suddenly shot up. That made me feel kind of bad.

Anyway, don't make your decisions based on what ifs about the DC. The main thing is that you keep on an even keel, not what could go on with DH after any split.

You know now you can manage solo and that is a good thing to know.

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