DP is ill, I am trying so hard to support him but not sure how much longer I can stick it :(

[somewisdomneeded]

I have name changed sorry. Hope no one minds.

I need to get this out somewhere, I am so fed up of his hurtful coments.

He has depression (I also have PND) He is over weight, low self esteem, He is seeing our GP and going to CBT every fortnight. The few days after his hour long session at CBT things are brilliant.

I know he loves me alot and I also know he can treat me like a princess. He is very insecure, has huge issues about me going out without him, doing things without him. It has caused alot of rows.

We have 2 DS's, well 5yr old is from my previous relationship but DP does treat him and accept him as his own.

Before christmas there was a school reunion, he never went to my school, nor did he live in my town he grew up some 200 miles away. So I talked with him about it and I know he hates anything like that, going out to pubs and clubs I asked my best friend from growing up to go with me, she knew alot of the people that was attending the reunion so made sense.

He saw this as being ashamed of him/ me wanting to pull/ me hating him. Reunion was back home up north, we coincided a visit to my mums and stayed there. $ hour journey, most of it was him going on about how shit his life is and how everyone would be better off if he wasnt here and I was gonna be sorry when i came home This is not the first time he has threatened suicide. I shouted at him that I wasnt going because I couldnt trust him on his own. He calmed down and when we got to my mums the brave face was put on and things where normal, my friend turned up he told me to go. I went he was fine with it, dropped us off, I knew my mum was there with him and her husband so he wouldnt do anything stupid.

When i got home, I was called alot of names, inc wet fish, fridgid, nasty, coniving. I refused to cuddle him. told him he was not right if he honestly expected me to be all nice and rosy with him after what he had put me through earlier on in the day.

Im just so sick of living on egg shells. Yesterday morning was his morning with DS (baby) after listening to baby crying to 20 mins i poked him and said jokingly "when it s my turn to get up i take the baby downstairs so you can actually sleep)He then tried to have sex with me and when I wouldnt respond i got called names again.

I got up half an hour lter and he was like a different man!!!! He is getting help and I really am tryng to be patient with him but I have PND, I am on medication (for some reason our GP wont give it to him ) but it seems like my wants and feelings have been put on the backburner now cos hes the one whos in a worse state so he needs the help.

Just when I just about come to a decision to give him an ultimatum, things go back to normal.

Please please dont tell me to leave him because I a madly in love with this man, I dont want to leave him and break up the family I just wat to know how on earth do I get through to him how nasty hes being to me when he gets in a funk or how do I cope with it better. I can honestly only see one way out of this crap at the moment (walking out) and its the very last thing I want to do.

I got upset on xmas day bcause it was my first xmas without my mum, i spoke to her and all my siblings where there and i felt left out. I told DP tried to get a cuddle and it turned nasty and apparently i was crying because i didnt want to be with him on xmas day and he kept saying sorry for ruining my xmas. Theres just no reasoning with him at all

wanted to add also that on Sat i tried to persuade him to go to A&E to get the help he so much needs and he refused point blank

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE A GREAT, WORTHWHILE, LOVELY PERSON.
That's the important bit. It is realy f* difficult to live with a person who suffers from depression etc, because people who suffer from depressive illnesses are often incredibly selfish and self-obsessed, particularly in the early stages of them having therapy.
(SOrry to anyone reading this who has a depressive illness, I know that you can't help a lot of it, but it doesn;t actually stop it being very very hard on the people closest to you).

If you want to carry on living with him and feel that his behaviour outside his illness merits it, and that he is improving, then this is what you need and it's not negotiable.

TIME AWAY FROM HIM. Even if it's just a few hours a week, you need time to be either by yourself or with nice, funny, silly, happy, supportive other people. If you do not have this SET IN STONE every week, without fail, you will not be able to function.
Very best of luck.

thankyou madam - I do get time away from him, he works full time too. He is so good at putting a brave face on its unbelievable.

I sometimes go up and sit with my friend for an hour or two but I dont really no many people round here, if i do go to said friend I get hassle because he thinks she sleeps around etc behind her hubbys back (they have an honest open relationship not what im into but each to their own)

I am thinking of starting a small college course, something like floristy, cake decorating? Just worried I wont be able to keep up with extra load so to speak?

College course is a good idea. Keep saying to yourself again and again that though he might be ill, you matter too and you are entitled to some fun and freedom. It's all too easy when you are close to someone who is mentally ill, to feel that you shouldn't do anything for your own benefit, and some folk with mental health problems do, whether consciously or not, really fucking milk this: 'waaah, you can't go out, I might need to talk through some more of my issues...' 'boohooo, I feel vulnerable and insecure if you ask me to put my own pants in the laundry basket' 'bleat, bleat, bleat, you can;t possibly want to go to the toilet in peace while I'm having a crisis with my spiritual identity and BWACHOO a cold!'

Hope you don't mind my being a bit flippant here.Cos I do also wonder if your DH's depression isn;t a bit generally manipulative if he's so keen to isolate you from other people.

i often wonder to whether its his way on manipulating me but i honestly dont think if he was in the right state of mind he would be doing all this.

I have just looked into getting back to my access course, eventually want to do nursing. Im gonna go down there tomorrow thanks

DP says it will be a bit of a pain to have to work all day then come home and look after the boys for an hour or so but tough shit

hes just told me to leave

how dare i suggest i do soething for me

Don't want to sound heartless but I think he is manipulative. He is using his mental illness/problem to control you and your feelings. A kind of emotional blackmail.
Stop making excuses for him.

depressives are immensley self-centered (although not always deliberately so)
Insist he gets help or you will leave.
Mind you, I have severe depression and I'm not mean to dh or say mean things.
Is he on medication?

Oh, so the minute you suggest he can treat you like a human being as opposed to his suppport system/verbal punchbag he shits the bed and tell you to leave? Hmm. Definitely milking it and using his 'sufferings@ to get his own way. As long s he's getting help, try treating him like a stroppy toddler and most importantly not letting either his nastiness or his self-pity upset you.

I'm not an expert at all in this, and have no experience of depression of a DH or DP, but I do have through work (worked in HR) and have to say that he's doing well to have severe depression and to still hold down a full time job. So I am thinking a little bit like Jalopy, how depressed is depressed? Particularly if your GP is unwilling to provide anti-depressants? Is it possible that there is just a little bit of manipulation of his problems so he gets what he wants sometimes? Was he controlling before his illness. I'm sorry if I sound horrible, but I thought it might be worth considering. I honestly don?t mean to sound horrible!!

This is just my opinion, but for what it is worth, regardless of his own problems, you have a right to do something for yourself. Just to keep your own sanity if nothing else. Living with/trying to support someone with depression is exhausting. For various complicated reason a member of my family suffered from this. They were literally an emotional black hole at times, and very difficult to spend anytime with because of this, but not deliberately so. They tended also to be very inward focused and self centred because they can't see beyond their mood/problem. In our cause, it took a little bit of loving bullying within the family to get them to go the GP and get help before things got worse.

Perhaps it is time to be a little bit cruel to be kind, and insist that you have some you time. A small college course doesn't sound like a big thing to expect.

Wow, that reply was longer than I meant, Any way, best of luck and sorry you are having problems, so hugs to you if it helps.

I can't write anything of too much substance right now, but will return at some point to offer advice.

I was the mentlly ill person a couple of years ago, but I was very ill and in hospital/under care of crisis team/social worker etc. I came off tablets this spring and have got better and better ever since, losing 3 and a half stone since September of the weight I gained on the medication. I am also training to teach. If you search on my name or my old name 'tiredfedupnanny' then you will find a post I did on personal offering advice to someone else from the mentally ill person's perspective, as I don't have time to go into detail here. As someone with depression yourself, it is vital that you have the support in place for yourself as well as him. My husband attended a carers' group and still does occasionally.

Anyway, the main advice I wanted to give was not to worry TOO much about the threats of suicide. Speaking as someone who sort of tried as a cry for help, I didn't tell anyone before I tried. I just wanted to get the pills and wiskey down without anyone knowing... luckily I was heavier then and the pills didn't have so much of an effect. What they told me afterwards scared me enough never to do it again. If he was serious that he wanted to try to end his life, he would not threaten or give warning and would just do it. The fact he keeps threatening suggests he is kind of crying for help, hoping you'll show how much you love him by begging him not to, trying for attention... along those lines. That's just my opinion, but it does seem to me that if he wants to end his life, telling all and sundry wouldn't be the way to be successful as it makes people be more vigilent. I am not saying don't be vigilent but please don't allow it to make you feel quite so bad as it sounds like that is what he wants.

He does sound very down but all you can do is love him and care about him; he has to want to get out of this hole. I did and I was lucky. My problems were a lot more deep rooted than depression but I pulled myself out of it so so can he.

Best wishes.x

Oh and PS, I had CAT therapy which is different to CBT but I had very deep rooted psychological problems related to traumas in my past, but CBT is also excellent and it is known that during counselling people feel a lot lot worse (as I did). He may seem better for a few days as the session makes things seem a lot clearer, but the actual process brings up a lot of issues that are deep in his mind, which will make him think a lot. He will also be given homework that he should be doing. Bear in mind that after 16 sessions he will also have a period of time where he will take a big step back. I got worse after mine ended as I got so attached to my male counsellor. But after about 2 or 3 months of finishing I was SO strong and nothing could steer me off recovery.

Good luck.

I am so sorry as I didn't read all of your post properly and only really responded to the suicide comments, but his verbal abuse of you sounds terrible and must not be tolerated. I have to say that it is pretty typical of a lot of people with quite severe mental health issues to try and relay some of their feelings onto those around them, to rid themselves of bad feelings and make others feel as bad as them. It is also quite usual for some to do this to try and get more attention in whatever form. To see you sad will tell him that you feel something for him and that he is still here, he still feels. I never called my husband names but I was quite stand offish; a lot of that was to do with feeling so stifled by him. I never left the house and just got more and more sluggish, gained more weight, got iller and iller. He wanted to love me as much as he could and I just wanted him away from me. Me pushing him away was also tied to the issues I had but more than anything I felt stifled.

Try not to give him the attention he is so craving through negative means. I know it sounds like I am wearing my nanny hat and telling you to treat him like a child, but it won't encourage him to act positively if he gets more from acting negatively, feeling soooooooooo sorry for himself.

Oh god, last post I promise hehe. His threatening to kill himself was obviously him trying to get you not to go as you were going without him. He will feel insecure on his own (just like I was), and threatening such things gets the desired reaction - you saying you don't trust him enough to leave him. Bingo!

Oh and I had been in hospital with my illness (severe depression on top of a personality disorder and went through a psychotic episode, hence hospital): I kept my job for the most part, just knocked back the hours, and I continued with my full time degree and got a first and the Dean's Commendation in 2006. I was so determined. This all kicked off in my last term or two of uni and I still got a first! He needs to get out of the house, otherwise he will deteriorate.

Good news horseywoman, glad you are moving forward. I worked in mental health and on helplines for many years and whilst no expert I wonder a couple of things. 1. If the GP is not giving him antidepressants this will be because s/he considers the depression "mild" and the guideline is watchful waiting and CBT. Maybe DH is not telling GP how bad he feels and probably wont have told about suicidal feelings. Encourage him to tell all to GP and ask for medication which will help mood swings and depression. Go with him if possible. 2. Manipulative behaviour is not part of depression per se. Yes it makes people feel insecure but manipulative behaviour is not part of this illness. There is a good chance the CBT will help with this however. Maybe he could ask to have it weekly or do a computerised CBT course such as "Beating the Blues" which is supposed to be good. 3. Agree with horseywoman about threats of suicide. People that commit suicide just do it without telling anyone. Threats are manipulative and controlling. Continue being firm with him about these threats. You are probably right that he wouldnt be doing this if he was feeling well and life looked better, but probably we have all been a bit emotionally manipulative when we are feeling down. Stick with it, it will get better. But maybe you could set some boundaries as to what you will tolerate and tell him what they are. That may make you feel better anyway.

Thankyou Madamez.

Reamhar - Thankyou for your response. He was by no means this controlling before his illness. He had a horrible upbringing, wont go into details but his dad was a twat to his mum and him, from what they have told me between them his dad should be locked up. His mum isnt all there tbh and he has grew up with her stupid idiotic ways. I am by no means making excuses for him as someone has suggested further up. I have an appt with the GP next week to up my dosage of meds maybe I will see if I can have a word with her about DP too.

I have told him that I am going back to college in the new year whether he likes it or not and tough shit if its a bit of a pain to look after the kids and have to put them to bed two nights a week.

Horseywoman - thankyou so much for taking time to reply to me especially at this time of year We have big issues with affection at the moment, he says he doesnt get enough, but when it happens he doesnt notice. Yet he still gets to be so horrible to me and still expects affection doesnt understand why i feel so crap aout it all. He is just so negative about everything, everyone hates him, his life is shit, the baby wont look at him because he hates him (just the usual curious 12 month old looking around.)

As for his job, part of his insecurities is not being able to provide for his family, we have a mortgage to pay, I'm a SAHM so its down to him, he is terrified of losing his job, to the point where most of the time it comes first which pisses me off. I encouraged him to do an evening course to get him out of the house, arrange nights out with friends etc... He went on his works do but came home stupid early, he often goes to poker nights at our friends house but I go too, he doesnt like doing things without me which can prove difficult as we are miles from family and have no babysitters.

Janmoomoo - I have been the GP with him, sat and cried next to him, he has told the GP about his harmful thoughts and suicide thoughts, the doctor referred him to the community mental health team where he had an assessment and was told he is fine he just needs help with his insecurities !! I am trying to get him to go back to the GP because I honestly think he needs medication, even if its just to take the edge of the anxiety problems which are a huge problem in our life. He cant even go the shop alone. Which in turn is hard on me, I was a single mum before I met DP 2 years ago, so used to doing things for myself and on my own, now I feel like Im suffocating.

The CBT therapy we pay £20 an hour for so cant really afford for him to go weekly but he is on a waiting list for councilling from the nhs.

He came home last night and apologised like he usually does. Things are pretty normal now. He has the day off work today so we will do something nice as a family and keep my fingers crossed for a peacful weekend

Wow sorry for the long post. Its helped me get it all out though so thanks for your support

Ah so it is private CBT. I did wonder why he was getting CBT and not medication. Fluoxetine was thrown at me by a poor dr. But it turned out it did help me see some light while I was struggling. The CAT was given on the NHS and I could have paid for CBT to deal with self-harm issues I had. My meds were changed when I got much worse, to mirtazapine and citalopram plus when I was in hospital an anti-psychotic. Do you see the GP with your DH?

OK just reread your post and seen you have been to the GP with him. I'm sorry to say but I think he needs to see another GP. If he really is this low and has explained like this, then he should have more support than 'you're insecure'. I was referred to CMHT after months of prozac and 6 weeks of counselling from the surgery. I had a CPN consultation, she referred me to the psychiatrist and I had weekly visits from a social worker who did various things for me. I had input from crisis team and hospital stays. My meds were changed when my illness changed. I'm no dr and knowing what the meds did to me physically, I would be cautious and make sure I really am THAT ill, but they help keep your head above water while the counselling sees to the underlying issues and means you can cope when you haven't got the meds.

I think some drs can be keen to wipe something off as 'depression'. I was told I had 'depression and anxiety' by the locum I visited when I first went (my GP was on maternity leave). My psychiatrist diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, complicated by a particularly severe year of my SAD and depression. I was going through a stressful time so this hastened the onset, but my issues were to do with past trauma, not unexplained lows. 'Depression and Anxiety' seems to be a catch-all label in the people I have known that have been diagnosed depressed. GPs only have 5 minutes with you so they can't know the ins and outs like a psychiatrist or CPN etc. I'm feeling around in the dark as I am not a nurse or dr, but this is my own experience and what I have picked up from the lots of reading I did when I was ill, to help me get better.

Many GPs give meds as the first treatment, when I feel some initial counselling could take the edge off a mild depression. Meds really do affect a person so much physically, but I really don't see why they should be held back if they are needed, unless your GP is like one particular horrible GP I saw when I was very ill one day and he was on call.

Anyway, I've said enough and I could really go on allllllll day, but I just want to wish you luck and send you some hugs ) x

I have suffered from depression in the past and Prozac and counselling got me back to life.

Did his depression develop after you developed PND or the birth of DS?

Cos i'm wondering if his depression is could be a reaction to the birth of LO.

What support are you getting with your PND?

I would contact the Tavistock Clinic in London to see if you can get help as a family. Maybe becoming a father has reconnected him with childhood memories/events/feelings he would rather forget and this is causing turmoil within him.

Horserywoman, thankyou so much, I will speak to GP when I go next week.

Lovemymum - His depression seems to have peaked alot since the birth of DS. I often think maybe he has the mans version of pnd.

As for my PND Im plodding on, I am on 40mg citalopram and that will be upped to 60mg next week No support so to speak.

What is tavistock clinic? We are at least 300 miles from london so not sure they will help tbh. But thanks for your suggestion.

I just want it back to the way we was. Before the 5mc's before the big rows with his mother adn the interferring. I love babyds and dont regret having him at all.

Keep thinking its all my fault, I already had a ds from previous relationship, DP was a single man living with his mum and did as he pleased.

We have had a semi row today, i asked him to get babys bag ready and he went into a rant how i cant just let him sit and do nothing. (i was taking both boys to a xmas party whilst he stayed at home!) Sometimes I just feel like shaking him hard and screaming at him to get a grip which I know wont help but I am getting tired of bein sypathetic and just getting it thrown in my face. I am becoming very unhappy down here 250 miles away from my family and what I know. I have made friends, alot of them work with DP but I do I one friend who I can reply on and confide in, she has PND too so we do get each other through it but she has alot more worse problems than me so dont like to put on her too much

PS - sorry its taking me a while to reply, I have DP and two ds's at home its hectic

You poor love. How on earth do you function? I was on 40mg of citalopram and granted I was on other quite strong meds, too, but that was enough to really feck my body up. I couldn't do a thing. The idea was to use opposing drugs to try and regulate my sleep so mirtazapine at night and citalopram in the morning (citalopram is a stimulant). Sure the citalopram stimulated me and I walked round like a zombie in robot mode! It's so unfair on you; I know it's your lot and you have to cope with what's been dealt but there MUST be more support out there for you. 60mg of citalopram is such a lot. Is there not a chance your dr might consider putting you on a combination.

Sorry, I just know how the citalopram affected me and I suspect that I was a lot heavier than you are. You have so much to cope with and your dr knows you, but I can't help feeling that PND should be dealt with in other ways than upping and upping the dose of your meds. However, I suspect that with your DH in this way you probably have other complications.

As for him telling you off for not letting him sit and let him do nothing: does he ever do that for you because it really doesn't sound like you get ANY time for yourself at all. You're ill too so this cannot be just about him. Having a small child and a baby means his life is not conducive to laying around doing nothing; maybe as another poster suggested, this is part of the reason he feels so down.

Problems are relative. Your friend may appear to have worse problems than you but I think listening to other people's problems helped me realise I a) wasn't alone and b) the rest of the world existed too. It also helps take the spotlight off your own problems for a while.

Don't know what to say to help, but I really think you ought to be getting more support from your GP than constantly upping your meds; you also should be getting more support for DH and for you as his carer, which is what you are!

Take care.x

You poor love. How on earth do you function? I was on 40mg of citalopram and granted I was on other quite strong meds, too, but that was enough to really feck my body up. I couldn't do a thing. The idea was to use opposing drugs to try and regulate my sleep so mirtazapine at night and citalopram in the morning (citalopram is a stimulant). Sure the citalopram stimulated me and I walked round like a zombie in robot mode! It's so unfair on you; I know it's your lot and you have to cope with what's been dealt but there MUST be more support out there for you. 60mg of citalopram is such a lot. Is there not a chance your dr might consider putting you on a combination.

Sorry, I just know how the citalopram affected me and I suspect that I was a lot heavier than you are. You have so much to cope with and your dr knows you, but I can't help feeling that PND should be dealt with in other ways than upping and upping the dose of your meds. However, I suspect that with your DH in this way you probably have other complications.

As for him telling you off for not letting him sit and let him do nothing: does he ever do that for you because it really doesn't sound like you get ANY time for yourself at all. You're ill too so this cannot be just about him. Having a small child and a baby means his life is not conducive to laying around doing nothing; maybe as another poster suggested, this is part of the reason he feels so down.

Problems are relative. Your friend may appear to have worse problems than you but I think listening to other people's problems helped me realise I a) wasn't alone and b) the rest of the world existed too. It also helps take the spotlight off your own problems for a while.

Don't know what to say to help, but I really think you ought to be getting more support from your GP than constantly upping your meds; you also should be getting more support for DH and for you as his carer, which is what you are!

Take care.x

How old is your baby?
I know you say you don't want to leave him
BUT it sounds like more than depression. the side affects of depression don't include being verbally abusive and jealousy on an OTT level ime.
I think you have to consider his illness from a long term viewpoint. What about the atmosphere at home for your children? Is it likely he will ever get better and change if he isn't even on any medication.
Sorry to sound harsh but he doesn't sound a very nice person/father at all.