DP is ill, I am trying so hard to support him but not sure how much longer I can stick it :(

[somewisdomneeded]

I have name changed sorry. Hope no one minds.

I need to get this out somewhere, I am so fed up of his hurtful coments.

He has depression (I also have PND) He is over weight, low self esteem, He is seeing our GP and going to CBT every fortnight. The few days after his hour long session at CBT things are brilliant.

I know he loves me alot and I also know he can treat me like a princess. He is very insecure, has huge issues about me going out without him, doing things without him. It has caused alot of rows.

We have 2 DS's, well 5yr old is from my previous relationship but DP does treat him and accept him as his own.

Before christmas there was a school reunion, he never went to my school, nor did he live in my town he grew up some 200 miles away. So I talked with him about it and I know he hates anything like that, going out to pubs and clubs I asked my best friend from growing up to go with me, she knew alot of the people that was attending the reunion so made sense.

He saw this as being ashamed of him/ me wanting to pull/ me hating him. Reunion was back home up north, we coincided a visit to my mums and stayed there. $ hour journey, most of it was him going on about how shit his life is and how everyone would be better off if he wasnt here and I was gonna be sorry when i came home This is not the first time he has threatened suicide. I shouted at him that I wasnt going because I couldnt trust him on his own. He calmed down and when we got to my mums the brave face was put on and things where normal, my friend turned up he told me to go. I went he was fine with it, dropped us off, I knew my mum was there with him and her husband so he wouldnt do anything stupid.

When i got home, I was called alot of names, inc wet fish, fridgid, nasty, coniving. I refused to cuddle him. told him he was not right if he honestly expected me to be all nice and rosy with him after what he had put me through earlier on in the day.

Im just so sick of living on egg shells. Yesterday morning was his morning with DS (baby) after listening to baby crying to 20 mins i poked him and said jokingly "when it s my turn to get up i take the baby downstairs so you can actually sleep)He then tried to have sex with me and when I wouldnt respond i got called names again.

I got up half an hour lter and he was like a different man!!!! He is getting help and I really am tryng to be patient with him but I have PND, I am on medication (for some reason our GP wont give it to him ) but it seems like my wants and feelings have been put on the backburner now cos hes the one whos in a worse state so he needs the help.

Just when I just about come to a decision to give him an ultimatum, things go back to normal.

Please please dont tell me to leave him because I a madly in love with this man, I dont want to leave him and break up the family I just wat to know how on earth do I get through to him how nasty hes being to me when he gets in a funk or how do I cope with it better. I can honestly only see one way out of this crap at the moment (walking out) and its the very last thing I want to do.

I got upset on xmas day bcause it was my first xmas without my mum, i spoke to her and all my siblings where there and i felt left out. I told DP tried to get a cuddle and it turned nasty and apparently i was crying because i didnt want to be with him on xmas day and he kept saying sorry for ruining my xmas. Theres just no reasoning with him at all

If it is depression or some other mental illness then the CBT is what will cure him; the medication will not. The medication helps you feel happier when you actually feel crap. But once you stop taking them, if you haven't dealt with the issues then you go back to how you were. If it's chemical imbalance causing the depression then the meds will cure it but he will need to be on them forever.

I agree that depression doesn't necessarily cause someone to become verbally abusive, but if he has something deeper than depression then that could very well be the case. I don't want to go into details of what happened between me and my DH, but I wasn't all sweet and lovely with him. I never called him names but things weren't good. As I have said, a lot of that is to do with the issues causing my illness and the reasons I am not fussed by men, but also I didn't want anyone near me but at the same time didn't want to be alone. This made me aggressive in some ways... frustration does funny things to people.

It seems that you are isolated from your family by distance and frustrated.

The Tavistock Clinic is an NHS clinic which specialises in child, adolescent and family therapy.

Upping your dosage is not addressing the problem of your depression or your DP's depression.

Dooley is right: what kind of atmosphere is this to bring up children? Do you want them to think that his is an acceptable way to behave?

DP was living at home before he met you and maybe he needs time to adjust to being a family BUT that is no excuse for his behaviour.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship.

PLEASE, PLEASE get help for your PND. You need to talk to a professional counsellor. If DP won't change - do you want to continue with him? What are your options? You don't need to answer me but please speak to someone who can help you to think out your options. Please start living, not existing.

Thankyou all for your reponses and input I have read it all and took it in. DP has been wonderful these last few days, just hope it continues. dooley my baby is coming up to 12 months already !

Gonna spill alot out here now. My Ex was a vile and viscious man, he removed me away from my family and refused to let them visit, wouldnt let me learn to drive, left me on the floor after an oepration when i needed the toilet i knewcame at that point I had to get out and I did.

DP is a wonderful man apart from his illness. I do think he has major issues about his upbringing, I cant really post too much here because people will deffinately know who I am, but he is a result of rape and his mother made sure he knew this growing up, told him he would go to hell if he didnt believe in god. His dad used to bea thte both of them and i know his issues are mostly about th kind of father he is/going to be. He quite often says hes scared of turning into his father. It is very very different from my upbringing, he cant understand and doesnt know what its liketo have a loving family round him to help and support him i dont think he knows how to deal with it. He has been very overwhelmed since our ds came along and I know he loves us all alot.

He treats me like a princess 70% of the time and I know it sounds like I am trying to make excuses for him, I am not and I have told him his behaviour is not acceptable and I wont stand for it anymore. Last weekend was the final straw and I think he knows this. His next appt is Friday this week with the CBT lady.

LOVEMYMUM - thankyou I will see my GP this week and get some more support.

Thankyou for all your support and I will try to keep you updated for now things are good, we are both seemingly happy and content. Im even going out tonight and there has been no buid up arguments through the week, no nasty words said to me or nothing

Hi. I hope you all have a Happy New Year (with the emphasis on happy!).

Well done on leaving your Ex.

DP needs assistance in dealing with his upbringing and his fears about his own parenting skills. Anyone who he sees about this needs to be made aware of his history, which he may be reluctant to share.

His suicidal thoughts and all the rest of his current situation may well result from his upbringing. His behaviour could be a sign of his distress and internal turmoil.

There may well be a way forward if you receive assistance both individually and as a couple from skilled professionals (counsellors).

Maybe print out this thread and take it with you to your GP to help you when you are discussing a way forward. Anti-d's are good but talking is also necessary.

Hi
Couldn't read this without responding. You really struck a chord with me, because this is very similar to how I was feeling 6 months ago. My DH was suffereing from depression and did not recieve any treatment until then.
He had a lot of the same behaviour you have described, mostly it left me feeling that it was my fault somehow because his answer to everything seemed to be - "if you don't like it, you can leave".
I was desparate to make it work because of kids - he has always been brilliant around them.
The last straw for me was I promised myself that I had taken enough and I wasn't going to be treated like that any more. WE had another row and I decided that was enough, was about to leave, then calmed down. I told him what I was gong to do and he suddenly realised how serious it was.
It wasn't as simple as that. More complicated, but basically I bullied him into going to the doctor and he finally broke down in front of the doc and was given medication.
6 months later, it is like living with a different person...
I think you should definately go and see another gp and ask for advice. the problem is, that until your dp is willing to cooperate, it will be difficult.
Not sure that was very helpful, but hopefully made you see you're not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.xxx

ca7439 and lovemymum - thankyou for your responses again We had a lovely new year, went to friends and saw the new year in happy in each others arms.

This morning however... It was another 20 mins journey to his work filled with him putting me down for one reason or anohter. We argued as we got to his worked, i tried to give him his phone and he starmed off.

I got home sent him an email with two little words "Im going"

He came straight home, begged and pleaded and is booking friday off work to go back the docs to demand medication. We are getting somewhere.

I am not stupid though and I have put £60 away so that if it blows up one more time and I feel the need to leave I can Thankyou for all your support over the last week or so xxxx

A friend gave me a link to website with list of male depression characteristics. I printed it out and highlighted it for my dh and showed him all the ones he had.
Then I said something like "Just think how empty your day will be when you don't have to do all of that" - wouldn't recommend saying that !!!
But did help him to see in black and white all the symptoms and not just reckon he was having a bad day or whatever, iyswim!!
Will try to find it and post link

Found it
midlife-passages.com/depressi.htm
take a look and see, helped me out...

It seems like you have had enough of the current situation. I hope that telling him that you're going will spur him on to take control of his situation and make a move towards getting help.

A successful outcome doesn't necessarily have to mean that you stay together. It's your choice. I say this cos i know someone who rows incessantly with her husband but won't leave him cos to do so is considered "failing" in her eyes. I want to tell her it would be a success to remove herself and their child from an agressive environment if she chooses to (but can't cos i'm not supposed to know).