DH driving me mad with frustration and I'm struggling to hide it.

[Hornetfarmer]

I went back to work FT last year after a long time either self-employed wfh or SAHM. DH now works from home FT and I wfh PT. We have 4 DC - 3 at secondary and 1 at primary. Our lives are very busy. We all have hobbies which we love but they create complicated logistics which aren't helped by the fact that we live pretty rurally so have to travel for everything. We don't really have free evenings except at the weekend.

When I went back to work we had a discussion about how we needed to share the load more as I couldn't continue as I was. I know he is really trying and he has improved but I am so frustrated by his lack of ability just to do things without having to be told exact instructions and it is showing with how I interact with him. They are all minor things but it just slowly chips away. For instance, tonight I asked him to pick up cat food. They didn't have our usual brand so he bought 24 cans of the cheapest shit they had. We have two cats. One won't eat it at all which means the other gobbles it and then the first meows constantly for food. He knows this. Why wouldn't the just buy a couple to tide us over and wait to get the brand that they both eat? I just don't understand.

He did the shopping yesterday and I've come to make dinner and there isn't enough of the main ingredient. He knew what to get but they didn't have exactly what I'd specified so rather than thinking I'll get xyz instead he only got half.

Last night he made the dinner as I was out. I called him when I was an hour away from home to see if he'd started it but it hadn't occurred to him. When I got back he hadn't actually started the cooking and he'd also given no thought to the fact that it needed an accompaniment (think sausages but no mash kind of scenario).
Yesterday he walked the dogs whilst I spent an hour cleaning and mopping. He got home and one of the dogs had clearly rolled in shit and then traipsed through the house. Apparently, he didn't smell it even though I could smell it from upstairs and he'd bought them home in the car.

Despite being at home he doesn't generally think to do any jobs other than put the odd load of washing on. I cook 90% of the meals. I do all the hoovering and mopping, clean bathrooms and toilets, put all the washing away, change beds. He walks the dogs and tidies the kitchen after I've cooked. I constantly feel like he's tired and I can't put more on him but the same consideration is never returned. His hobby takes him out of the house pretty much every Saturday for a significant portion of the evening and when he returns he's knackered and falls asleep in front of the TV.

I feel like this is all relatively minor and he is a good and kind man but it is making me cross and resentful and I know I am very short with him at the moment. Things always improve when I have time off work but that's because I resort to type and do everything. I do worry that I'm too controlling but then I also think that some things are absolute basics and I shouldn't have to bloody remind him all the time. How do I fix this?

I meant the whole of Saturday is taken up by his hobby meaning we have no time with the children together. By the time he gets home he's knackered and falls asleep in front of the TV.

Show him this: www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

You’re not being unreasonable, this is a very real issue in most households. I assume it’s some kind of social conditioning that makes men think it’s ok to be this useless 🤷‍♀️ but it’s really not. Maybe send him this, ask him to read it, and then talk it through?

Sounds like he's hoping that by messing up tasks you'll take over doing them so he won't have to do them anymore.

I would sit him down and let him know that his lack of thought is a real turn-off. This is more likely to motivate him to get his act together than anything else. If he's hoping you'll do it all, his current approach is clearly working for him.

I would leave him a list , you shouldn't have to but if it works and stops you feeling resentful then it's worth a try.mind you that would be for the jobs you want doing not small things that require him to just think a bit more thou . My DH can be like this too , he asks stupid questions about something so simple it can be very infuriating

It’s not your job to hide your very natural frustration when he’s being a lazy idiot! Read him the riot act, shout, rant, tell him the truth and don’t pull any punches.

Otherwise you will have to live like this for the rest of your life.

he's not a good or kind man. There's your start point.

Tracking dog shit through the clean house, not caring about feeding you all, not caring if the cats are properly fed, are all quite big Fuck Yous when you come to think about it.

Just let it all go to shit!
Sausages with no mash then just give him sausages for dinner.
Wash your clothes and leave his.
Leave the washing up piled up on the side.
If you keep doing stuff things will never change.
Basically just sort yourself out and let him sort his stuff out.

I refuse to project manage so we’ve split chores roughly so each has the lead on something. I lead of ordering the food and most cooking but dh will cook if needed of course but as I manage the food, I’ll let him know what to cook. Sometimes it’ll be “soup or freezer food line nuggets, I don’t care” and other times it’ll be “chicken needs eating today and we’ll be back from gym at 7:10pm so dc will need to eat quickly before bed”. Dh manages the washing - all the washing. He might be taking dc to a club Saturday am and ask if I can get a 2nd load on once the first is finished as it is due to finish while he’s out and of course I do. But he’s responsible for ensuring washing is done and dc have clean uniforms. We alternate making packed lunches.

We had a few uniforms missing the wash at first and dh blamed the dc. I had to have a word that he’s the adult and needs to count the number of cardigans he’s washing! It did get bad that I lost it and said I’ll have to take over as he wasn’t coping and the only way I could would be to reduce my hours and request a demotion. Dh has always supported my career and knows what it means to me so it was a bit of an empty threat in many ways but in reality, I can’t do my job and run a house single handedly. Dh did recognise he needed to step up and I completely stepped back from washing. I think I explained to dc loudly that dh is in charge of clothes washing so all him re missing item. Passive aggressive but he did get it. The balance is good now but it took around a year to adjust.

Early on in our relationship I asked dh how often he thought I washed the kitchen floor. He guessed once a month! That was an eye opening conversation!

Dh also deals with ALL school forms (I hate filling forms in - especially for twins as it’s all the same except one name) but I make the payments.

Clear responsibilities or it becomes a man “helping” and needing to be project managed.

It's just unacceptable. I would grudge giving an adult chores daily too! I think you need to sit down & get him to understand how little he does.

Also his hobby sounds like it takes up too much time if it's most of. Saturday. Is your hobby similarly time consuming?

You were a SAHM for a long time and you probably did everything for him, correct? Therefore he didn't have to think for himself. Well times have changed now, he needs to buck up and start making better decisions. I'd lay it all out VERY clearly to him. He seems very lacking in common sense. Mine is the same at times, it's infuriating.

How much do your DC do?

@Samedaysameshit

Just let it all go to shit! Sausages with no mash then just give him sausages for dinner. Wash your clothes and leave his. Leave the washing up piled up on the side. If you keep doing stuff things will never change. Basically just sort yourself out and let him sort his stuff out.

Yes, this. He needs to see the consequences of his actions and learn that you won't rush in and rescue him.

You need to stay calm (on the surface!) and let things fall where they will.

Once the fallout is obvious, whether it's hungry children and cats, or shit everywhere, just blankly stare at him, say 'can you deal with that please?' and wander off to continue doing whatever you were doing. Better still, go out for your walk, and don't take your phone.

He will either buck up, or lose his shit at you. Then you'll be really clear about what you're dealing with and whether it is fixable.

It’s a combination of things.

Cooking sausages and no mash/veg for a family of 6: let him do it, all come and sit at the table, then when the children say “were hungry, is there anything else?” let him deal with it. Don’t control him. Some parents are shit caterers, some aren’t.

Tracing filthy dogs through the house: he needs to clean that literal shit up, because it’s highly disrespectful to you, given the work you just did.

Buying not enough chicken or whatever to cook enough food: do what you can. When the five of you point out that you’re hunting down the chicken amongst all the veg and noodles, tell them why and let the young children teach him

Cat food: ask him wtf was going through his head.

He’s not going to, and doesn’t have to meet your standards. But he has to be able to feed his family and his pets, he has to not disrespect your efforts.

Talk to him. Tell him how all this makes you feel. If he ignores it and stays this way, well you know who you’re married to.

Make a list of everything that needs doing..
(Make the list as the things crop up)
Show him the list.

Delegate age appropriate jobs to family members.

Focus on what he DOES do.
The cat food could be advertised on a local social media page,might suit someone.
Hopefully he will have learnt from it!

(At least he tried to get food.)
Could you afford/or want to get a cleaner,or other home help.

Mine was going to bring a broom through the house Saturday, yet at the same time he carried other things round the side gate. Work that out!!

Why the heck would it be up to you to fix someone elses bullshit?

Good grief woman, just leave. He is either willfully useless or completely ignorant. Either way, there is no way that staying with this guy doesn't end with you frazzled, fucked off and wishing somewhere down the line that you had not wasted all of your youth and life with this hopeless dickhead.

I am so frustrated by his lack of ability just to do things without having to be told exact instructions - have you told him this?

Why wouldn't the just buy a couple to tide us over and wait to get the brand that they both eat? - did you ask him?

He knew what to get but they didn't have exactly what I'd specified so rather than thinking I'll get xyz instead he only got half. - did you ask him what his thought process was around this?

I meant the whole of Saturday is taken up by his hobby meaning we have no time with the children together. - have you communicated that you’re unhappy about this?

I’m sorry for all the questions, but your post comes across like you haven’t and you need to. When he does something thoughtless or stupid, ask him why. Then get him to fix it. TELL HIM that you’re unhappy, tell him why (in the clear and articulate manner you have here - don’t sugarcoat it), then work on a solution together. It sounds like said solution is a chore chart and you standing up for yourself until he realises you will no longer accept this sort of treatment.

This might involve a series of highly unpleasant conversations, but sometimes things do. Don’t martyr yourself to keep the peace - keeping the peace genuinely isn’t worth very much.

Yeah just echoing what PP have said - I feel like nothing will change because you’re picking up the slack and doing what needs to be done. But just let it all go to shit and let him see the consequences of his actions. Let him deal with the starving cat. Refer the kids to their father when they ask why they’re only eating sausages and no mash. Get him to clean up the dog shit through the house. Stop enabling his strategic incompetence. Nothing changes if you change nothing.

'this is a very real issue in most households.'

@MalFunkshun

I beg to differ. Reading the post I wondered if this man is mentally challenged (I am not being sarcastic or exaggerating, either).

Surely no human is this stupid? Not cooking when it's already later and he's supposed to cook that eve, then not thinking of any side with the meat? It has to be either a child or an adult with development issues.

@AllyBama

Yeah just echoing what PP have said - I feel like nothing will change because you’re picking up the slack and doing what needs to be done. But just let it all go to shit and let him see the consequences of his actions. Let him deal with the starving cat. Refer the kids to their father when they ask why they’re only eating sausages and no mash. Get him to clean up the dog shit through the house. Stop enabling his strategic incompetence. Nothing changes if you change nothing.

All that needs to be said on this topic.

He's an selfish immature being. You're the enabler.

@FridaRose

Agree. You read through it and it does sound like someone with severe challenges.

There would be no way they could hold down a job if they acted like that at work.
It is strategic incompetence done on purpose to get women to back down and just do it themselves.

I think it depends somewhat on what he DOES do.

So I could tell you all now that DP simply does not pick up the mental load at all. He cannot think ahead when planning meals. He never packs a single thing when We go on holiday, he cannot shop for more that one day at a time or meal plan.

When I went from pt to full time shift work, oh my goodness it was hard. He just didn't do things 'right'. But 8 years later I've realised we compliment each other. He now consistently takes care of mornings and school runs. I have no idea what the kids eat for breakfast and I have nothing to do with making lunches. I don't know when we run out of those foods and if he doesn't add it to the shopping list, I don't know to buy it. It took a few last minute shopping runs and scrapping around for different breakfasts but he now just knows to either sort it himself or tell me when I do a weekly shop. He also remembers to book my car in for mot's and myriad of other little
Jobs around the home that just do not even cross my mind. In return I sort out all household bills, meal plan, weekly online shop, purchase clothes for kids, plan room clear outs and reorganisations.

My point is that if he never had to carry the mental load before and you are asking him to
Now you have to allow it to be different to your own standards. Let him fail and let him succeed. Either way, if it's his job then it's up to him.

I hate watching DP cook because he never does it right. But what I also did was write out recipes for the family meals that are most common. He still uses those recipes because he doesn't cook as much as I do and I try to stay out of the way and bite my tongue when he doesn't do things how I would like.

You're a team but that means relinquishing control. He's doing the things asked of him. He's just not doing them as well as you would.

The Saturday hobby though would piss me off

This is why I work part time! I think you have to try to find a way to accept he won't meet your standards but also make sure he sorts his own mistakes. So if there's not enough food he has to make more or nip to shop etc hopefully as things inconvenience him he will thing in in future

yeah let him deal with his fuck ups. This would drive me insane and the only way i could cope is to make him deal with it. you obviously need to have him on the phone in the supermarket to make sure he’s getting it done right.