DH driving me mad with frustration and I'm struggling to hide it.

[Hornetfarmer]

I went back to work FT last year after a long time either self-employed wfh or SAHM. DH now works from home FT and I wfh PT. We have 4 DC - 3 at secondary and 1 at primary. Our lives are very busy. We all have hobbies which we love but they create complicated logistics which aren't helped by the fact that we live pretty rurally so have to travel for everything. We don't really have free evenings except at the weekend.

When I went back to work we had a discussion about how we needed to share the load more as I couldn't continue as I was. I know he is really trying and he has improved but I am so frustrated by his lack of ability just to do things without having to be told exact instructions and it is showing with how I interact with him. They are all minor things but it just slowly chips away. For instance, tonight I asked him to pick up cat food. They didn't have our usual brand so he bought 24 cans of the cheapest shit they had. We have two cats. One won't eat it at all which means the other gobbles it and then the first meows constantly for food. He knows this. Why wouldn't the just buy a couple to tide us over and wait to get the brand that they both eat? I just don't understand.

He did the shopping yesterday and I've come to make dinner and there isn't enough of the main ingredient. He knew what to get but they didn't have exactly what I'd specified so rather than thinking I'll get xyz instead he only got half.

Last night he made the dinner as I was out. I called him when I was an hour away from home to see if he'd started it but it hadn't occurred to him. When I got back he hadn't actually started the cooking and he'd also given no thought to the fact that it needed an accompaniment (think sausages but no mash kind of scenario).
Yesterday he walked the dogs whilst I spent an hour cleaning and mopping. He got home and one of the dogs had clearly rolled in shit and then traipsed through the house. Apparently, he didn't smell it even though I could smell it from upstairs and he'd bought them home in the car.

Despite being at home he doesn't generally think to do any jobs other than put the odd load of washing on. I cook 90% of the meals. I do all the hoovering and mopping, clean bathrooms and toilets, put all the washing away, change beds. He walks the dogs and tidies the kitchen after I've cooked. I constantly feel like he's tired and I can't put more on him but the same consideration is never returned. His hobby takes him out of the house pretty much every Saturday for a significant portion of the evening and when he returns he's knackered and falls asleep in front of the TV.

I feel like this is all relatively minor and he is a good and kind man but it is making me cross and resentful and I know I am very short with him at the moment. Things always improve when I have time off work but that's because I resort to type and do everything. I do worry that I'm too controlling but then I also think that some things are absolute basics and I shouldn't have to bloody remind him all the time. How do I fix this?

Can you afford a cleaner?

DC could change their own beds and are old enough now to need to learn how to look after their own stuff. Not long before they will be out in the world.

But DH definitely needs to shape up

I agree with the cleaner suggestion to help take the pressure off a bit.

And I agree with the posters suggesting that you need to accept his mistakes and not come in to rescue him.

So if he’s only cooked sausages sit down and eat your sausages only with no comment. If he’s not bought enough chicken serve chicken and veg to the kids and adults just get veg. If he walks a dog covered in shit through the house point it out factually but don’t clean it.

Also I suspect that if he can hold down a job this is can’t be bothered not can’t do. So he still needs to keep doing jobs even - perhaps more - if he isn’t great at them.

You have to bat the consequences back at him every single time. Didnt buy enough of the ingredients? He has to go get more. Gets too much cat food? He has to figure out where to put it. He has to go back to get the right brand.

It all sounds a bit random. Can't you do like the poster above where DH does breakfast/ gets DCs out the door in the morning - you need to be out, ? walk the dogs.
Get a cleaner.
Sell the dogs. No one will clean up after dogs properly. Apart from you.
He cooks Friday and Sunday night........

This is not relatively minor. It's feeing major and it will eat away at your marriage.

I'd be creating a rota together and setting up Alexa to remind him an annoying amount of times.

It took a ridiculous amount of time for my husband to figure out when you work from home you can do an awful lot while the kettle boils. Even going to the loo means you can bring some washing down, collect any dishes upstairs etc. I have to remember that he genuinely gets days when this isn't possible but it's not that often.

4 children, 2 cats, more than one dog, big hobbies and you both work. No wonder your life is relentlessly chore filled with all that lot going on. Working from home also creates more cleaning and cooking. I don’t know the answer, but you have both taken on a lot of responsibility. Rather than sharing jobs I would divide them up between you as it is less frustrating e.g. pets 100% his department and food shopping 100% your department etc.

But how can you separate pets and food shopping? There aren't that many chores that are completely separate, it's the mix that is so difficult- if you're the person who cleans the floor then the other person bringing home dogs with shitty feet suddenly becomes your issue and they don't have to deal with it.

Non-housework partners do take time to catch up. I remember dh suddenly realising that 'the laundry' was quite a big job - tbh it was infuriating that he'd never noticed. But he got there.

I think something might have to change and you can only agree that together. I don't personally think a cleaner has to be the answer, the obvious one to me would be some more deliveries, but what would be better is if he came up with the solutions. Agree entirely you need to let stuff fail and you have to let different standards exist but I wonder if the problem is that he's not around enough to see stuff fail.

Strategic incompetence.

(Disagree with PPs suggesting ‘focus on what he DOES do’ or that the issue is ‘your standards’)

@PermanentTemporary

But how can you separate pets and food shopping? There aren't that many chores that are completely separate, it's the mix that is so difficult- if you're the person who cleans the floor then the other person bringing home dogs with shitty feet suddenly becomes your issue and they don't have to deal with it.

Non-housework partners do take time to catch up. I remember dh suddenly realising that 'the laundry' was quite a big job - tbh it was infuriating that he'd never noticed. But he got there.

I think something might have to change and you can only agree that together. I don't personally think a cleaner has to be the answer, the obvious one to me would be some more deliveries, but what would be better is if he came up with the solutions. Agree entirely you need to let stuff fail and you have to let different standards exist but I wonder if the problem is that he's not around enough to see stuff fail.

There is actually not that much cross over. That is why it is possible to hire people to do cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking etc and it can work really well. Muddy prints is clearly a pet problem and would be dealt with by the pet person.

We have a roster, DC included, on the kitchen door.
Everyone cooks once a week and cleans up twice a week. Started when DC were 7&8.
They cooked very simple dishes then with supervision and soon moved on to cooking from childrens cook books with simple instructions ( think pizza or baked potatoes with bacon, sour cream and coleslaw).
Family messenger or what’s app group to create a shopping list.
Divide up jobs. DH gardens, I do washing.
He cleans bathroom, I do kitchen. DC do their own rooms.
Write it down and push back if anyone tries to default back to you.
DC tried to get me to cook on their night. Response was swap with your Dad or sister.
Good luck

You need to start giving your DC chores and letting your husbands idiocy go to shit.
If there's not enough food, he pays for a takeaway. If the kids are hungry after tea because he didn't give them a full meal, he sorts them out. If the dogs rolled in shit, he baths them and cleans the floor.

I do think you're being a bit unfair with some things. If there's no cat food it's not unreasonable to buy a different brand. If the cats hungry they'll eat it. If they refuse to eat it they'll find food elsewhere.

You say you all have hobbies that are logistically difficult but it's only his you're complaining about.

You say it means you don't get any time with the kids together but what about all day on Saturday and Sunday? Maybe you need to reduce everyone's hobby time.

Op I'd definitely agree that he needs to be given 100% responsibility for his 'share' of household tasks, and that you need to let him fail when he does them ! He needs to feel the wrath of the kids when there's nothing but sausages for dinner. He needs to be the only one who then has to 'fix' the issue !

He's bought an insane volume of cat food that is useless ? Then he gets left to 1. Sell/ get rid of the excess. 2. Go to the shops to buy the right cat food (regardless of whether or not it's bloody 'convenient' for him right then !

Give him the 'job' of organising and cooking every evening meal (including on Saturdays) and making all packed lunches as well as cleaning up the kitchen/ doing dishes afterwards too.
You can give him a menu for the week.

So he has to shop for + cook + clean up after 7 evening meals a week and 5 packed lunches a week.

When he 'fails', you LET him fail ! Say nothing except 'it's your problem to fix darling, just give me a shout when it's on the table' or 'Oh dear, well I guess you'll need to run down to school with sandwiches at lunchtime or give them money for school lunch'
Regardless of what he has on at work ! You DON'T 'fix it' for him !!

It's only when these men are forced into 'fixing' their own bloody 'mistakes' that the 'mistakes' miraculously stop happening !
(Cos why would they actually worry about getting stuff 'wrong', when someone else always has to deal with their 'mistakes' ??)

Pick a 'job', whatever would make your load significantly 'lighter' (because what would be the point of the whole thing if your load is still huge )

You may also find that once he is taking a daily/ bigger role, then he might well decide for himself that all day Saturday is too much for him to spend doing his 'hobby' because he's too tired from his household 'duties' !

@reader12

It’s not your job to hide your very natural frustration when he’s being a lazy idiot! Read him the riot act, shout, rant, tell him the truth and don’t pull any punches.

Otherwise you will have to live like this for the rest of your life.

Lovely.

Imagine this in reverse. Someone behaving like this to you because "you're not up to their standard".

Why on earth do you think abusive behaviour is okay?

What is his fair share though?

You work part time from home. He works full time from home.

Regardless of sex, whoever works less hours unfortunately does have more time for boring household chores. If he were part time too, then it would only be fair that it were 50/50, but that's not the case.

Both me and my husband work full time. I do take on the lions share of the house work and I feel your frustration because mine too doesn't seem to notice when floors need mopping or sinks need cleaning. However, in return you won't find me cleaning or fixing the car, decorating the outside of the house, taking large items up the dump, climbing ladders to clean windows or digging over the veg beds. I do "light" duties, not because it's ever been discussed or agreed but sadly because the patriarchy is alive and kicking and annoyingly based on physical strength.

@MeSanniesareBrannies

I am so frustrated by his lack of ability just to do things without having to be told exact instructions - have you told him this?

Why wouldn't the just buy a couple to tide us over and wait to get the brand that they both eat? - did you ask him?

He knew what to get but they didn't have exactly what I'd specified so rather than thinking I'll get xyz instead he only got half. - did you ask him what his thought process was around this?

I meant the whole of Saturday is taken up by his hobby meaning we have no time with the children together. - have you communicated that you’re unhappy about this?

I’m sorry for all the questions, but your post comes across like you haven’t and you need to. When he does something thoughtless or stupid, ask him why. Then get him to fix it. TELL HIM that you’re unhappy, tell him why (in the clear and articulate manner you have here - don’t sugarcoat it), then work on a solution together. It sounds like said solution is a chore chart and you standing up for yourself until he realises you will no longer accept this sort of treatment.

This might involve a series of highly unpleasant conversations, but sometimes things do. Don’t martyr yourself to keep the peace - keeping the peace genuinely isn’t worth very much.

This. We also don't know the back story of everything @Hornetfarmerbecause you naturally can't summarise your whole relationship in one post.

For example he might have thought you'd criticise if he'd bought an alternative to what you'd made a point of specifying you wanted from the shop for the meal, hence just bought the quantity which was available! You can't expect him to mind read you. And a lot of the time from what I've seen, if men take initiative to do something but it's not what the woman would have done, she just criticises him instead of acknowledging the good intention so the guy just ends up leaving a lot of household related things to her since she clearly likes things her own way rather than having any good intentions backfire on him.

There's nothing that you describe that couldn't be fixed with couples counselling.

Hold on you both work full time yet all your DH does is walk the dog and tidy the kitchen in the evening and you have to do absolutely everything else?!! Why? Is his penis so heavy that dragging it around with him is too much of a strenuous activity on it’s own?
A good and kind man doesn’t sit back while his wife is run ragged. Also the 3 kids at secondary can change their own beds.

@LivBa

I reckon he has a phone and capable of ringing/texting her if something wasn't in stock.

Does he understand how unattractive and irritating this is? A grown man who can't deal with simple day to day life?

It sounds insulting, but he is either genuinely quite slow, or he doesn't care about looking after his family.

Mine thought that doubling up a recipe for 4 when there would be 10 eating, including 3 with big appetites was fine.
Back he went to the shop and had to get started again and do another batch (he was cooking in advance and freezing).
I told him it was either that, or he would only be eating the sides as there wouldn’t be enough mains.
How on earth does someone who cooks a lot do that ?

@Samedaysameshit

Just let it all go to shit! Sausages with no mash then just give him sausages for dinner. Wash your clothes and leave his. Leave the washing up piled up on the side. If you keep doing stuff things will never change. Basically just sort yourself out and let him sort his stuff out.

This. Tell him that's what you're going to do, so that he's got a chance to save himself at the last gate, but then follow through if he doesn't sort himself out.

Why do you think you should hide your frustration?

The most valuable thing to might simply be to take a few steps back and honestly and objectively evaluate what is causing the problem without any intention of doing ANYTHING to try to solve the problem.

It unfortunately seems to me that there really only three possibilities:

1. The husband is lazy
2. The husband is passive-aggressive and punishing the OP for something he doesn't like in the relationship
3. The husband is genuinely not very intelligent or capable of good task-management

Rather than trying to create a solution in response to these core issues, just ask yourself whether you really want to stay in a long-term relationship with someone with one or possibly all of these character defects.

Read "fair play'.. in the process of changing my life.