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Original poster

How long between separation and moving with new partner?

43 replies

Kione · 17/01/2022 14:12

How Long would you wait after a break up to move with new relationship?
There are two kids involved who already know the new partner as "a friend" and like him.
Wife was the one leaving husband, relationship was not going anywhere but husband didn't want to separate. Wife is the one in the new relationship, so really doesn't want to hurt exhusband even more...
Any thought appreciated!

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 17/01/2022 14:15

So wife left for another man?

What ages are the kids?

At a guess I would say a couple of years. Kids need to get used to the separation. The divorce needs to be sorted (bad idea to live with someone else before then) etc.

Mumof3confused · 17/01/2022 14:19

There was a discussion about that on here recently. It seemed the opinion are very varied. Personally I’d take it very slow, say a few years, for the kids to firstly get used to the new situation of parents living apart, then slowly start having new partner around occasionally during the day, then the odd night before moving on to next steps.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/01/2022 14:20

Moving in or moving on?
Fine to start a new relationship within 6 months or so but moving in should be very far down the line.

TYTY4 · 17/01/2022 14:38

Couple of years minimum I would say.

Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 15:00

Thanks for the replies.

Wife didn't leave for another man, but a friendship evolved into something else within a few moths from the separation.

Would moving with new man nade the divorce difficult?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 15:11

@Mumof3confused

There was a discussion about that on here recently. It seemed the opinion are very varied. Personally I’d take it very slow, say a few years, for the kids to firstly get used to the new situation of parents living apart, then slowly start having new partner around occasionally during the day, then the odd night before moving on to next steps.
Sorry, I could not find any
OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/01/2022 15:32

Are you the person in question op? You will get better and more honest responses if you're transparent about your position.

It took me 2 years after leaving my ex to think about dating again, and tbh my son was NOT happy. He was 13 when I met a new man. He really struggled, mainly because his dad told him a lot of awful shit like "Furiosa will find a new boyfriend then she'll drop you just like your birth mum did" and "it's your fault Furiosa has gone, you've driven her away just like your birth mum, so now I'm lonely and it's your fault" (he was living with a new woman within 3 months of me moving out - although from what I read here sometimes that could be positively restrained)

If both parents are responsible human beings who won't seek to hurt the kids by using them as weapons, it will be a lot easier and a move-in might go easier a lot sooner than if one is adversarial.

Regarding divorce settlement I can't say, you'd need professional legal advice based on a full picture of the financial situation.

Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 15:50

Yeah, it's me. I think I was worried about being judged here, some replies can be brutal.

Financial situation won't be complicated I don't think.

Husband is being very civil and knows about my friend but he doesn't like when the kids talk about him.

The moving in is also for practical reasons, new partner is really supportive with the new puppy and the kids and his current accommodation contract will come to an end around May. I left my husband in July, moved out in August. Kids like new partner being around.

I have not had the heart to discuss separation/divorce with husband because he was so crushed, but the relationship was dead a long time ago.

I did not leave him for new man, having another relationship was not in the cards! It just evolved after I left.

I am really anxious now as we have planned to move together in May and now I am questioning if it's too early, not for me, I am really happy about it, but for husband and kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 15:52

Mind I am on my PMD week and I guess that doesn't help.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2022 15:55

The fact that his lease runs out in May should have absolutely no bearing on the decision to move in together. Don't rush into it.

user1019273703 · 17/01/2022 15:56

I spent two and a half years on my own and then when met somebody slowly introduced them and he moved in 14 months later

Doomscrolling · 17/01/2022 15:59

At least 12-18 months, ideally a couple of years.

Cas112 · 17/01/2022 15:59

@Kione

Yeah, it's me. I think I was worried about being judged here, some replies can be brutal.

Financial situation won't be complicated I don't think.

Husband is being very civil and knows about my friend but he doesn't like when the kids talk about him.

The moving in is also for practical reasons, new partner is really supportive with the new puppy and the kids and his current accommodation contract will come to an end around May. I left my husband in July, moved out in August. Kids like new partner being around.

I have not had the heart to discuss separation/divorce with husband because he was so crushed, but the relationship was dead a long time ago.

I did not leave him for new man, having another relationship was not in the cards! It just evolved after I left.

I am really anxious now as we have planned to move together in May and now I am questioning if it's too early, not for me, I am really happy about it, but for husband and kids.

It wont even have been a year in between leaving your husband, moving another man in. Yes its well to soon. Even if your children do get on with him
Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 16:02

Well, I am not going to be 2 years on my own. It was my plan, and find my feet, but this happened and I am really happy, I don't plan on finish this relationship to be the advised two years alone.

I don't feel I am rushing into anything because of his lease. He spends a lot of time here although he hasn't stayed the night when the kids are here.

OP posts:
GizmosEveningBath · 17/01/2022 16:03

Moving him in within the year is far too soon OP. Don't rush things for your partner's convenience, DCs come first.

Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 16:04

Thanks for the replies. I am taking the advice on board and talk to him.

OP posts:
namechangerqwerty · 17/01/2022 16:04

I waited a year, which is 'too soon' according to most on MN.
I would have been unable to pay my mortgage alone & couldn't get a lodger due to covid. DP has been living with us for a year & it's working really well. I may just be lucky but the decision was the right thing for us. I think you ask the dc how they feel at frequent intervals & make it clear that their needs are paramount.

flowery · 17/01/2022 16:07

ExH and I separated almost a year ago. My decision. I’m just starting to date, very early days, but I can’t conceive of being serious enough about someone within less than a couple of years of starting seeing them to actually move a new man in with my kids. Probably longer. That’s a huge decision and I’d want to be absolutely certain it was a solid long term relationship before doing that.

Starting to see someone new is one thing, Moving them in is huge, when there are kids involved. You separated from your husband 6 months ago, so even if you started seeing this new man immediately, you’ve only been together 5 minutes. I struggle to see how you can possibly conceive of moving in together this soon tbh.

Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 16:09

I asked DD12 if she would be ok if I dated new man, she said, it's up to me, it's my life but I am not divorced yet. I did say it's not only my life, it is ours, she is at that stage where she is moody and doesn't really like talking, she mentioned that me and her dad are not divorced yet, but that new man is nice.

OP posts:
gogohm · 17/01/2022 16:09

I moved in with dp a year after exh left me, it was accelerated somewhat due to lockdown though, probably would have waited another 6 months if I wasn't working from home (I relocated)

flowery · 17/01/2022 16:10

@Kione

Well, I am not going to be 2 years on my own. It was my plan, and find my feet, but this happened and I am really happy, I don't plan on finish this relationship to be the advised two years alone.

I don't feel I am rushing into anything because of his lease. He spends a lot of time here although he hasn't stayed the night when the kids are here.

No one is saying spend two years on your own. I have no intention of being a nun for two years! But seeing other people and moving in with someone are very different things, and whilst it’s reasonable to do the first one, it’s breathtakingly quick to do the second so fast. You don’t have the luxury to do that kind of thing when there are kids involved imo. Taking a gamble when your living decisions don’t impact anyone else- great! But they do.
Twizbe · 17/01/2022 16:13

I have a friend in a similar situation and is planning to move in with the new bf in the summer. They separated at a similar time to you.

Personally I think it's WAY too soon and in her case there is a bit of red bunting that I'm also concerned about.

But, it's not my life, my children or my relationship.

Jk24 · 17/01/2022 16:13

Op my mum moved new boyfriends in very quickly when I was young and it was awful. Please give your dc more time, like another 12 months at least Flowers

Original poster
Kione · 17/01/2022 16:17

Thank you for helping me see things with clarity. I feel like me and the kids will need more time to settle in the new house.

I think I just feel bad for new partner and having to find somewhere else, but I realize it is better to wait longer. I will talk to him.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 17/01/2022 16:25

@Kione

I asked DD12 if she would be ok if I dated new man, she said, it's up to me, it's my life but I am not divorced yet. I did say it's not only my life, it is ours, she is at that stage where she is moody and doesn't really like talking, she mentioned that me and her dad are not divorced yet, but that new man is nice.
Read between the lines, she is telling you what she thinks. I suspect you don’t want to hear it.